by Helena Halme
In the morning, Jeff’s mum served them all cooked breakfast in the upstairs dining room where Peter and Kaisa had held their first wedding reception. It seemed like such a long time ago, even though it was actually less than six months. Kaisa wondered if Susan and Jeff would also marry in Portsmouth. They hadn’t set a date yet, but they were all smiles and couldn’t take their eyes off each other. Watching them, Kaisa felt bad for resenting Jeff’s bride-to-be, so she hugged them both warmly when Peter and Kaisa left for the long drive back up to Scotland.
Seventeen
By mid-October the rain seemed constant in Helensburgh, but Kaisa was looking forward to seeing her sister Sirkka. She was finally coming to see Kaisa in her new life as Peter’s wife. Sirkka had already left Helsinki and was at that moment crossing the North Sea. If everything went well, she’d be arriving at Helensburgh station at 9.30pm the following day, and she’d stay for nearly two weeks. Kaisa couldn’t wait to see her sister, and was planning a trip to Glasgow and a dinner party with some of Peter’s bachelor friends. Peter laughed when he heard Kaisa’s plan; he didn’t think Sirkka was the marrying kind. ‘Who said anything about marriage?’ Kaisa replied and that shut Peter up.
Sirkka arrived smiling at the train station in Helensburgh. It was a dark, cold night, but Kaisa saw her sister straight away as she stepped off the train. She’d had her hair highlighted very blonde, and had lost some weight. She looked very stylish in her tight blue jeans and yellow jumper, with wooden, dangly earrings. Kaisa thought she’d want to go home and sleep – her mammoth journey included a ferry from Helsinki to Stockholm, a train to Gothenburg, followed by a ferry across the North Sea to Newcastle, and another long train journey with two changes in Edinburgh and Glasgow, to Helensburgh. But as soon as they’d put her suitcase in the back of the car, Sirkka asked if they were going to the pub. Peter was very puzzled, Kaisa could see that, but he drove to The Commodore, which was on the waterfront and on the way home to Smuggler’s Way. They arrived just before closing time and quickly ordered a pint each. Sirkka wanted cider, even though Peter tried to explain that cider was drunk more in England and wouldn’t be very good in Scotland.
The pub was full of Navy people and locals – it was a Friday night – and they all stared at Kaisa and Sirkka when they spoke Finnish. A bunch of sailors from Peter’s old submarine, HMS Tempest sat in the opposite corner. Peter nodded to them and raised his glass in a greeting, but after that tried to ignore their obvious comments about Kaisa and Sirkka. Kaisa, too, smiled at the few faces she recognised from the visit to Liverpool and Morecambe. Because it was so late on a Friday evening, everyone was very drunk, and a young sailor suddenly came over to their table and introduced himself.
‘Dear Mrs Williams, Able Seaman Rick Stannard at your service.’ The boy saluted Kaisa and turned to Sirkka, but lost his balance and spilled some of the pint he was carrying over Peter’s trousers. ‘That’s enough, Stannard,’ Peter said and got up. The rest of the sailors who’d been sniggering in the corner of the pub grew silent and Stannard, visibly shocked by his own drunken actions, walked backwards and, bowing his head, said, ‘Sorry, Sir, sorry.’
‘C’mon, let’s go home,’ Peter said.
Sirkka looked at her half-full pint of cider and raised her eyebrows at Kaisa. ‘Can we just finish our drinks first?’ she said to no one in particular.
Peter turned his head sharply in Sirkka’s direction, looked at her half-full glass and said, ‘Of course, apologies.’ He then drowned the last drops of his own pint of beer and got up. ‘Excuse me, ladies.’
‘What’s up with him?’ Sirkka asked Kaisa in Finnish.
The group of sailors in the corner had been talking in low voices among themselves, but hearing Kaisa and Sirkka speak Finnish again, their attention turned to the two women once more. Kaisa felt sorry for Stannard, and smiled at him. She soon regretted her kindness, as her reaction produced an immediate wave of laughter and whoops from the other men. To make matters worse, before Kaisa could stop her, Sirkka lifted her glass towards the group, creating even more commotion in the pub. Now all the other customers were looking at Sirkka and Kaisa, and Kaisa could feel her cheeks reddening. She was glad when Peter reappeared and the sailors in the pub grew silent once more.
‘C’mon Sirkka, drink up,’ Kaisa said and gulped down her own beer. I’ve got some food for us at home, I bet you haven’t eaten much all day?’
Later in bed Kaisa told Peter she was sorry about the commotion in the pub. ‘That’s alright.’ Peter said, ‘Don’t worry about it.’
Next day, when Sirkka and Kaisa went into Helensburgh (Peter was on duty), people seemed to know who they were. The lady in the butcher’s shop, which Kaisa had been to only once before, asked how long her ‘friend from Finland’ would be staying.
‘This is my sister, Sirkka,’ Kaisa said and Sirkka smiled broadly and began asking about different cuts of meat. Sirkka wanted to make Sailor’s Stew, a traditional Finnish dish that required very thinly cut steaks. Even though Sirkka’s English wasn’t as good as Kaisa’s, she seemed to be able to communicate with the shop lady much better than Kaisa. The two laughed together at the lack of correct words, and when Sirkka had chosen the meat, the lady gave her a discount on the final sum. That was so unlike any Scot Kaisa had yet met, and she was happy that her sister was with her.
In the evenings, after a dinner that Sirkka usually cooked and Peter praised to high heaven, the two sisters would sit on the sofa and empty a bottle of wine. They talked about everything, about their childhood, their mother and father, about Sirkka’s move to Helsinki, about Kaisa’s career and the magazine job, and the lack of any work for her in Scotland.
‘I’m sure you’ll get something soon, just don’t give up,’ Sirkka advised her younger sister, and Kaisa’s eyes filled with tears. How she had missed her sister, and her friend. Sometimes Kaisa looked over at Peter, who, having to work early the next morning, didn’t join them, but sat alone at the table reading a paper or went to bed early. She knew he wouldn’t have been able to understand them in any case, but couldn’t help wonder if he minded that Kaisa was so occupied by Sirkka’s extended stay with them.
On Sunday evening, when Sirkka had been with Kaisa and Peter for over a week, Peter came down in his dressing gown and asked the sisters to be quiet.
‘Unlike you, I’ve got to go to work tomorrow!’ he said, when Kaisa giggled and said she was sorry. It was past 1am, and they’d opened a second bottle of wine. Kaisa knew she was quite drunk, but Peter’s words hurt her.
‘Well, I am so sorry that I am talking to my sister who I haven’t seen for months! And I’m sorry I’m not going to work tomorrow, because I don’t have a job. Thank you for pointing that out to me!’ Kaisa got up and ran to the bathroom and began crying. Sirkka ran after her, and Kaisa could hear that she said something to Peter and that the two of them began shouting at each other outside the bathroom door. Kaisa looked at herself in the mirror. Her make-up had run and she looked like a drunken old woman. Is this what her life had come to?
When Kaisa came out of the bathroom, Peter had gone to bed and Sirkka was sitting on the sofa, sipping wine.
‘Are you alright?’ she asked Kaisa. ‘He is such a brute, Peter. I had no idea …’ Sirkka started, but Kaisa shook her head and Sirkka had the good sense to be quiet. She should never have got into the middle of it.
‘Are you happy? I worry about you.’ Sirkka said and that started Kaisa off again. She put her head on her sister’s shoulder and had a cry. But she didn’t have many tears left. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose on a tissue Sirkka handed her. Looking into her sister’s dark-green eyes, she said, ‘I’m fine. It’s just not having a job, you know, that gets me down.’
Sirkka was quiet for a moment and then looked down at her hands, ‘You know if you and Peter aren’t suited to each other after all, there’s no shame in admitting it. You could always come and live with me in Helsinki …’
Kaisa was shocked tha
t her sister would think her marriage a failure, and looked up at her sister’s grave face, ‘No, we love each other!’ she said. Kaisa moved away from her sister and straightened her back, ‘You’ve got it completely wrong.’
‘Kaisa, please. I’ve heard you row in the evenings.’ Sirkka put her hand on Kaisa’s shoulder, but she shook it off, leaned back on the sofa and closed her eyes. ‘I’m going to bed,’ she said and walked slowly up the stairs. It was true, Sirkka’s presence had made things worse between her and Peter. In bed the night before (where they usually rowed, then made up with sex), Peter said he had thought Sirkka would cheer her up, and Kaisa told him she did. Peter had not replied, but had turned over and gone to sleep. That night they didn’t make love and Kaisa wondered if Sirkka was the problem after all. Talking to her sister had made Kaisa realise how dependent she was on Peter and it made her furious. She began to blame her joblessness on Peter, and in a way it was his fault she was now in Scotland, where it seemed job prospects were even worse than in Portsmouth. She hadn’t heard a peep out of the friendly agency lady and she hadn’t dared to phone her again after the first time, when she was unexpectedly dismissive.
There also seemed to be a power struggle between Sirkka and Peter. They both wanted to decide what to eat, where to go, even what kind of wine they should buy in the off-licence. Sirkka annoyed Peter, Kaisa could see that, whereas Sirkka just didn’t take into account what Peter thought at all. Kaisa felt it was really about money with Peter; she knew having Sirkka over for such a long time cost them a lot more in food and drink. And with Kaisa not working, money was tight. What’s more, Peter kept insisting on buying the rounds in The Commodore, which had become their habitual drinking place. But in bed at night, they didn’t discuss any of this, they just argued about how Peter had not wanted to stay for another pint in the pub, or how Kaisa had insisted on buying expensive strawberries in the supermarket when Sirkka wanted them for a complicated dessert recipe. As usual, the thing that was really wrong was never talked about.
Eighteen
Towards the end of her visit, Sirkka told Kaisa she was deeply in love with the man in Lapland, the boyfriend she’d been seeing on and off for the past year. They were sitting having breakfast after Peter had gone off to work, watching the weak winter sun glitter on the surface of the Gareloch. It was a cold day, but unusually clear, and they could make out the line of trees on the other side of the loch. Kaisa replied that she was so glad her sister had found someone, but Sirkka looked back at her sadly and said, ‘He doesn’t love me, though.’
Kaisa suddenly felt very sorry for her sister, and felt guilty that in the last few days, Sirkka had begun to annoy her. After the incident with Peter, the relationship between her husband and her sister had been strained, and Sirkka kept asking Kaisa if she was happy in her marriage.
‘Peter is very controlling, you know,’ Sirkka had said to Kaisa, and she could only agree. But when she thought back to her life in Finland, she remembered that her former fiancé, Matti, had been much more controlling than Peter. Kaisa knew Peter only wanted Kaisa to be happy and to learn how to cope with life in England – and now in Scotland. Besides, Kaisa had married this man and she loved him. On the other hand, Peter had told Kaisa that he could always hear Sirkka in the house because she slammed the doors so loudly that the whole place shook. Kaisa had said that she didn’t think her sister appreciated the effort she and Peter were putting into making her comfortable, taking her to pubs and even organising a dinner party for her (which was disastrous; Sirkka refused to speak to anyone and just sat at the table drinking her wine). She felt like a traitor talking to Peter about Sirkka like that, but Peter was her husband. Why, wondered Kaisa, could they not all get along?
Sirkka made both Kaisa and Peter feel as if they were always doing something wrong. Even when Kaisa had finally got a job interview in a clothes shop in Helensburgh, and the manager had told Kaisa she was probably too well educated for the job and would leave as soon as she got a better offer, which was a risk the shop just couldn’t take, she saw in Sirkka’s eyes that her sister felt she should have acted differently to get the job. It was on the tip of Kaisa’s tongue to ask her sister what she should have said but Kaisa didn’t think she could confide in her sister anymore, and had decided not to mention her worries.
But now, when she heard about this man in Lapland, Kaisa’s heart melted. ‘Oh, sis,’ she said and hugged Sirkka. Perhaps it was this failed love affair that was making her sister miserable and judgemental about her and Peter’s life?
* * *
When Sirkka left with all her bags and a full-to-bursting suitcase, Kaisa cried all evening. But after five full days, when her sister hadn’t phoned to let her know she’d got home safely, Kaisa began first to worry and then feel annoyed. They’d spent a whole two weeks together, talking and laughing and trying to make sense of life. Even so, Kaisa wasn’t sure Sirkka could understand her situation and her new life, and at times the concern she saw in her sister’s eyes was unbearable. But now Sirkka couldn’t even be bothered to phone and thank Kaisa and Peter for their hospitality. The annoyance with her sister turned into anger and one night Kaisa had a dream in which she hit her sister, only to regret it when she saw the red slap mark on Sirkka’s face. Kaisa couldn’t understand what had happened to her. She couldn’t live with her husband without constant arguments, and now she couldn’t get on with her sister either. It was almost funny how she spent most of her time trying to convince others that she was OK and not depressed. Still, within herself, she didn’t have much hope for the future. Yet, on the other hand, she had a vision of herself one day being really BIG at something. But that was immediately followed by a huge wave of despair, ready to engulf her any minute. Why couldn’t Sirkka help? Perhaps Kaisa didn’t let her. By now Kaisa was afraid of the wave; she felt close to sinking into it.
Nineteen
Kaisa wondered if there was any hope. She’d stood still for so long that she couldn’t remember when she last did something useful.
Each morning she got up exhausted after a bad night, but full of willpower, trying to believe there was some good in people, and when she saw there wasn’t, her mood changed suddenly, and she started crying and shouting at poor Peter, believing everything was his fault. Or his country’s fault.
Perhaps Kaisa simply hadn’t settled in Scotland yet. Everything seemed wrong to her, and she couldn’t accept the way things were. The coffee was awful, watery and tasteless. The sickly tea everyone offered instead was even worse. The obsession with the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ when most of the time people saying those words didn’t even mean them made Kaisa angry. The false smiles and the Scottish rain. The rain! Would it ever stop raining? At least in Finland at this time of year, there was beautiful white snow on the ground.
Reading Doris Lessing, Kaisa kept thinking she should be brave and never accept things as they are, but try to change the world. But how could she make an impact when no one gave her a job or a chance to do something? And what about children? Was having children a way out? A way of making an impact on the world? Perhaps being a mother would be the only thing Kaisa would accomplish in life, like most of the other Navy wives she’d met.
But the very next day there was good news at last. The agency in Glasgow got in touch about a job with a magazine called Anglo-Nordic News. It was a new glossy publication for businesses with connections to Nordic countries, but the job was selling advertising, some of which she would have to do from home. It seemed Kaisa was not deemed to be good at anything else. But, she thought, this would be a start, another stepping stone. The woman at the agency had been very impressed by the job offer from Sonia magazine in London, which is why she thought Kaisa would be perfect for this job. The Anglo-Nordic News had only just been set up, but this time next year the magazine could be a well-known publication and Kaisa could be an important lady in publishing. There was hope, after all.
But when Kaisa told Peter about the possible job
, and about the salary, which was commission-based, he said, ‘And what happens if you don’t sell any advertising?’
Peter had just come home from work and, because Kaisa had only got the phone call about an hour before, she’d entirely forgotten about dinner. Peter had not even had time to take off his coat, which was dripping from the horizontal rain falling outside, when Kaisa told him about the job.
‘Well done, darling,’ Peter said absentmindedly, and added, ‘I’m starving.’
There was another row, during which Peter made them some cheese on toast with beans. They sat down at the kitchen table opposite each other, still arguing.
‘It’s alright for you and your brilliant career. When it comes to my career, you don’t care,’ Kaisa said and glanced at her hot plateful of food. Peter was now taking large forkful after large forkful of beans in quick succession and ladling them into his mouth. Kaisa wasn’t at all hungry, and suddenly she had an unreal sense that this wasn’t her, arguing with her Navy husband (Peter was still wearing his uniform shirt and jumper) about who said what when, and what they meant or didn’t mean by a comment. She felt dizzy, and rested her head in her hand.
Peter looked up at her, ‘Are you OK?’
Kaisa didn’t say anything, she was too angry to speak normally to Peter. But she was light-headed, and sick with it. She rushed out of the room and ran into the small cloakroom off the hall. It was freezing cold in there, because it was next to an outside wall and had no heating. Shivering over the loo, Kaisa threw up. Peter knocked on the door, ‘Darling, I’m sorry!’ Kaisa washed her face and let Peter take her upstairs to bed. He tucked her in and kissed her forehead, ‘I love you very much, Kaisa. I hate arguing with you.’
