by Ali Winters
“No,” Caspian growled, “she is the last one on this earth who would take his life if there was the slightest chance he could have survived.”
Holter bowed his head and let the tears fall. The others looked away, giving him what small sliver of privacy they could. “His life thread faded into the ether, it will never be renewed…” the man sagged.
Caspian lifted his hands to cover his and took them from his cloak. “No, my friend, it did not fade.” This was one thing he could give him. A few words that could ease a small part of his breaking heart. “Nivian had been carrying the watch Silas had given her when Kain was assigned as her mark. She captured his life force. It is safe. I promise you I will treat it with more care than any other before it.”
“Do not lie to soothe me.” Holter stepped back and snapped a finger in Nivian’s direction. “She would not be injured if what you say is true.”
Caspian let out a slow breath then said, “After she sliced his life thread, she became inconsolable. She attacked me.” He hesitated, trying to push the emotions down that threatened to flow over and flood him. “I did not mean to strike her, but I was… unprepared for such a reaction. I miscalculated and struck her.”
Throughout all of this, Evander and Azira had kept silent, soaking in the bits and pieces they hadn’t already known.
“I can’t… I can’t be here now.” Holter stumbled toward the door mumbling more to himself than anyone. “How can I possibly tell Aurelia?”
Finn rushed to Holter’s side and gripped the man’s arm to steady him. Without looking back, he spoke to Azira, “Stay and report back with any more details. I will take him home.”
“Yes, sir,” Azira said, barely above a whisper.
“My Lord, how is it possible to create new Fate Keepers?” Evander spoke after the two Hunters had left, slamming the door behind them.
“Silas has put a plan in place,” was all Caspian said. He would not admit that he was still uncertain of what that plan was. The answers would be held within the pages of the Tome of Fate. They had to be. Silas would have instructed him otherwise if they were not.
Caspian strode over to Nivian and took a seat on the edge of her bed. He stared down at her and wondered when she’d become someone so different than the young woman he’d known so long ago. He lifted a hand and brushed a knuckle across her slightly bruised cheek, already most of the way through healing. Thank Gaia.
“I have no right to ask the two of you this,” he spoke to Azira and Evander without taking his eyes off Nivian. “But I cannot stay by her side, and I don’t want her to be alone when she wakes. Will you—” his voice broke.
Azira placed a palm on his shoulder. He resisted the urge to lean into her but finally met her eyes when her small fingers guided his chin up so he was forced to look into those endless depths of blue.
“We will take turns watching over her. She is our friend as well.”
A ghost of a smile formed on his lips. “Thank you.”
The one fact he didn’t need a greater power or even the Tome to tell him was that whoever took on these powers would need to be prepped, their powers stretched farther and farther until they were able to absorb them without being destroyed. Nivian could absorb Silas’s power without problem, but now, without Kain around, it would take more effort and would come at a high risk of failure.
They had no choice but to try. And he was ready to use every last Hunter on this earth to create a new Guardian of Life if he had to.
His gaze slid over to the small blonde at his side as he swallowed the lump that formed in his throat.
TWO
NIVIAN
THE CONSTANT PULSE of the ceiling fan as it sliced through the air matched Nivian’s heartbeat. She blinked up at the blades as they spun endlessly. Her vision blurred and time melted into itself, losing all meaning.
Only one week had passed since Nivian awoke in the bed of the apartment. Whatever attachment she’d had here had evaporated and she found herself lying in a cold, strange place. Once, it had been her sanctuary to restore her powers, to be near to Kain. But now within those four bare walls, she found herself slowly suffocating.
She wanted to run. Run far from every place and everything she’d ever known, everything that was a painful reminder of what she’d lost.
After she’d woken with Caspian at her side, the guilt of her actions toward him hit her full force and she had transported everywhere she could think of from the southern most Antarctic wastes to the darkest reaches of the loneliest rain forests, to scorched deserts, only to move again when another Reaper, sent by Caspian, came looking for her.
In the end, she’d returned to Kain’s apartment. Their apartment. The one they would have shared, should have shared. She’d moved in immediately.
It was the only place she’d found that she didn’t have the overwhelming desire to escape from her own skin, shedding it like tattered and worn clothes, and being there was the only time she found any semblance of peace.
But it was only the ghost of what she sought. In truth, what had made it feel like home had been Kain.
Nivian shifted onto her side and pulled the blankets over her nose. The lingering scent of Kain’s cologne clung to the sheets. She inhaled a deep breath, her eyes sliding shut, and let herself believe he was only a few inches away. Her fingers stretched out feeling for his, only to grasp the cold, empty sheet. She opened her eyes and blinked into the empty void where he should have lain, then let loose a shuddering sigh.
“Kain.” A broken sob caught in her throat. “Kain…”
She tensed at a knock on the door. Annoyed at the interruption from her thoughts, she looked over her shoulder toward the door and strained to listen. She didn’t care who was at the door, she didn’t want to see anyone.
Nivian sucked in a deep breath then slowly released it through her nose as she willed the tears always on the brink of falling, back down.
The door unlocked, then opened. Soft footsteps padded halfway in. Her fists clenched the blankets until her fingers ached.
“Nivi?” Azira’s lilting voice called from the doorway.
Nivian turned away and faced two black bead eyes staring back. She reached out and clutched the soft, white bear to her chest, squeezing it as hard as she could, then buried her face into its head trying to stifle a sob. As hard as she tried, her heart was too raw to hide what she felt. Though her friends didn’t blame her for them, it wasn’t something she wanted to share.
When she managed to catch her breath, she loosened her hold. Nivian stroked the ribbon around its neck. She’d loved that bear from the moment Kain had given it to her on their first, and only, date. Now it was the last remaining lifeline to him…
More so than his watch, because he’d given it to her of his own accord.
Though she wore it around her neck, the watch was just a cold reminder that he was gone. A part of him she had stolen. Fresh tears sprang to Nivian’s eyes and shook her body with her silent sobs.
The near silent footsteps approached, then the bed shifted as Azira sat on the edge. Her hand landed lightly atop her head, then stroked her hair for a long moment before she spoke.
“How are you holding up?” she asked.
Nivian sniffled. Her lips parted to answer, then she clamped them closed. There were no words she could say to express how she felt. She could no more muster the willpower to lift her head than she could forget Kain. No one had asked her to forget, but how could she continue existing when she felt like this? How could she become the next Fate Keeper to replace Silas and perform his essential duties for the sake of the balance.
“I know,” Azira said, somehow understanding that sorrow had taken her voice. Her fingers brushed strands of messy hair off Nivian’s forehead, gently combing through the tangles caused by several days of restless sleep.
Anger tainted every inch of her, every thought, every nerve, every emotion. She couldn’t even feel her own sadness without the burning crimson of anger ta
inting the edges of the emotion and everyone in between. No mater what she did, she couldn’t shake it. There were times when it was almost unbearable.
Her body ached from fighting to keep the dark thoughts inside her head. Every moment, another battle to keep from breaking every rule she’d ever known. To keep the dark side of herself she never knew existed, tinted by that same bloody red, at bay. The one whispering in her ear dark deeds she could do to ease her heart. Deeds she knew, even through her pain, she would regret.
Days led to sleepless nights and she lay in bed not moving when all she wanted was to watch the world burn.
Nivian squeezed her eyes shut. It hadn’t been so long ago that Kain had been the one running his fingers through her hair. She wanted nothing more than to pretend it was him in her friend’s place. But her heart refused to let her believe it, shouting the truth in a cruelly undeniable way.
After a few moments, Azira cleared her throat. “It was a beautiful service,” she spoke softly as if she knew each word would be a stab to the heart. “I wish you could have been there.”
Nivian licked her dry lips and pulled in a shuddering breath. Her gut twisted into angry knots. She hadn’t been there for Kain. The weight of her conscience pressed down on her. It was just one more way in which she had let him down. Had let everyone down. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t—”
“No one blames you, Nivi,” Azira cut her off. She stopped playing with her hair and leaned down, wrapping an arm around her and squeezed. “You’ve gone your entire existence without knowing this feeling. We understand that you need time.”
Nivian’s heart tore open for what felt like the millionth time. Her fingers dug deeper into the fluff of the bear as she pulled it tighter, muffling the near silent cry that ripped itself from deep within her chest. Her heart squeezed so tight she thought it would pry its way out of her body just to escape the pain, if only for a moment.
A week. It had been a week. At first, a constant stream of Reapers and Hunters had stopped by, until Azira chased them out. It was nice to breathe again, away from the noise. She was grateful for the energetic girl and Azira’s ability to sense what she needed.
Though, with each tick of the second hand, the more the crack in her heart widened. Pieces crumbled and shattered, leaving her insides cold as frost slowly formed, spreading it’s icy tendrils through every vein. Soon, she would feel nothing at all.
Azira brought her legs up onto the bed and pulled Nivian into her side.
The gates of her tears forced themselves open against her will and Nivian sobbed into her friend’s arms until she exhausted herself.
Cry. It was all she could do anymore. Cry and lie there, staring at nothing, wishing for the impossible. It felt like forever until she could breathe again. She sat up and wiped her face.
“It hurts so much. I—” Nivian cut her words short when a light breeze moved through the apartment. She looked to the door and Azira’s gaze followed.
Two male voices spoke softly. Caspian and Evander. The newest Silencer was a constant presence at Caspian’s side, as she once was.
Their arrival would mean nothing but requests. Requests for her to do more, be more, than she had the strength to oblige. She swiveled her head away as Evander stepped into view. His cloak rustled with his movements as he shifted uncomfortably before he crossed the room and stopped at Azira’s side.
Outside the window, the sun’s orange rays set the sky on fire as it dipped below the horizon of buildings.
The mattress shifted as Azira stood and murmured a soft greeting.
“How’s she doing?” Evander asked about her in a hushed voice, as if she weren’t two feet away. Nivian couldn’t bring herself to find offense, by now they’d know she wouldn’t have responded.
When she’d woken, she had snapped at Caspian and he’d been too stunned to respond. No one else, save Azira, had even tried to talk to her. Even then, she’d barely spoken more than two words to anyone since she returned, and most of them to Azira.
Azira blew out a long, slow breath. “As to be expected.”
“I don’t understand,” Evander said. The words weren’t meant to be unfeeling, he just had no frame of reference from the centuries of his existence. He was created to be a Reaper, while she was… different, with a history consisting of little more than a jumbled mess of chaos and large parts shrouded in darkness and fog.
Her fingers picked at a loose thread in the blanket, twisting and untwisting it around her index finger.
She’d once been a Hunter, in her first life, and because of that, she had never been quite like the others. As a Reaper, she’d always focused on protecting the balance and carrying out her marks to the best of her ability, but that small part of her past life—the part she always pushed down, pretending it didn’t exist—had always been there.
A heavier set of foot steps, familiar, both comforting and commanding, set Nivian’s nerves to racing. Caspian.
Her insides turned to lead, keeping her from getting up to face him. She wrapped her arms around her core. There was no part of her even close to ready for the demands that perched on his tongue.
She glanced in his direction from the corner of her eye. He approached with caution; perhaps still wary from the last time she’d spoken to him. Azira and Evander partially blocked her view as they continued to speak in hushed tones, stepping aside when Caspian reached her side.
“Nivian?” Caspian said, voice raw and full of gravel. “I need you to come to G.R.I.M. Headquarters, now. We must begin your training.”
The words were no easier to stomach even knowing they would come.
She swiveled her head to face him, slowly, as if she were underwater. An ache formed in her chest at seeing his face. They were close once, but now a wall separated them. He no longer felt like a source of comfort and trust. And though it wasn’t fair, part of her still blamed him for Kain’s death, for forcing her hand. Even though logic told her he’d done nothing wrong, that he was indeed right about Kain’s chances.
With Kain gone, there was no way to know. And her head rattled with all of the “what ifs” bouncing around.
“I don’t care,” she said. She threw the blankets off her legs and stood. Her body felt light and heavy simultaneously. Her gaze remained locked on Caspian, but all she could see was Kain lying on the broken stone ground with a nimbus of deep red spreading around him.
Nivian cleared her throat and pushed the images down. She needed space. It was too crowded. There were too many bodies in this small space. She started past him, her shoulder bumping Caspian’s, but she hardly cared, even when she bounced off his immovable form, eliciting a small sigh from him. Her body corrected its course automatically as she crossed into the kitchen.
She should speak to him, knew she needed to. But no. Not yet. She wasn’t ready to face reality.
Nivian stopped in front of the sink and looked out the window. It wasn’t the warm light of the setting sun that she took in, but drops of rain racing down the windowpane from weeks past. Not the sounds of Caspian’s footfalls as he followed her into the kitchen that reached her ears, but the tapping of each drop against the glass. The memory of freshly brewed coffee… and the crisp scent of rain from the window cracked open an inch.
“I am sorry, Nivian, you know I would not ask this of you were it not necessary, but it is time for you to resume your duties.”
Nivian blinked and shook her head, clearing away the memory. She wasn’t in her kitchen with Kain, but in his, without him.
“You are needed. We must start before I can no longer keep up with the extra burden on my powers. Please, Nivi.” He moved into her line of sight as he pleaded quietly with her.
Her fingers gripped the edge of the counter as she shook her head. Part of her recognized how selfish she was in her refusal, but she tamped it down. Only a week had passed.
Caspian’s jaw ticked, sorrow and frustration and fear flashed across his face, but he spoke calmly, “Silas is gone, N
ivi,” he pointed out. “You must begin your training to become the next Fate Keeper.”
“Have someone else do it. I… I can’t.” Nivian dropped her chin. She wanted to care about her job again but found it impossible. Only one thing filled her heart and mind. One thing she was powerless to change. One thing she couldn’t take back.
She was being unfair to Caspian, to her friends… to the world. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. She chided internally.
“You know there’s no one else.” He dared a step closer, his hand reaching toward her, waiting for her to take it.
Nivian spun on him, her mouth parting to speak words she didn’t have. She clenched her fists at her sides, her nails cutting crescents into her palms.
Slowly, carefully, Caspian halted a few inches from her. The warm, familiar scent of wood smoke and cardamom and thick, dark stargazer lilies filled the space between them. He placed a hand on her shoulder, then the other when she didn’t protest.
Who he was came back to her in a rush. The wall she’d built between them crumbled. Turning into fine grains of sand, then pebbles, and boulders, until it crashed and disappeared completely. She choked back a sob that made its way up her throat and let herself fall into his familiar embrace. Caspian’s arms wrapped around her.
“It’s so hard,” she whimpered into his shoulder.
“I know it hurts, but in time the pain will dull. I promise.” He leaned back and tilted her chin up. “I would take your pain from you if I could.”
The sincerity of his words took her by surprise. She’d forgotten he, too, knew the sharp blade of loss.
Everything was at stake, yet she only wanted to fall into a deep, endless pit of darkness and think nothing. Remember nothing. Feel nothing. But she couldn’t doom her friends to the fate she wanted, and she couldn’t doom all of existence.
Nivian took a step back and looked him in the eyes.
She had a duty and she was bound to perform it even if it destroyed what was left of her heart.
