"I'm seventeen years old. I think I have the right to change." This guy. I want to roll my eyes at him, but first I need him to give me more answers.
"Did Clark Nash put you up to this?" he asks, leaning forward with accusation in both his words and his expression. "Are you involved with Silas again?"
He's trying to turn it around on me. He can't get to me anymore.
"Yes, Daddy," I say, smiling sweetly. "I'm involved with Silas again. And we're in love and very happy. Thank you for asking."
Veins bulge at his temples. His hands tighten into angry fists. "Charlie, you know what I think about that."
His reaction sets me off. I stand up and my chair scoots back with a screech. "Let me tell you what I think, Dad." I take a step away from the table and point at him. "You've ruined a lot of lives. You thought money could take the place of your responsibilities. Your choices drove my mother to drinking. You left your own daughters with nothing, not even a role model in their lives. Not to mention all the people you swindled money from in your company. And you blame everyone else. Because you're a really shitty human. And an even shittier father!" I say. "I don't know Charlie and Janette very well, but I think they deserve better."
I turn and walk away, tossing a couple of final words over my shoulder. "Goodbye, Brett! Have a nice life!"
I'm sitting cross-legged on the hood of the car, leaning against the windshield and writing down notes when she returns. She was in there for more than an hour, so I did what she said and came to wait out here to keep an eye on our siblings. I sit up straight when I see her. I don't ask her if she found out anything; I just wait for her to say something. She doesn't look like she wants to be spoken to at this point.
She's heading straight for the car. She makes brief eye contact with me as she passes me. I turn my head and watch her as she walks swiftly to the rear of the car and then back to the front again. Then to the rear. Back to the front.
Her hands are clenched in fists at her side. Janette opens the front door and steps out of the car.
"What'd the world's greatest prison-dad have to say?"
Charlie stops in her tracks. "Did you know about Cora?"
Janette pulls her neck back and shakes her head. "Cora? Who?"
"The Shrimp!" Charlie says loudly. "Did you know he's her father?"
Janette's mouth drops open and I immediately jump off the hood of the car.
"Wait. What?" I say, walking toward Charlie.
She pulls her hands up and rubs them over her face, then makes her fingers into a steeple as she breathes in slowly. "Silas, I think you were right. This isn't a dream."
I can see the fear in every part of her. The fear that hasn't settled in since she lost her memories again several hours ago. It's all just now hitting her.
I take a slow step forward and reach my hand out. "Charlie. It's okay. We'll figure this out."
She takes a quick step back and begins shaking her head. "What if we don't? What if it keeps happening?" She begins pacing again, this time with her hands locked behind her head. "What if it happens over and over until our lives waste away!" Her chest begins to heave in and out with the deep breaths she's taking.
"What's wrong with you?" Janette asks. She directs her next question at me. "What am I missing?"
Landon is standing next to me now, so I turn to him. "I'm taking Charlie for a walk. Will you explain to Janette what's happening to us?"
Landon presses his lips together and nods. "Yeah. But she'll think we're all lying."
I grab Charlie's arm and urge her to walk with me. Tears begin streaming down her cheeks and she swipes at them angrily. "He was living a double life," she says. "How could he do that to her?"
"To who?" I ask. "Janette?"
She stops and says, "No, not Janette. Not Charlie. Not my mother. To Cora. How could he know he fathered a child and refuse to have anything to do with her? He's an awful person, Silas! How did Charlie not see that?"
She's worried about The Shrimp? The girl who assisted in holding her captive for an entire day?
"Try to take a breath," I tell her, grabbing her shoulders and forcing her to face me. "You probably never saw that side of him. He was good to you. You loved him based on the person he pretended to be. And you can't feel sorry for that girl, Charlie. She helped her mother hold you against your will."
She begins shaking her head back and forth feverishly. "They never hurt me, Silas. I made it a point to stress that in the letter. She was rude, sure, but I'm the one who broke into their house! I must have followed her there the night I didn't get in the cab. She thought we were on drugs, because I had no memory of anything, and I don't blame her! And then I forgot who I was again and I probably started to panic." She exhales sharply and pauses for a moment. When she looks up at me, she looks calmer. She folds her lips together and moistens them. "I don't think she had anything to do with what's happened to us. She's just a crazy, bitter woman who hates my father and probably wanted some sick revenge for how I treated her daughter. But they got brought into the fold by us. This whole time we've been looking at other people...trying to blame other people. But what if..." She exhales a breath, and then, "What if we did this to each other?"
I let go of her shoulders and take a step back. She sits down on the curb and holds her head in her hands. There's no way we would have done this to ourselves on purpose. "I don't think that's possible, Charlie," I say, taking a seat next to her. "How could we do this? How do two people just simultaneously stop remembering at the same time? It has to be something bigger than what we're capable of."
"If it has to be bigger than us, then it also has to be bigger than my father. And Cora. And Cora's mother. And my mom. And your parents. If we aren't capable of causing this, then no one else should be capable of it either."
I nod. "I know."
She brings her thumb up to her mouth for a second. Then, "So if this isn't happening to us because of other people...what could it be?"
I can feel the muscles in my neck tighten. I bring my hands up behind my head and look up at the sky. "Something bigger?"
"What's bigger? The universe? God? Is this the beginning of the apocalypse?" She stands up and paces back and forth in front of me. "Do you think we even believed in God? Before this happened to us?"
"I have no idea. But I've prayed more in the last few days than I probably have in my entire life." I stand up and grab her hand, pulling her in the direction of the car. "I want to know everything your father said. Let's head back and you can write down everything he told you while I drive."
She slides her fingers through mine and walks back to the car with me. When we return, Janette is leaning against the passenger door. She's glaring at both of us. "So you seriously can't remember anything? Either of you?" Her attention is focused solely on Charlie now.
I motion for her and Landon to sit in the backseat this time. I open the driver door as Charlie responds to her. "No. We can't. And I swear I'm not making this up for kicks, Janette. I don't know what kind of sister I've been to you, but I swear I wouldn't make this up."
Janette eyes Charlie for a moment and then says, "You've been a really shitty sister the last couple of years. But I guess if everything Landon just told me is true and you really can't remember anything, then that explains why not a single one of you dick faces has told me happy birthday today." She opens the door to the back seat, climbs inside, and then slams it.
"Ouch," Charlie says.
"Yeah," I agree. "You forgot your little sister's birthday? That's pretty selfish of you, Charlie."
She slaps me playfully in the chest. I grab her hand, and I swear there's a moment that passes between us. A single second where she looks at me like she can feel what she once felt for me.
But then she blinks, pulls her hand from mine, and climbs in the car.
It's not really my fault that the universe is punishing me. Us.
Silas and me.
I keep forgetting that Silas is screwed too, w
hich probably means I'm a narcissist. Great. I think about the sister in the car with me who is having a really shitty birthday. And the half-sister who lives in my old house with her psychotic mother, who, according to my journals, I've been torturing for a decade. I am a bad person, and an even worse sister.
Do I even want to get my memories back?
I stare out the window and watch as we pass all of the other stupid cars. I don't have any memories, but I can at least make sure Janette has some of this day.
"Hey, Silas," I say. "Can you put something into that fancy GPS for me?"
"Yeah," he says. "Like what?"
I don't know the girl in the back seat at all. She could be super into role-play video games for all I know. "An arcade," I say.
I see Landon and Janette perk up in the backseat. Yes! I congratulate myself. All pubescent humans like video games. It's a thing.
"Kind of a weird time to want to go play games," Silas says. "Don't you think we should--"
"I think we should play games," I interrupt. "Because it's Janette's birthday." I make my eyes really wide so he understands this isn't up for discussion. He makes an "O" face and gives me a really lame thumbs up. Charlie hates thumbs up, I can tell by her body's immediate reaction to it.
Silas finds an arcade not far from where we are. When we get there, he pulls out his wallet and digs around until he finds a credit card.
Janette makes eyes at me, like she's embarrassed, but I shrug. I barely even know this guy. What does it matter that he's spending his money on us? Besides, I don't have any money. My father lost it all and Silas's father still has some, so it's fine. Not only am I a narcissist; I'm also good at justification.
We carry our tokens in paper cups, and as soon as we're inside the arcade, Janette and Landon walk off to do their own thing. Together. I make eyes at Silas and mouth see.
"Come on," Silas says. "Let's get some pizza. Let the kids play."
He winks at me, and I try not to smile.
We find a table to wait for our pizza, and I slide into a booth, wrapping my arms around my knees. "Silas," I say. "What if this keeps happening to us? This endless loop of forgetting. What will we do?"
"I don't know," he says. "Find each other over and over. It's not that bad, right?"
I glance over at him to see if he's joking.
It isn't that bad. But the situation is. "Who wants to spend their life not knowing who they are?"
"I could spend every day getting to know you all over again, Charlie, and I don't think I'd get sick of it."
Heat climbs up my body and I quickly look away. That's my go-to with Silas: don't look at him, don't look at him, don't look at him.
"You're dumb," I say. But he's not dumb. He's a romantic and his words are powerful. Charlie isn't, I can tell. But she wants to be--I can tell that too. She desperately wants Silas to show her it's not all a lie. There's a pull inside of her every time she looks at him. It feels like a tugging, and I want to brush it away every time it happens.
I sigh and rip open a sugar packet, emptying the powder onto the table. Being a teenager is exhausting. Silas silently watches me draw patterns in the sugar until he finally grabs my hand.
"We'll figure it out," he assures me. "We're on the right track."
I dust my hands on my pants. "Okay." Even though I know we aren't on any track. We're just as lost as we were when we woke up in the hotel today.
I'm also a liar. A narcissist, a justifier, a liar.
Janette and Landon find us just as the pizza arrives. They slide into our booth, rosy cheeked and laughing. In the entire day I've known Janette, I've never even seen her come close to laughter. I hate Charlie's father more right now. For screwing up a teenage girl. Two teenage girls if I count myself. Well...three, now that I know about Cora.
I watch Janette bite into her pizza. It doesn't have to be this way. If I could just come out of this...thing...I could take care of her. Be better. For both of us.
"Charlie," she says, setting down her slice. "Will you come play with me?"
I smile. "Yeah, of course."
She beams at me and my heart suddenly feels so big and full. When I look over at Silas, he's staring at me, glassy eyed. The corner of his mouth lifts in a small smile.
It's dark when we pull into Charlie and Janette's driveway. There's an awkward moment where I should probably walk Charlie to the door, but based on the way Landon and Janette have been flirting in the back seat, I don't know how all four of us are supposed to do this at the same time.
Janette opens her door, and then Landon opens his, so Charlie and I wait in the car.
"They're exchanging numbers," she says, watching them. "How cute."
We sit in silence watching them flirt until Janette disappears inside the house.
"Our turn," Charlie says, opening her door.
I walk slowly with her up the sidewalk, hoping her mother doesn't see me here. I don't have the energy to deal with that woman tonight. I feel bad that Charlie's about to have to do just that.
She's wringing her hands together nervously. I know she's stalling because she doesn't want me to leave her alone tonight. Every single memory she has consists of me and her. "What time is it?" she asks.
I pull my phone out of my pocket to check. "It's after ten."
She nods and then glances behind her at the house. "I hope my mother is asleep," she says. And then, "Silas..."
I interrupt whatever she's about to say. "Charlie, I don't think we should split up tonight."
Her eyes meet mine again. She looks relieved. I'm the only person she knows, after all. The last thing we probably need right now is to be distracted by people we don't know. "Good. I was just about to suggest that."
I nudge my head to the door behind her. "We need to make it look like you're home, though. Go inside. Make like you're going to bed. I'll go drop Landon off at my house and then come back to get you in an hour."
She nods. "I'll meet you at the end of the road," she says. "Where do you think we should stay tonight?"
I think about that. It's probably best if we stay at my house, so we can see if there's anything we missed in my room that might help us. "I'll sneak you upstairs to my bedroom. We have a lot to go over tonight."
Charlie's eyes drop to the ground. "Upstairs?" she says curiously. She inhales a slow breath, and I can hear the air sliding through her clenched teeth. "Silas?" She lifts her eyes to mine, and they're narrowed. She has an accusatory look about her and I have no idea what I've done to provoke this look. "You wouldn't lie to me, would you?"
I tilt my head, not sure if I heard her right. "What do you mean?"
"I've been noticing things. Little things," she says.
I can feel the descent of my heart. What did I say? "Charlie...I'm not sure what you're getting at."
She takes a step back. Her hand covers her mouth for a moment, and then she points at me. "How do you know your bedroom is upstairs when you haven't even been to your house yet?"
Shit. I did say upstairs.
Shaking her head, she adds, "And you made a comment earlier at the prison. About how you've prayed a lot in the last few days, but we're both only supposed to remember today. And this morning...when I told you my name was Delilah? I could see you trying not to smile. Because you knew I was lying." Her voice begins to falter between suspicious and scared. I hold up a reassuring palm, but she backs another step closer to the house.
This is a problem. I'm not sure I know how to respond to her. I don't like knowing that she would rather run inside a house that terrified her five minutes ago than be standing near me. Why did I lie to her this morning?
"Charlie. Please don't be scared of me." I can tell it's already too late.
She darts for her front door, so I lunge forward and wrap my arms around her, pulling her against my chest. She starts to scream, so I cover her mouth with my hand. "Calm down," I say against her ear. "I won't hurt you." The last thing I need is for her not to trust me. She grab
s my arm with both hands, trying to free herself from my grasp. "You're right. Charlie, you're right. I lied to you. But if you'll calm down for two seconds, I'll explain why."
She lifts a leg while I'm still holding on to her from behind. She presses her foot against the house and kicks as hard as she can, sending both of us tumbling backward. I lose my grip on her and she begins to crawl away from me, but I'm able to grab her again and push her onto her back. She's looking up at me wide-eyed, but she isn't screaming this time. My hands are pressing her arms against the ground.
"Stop it," I tell her.
"Why did you lie?" she cries. "Why are you pretending this happened to you too?" She struggles some more, so I tighten my hold.
"I'm not pretending, Charlie! I've been forgetting, just like you have. But it didn't happen to me today. I don't know why. But I can only remember the last two days, that's it. I swear." I look her in the eyes and she holds my stare. She's still mildly struggling, but I can tell she also wants to hear my explanation. "I didn't want you to be afraid of me this morning, so I pretended it happened again. But I swear, up until this morning, it's been happening to both of us."
She stops struggling and just lets her head fall to the side. She closes her eyes, completely exhausted. Emotionally and physically. "Why is this happening," she whispers in defeat.
"I don't know, Charlie," I say, releasing one of her arms. "I don't know." I brush her hair out of her face. "I'm about to let go of you. I'm going to stand up and get in my car. After I drop Landon off, I'll come back for you, okay?"
She nods her head but doesn't open her eyes. I release her other arm and slowly stand up. When I'm no longer pinning her to the ground, she quickly sits up and scoots away from me before standing up.
"I was lying to protect you. Not to hurt you. You believe me, right?"
She rubs the spots on her arms where I was holding her down. She produces a meek, "Yeah." And then, after clearing her throat, "Be back in an hour. And don't lie to me ever again."
I wait for her to walk back inside her house before I head back to the car.
"What the hell was that all about?" Landon asks.
"Nothing," I reply, staring out the window as we pass her house. "Just telling her goodnight." I reach into the back seat to grab all of our things. "I'm going back to Jamais Jamais for my Land Rover."
Never Never: Part Three Page 4
