by Helena Halme
* * *
My darling Kaisa,
It’s been raining here non-stop, and I had a terrible journey up. The flight was delayed, and when I eventually got to Glasgow I had to wait two hours for a train to Helensburgh. Of course it was pissing down, and there were no taxis, so I had to phone the base for a lift. (Lucky I had coins in my pocket for the phone!) The provost who had to pick me up wasn’t well pleased.
I hope Jeff is looking after you. I hear he’s going away again at the end of the month, so I hope you’ll be in touch with Sally. She’d love to see you.
* * *
Kaisa thought back to Sally, the older woman who had been their neighbour in Devonshire Road, and who’d helped her before their first registry office wedding in Portsmouth. When Peter had found out he couldn’t get legally married in Finland without a Certificate of No Impediment, which took six weeks to organise, they had to arrange a hasty wedding in Southsea while Peter was on weekend leave from his post outside Naples. When they went on to have the ceremony in Finland, Kaisa was fortunate that her Finnish guests didn’t notice the lack of a full service at the cathedral in Tampere. Even her own mother hadn’t been aware of the earlier marriage in England. Kaisa remembered how wonderful Sally had been to her, and decided she would visit her very soon. She continued reading Peter’s letter.
* * *
I miss you more than I can say, and wish you were here with me in my bunk now. The things I’d do to you … don’t be mad, but you may notice that a pair of your lacy knickers are missing. Your scent is driving me crazy.
All my love,
Peter x
* * *
Kaisa blushed at the thought of her dirty underwear being found by the steward in Peter’s bunk, but that last sentence had made her go all tingly, and she sat down immediately to pen a reply. The 14 days he’d been away felt like months. Kaisa wasn’t sure she’d cope without him for the next (how many, she didn’t know) weeks. But she was lucky in that Jeff was at home for now. His new girlfriend worked in London and wasn’t around much during the week, so Kaisa took on the role of being Jeff’s best mate, drinking pints of beer with him instead of ladylike halves, and paying for her own drinks. Jeff was very good to her and Kaisa felt as if, for the first time in her life, she had a brother. Unlike the soft-spoken Duncan. He was in Portsmouth on some kind of course, and like all of Peter’s friends had taken it upon himself to look after Kaisa while her husband was away. It was nice, but it frightened Kaisa, because she didn’t trust herself fully with Duncan. She’d thought about it a lot. After their burgers at the Still and West, they’d all gone into Jeff’s parents’ pub for a final drink of the day. Jeff’s dad had told them all that Justin and Mary were rumoured to have an open relationship. Kaisa was shocked; they had looked so happy.
‘Poor Mary, she’s only been married to him just over a year, and she’s pregnant!’ Jeff’s sister Maggie said, and his mother shook her head.
Kaisa didn’t say anything but wondered if that was one solution for a Navy marriage? Still, the rumours about Justin and Mary were just that, talk in a pub, so couldn’t be relied upon. But she had to admit Duncan was really charming. Kaisa knew she’d begun to like him as soon she saw he was so openly attracted to her, which was very flattering. She thought, ‘Why do women still only “love” the men who “love” us first?’ Kaisa liked to think Peter was different, but she kept wondering – if he’d not been all over her when they first met in Helsinki, would Kaisa still find herself here in a foreign country as Peter’s wife? She brushed these stupid thoughts away. Peter and Kaisa belonged together; they’d fallen in love at first sight at the British Embassy cocktail party in Helsinki, and they would always be together.
* * *
Two days later Kaisa had a letter from her mother with some strange news: she was going to leave Stockholm and move back to Helsinki. She’d had enough of the Swedes and on a recent trip back to Finland she’d been offered her old job back at Neste Oil.
‘Your sister is going to come with me – she’s been offered a job in the Intercontinental Hotel in Helsinki,’ her mother wrote.
Kaisa couldn’t quite believe this, because when her mother had moved away, just after she herself had started studying at Hanken, she couldn’t wait to leave Finland. Ever since, she’d rarely had anything good to say about her native country, but Kaisa guessed she’d begun to miss home after a few years away. She wondered if the same would happen to her after a while in England.
Later that night Kaisa decided to watch the video of her June wedding in Finland, for the umpteenth time. Of course, it made her miss Peter, her sister and mother, and everybody at home.
* * *
On the first Sunday in August, when Peter had been away for 15 days, Kaisa felt her longing for Peter had entered new territory. Perhaps it was because there was no post since that first letter, but it felt as if part of her had been ripped out. If only she could talk to him just once and tell him about how well she was doing at IDS, about Jeff and his new girlfriend Billy (Catherine never came back. When Kaisa asked Jeff about her, he just shrugged his shoulders and changed the subject).
Kaisa decided to go for a jog mid-morning, running around the Common and fairground into Old Portsmouth. The weather in Pompey at the beginning of August was glorious, and the seafront was full of sunbathers and couples holding hands. Families with small children had taken over the grassy field at Southsea Common. At the seafront, Kaisa climbed on top of Southsea Castle, with the old battlements overlooking the harbour and the Dolphin submarine base across the water in Gosport. The sun glittered on the sea, and the waterfront was busy with small sailing boats. A large car ferry returning from France tooted its horn to warn the sailors. When the large vessel had passed, Kaisa could make out a few officers having drinks on the Wardroom balcony of HMS Dolphin. She thought about the first Ladies’ Night with Peter there, more than a year ago now, when she had found out that her nationality was a problem for the Navy. She was from a ‘country friendly with the Soviet Union’ they’d said, a fact that would prevent Peter marrying her. But here she was, out of breath, but feeling strong and healthy, living in Portsmouth and married to Peter. How her life had changed in such a short time.
And she had a job, even if it was temporary. When she spoke to the other girls in the vast staff cafe at the IDS headquarters, she realised that, with her Master’s degree in economics, she was more qualified than the others. Still, she was on a contract via an agency, and not one of the permanently employed staff. Most of the permanent girls had a Bachelor’s degree from an English or Scottish university, or just A-levels, which Kaisa knew were equivalent to her baccalaureate exam from Finland.
‘This is only a stepping stone,’ she told herself.
But thinking back to what Jackie had said at the party in London that time made Kaisa realise how little people around her understood, or rather valued, her Finnish degree. Oh well, Kaisa had a job, which she was being paid for, permanent or not.
That evening Kaisa wrote Peter another long letter. She exaggerated, just a little, the importance of her position at IDS. She wanted him to feel proud of her.
Another day passed without a letter. When Kaisa got home from work, she scanned the pile of post on her doormat, but it was mostly bills and advertising leaflets. She sighed. Kaisa had no idea where Peter was. She remembered that he’d said they might sail soon after he got back to Scotland. At least, now he’d been home for his weekend leave, the time away was shorter.
‘I’ll be home before you know it,’ Peter had said when he’d left.
The next day at work, Kaisa got a phone call from Bayleys; IDS wanted her for another two weeks. Working with figures at IDS gave Kaisa a kind of satisfaction, but she wanted to go so much further. She’d found out there were jobs at IDS that she could apply for, and she now felt certain her career belonged there. But she’d made the stupid mistake of telling Kerry, her manager, that she’d seen an ad in the Portsmouth News for ‘Cred
it Controllers for IDS’. Kerry had just shrugged her shoulders and hadn’t even commented on Kaisa’s remark. Kaisa and her stupid pride. The same pride had made her tell Ann, a permanent member of staff, in the canteen that morning that she hoped to get a better job soon, because of her Master’s degree.
‘You’re still a temp,’ Ann had replied. She was the only girl in the department who’d been hostile to Kaisa from the first moment that they’d met. Kaisa didn’t know why, but Ann obviously couldn’t stand her and now the feeling was mutual. She talked really fast and often used slang words that Kaisa didn’t understand. Ann was about the same age as her, or perhaps a little bit older, but the way she made up her hair and face aged her. She wore a cake of foundation, glossy lipstick and so much mascara that her eyelashes stuck together in black clumps. She had this Alexis from Dynasty type hair, all piled up on top of her head, with so much Elnett spray that it overpowered the senses of anyone standing next to her. And she wore really high heels, while all the other girls looked professional in their flat Princess Diana style courts. But Ann was a permanent employee, a Purchase Ledger Clerk and, in theory, could tell Kaisa what to do. Kaisa had soon realised she knew more about the job than Ann did, and started asking Kerry if there was a problem, because Ann was never able to help her.
When the manager at the agency had interviewed Kaisa, he’d promised that she could apply for something better as long as she did well in this job first. At least that’s something Kaisa had, an assurance that, even though she wasn’t English, her intelligence, qualifications and language skills would eventually get her a better job than that stupid girl had.
Apart from Ann and Kerry, all the girls in the department, including Susan who had started at the same time as Kaisa, were interested to find out why Kaisa had come to England. When she told them the story of the British Embassy party and the long-distance love affair that ensued, they all sighed, ‘Oh, how romantic!’
Telling the story made Kaisa miss Peter even more. She was concerned that she’d not heard from him, either by letter or a phone call from some port or other, but tried not to worry that something had happened to the sub.
Six
Peter had been away for 19 days, and Kaisa’s longing worsened, if that was possible, as the days stretched on and on. Especially when she was stupid enough to watch an old American film on TV. Ronald Reagan played the lead and it was so romantic it made her miserable. While sitting on the ugly sofa, watching the stupid film, she even lit a cigarette, thinking that would help, but it just made her head spin, so she gave up and slumped down in front of the TV again.
After work that day Kaisa had gone into Allders on Commercial Road and bought a beige mac, which, when she put it on at home, she didn’t like anymore. She’d wanted something to wear to a job interview on Monday. She’d finally been given a chance to make a career at IDS. On the previous day, after the other girls had gone home, Kerry had come to tell her that Richard wanted to see her in his office. Richard told Kaisa they were looking for a graduate for the Finance Section, and she may want to apply. When he’d given Kaisa the application form she’d been so glad she nearly kissed him. As she left the office, she saw Kerry looking at her. Kaisa was sure it had not been Kerry’s idea to tell her about the new post. Now she worried about what to wear. In England, she never knew if a trouser suit or a dress was best. Jeff had told her that if a woman wore a trouser suit, men would think she was a ‘lesbo’ – ‘or radical in some other way,’ he’d said and grinned. Peter told her that she looked good in anything she wore, and that was the most important thing. But Kaisa doubted that looking sexy was right; she wanted to look professional, but still stylish and slim.
If only she had more self-control – Kaisa ate far too much when alone. The suit would be too tight on her, she knew it, but what else could she wear? She had no skirts that were professional enough. But she just couldn’t resist the English white bread and jam. At home in Finland she ate rye bread, which she was certain was healthier, but she hadn’t found any in the shops here. She was sure the white bread was the reason she was putting on weight. Since Peter had gone away, Kaisa had spent nearly every night after work watching telly and eating – all unhealthy and miserable. At least when she stayed at home in the evenings, she wasn’t spending any money.
Now she wished she hadn’t agreed to have Sunday lunch with Jeff and Billy. She knew what would happen. She’d lay about in bed, getting up far too late to get any laundry, ironing or cleaning done, and leaving just enough time to get dressed and hurry to the pub. Jeff’s parents would have a lock-in until 5pm, after which she’d loll about on the sofa reading the Sunday papers for the rest of the afternoon and then watch TV all evening. She’d feel too drunk to do any housework, and she would have spent far too much money on booze and food in the pub. But it was too late to cancel now. Besides, Jeff always made her laugh. And Billy was good fun, too, if she was in a good mood. Perhaps Billy would be able to tell her what to wear to her interview on Monday.
Because she’d promised, Kaisa did go to the pub. As well as Jeff and Billy there was another Navy couple there called Maureen and Matthew. He’d been to Dartmouth at the same time as Peter (and Jeff and Duncan), and Maureen and Billy were old friends. Kaisa wondered briefly if Jeff had met Billy through Maureen, but didn’t have the chance to ask, because after they’d had their first drink, the door opened and Duncan walked in, with a wide grin on his face. ‘I knew I’d find you lot here.’ He planted a kiss next to Kaisa’s mouth, and squeezed her tightly. Kaisa avoided sitting next to him, and moved right to the end of the table next to Billy. She excused herself after the first drink, ‘I’ve got an interview tomorrow,’ she said and fled before Duncan came close to her and planted another kiss. But later, after she’d eaten cheese on toast instead of the lunch she’d planned to have at the pub, the intercom sounded and she heard Duncan’s voice.
‘Kaisa, I’m really sorry, but I’ve got a huge favour to ask you.’
Kaisa considered changing out of her saggy tracksuit and back into her jeans and fake suede boatneck top she’d worn to the pub, but decided she shouldn’t worry if she looked a mess in front of Duncan. She’d not had the time in any case, because she’d hardly put the intercom phone down when Duncan was at the door.
‘I know this is really cheeky, but could you help an old bachelor out?’
Duncan looked so helpless, and genuinely in need of her expertise in sewing, that Kaisa softened. She took his Navy jumper and promised to mend it. Duncan was so pleased he gave Kaisa a huge hug, lifting her off the floor. When he was about to let go of her, their eyes locked and for an awful moment Kaisa wondered what Duncan’s full lips would taste like. But she managed to take control of herself in time and moved away from temptation. ‘I should have it back to you tomorrow,’ she said. ‘Don’t worry.’
* * *
Peter had been away for 21 days when it was Kaisa’s big interview at IDS. The interview was conducted by Richard, together with Kerry and a quiet, older man called Matthew from the Personnel Department. Kaisa couldn’t be happier with how it went. She played the efficient, Nordic ice-queen. The macho-female. Afterwards, Kaisa felt as if this Nordic queen had betrayed Peter. When Richard asked if Peter’s career would affect her ability to stay on in Portsmouth, she’d said, ‘Absolutely not. I will live where my work is.’
‘Really?’ Richard said, crossing his legs and revealing a hairy calf above his stripy socks. ‘We’ve had a lot of Navy wives working here at IDS, and the majority of them follow their husbands.’
‘I’m not the majority,’ Kaisa said and returned Richard’s stern look.
‘So if, as I understand, this is a distinct possibility, Peter – your husband’s name is Peter, isn’t it?’
‘Yes.’
‘… let’s say Peter gets posted to Scotland. That’s quite possible, isn’t it?’
Kaisa nodded, keeping her expression neutral. She didn’t dare to say anything in case she betrayed her feelin
gs for Peter.
‘And you would stay in Portsmouth and not move with him?’
‘Yes,’ Kaisa said firmly. She didn’t want to tell Richard that Peter had already been posted to Scotland – somehow she felt that would make her chances of getting the job smaller.
There was a short silence while Richard looked down at his papers.
‘I believe you are living in a married quarter?’
‘Yes,’ Kaisa said again. This she managed a bit more firmly now. She also moved her upper body slightly forward to show how keen she was. She was glad the suit she wore was black and didn’t show the large sweat patches in the armpits of her blouse.
‘Are you able to stay in a married quarter if your husband is posted to another location?’
Kaisa stared at Richard and then looked at Kerry. This was a question she hadn’t thought of. When they’d discussed Peter’s latest posting to HMS Tempest and decided it would be best for Kaisa to stay put in Pompey for now, she’d assumed she could stay there forever. Now she made a snap decision and said, ‘Yes, I can stay here.’
‘And you’d be happy if you saw your husband, say, once in three months or so?’
‘Absolutely. I know I moved to England to marry him, but work and a career are more important to me.’
Kaisa watched as Richard and Kerry exchanged glances with Matthew.
Richard smiled and got up. ‘OK, thank you very much, Kaisa, we’ll let you know after we’ve interviewed a few more candidates.’
Kaisa closed the glass door to Richard’s office, and walked back to her desk. She wondered if it was because Peter was away, that she could lie so effectively. At the end she almost believed it herself – her career was of utmost importance, more important than her marriage, or her husband.
