by Jackie Walsh
Ronan is up at the bar trying to get a last order out of the barman before we’re all turfed out. I’m pretty sure it was Andriu’s turn to buy a round but he didn’t offer. He’s chatting away to Emily now and Emily is doubled over in laughter at something he has said.
I feel like I’m unable to fully enjoy myself. Andriu has added to my worries instead of easing them. What he said about Faye is freaking me out. But what if he’s right and Faye was unstable at the time? Could she really have thought I slept with Andriu? Was I so engrossed in my own grief that I didn’t notice Faye was crumbling too?
I can’t think about that now. Not here. Not in the company of all these wonderful, cheery people who are just out to enjoy themselves. I need to relax and emotionally join the company. Laugh a bit. The show must go on.
These are my friends. The people who’ll be celebrating my wedding with me next week. I hope.
In a couple of months, I’ll be longing to be in a crowded noisy pub with these people. Thinking back to all those carefree days that we spent together. All the fun I had with Amy and Emily and… I wish Faye was here.
Three gin and tonics are lined up in front of me on the table. I’m way behind everyone else so I lift a bottle of tonic and pour it in on top of a gin, then I swallow the whole drink in one go. The noise seems to fade to the background as I take the next drink over and sit beside Lucas. Lucas puts his arm around me.
‘This time next week, Tara, this time next week.’ His words bring a smile to my face. This time next week I’ll be Mrs Jones. Dancing amongst my friends and family in a beautiful white dress. My dad will be dancing beside me, his awkward moves making me laugh. He’ll smile even though he’s sad. But he’ll also be happy, because I’ll be happy.
‘Would you take my grave as quick?’ Ronan says, placing the last round of drinks down on the table.
‘I would if it was as comfortable,’ I say.
Lucas pulls me onto his lap but Ronan insists I have his stool and goes searching for another one. I’m sitting down when my eyes are drawn to Andriu at the far end of the group. Emily is still talking away to him but he’s looking towards the front of the pub. I look over to see what’s so interesting. A woman in a black jacket and grey jeans is walking out the door. I didn’t get to see her face. Maybe he thinks he knows her. She’s gone now.
I bring my attention back to Ronan and ask him if he’s all ready to make his speech next week. I hint at him that I’m hoping the speeches are short, they can be so long-winded.
* * *
An hour later and we’re standing outside the door of the pub waiting on a taxi for Emily and Amy. Everyone has had enough and I’m thankful that no one suggested returning to the apartment.
The lads decide to walk home because it’s only two roads behind the pub. When they’ve parted, Emily and Amy get into a taxi, screeching with excitement in anticipation of next week’s wedding.
Andriu says goodbye and walks off in the opposite direction. He’s excited to be going to the wedding and feels less of an outsider now that he has met some of the guests. I get the feeling he’s looking forward to meeting Emily again. They got on a lot better than Emily’s boyfriend would approve of. Andriu told me to get in touch if the cops get in contact again but that I shouldn’t worry too much.
Tiredness is swimming through my body, shutting down each section as it passes through. I can’t wait to fall into bed.
Lucas is dying to pee, hopping from foot to foot when we get into the elevator. When the door opens, he rushes down the corridor and fumbles with the key before he darts into the apartment.
I follow, entering the familiar space with a heavy heart. I’m marrying this wonderful man next week. I need to tell him why I’m so worried about the investigation. What I’m afraid will come to light before the detectives are finished with me.
‘That was a great night,’ Lucas says when he comes out of the toilet. He takes his jacket off and flings it onto the sofa. There is still some pizza left in one of the boxes from earlier on. Lucas takes a slice and shoves it in his mouth cold. ‘Your friend seems to be a bit of a scrooge,’ he mumbles through a mouthful of food. ‘I noticed he didn’t offer to buy a drink all night.’
I knew he didn’t like Andriu. Lucas never has a bad word to say about anyone even when they deserve it. He’s always, ‘Ah, give the man a break.’ Or ‘Sure, you don’t know what they’re going through.’ Sometimes I think he should be writing quotes for Instagram.
I yawn, my mouth opening wide, dragging in as much energy as it can fit. Then I cry. Unplanned tears stream down my face. I no longer have the power to keep them locked away.
‘What’s wrong?’ Lucas says, his voice filled with worry. ‘Did something happen, Tara? Are you okay?’
He hurries over to where I’m standing at the patio door. The city is twinkling through the glass. I’m looking up at the dark sky, at the lonely moon looking back at me.
‘Tara.’ Lucas puts his hand on my cheek and turns my face to his. ‘Tell me, what’s wrong?’
I sniffle, then wipe my nose with my hand. I’m about to rub my eyes when Lucas wipes them for me.
‘This can’t go on Tara… you’re going to have to talk to me.’
I look into his eyes, his deep blue eyes, and nod. My mouth is bone dry. The tears have dried me up, or was it the gin? I gather spit with my tongue, swish it round my mouth and speak.
‘There’s something I have to tell you, Lucas.’
I walk away towards the kitchen area. I’m going to need a strong coffee to get through this.
Chapter Forty-Four
Then
My father hasn’t spoken in over an hour. He just sits by the side of the bed, ashen-faced, listening to Mam. He runs his hand through his hair every now and then as if massaging his brain, trying to understand what she is saying.
When Mam has stopped talking, she puts her hand out for him to hold. He leans forward and with both hands, he grips her hand tightly.
‘Are you sure this is what you want?’ he says. But he knows it is. I know it is. Mam has spent many a night and day lying here, just lying here in this same bed unable to move, thinking about it.
It’s as clear as the water that flows down Daylight mountain. Mam has absolutely no doubt in her mind. She wants to die. She wants us to help her leave peacefully before the disease gets a chance to drag her from this world screaming and crying.
I listen to her words like I’m sitting watching a performance. Her thin lips move with more precision than they have in some time. Her eyes seem void of emotion. It’s as if she has rehearsed this speech so often in her head, its contents no longer affect her.
She speaks about the facts, the menu of pain that lies in front of her and the awkward disrobing of her dignity. She leaves no reasonable doubt as to why she should revisit her decision. Since day one she has educated herself on everything she could expect from her diagnosis and while it has been hard up to now, the hardest bit lies ahead. She has searched and found no reason to allow it to occur. The disease has taken enough from her and she does not want it to take her last wish. Her decision is final, and she hopes we can allow her that. Mam also hopes we will help her.
Afraid to move my eyes from her face, look at my father or see Mam’s frail body lying there, I sit paralysed in the chair. Then her hand, resting on top of the covers, opens and reaches out to me. I look at it. The thin bony hand. It makes me nervous but I put my hand in hers and she squeezes it with the little strength she has left.
I lean in closer to my mam, turning her hand over until I am squeezing it. I take a deep breath and in that moment I move from being my mother’s daughter to being my mother’s saviour.
‘Of course I’ll help you, Mam.’
I don’t question her decision. It is her decision. I know this has to go as smoothly as possible for my mother’s sake. For all our sakes.
I tell her I know a few people in the medical world. Faye immediately springs to mind. I can tru
st Faye. She would want me to trust her, but I will tell her not to get involved, just to point me in the right direction because what I am about to do is illegal.
Exactly how this is going to play out isn’t decided by the time I leave the room, but I promise my mother I will do what I can for her. I will make it happen.
I’m doing my best to stay calm but on the inside everything is shaking. My legs are barely able to hold me up. I step out of what has now become Mam’s downstairs bedroom because she can no longer walk upstairs. Then I fall to the ground.
I’m lying here, unable to move, howling silently. My mouth is open, my body is screaming but I cannot let her hear me. I have to absorb as much of her pain as possible. Tears burn every inch of my face as I plead with God to stop time from passing.
My father eventually comes out of the room and nods at me to join him in the kitchen. His red face appears to have swelled up from all the crying and it’s hard to focus on his eyes because the pain is so heavy behind them.
‘We have to do it,’ he says.
‘I know.’
The words screech out of my mouth. I fall forward into my dad’s arms. We sit there, hugging, crying. I want to ask him what he thinks. But his opinion doesn’t matter, my opinion doesn’t matter – not even God’s opinion matters now.
When the last sigh of weakness leaves my body I replace it with a plea for strength. The strength I am going to need to see this through.
Chapter Forty-Five
Lucas is watching me from the far side of the small table. I’m sitting cross-legged on the ground. There is silence between us. The mug of coffee sits untouched on the table in front of me. I’m not sure if Lucas realizes I’ve finished talking, or if he just can’t find the words to express how he feels. His face is partly shadowed by the single light-bulb glowing in the corner of the room. I want to get up to fetch some water but I need him to say something. I want to know if he still loves me. Does he still want to marry me?
‘I’m sorry Lucas. I should have told you before now.’ My voice is low, weighed down by sadness. I lift my hand and reach for the mug but the coffee is cold now. I’ve been talking a long time.
‘Do you want a fresh one?’ Lucas says, stretching his arms out when he stands up from the sofa. It’s late now. Lucas is tired. I’m tired. The clock in the kitchen is out of sight but I’m guessing it must be after three in the morning.
‘No, I could do with a glass of water.’
What feels like a cold breeze passes over my body. My teeth chatter. I wrap my arms around myself and turn around to check the patio door is closed. It is. It must be my nerves. It’s been a few minutes since I finished telling Lucas my secret and he still hasn’t commented. Is he finding it hard to digest? Maybe I shouldn’t have told him at all but I couldn’t go through with the wedding knowing I was keeping something this big from him. At first I thought I could. That I could keep it locked away but I understand now that it will never leave me. No matter how hard I try to forget about it something will bring it back to life. I have to learn to live with it. It’s part of me. Part of who I am and Lucas needs to know that. If I’m going to be spending the rest of my life with this man I need to be able to talk about this whenever I need to. Lucas probably thinks it’s a bit much landing this on him now. Right before the wedding. Gosh I wish he’d say something. Anything. Just speak Lucas.
He walks over to my side with the glass of water and puts it down in front of me. Then Lucas returns to the sofa. He leans forward and stares at me. My heart is thumping in my chest and my hand trembles when I lift the glass. The cold water sends another shiver through my body but I swallow it all in one go. The thirst returns as soon as I’m done.
‘I think you were very brave,’ Lucas says. I shuffle forward on the floor, closer to the table, closer to Lucas. I’m nodding, I want him to say more. He looks up, rubs his hand down his face before smiling at me.
‘You should have told me before now. I can’t believe you’ve been carrying that around with you all this time. Christ Tara, we’re about to get married. You have to know you can lean on me.’
‘I know Lucas, I’m sorry, I was going to tell you but every time something would get in the way and…’ Looking away from Lucas’s stare, I start to cry.
‘Don’t cry Tara.’ He says, moving off the sofa to my side. Lucas puts his arms around me and I sob. The relief is overwhelming. I have told Lucas what I have done and he has responded by putting his arms around me. My eyes slowly close. I’m clinging to his embrace when I hear the words.
‘Would you do it for me?’ Lucas whispers. I lift my head and look him in the eye. ‘I’d do anything for you Lucas.’
‘Well that’s good to know.’
A few more minutes pass with Lucas holding me tight before he suggests we go to bed. It’s been a long day. My body is tired. I’ll fall asleep right here in his arms if I don’t move now. Just to get from the living room floor to the bedroom takes a lot of effort. I eventually stop yawning when my head hits the pillow. Lucas wraps his body around me and I’m about to drift off when my eyes open wide. Clutching his arms close to me I say.
‘Would you do it for me?’
Lucas hugs me. His words melt my heart as he whispers in my ear.
‘I’d do anything for you Tara.’
Chapter Forty-Six
Faye
My feet have gone numb. My body is shivering from the cold but I have to wait here. I have to meet Andriu. This could be my only chance before he goes back to London. He needs to know that I have forgiven him, that I still love him.
The four vodkas – at least I think it was four – have worn off now. But I had to drink them. I found it hard to watch the two of them, sitting together, talking, Tara turning her chair so she could have Andriu all to herself. I wonder what they spoke about. Was I even mentioned? Were they planning another rendezvous? A last fling before the wedding?
I’m lucky the pub was full, or I would not have been able to stay there and spy on them. At one point, I thought Andriu might have recognised me. His glance hovered on me for a minute. Our eyes met but I quickly turned away and stood up and left. I couldn’t risk bumping into him in front of her. I want to talk to him alone.
The phone buzzes in my pocket. My mam is doing my head in. I can’t answer it because Andriu is in my sights now. He’s walking towards the next bridge. I quicken my step, my freezing hands holding my jacket closed over my chest as I shuffle in these cursed high heels. I cross over the road and follow him along the Liffey wall.
‘Andriu,’ I call out but he doesn’t hear me. So I move quicker. I’m almost running. I am running. ‘Andriu!’ Why can’t he hear me? Is he wearing headphones?
‘Andriu!’ I’m just a few feet away when he turns and stares at me in silence. ‘It is you… It’s me, Faye.’
‘What are you doing here?’ he says.
My smile fades. My heart slows. Andriu does not look happy to see me. If anything, he looks the opposite.
‘I saw you from across the street and I couldn’t believe it was you. I thought you were in London. What are you doing here?’ I say, doing my best to sound cool while every part of me is ticking like a time bomb.
‘Faye, I don’t really want to talk to you,’ he says, shaking his head like I was the one who broke his heart.
‘But Andriu, can’t we just talk? I need to talk to you.’
Andriu turns around saying, ‘Leave it be, Faye.’ Then he walks away.
What will I do? I can’t just leave it be. Why won’t he talk to me? I follow him.
‘But Andriu, listen to me, please, just for a minute.’
He stops and my heart kicks back into overdrive; he’s going to talk to me. Andriu turns around.
‘Okay, one minute.’
One minute, what will I say? I should have rehearsed this but in my head I imagined Andriu would be delighted to see me. That he’d want to talk all night long. We would discuss everything and make plans for getting back
together. I did not expect this response. What will I say?
‘Andriu, I just want you to know that I forgive you.’
‘Okay,’ he says and turns back around. He’s walking away. What is wrong with him? Tara must have poisoned his mind. I rush forward and grab his arm.
‘Andriu, I still love you, I never stopped loving you…’
He puts his hand on mine, his touch a bolt of lightning shooting up my arm. But then he pulls my hand away.
‘Go home, Faye.’
‘But Andriu please, I—’
‘Go home, Faye. You need help,’ he says.
‘But Andriu, hear me out, please.’
Andriu stops. He turns and walks towards me.
‘I’m sorry, Andriu, I shouldn’t have flown off the handle that night. I shouldn’t have asked you to leave. I miss you, Andriu. If I could go back, I’d do things differently.’
‘Sorry Faye, but that was a long time ago. I’ve moved on and you should too. I pity you, you know.’
I don’t normally accept sympathy easily, in fact I hate it. It makes me feel like a loser, a failure. It’s another way of saying, I’m glad I’m not you, but from Andriu, I’ll accept any form of attention. Even if it’s tainted with a hint of malice.
‘I tried, Andriu. I tried to move on but I couldn’t get you out of my thoughts.’
I lower my head shyly and lift my eyes to look at him. He steps forward and moves his face closer to me. For a moment I can feel excitement rushing to my head. Is he going to kiss me?
‘Were you following me?’ he says. His boozy breath lands on my face.
‘No, I just saw you across the street and…’ Shit. Andriu must realise it was me he recognised sitting up at the bar. He’ll think I’m crazy.
