by Jackie Walsh
When Lucas found out the girls were meeting at the apartment, he decided to invite his best man, Ronan, and two other mates from work who are coming to the wedding. It’s like a mini wedding rehearsal. Only I’m not at all in the humour for any of it. I’m scared after what that detective said at the station when she dropped a bomb on my world. I couldn’t believe she mentioned the site. I had to be clever and act dumb. My bag of secrets was in her hand and she was pulling on the zip. I can only hope she doesn’t get it open.
I’ll have to try and put my worries to the back of my mind for now and make an effort to enjoy myself because it’s almost time to go to the pub and I don’t want to leave Andriu sitting in Reilly’s on his own. I could have asked him to join us here at the apartment for the pre drinks, but then the rest of the gang might never leave and I don’t want that. I’m afraid I might get too drunk and blurt something out about what happened at the police station.
I have to stay focused until I speak to Andriu. Thankfully nobody has noticed I’m only sipping my drink or they’d be asking questions. I need to talk to Andriu about what the detective mentioned with a clear head. I’m hoping he can remember something of use and my best chance of getting to speak to him on his own, without everyone else listening to the conversation, is in the pub.
‘Of course I’ll miss you,’ I say putting my arm around Emily. ‘I’ll miss you every day and I’ll particularly miss you when I see prosecco.’
Emily laughs. ‘And I’ll miss you,’ she says. ‘And I’ll particularly miss you when I run out of prosecco.’ She lifts her glass in the air. I lift mine and we clink glasses.
‘To Mr and Mrs Jones,’ she says.
Lucas is taking three more cans of beer out of the fridge and he sees me looking at him. ‘We’ll go after this,’ he says, handing the cans to Ronan and the two mates whose names I can’t remember.
Amy is busy chatting to the taller guy. The one with the charming smile and designer clothes. She’s giving him the attention she doles out only when she’s very interested in a man. Her eyes are all dopey and fixed on his. She’s nodding in agreement with his every word. I wish she’d say something and mention his name; I don’t want to have to ask Lucas what it is again. He’ll think I’m losing it and I wouldn’t blame him. I’ve been so jumpy and nervous these past few days.
Lucas thinks it’s because the wedding is a week away that I’m so anxious but it’s not that. In fact, I wish the wedding was today and I was jetting off tomorrow. Leaving this place before the detectives discover anything else.
If we had gone with the original date, October, this wouldn’t be happening now. I’d be dodging kangaroos instead of the police. But the band that Lucas wanted wasn’t available, and as he had no other requests, letting me pick everything I wanted from the hotel to the meal to the service, I couldn’t really disappoint him. So we changed it to November. One month later. I thought it wouldn’t make any difference. How wrong was I?
The body hadn’t been discovered in October. I’d never have heard of Avril Ryan on the far side of the world. And if the police did try to contact me through the Australian police, they probably would have just called me up to ask me if I knew anything. I would have said no, I’d never heard of the woman and that would have been the end of it. But here I am. One month and I’m in a completely different situation.
I’m feeling very nervous since Detective Lee asked me about the ‘Cabhrui’ website. I played dumb. I had to. My heart was in my mouth and I think I lost at least a year off my life with the shock I got. I hope I disguised it well.
My mind has been tortured ever since she mentioned it. I wanted to ask her what the site had to do with Avril Ryan but I was afraid that would make me look interested and she might pick up on that and think I was hiding something. Sean did ask, though, and the detective said they came across some information on Avril Ryan’s hard drive that suggested she might be involved with the site.
I think Sean noticed a chip in my façade because when we left the station he reminded me it was important I hid nothing from him. He needed all the facts if he was going to help me. I told him he had all the facts. I had never met Avril Ryan. Which I believed to be true.
But now I’m not so sure. The more I think about it, Avril Ryan must have had something to do with that website or the detective wouldn’t have mentioned it in the interview.
I didn’t tell Sean the ‘Cabhrui’ website the detective mentioned was where I illegally sourced the Nembutal for my mam’s death three years ago.
Chapter Forty-Two
It took another half hour before we packed into the elevator and left for the pub. The smell of alcohol in the confines of the small space did not go unnoticed by the couple who were waiting to get into the elevator after us. One of the women was just short of holding her nose. Her face shrivelled up when the door opened and the waft of beer hit her.
‘Sorry,’ Lucas said with a grin on his face as he stepped out. He put his arm around my shoulders and we walked out the door.
Lucas has been really busy this week wrapping up at his office. He had to stay late most nights which didn’t bother me. I was busy with the last minute stuff for the wedding and I had to rearrange some of the seating arrangements when we got a final attendance number. I was glad I had something to keep me busy because when the middle of the night came and I lay in the darkness of the bedroom, the heat from Lucas’s body radiating into mine, my mind took off in search of its own adventure. Exaggerating every possible scenario including, would you believe, what I would study if I did end up in prison.
This could go on for hours well into the morning trying to piece together the jigsaw from the few pieces of information the detectives had given me. Why did Avril Ryan ring me? What had she to do with ‘Cabhrui’?
The only thing I can come up with is that she actually ran the site. Avril Ryan may have been the person who sold me the cocktail of drugs for my mother.
I didn’t see enough of the woman to identify her. It was all very brief, a clandestine mission that Andriu drove me to.
I first made contact with the website on my mam’s laptop because she wanted nothing to connect back to me. I didn’t know what I was looking for so Faye helped me. Both of us sat at Mam’s kitchen table staring at the screen like we were shopping for clothes. The consequence of what we were searching for didn’t dawn on us in that moment. We even laughed when we thought we might be making progress and would end up on some obscure site of no relevance. Dad wasn’t in the house at the time, which was just as well because he wouldn’t have been any benefit to us. He crumbled at the mere mention of anything to do with my mam’s request. I wouldn’t even ask for a lift to pick up the package. Thankfully, Andriu was insured on Faye’s car. Faye was able to tell me what drugs to google and possible online communities that might support our mission. It took a lot of hours searching before we came across the ‘Cabhrui’ website. It was very vague and didn’t directly say it supplied Nembutal. But it mentioned it, so we made a simple enquiry. Immediately the connection was erased and further communication took place over a burner phone that the seller said would be destroyed as soon as the transaction was completed. To my eyes, the seller was just words on a screen; there was no name, sex or nationality mentioned. The seller, however, needed my mother’s information to ensure the case was legit and that she was terminally ill. I don’t know how they checked that out. Maybe they worked for one of the terminally ill support groups or in the health board offices. I didn’t ask. I didn’t need to know.
It took over a month after the initial contact before I found myself standing outside the library on the far side of the city, taking a small bag from a female wearing dark glasses. She wore a coat with a big furry collar that hid most of her face, even though it was really warm out. The transaction was brief. I thanked her and she thanked me, saying that what I was doing for my mother was a great thing.
When I got into the car, I could see her doing a double take. Even thro
ugh the dark glasses I could tell she was staring at the car. The woman was not at all happy that I had somebody with me. I didn’t recall being instructed to come alone – maybe I was supposed to have copped on to that part by myself but I didn’t drive, there was no direct bus and it was much too far to walk. I turned my head away from her stare and asked Andriu to drive on.
Could it have been Avril Ryan? The question sits uneasily with me. If so, why did she ring me on the day she disappeared? Did she want an update on how things had gone for my mam? I can’t suggest that to the detectives or they’ll know I broke the law. I’ll be charged. I won’t get to live in Australia with Lucas and the sunshine and barbecued everything.
‘I hope it’s a bit warmer next week,’ Amy says, pushing on the door of Reilly’s pub. ‘If not, we’re going to freeze.’
‘We’ll be on the dance floor by this time,’ Emily says, hurrying in after her.
The pub is busy when we get inside, the lights dim, the music not too loud. We get a spot big enough to accommodate us all in the corner. I glance around to see if Andriu has arrived yet but I don’t see him.
Lucas takes everyone’s order and waves down a young waitress who’s walking past us. He’s telling her what we want when I feel a hand landing on my shoulder. I turn and look up to find Andriu standing there.
‘Jesus, that’s creepy,’ I say, jumping up to hug him. ‘Were you hiding?’ Then I turn and introduce him to everyone. Andriu is wearing the same clothes he was wearing the other day. Jeans, T-shirt and a leather jacket.
Immediately I notice Amy’s eyes locking onto his good looks. She pulls a stool out from under the table and asks him if he wants to sit there.
‘No,’ I say, louder than I mean to. ‘He’s sitting here, beside me, we have a lot of catching up to do.’ Then I pull up a stool beside me and Andriu sits down. When Lucas has finished giving the young waitress the order he stands up and puts his hand out, forcing Andriu to do the same. ‘So, you’re the famous Andriu,’ he says.
‘And you’re the famous Lucas. Congrats on landing such a dinger.’ He shakes Lucas’s hand.
‘Thanks, I think so.’
I can’t put my finger on it but I don’t think Lucas likes Andriu. He’s not fully smiling. Lucas is holding back, staring at him a bit longer than is necessary. Maybe Lucas thinks we were an item once upon a time. That Andriu bedded his woman. Men can be like that, threatened and territorial. Lucas should know he has nothing to worry about.
By this stage Amy has reverted to plan A and is now practically sitting on Lucas’s friend’s knee, who I discover is named Ryan. Emily is deep in conversation with Barry and Lucas has turned away and is recounting some bad joke for Ronan, the best man. I hope it’s not a speech rehearsal.
With everyone in deep conversation, I turn my stool slightly away from them to get a more direct one-on-one with Andriu.
‘Nice guy,’ he says, meaning Lucas.
‘Yeah he’ll do grand, for a few years anyway.’ I laugh at my own joke, lifting my glass to swallow some gin.
‘Has he money?’
‘Andriu, don’t be so rude.’
‘Well has he or hasn’t he? I’d hate to think of you arriving in Australia and discovering you had to skin crocodiles for a living.’ Andriu lifts his pint of Guinness, breaking the seal on the white collar as he swallows. Then he licks the frothy moustache from his lips. An image of Faye brushing her finger over his mouth jumps into my mind and suddenly I feel sad. What really happened between them? They were so good for one another. I want to ask Andriu but if I go down that road I may never get to the subject I really want to ask him about.
‘Did you hear from the detectives yet?’ I say, staring at him from above the rim of my glass as I take another sip of my drink.
‘Yes, actually, they called me on the phone. Thanks, by the way, for not mentioning where I was staying.’
‘And?’
‘They asked me if I knew the woman. I said no. Then they asked if you knew her. I said I didn’t know but I’d never heard you mention her name, or Faye for that matter.’
‘Did they want to meet you?’
‘They said they may need to contact me again, but…’
‘But what…?’
Andriu puts his pint down and rests his hands on his knees. He looks up at the ceiling briefly before saying, ‘Tara. Do you think Faye could have something to do with it?’
‘What?’ Why the hell is he bringing that up again?
‘It’s just… ah, nothing.’ Andriu lifts his pint and swallows a large gulp of Guinness.
‘No. Not nothing. Why did you say that, Andriu?’ I don’t like where this is going. Is Andriu suggesting Faye killed that woman? Because if he is… Faye was wonderful, Faye was kind, Faye would never hurt anyone. Could she really have changed that much? My heart is beating fast and I’m praying he gets to explain himself before someone interrupts us.
‘I shouldn’t say it, I know, but it seemed to me like she was going a bit crazy, Tara. And it seemed to get worse after that night, the night when you left the festival to be somewhere more important.’ Andriu leans in closer to me. ‘Did something happen that I don’t know about?’
My heart is racing. Why is he bringing up that night? Does he know something? Did the detective mention the ‘Cabhrui’ website to him too? I don’t know what he’s suggesting but I need to find out.
Lucas stands up. ‘Same again?’
Ryan interrupts him. ‘No, this is my shout, Lucas, you got the last one.’ Ryan moves away, leaving Amy with no one to chat to. She turns her attention to me and Andriu but I give her such a look she knows to back off.
‘No, nothing that I can think of.’ I look away from Andriu and stare at the ice melting in the glass in front of me. Was I wrong to expect my friend to assist me? To sit there and watch me administer a lethal dose to my mother while she waited with a vial of morphine in case something went wrong? Oh God, what did I do? I lift the glass and down the rest of my drink in an attempt to slow down the panic rising in me. And then I think, but she’s a doctor, she knew what she was doing, she offered to help.
‘Andriu, why do you think Faye could have something to do with the murder? Do you think she killed the woman? Faye could never do that. For God’s sake, Andriu.’
He notices the disbelief and anger creeping into my voice and decides to back off. ‘Forget I said anything, Tara. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that about Faye.’
‘No you shouldn’t.’
‘Look, there’s no point opening old wounds. You don’t know what was going on between us back then. How crazy she’d become. She accused me of sleeping with you, for God’s sake.’
‘What? Why would she think I slept with you?’
Baffled by Andriu’s comment, I remember the night she tossed Andriu out of Huntley Lodge, her words flying angrily throughout the house. Andriu had been unfaithful. That much I could make out. My heart was bleeding for her and when I heard her shout that she could trust no one anymore, I wanted to run up the stairs and hug her, tell her she had me. That she would always be able to trust me. But I was puking into the sink at the time and I didn’t think it right to interfere. I thought the next day would be better when she’d calmed down. I would talk to her then, remind her she could trust me. That we would always have each other. But when the following day arrived, Faye never mentioned the row. Or Andriu. Or anything that happened the previous night. She just left.
Christ, after all she did for me, I really hope she doesn’t think I slept with Andriu. But I’m confused as to why she would think that? What would even put that idea into her head?
Chapter Forty-Three
My conversation with Andriu ends abruptly when Emily pulls her stool over beside him. They both seem very familiar with one another. I want to join in and laugh and pretend I’m enjoying myself, but what Andriu said about Faye is worrying the hell out of me. I really hope I get a chance to tell her I did not sleep with her boyfriend. I would
never do anything to hurt her. I pull my seat back to make room, because Emily is almost sitting on Andriu’s knee. If Faye thought I had betrayed her, it would explain why she left so abruptly and never returned any of my calls. But why didn’t she confront me? I know she never bought into forgiveness. Faye was a ‘one strike and you’re out’ kind of girl but this was me. Tara. Her best friend. Why was she so quick to believe it without even giving me my chance in the dock?
Pushing her blonde hair off her face, Emily leans forward, smiling, and tells Andriu it’s lovely to meet him again. She asks him all the right questions, about his job, how long he is in Dublin for, whether his hotel is nice… All the questions I should have asked him but the truth is, I wasn’t interested in the answers to those questions.
The only thing I’m interested in finding out from Andriu is what he knows about the Avril Ryan investigation. What did the police say to him and has he any idea what Avril Ryan was doing in Huntley Lodge? Everything else he has to say seems surplus to my curiosity. He made light of what the detectives asked him which leads me to believe he isn’t worried about them. Not like me. I’m worried sick. I think I’m the one they’re focusing on.
We’ve been here for hours now and everyone is at their loudest, vying to be heard over the laughter and music. Lucas is looking at me from the far end of the table. His eyes are glossed over from too much beer. He mimes a kiss in my direction and I send him one back. He’s the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.
Amy is currently tapping her fingers on Ryan’s leg for some reason. He seems to be as interested in her as she is in him. Maybe they’ll become an item and Amy won’t want to move to Australia next year. I was delighted when she suggested she might come over but now I’m not as fearful of being on my own over there. I might even prefer it.
