by Wolfe Locke
It was time for me to move. I might have to wield my Steel Core bat one-handed, but I wasn’t going to hang Napoleon out to dry. Clutching my wounded arm to my chest, I moved in.
The King didn’t know which of us to attack. He looked down at his leg, then up at me, and then decided on me. He lurched toward me, dragging Napoleon behind him. The mimic was hanging on like a champ, but he was having trouble making much traction on the whole “eating the King” project. I guess all that plastic was hard to digest.
Lucky for me though, he was able to bring the King down. I circled him, dodging a series of grease attacks as I waited for my opening. Finally, I saw it. He was off-balance, trying to re-aim a shot after I’d leaped out of the way of it. I went in for the kill, holding the bat high in my good arm.
The King saw the look in my eyes and tried to scurry away from me, but Napoleon held him in place. I hit him as hard as I could and was rewarded with the feeling of power as the bat engaged and dealt out a critical hit. He wasn’t dead, but his health bar went down into the red. His perfectly plastic head cracked down the middle, an army of tiny spiders swarming out of the crack.
Why is it always spiders? I swung again in anger.
Luckily, the spiders didn’t seem to want to bother us. I turned my attention back to the King. He tried to shoot another volley at me, but I was ready for him. Without many actual hard fights, I’d let myself fall out of practice, but that was behind me. I leaned into what I’d already invested in. Aided by my basic targeting ability, I was able to hit him hard on the arm and watched the grease turn to ice and shatter on the floor.
The rest of the fight wasn’t pretty. I’m not proud of what happened after. A nice fat basic targeting red circle appeared over the King’s face. I did what I needed to do. I beat the King to death with my bat at close range while my mimic kept trying to eat him. When he was finally dead, Napoleon spat out pieces of broken plastic, making a disgusted face.
“You tried, buddy,” I said, giving him a thumbs up. “That’s all that matters. I’m proud of you.”
Notification: Experience Gained - +62 experience, next level in 38 experience. +93 Sol.
Current experience: 62/100.
Sol: 9354.
You have acquired “King’s Crown”
Details: “King’s Crown is a low durability item that, when worn, compels others to refer to the wearer as “M’Lord”.
You have gained two levels since you last visited a terminal. Please visit one when possible.
My mind was already turning with possibilities. In the current set of circumstances, I could set myself up as a God King of the Republic. I laughed. The plan had merit. As for Napoleon, he toddled over to the bags of food by the door as the cash register stopped glowing and a notification popped up.
Notification – Resources Ready.
Details: Resources have been seized: “Fatty Meals” Player must choose the location where to send them.
I let Napoleon grab a burger before I selected “Republic of Dan”. It was the least I could do for him. Everybody deserves a little treat now and then, and there was no treat tastier that exists than a burger after hard work.
The food flew into the air and took off across the parking lot. Napoleon sat down on the ground next to me, shoving fries into his mouth with his meat paws, making disgusting satisfied noises as he ate.
My stomach rumbled. Goddammit! Why didn’t I get anything for myself?
It was a total rookie move, and now I was starving with no way to relieve the hunger pains. I tried to grab a fry from Napoleon’s container, but the little bear snarled at me. Fair enough. I hated sharing food too.
Well, there was nothing I could do about it now. We just had to get to Live, Laugh, Love Homegoods, finish our mission, and get home. The bad thing: my left arm was useless. It was still burned from the King’s acid grease, and moving at all was incredibly painful. Hopefully, there was nothing to fight at Live, Laugh, Love.
“You done, buddy?” I asked as Napoleon stuffed a quarter pounder into his mouth and swallowed it whole. He growled at me, but it was all in good nature. I picked him up and put him on my shoulder as usual.
“Let’s go Napoleon, let's finish the job,” I said. “And maybe Edgar will give us a break when we get back to camp.”
I wasn’t counting on it. He didn’t seem like that type of guy. But I was a dreamer, baby.
Chapter Fifteen: Live, Laugh, Love
* * *
Live, Laugh, Love was around the corner from Hamburger King. I knew it well. Like I said, I like their pillows, and they had the best Candle Assortment for fall. If you’ve ever smelled Cinnamon Pumpkin Spice, you’d understand the exact reason why people could get so “basic”. You could practically taste it.
My arm was killing me from the King’s burns, but I tried to ignore it and moved on to the third stop on our quest. In the past, I could have just done something to kill myself and restarted, but I didn’t want to waste the respawn and get in trouble with the Crusaders. To my surprise, we were not the first ones there.
Three demi-humans stood in the parking lot, talking amongst themselves, completely oblivious to my presence. One was a giant truck-sized centaur who seemed to be the leader. He had chiseled abs and an eyepatch over one eye with a long scar that ran down his back. If experience had taught me anything, it was the value of coming in from a place of strength.
“Hi, guys!” I called out, strutting my chest out while keeping my bat firmly gripped. I tried to sound friendly. Napoleon chirped a greeting, although “friendly” wasn’t really his strong suit.
I remembered my last encounter with demi-humans in the bar during the tournament. It hadn’t gone so well. This time would be different. Sometimes, you get a second chance to make a first impression. Or however the saying goes.
They turned to look at me. The guy standing next to the centaur was clearly a satyr. His goat-like legs were bent and wiry. The other was some kind of octopus-woman. Her torso was human, but below the waist, she turned into a mass of heaving purple tentacles that dragged her across the ground. It didn’t make much sense to me.
Yuck. I try not to be prejudiced, but it was hard not to get nauseous.
“Who are you?” the centaur demanded as if I owed him an answer.
“I recognize him. It’s the reincarnator from the tournament,” the octopus lady said. “I remember him from TV.”
“Really?” the centaur asked then laughed. “That guy? I thought he’d be taller. And a little pudgier.”
“I’ve had some upgrades,” I said defensively. “And I worked out a little, gained some levels, you know… the usual. I’ve learned a lot since all that happened.”
They were already starting to get on my nerves. Why is every demi-human I’ve met so far a space cadet? I should be understanding. It must be hard to be a half-human, half-animal monstrosity.
“I’m Dan,” I said, proactively introducing myself. “You may have seen me on TV, but that’s not all there is to me. I have a lot of other skills. I just beat a giant plastic sculpture to death with a bat, and I rule my own Kingdom.”
“Sure you do, buddy,” said the octopus, not even bothering to look at me. “Glad to hear it.”
“I’m Ralmarus,” the satyr said. He looked a little more friendly than the others. “The centaur’s Altion, and she’s Ysmena.”
“That’s Napoleon,” I said, nodding at my bear. He jumped off my shoulder and growled, looking ready to fight. “Whoa, buddy. Try to calm down a bit. There’s no reason to be hostile…” I hope. “What are you guys doing here?”
Ralmarus peered at the door to Live, Laugh, Love. “We’ve been on a mission, watching this place. The whole place has been taken by monsters. We’re trying to seize it back.”
“Why though? What do you get out of it” I asked curiously, hoping I wasn’t going to have to fight them
“Because that’s what we do.” Ralmarus replied. “Scout and secure.”
I looke
d it over. “Are you going to live in there? It’s basically just a warehouse with gimmicks in it. And pillows.”
“Are you saying we shouldn’t try to live here?” Ysmena said, whirling around to look at me, and I couldn’t tell for sure, but it seemed to me like she was getting upset. “You want to keep it for yourself, right? That’s it? Or maybe you have an issue with us. Otherwise, why wouldn’t you want us to make a home in this store? It’s already furnished and has nice pillows.”
“Whoa,” I said, putting my good hand up to show I meant no harm. “I didn’t mean that at all. You guys should live wherever you want to. I just meant, I don’t know, it’s a décor store. Wouldn’t you rather be somewhere else?”
“No,” she huffed. “We like it here. It smells nice.”
I couldn’t fault it. It did have a good candle selection, after all. “That’s good. Look, I’m not prejudiced. I’m really excited to meet more demi-humans. I really am. I’ve got a monster-free Republic--”
“That’s exactly what someone who was prejudiced against demi-humans would say. How dare you throw around the monster word,” Ysmena hissed.
Altion the Centaur clopped over and shook his head. “Enough of that. I’ve been looking in the windows. It’s crawling with monsters of all types. I hate to say it, but I think we might be outmatched. I think I saw some kind of metal elemental in there. ”
Ysmena crossed her arms, and Ralmarus looked away uncomfortably. “Come on, you guys!” Ysmena shouted. “We can take them. I know we can.”
“Hey, Altion might have a point,” Ralmarus said cautiously. “He’s been at this way longer than either of us. He knows what the deal is. He’s a great fighter.”
I just watched the group argue among themselves. It was a little awkward, and I kept looking away as if I wasn’t literally paying attention to everything they were doing.
“I think we need to call it quits,” the centaur said. “It’s not worth dying over. Unlike our new friend over there, we don’t respawn. We should keep moving. I’m sure there’s a good place for us somewhere nearby.”
Ysmena snarled at me. “If we didn’t have human regenerators like this one taking over all the good neighborhoods, maybe we wouldn’t be in this spot! Maybe we would have found someplace to live already instead of wandering from place to place like a bunch of murder hobos!”
Hey. I almost yelled out in complaint. Almost. That accusation didn’t feel fair. I’d bought my house fair and square. And I’d also cleared all the zombies out of the Republic of Dan myself, by hand.
“I didn’t take anything; I’ve lived there most of my life,” I explained with an edge of frustration. No, frustration was too mild. This was anger. “There are plenty of good neighborhoods left. Just pick one and kill all the monsters in it like I did. You don’t have to sit outside in the parking lot of a mini-mall.”
They all looked at me, and the one that looked like a half-horse might have started to neigh in frustration.
“I mean... ” I stuttered a little. Thing’s got pretty tense there, and even Napoleon seemed ready to pull out and leave me behind.
The centaur galloped over and peered down at me. An angry grimacing horse face stared me down. “Who are you?” thundered Altion.
“I’m Dan...” I stammered. Obviously, I knew that wasn’t what he meant, but with three of them there, I wasn’t trying to start something I might not be able to finish.
“No, I mean who the hell are you? You want to lecture us about how to live our lives? You want to lecture me?” The centaur really was raising the volume. I stepped back a bit. “I was out slaying monsters when you were only a gleam in your father’s eye.”
I cringed. Okay, weird thing to say. Time to backtrack and make friends.
“You guys do look really tough, powerful even,” I said. “I didn’t mean to offend you,” I started, looking toward Ysmena, “any of you. You guys seem more than capable. I just mean that there are plenty of places to live…”
“Do you know how long I’ve been wandering the streets of this godforsaken city looking for a home? Do you know how much bullshit I’ve had to put up with from two-leggers like you?” The centaur practically screamed, and the Satyr moved forward to keep him back.
Anger welled up in me. Just who exactly does this asshole think he is? I threw up my hands. I was ready to throw hands. “I’m trying to work with you here, but if you want to go. Let's go.”
Napoleon was getting amped up too. The mimic might have been reserved for a minute, but he was always ready to punch above his weight class, snarling at them from the ground next to me.
“Even the human’s pet is aggressive,” Ysmena said with a scowl. “Do we think he’s trying to take over Live, Laugh, Love for himself?”
“What?” I protested. Sure, it might have been a lie, but they didn’t need to know that. “Not at all! I do not want to fight you for this place. This can be your home.”
Ysmena puffed up her chest, clearly offended. The only one who seemed to have a level head was the Satyr. “Oh, so it’s not good enough for him.”
Ralmarus shook his head, an almost panicked look on his face, and tried to intervene. “Hey, guys, guys. I think this is all just a big misunderstanding. This guy’s just moving along, right? You’re just moving along now? Back to wherever you came from?”
He looked at me pleadingly, and I nodded. I still wasn’t sure how this situation had escalated so quickly. Napoleon gave me a look, and I knew the mimic had my back.
“That I am. Just minding my own business!” I said cheerfully, hoping they wouldn’t think I was mocking them. “Just moving on down the road, back to the Republic of Dan.”
“See,” Ysmena hissed. “He has his own kingdom. Him. This… whatever he is.”
I looked at her and shrugged. Not my problem. Not my hang-up.
Altion glared at me, but he didn’t seem as bad as he’d been before. Smaller, maybe? “It’s an insult. She’s insulting you.”
“Buddy,” Ralmarus said, breaking me out of my thoughts. “Maybe you should go. Now.”
I agreed. Screw Live, Laugh, Love. Edgar could get his throw rugs elsewhere. I was down for a fight, but décor wasn’t worth it.
But it was too late. Ysmena had already slithered around to block our escape. Alton closed in on us from behind. The satyr backed away, wringing his hands. He’d done as much as he could to defuse the situation. It was too late.
“Guess we’re fighting, but remember that I tried,” I said to Napoleon. He snarled at the centaur and struck a warlike pose. I couldn’t help but laugh. It looked ridiculous, but I knew the mimic could probably handle the Centaur. It might have even been part of its strategy. Lower the centaurs guard and then eat him.
I clutched my burned arm tight to my chest, trying to protect it, but it wasn’t easy. Still, if I could take out a giant plastic mascot one-handed, maybe I could at least make a dent on these guys, take a few out. Or so I hoped.
Yeah, I was kidding myself. Altion was an elite warrior, and Ysmena was a vicious octopus-monster who’d stop at nothing to destroy her enemies. They took us both on: the centaur against me, and the octopus against Napoleon. I figured Napoleon would come out okay.
“Seriously!” Ralmarus shouted, looking at me with a bewildered expression. He tried one last time, doing nothing more than making everyone else more tense. “Run. Try to get out of here!”
There was no chance of that at this point. They weren’t going to let us get out of here. I watched in horror as Ysmena engulfed my mimic with her tentacles. He tried to struggle free, attempting to open his mouth and eat her, but she held him fast. Then, with a sick snarl, she squeezed... hard.
“Napoleon! Come on, buddy, you can do it!” I screamed. I’d seen the mimic do damage to Balverines, more spiders than I could count, and myself. This should have been a breeze for him.
But it wasn’t, and he couldn’t. He struggled, but his movements grew weaker and weaker as she crushed him to death. Finally, he
went limp. Ysmena laughed and slithered off of him. Napoleon, my little meat friend, lay still on the asphalt.
“No!” I screamed. It was a scream of outrage, madness, anger. Righteous, deep from the chest, blood-boiling anger. They will pay.
I was fairly confident Napoleon would respawn too, but if he somehow didn’t… I’d never forgive myself for getting him into this situation. All he’d wanted was a snack.
Altion came for me with his razor-sharp scimitar. I readied my bat and faced him down, anger welled up in me. Napoleon was my mimic. The horseman moved fast, but with my targeting, I was able to keep up and aimed for a red glowing circle that appeared around the joints of his front legs.
