I stared at her in shock. With a light shake of my head, every molecule in my body seemed to vibrate. “I—”
“No.” She shook her head right back at me. “We have nothing more to say to each other. You know where I stand. Xander was a hero. Xander was the best man to walk the face of this planet as far as we are both concerned. And Xander died because he couldn’t live with the thought of being here on this earth without you. Got it? So you owe it to him to live your life and be happy. To not make his sacrifice a vain one. He died an astronaut. What he always wanted to be. He’s a hero, and his heroism will make him immortal. What more can we ask for? What more can you ask from him? To demand more would be selfish.”
I was speechless. The words and all sense had been knocked out of me as each truth from her mouth landed like a blow.
With jerky movements, she snatched up the letter and refolded it, slipping it carefully back into its plastic pouch. I stared at her in disbelief, taking in her angry gestures. What could I say to that? Had I been denying Xander’s heroism because I couldn’t accept the sacrifice he’d made for me? And what the hell right had I had to do that?
If she could accept it, then I sure as hell had to, didn’t I?
I rubbed my forehead. How was it possible that this had never occurred to me before? Perhaps because I’d been too pigheaded, too caught up in my obsession to blame myself and treat myself more cruelly than I’d ever treat my own worst enemy.
Perhaps because I already was my own worst enemy.
With her task finished and her precious letter tucked back into her purse, her eyes flicked up to mine again, still smoldering with anger. “Now, are you going to explain to me what all that was when the lights went out? You have PTSD. And Gray was able to talk you down from it really quickly. Are you getting help?”
I ran a hand through my hair and looked up at the ceiling. Oh, how I didn’t want to be here, but how could I walk out on her? There was no denying my issues, though I’d made a good show of it when Gray had showed up at my door that first day and thrown that in my face.
I could make up all the rules I wanted for Gray, but I couldn’t push back on Karen.
“I had been making a lot of progress, mostly thanks to Gray. But I was obviously deceiving myself about how well I’d been coming along.”
She nodded. “And, obviously, Gray is the woman you were talking about the other night. The one you’re in love with?”
My tongue darted out to wet my lip, and I laced my fingers together to study them in my lap, because for this at least, I couldn’t look at her. I’d tried to tell Gray how I felt but she’d stopped me. When I found her to talk to her again, I wasn’t sure what words I could possibly use.
I just knew I had to find her.
I nodded in answer to Karen’s question.
She let out a long breath. “You dumbass, Ty. I can’t believe you were going to do this to yourself.”
“Before you say anything, I had to break it off with her, okay? And it had nothing to do with my offer to you. Her father was going to pull the plug on the entire program if I didn’t. So he—”
Her sharp gesture cut me off. “Oh my God. Do not give me that bullshit. The old Ryan Tyler that I’ve known since we were eighteen years old would never have let an old fart like Conrad Barrett stop him from going after what he wanted.”
She paused for a breath and looked me in the eyes like she could see right through me. “And I saw the way you looked at her. I saw. I never in a million years thought I’d ever see you look at any woman that way. I honestly didn’t think you had it in you. But goddamn, you love her. You love her like she was your next breath. That was pretty damn clear.”
She might as well have taken a two-by-four and slammed me across the face with it. I sat back, stunned, exposed. My shoulders slumped, defeated. She was right. God, she was right. What had I done? What had I given up?
All in the name of satisfying Barrett, keeping the money flowing. Desperate to hang on to a goal that wasn’t truly mine, to a promise I’d made under duress to Xander, who’d never known what it would cost me to keep.
The fight seeped out of me. I’d let Gray get away…not once, not twice, but tonight for the third time. I was pretty certain that meant I’d lost her forever.
She’d be a fool to come back a fourth time after all I’d put her through.
“Don’t be an idiot, Ty. And for God’s sake don’t spend the rest of your life punishing yourself because of Xander’s sacrifice. If the roles were reversed, you’d never ever expect the same of him.”
“Because he had everything to live for.”
She leaned forward as if wanting to get in my face but stopped short. “And so do you. Be happy. Go get Gray and tell her how you feel, and don’t break her heart again. Tell that man to go fuck himself because you love his daughter and you’re going to take care of her and let her live her life on her terms. And there’ll be no more talk of you and me, okay? You can still be in AJ’s life and my life. You’re family. And you can damn well stop avoiding us because of your own guilt, because there won’t be any more guilt. Xander wouldn’t want it. You read that in his letter. His own words.”
I lightly shook my head and stared at my clamped hands, completely lost for what to say. But I did what I should have done months ago. I sat and listened.
“I knew and he knew—just like all of you know when you strap yourselves in on that rocket—that you take your lives in your hands. It’s what you trained for, for years. His job was dangerous. Just like the crew of Columbia. Just like the seven of Challenger. Or the three of Apollo I. All of them knew the same thing. Stop tying your entire life to that one moment in time.” Her brow furrowed in conviction. “As long as it’s in my power, I will fight against you doing it because you are family, and I need you whole.”
I stared at her in awe, tears smearing the bottom of my vision. I allowed them to spill over onto my cheeks. “You are one amazing woman, Karen Freed,” I finally choked out, the emotion overwhelming me.
She smiled sadly, demurring with the shrug of a shoulder. “Of course, I know that already. And I deserve to find out if I can be happy again, maybe with someone else. It had been a while since I’d read Xander’s letter, and you know, agreeing to your plan would have meant I was continuing to live in the past. But I’m going to live, and I’m going to move on. And you should too.”
I shook my head. “I’ll do everything in my power to be there for AJ and for you.”
Her smile grew. “I consider that a promise. You better not flake on me, Tyler. I know where the bodies are buried. And I know how to get you where it hurts.”
I huffed out a laugh while swiping at my eyes quickly with the back of my hand, struggling to reign the emotion in along with it. “Isn’t that the truth.”
Her brows came up. “Now go, goddammit. Don’t waste another moment. Go get her.”
Inspired by her words, I was bowled over by a sudden rush of—what was it? Energy, determination. Joy? Freedom…freedom to admit how I felt. Freedom to know what I wanted. Freedom to pursue it.
“I haven’t even told her—”
“Tell her now. Tonight. Don’t waste another moment, Ty. You of all people should know that life is short. Our time is limited.”
I stood from the couch and weaved around the coffee table to get to her. With a huge grin, she followed suit and leapt at me, arms wide and tears springing from her eyes. “I’m so fucking happy for you. You can’t even know.”
I turned and kissed her hair, feeling those same tears pricking at the back of my own eyes. This time, I was able to suppress them. “I owe you so much.”
“Enough. You don’t owe me a thing. But for God’s sake, go get her or I will consider it a crime against nature and I will never forgive you. Go.”
I pulled back and turned to leave, but she grabbed my sleeve. “Hammer’s sister is watching AJ tonight, and I was going to spend the night at their place tonight anyway. So when you find her
, take her home with you. I won’t be there.”
I bent forward, kissed her on the forehead, and left.
Chapter 26
Ryan
In spite of Karen’s encouragement to go out and get Gray now, I knew I had unfinished business I needed to take care of first. Likely, business she would approve of, or at least I hoped so.
The other three astronauts were waiting for me in the dining room. They filled me in on what was going on now. Adam and Tolan had gone out front to converse with Conrad Barrett—likely in an effort to cajole him out of bolting from the entire program.
I didn’t even care what was being said out there. But I did care about my team members. This was a critical time, and we’d have to proceed carefully.
When I approached them, they clustered around me. Noah folded his arms, wearing a sober expression. “Ty, we have to talk about this…episode you just had.”
I nodded. “Yes, of course. I realize none of you are idiots, and I know you are fully aware of what that was.”
Noah turned to the other two. “Guys do you mind if we have a word alone?”
They met each other’s gazes uneasily before Noah turned back to me. I nodded my agreement and told them, “Tell Tolan that I’d like to speak to all of you in a few minutes. This shouldn’t take long.” They nodded and left.
Noah shifted on his feet and stared at the ground for a long moment before bringing his gaze up to meet mine. “Being in the dark, that’s a trigger for you?”
My face burned with shame, but I couldn’t say whether the shame came from admitting I was afraid of the dark like a toddler or that I’d strived so hard to hide it from everyone. That I’d lied to them all and put our program at risk.
“I can only beg for your forgiveness—” I began in a shaky voice, but he cut me off with an outstretched hand.
“I was there that day, too. I also still have nightmares about it. I may have been sitting on the ground in Mission Control, but that day changed all of our lives.” He gritted his teeth and shook his head. “All this time I thought you were gliding through life, just racking up all the accolades and enjoying the star treatment.”
I gave a small shrug. “Well, it does have its perks.”
He half-smiled. “Don’t blow it off with a joke, Ty. Trauma is serious shit. We’re all military men. You and I are special forces. We’ve seen this before in many different circumstances. You are no better or worse than any of them.”
“Thank you.”
“Hiding this shit from us was not cool, but I’d be a hypocrite and an asshole if I said I didn’t understand.”
I rubbed my jaw, hanging my head in shame. “I wanted it for all the wrong reasons. And I was lying to myself as much as I was lying to all of you. But I don’t have the heart for this mission anymore. So I need to ask if you’re willing and able to go up in my place.”
His brows pinched. “Of course. That’s my job. As your back up, I’m supposed to step in for you. These are special circumstances, however, with all the press, and everything.”
I met his gaze. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep this program going. I’ll run the astronaut office and help train the new recruits, get you up to speed on all your training. But…” I let out a long sigh, realizing that it was physically paining me to get all this out. “I was doing it for him. Because I’d made a promise to him in haste. And I swear to God, that if he’d asked me to saw my own arm off that day. I would have done it without hesitation.”
Noah nodded and leaned forward, placing a hand on my shoulder, but said nothing, allowing me to continue.
“And it goes against everything we are, and what we train for, and all the hideous competition we put ourselves through, but I gotta admit this. I have to take one for the team this time and admit that I’m not fit to fly. Not now.” Maybe not ever.
I bit my tongue, though, and didn’t say the last part.
Though I meant every word I was saying, my heart wasn’t in this admission. My heart had followed Gray out the door a half hour before and was frantically searching for her in every place I could imagine she might have gone.
Because damn, three times crushing someone’s heart was three times too many. I had to make things right with her before another hour went by, but I couldn’t leave Noah and the other guys hanging like this, either.
I ran my hand through my hair.
“I’m not walking away. I’m just doing the right thing. I’m stepping back and letting someone else fly the mission.”
“You’ve been working through this, though, right? With Gray? She didn’t seem that surprised when it happened.”
I hesitated, unwilling to discuss Gray with him. “I’m going to be there as much as I can to support the mission. It will go on as planned. And before you ask—I’ll be fine. So let’s go talk to the others.”
“One last thing… I owe you an apology. I thought you were just being an asshole and sleeping with her.” He shook his head. “Clearly, that isn’t the case.”
I stiffened. “It isn’t the case. I love her.”
“Then I’m sorry I was a prick to you about it. I hope things work out with her.”
I shook my head. “It’s not looking good at the moment, but I’m going to go find her as soon as we speak to Tolan and the others.”
He nodded. “Yeah. And you know we have your back.”
I clasped his shoulder in return. “And I have yours.”
I found the others outside, clustered around the entrance. Barrett had left but Adam and Tolan and my fellow astronauts were waiting for me. The next ten minutes saw me repeating most of the same things I’d said to Noah to the rest of them. Tolan listened with sober features, clearly not happy with the turn of events. But everyone could agree that my flying was not the answer.
We decided to meet the next day with Victoria to discuss how best to handle it with the public. I could not have asked for better support, especially from my astronaut colleagues who all shook my hand and told me individually that they were there for me.
Finally, finally, over an hour after she’d left the restaurant, I was out the door on a mission to track her down. But I had no idea where she’d gone.
The most obvious place, her condo, was where I went first. Her car wasn’t in her parking space, but I practically banged the door down anyway until her neighbor popped his head out and did a double take. I’d usually visited on the downlow, avoiding neighbors and wearing my usual disguise.
Now, his eyes widened. “Hey, you’re—”
“Gray—your neighbor—has she been home tonight?”
He shook his head, and when he opened his mouth to say something else, I did an about-face and bolted down the stairwell back to my car, my mind racing with the possibilities of where she might be.
Work was the next place to go, but after scanning the parking lot and not seeing her car, I texted Pari and asked if Gray had gone to her house.
Pari got back to me almost immediately but couldn’t help me. I asked one of the night time security officers, and he didn’t even need to check in the building. Gray had not gone into the building tonight.
From there on out, the search got more frantic. I checked the place at the beach where we’d often gone to walk, but her car wasn’t in the parking lot. I went by the tiny diner where we occasionally got a discrete meal during our time together. No luck there either.
Since Gray and I had conducted the majority of our relationship undercover and hidden by the false pretense of my fake relationship with Keely, we really didn’t have that many usual haunts.
I drove through her neighborhood again and saw nothing.
I was starting to lose my mind with worry.
Where could she have gone? To someone’s house I didn’t know about? Checked into a hotel somewhere? To her father’s house?
If I knew where he lived, I’d be on my way already. But I didn’t have his address and had no way of finding it out any time soon.
Sitting in he
r parking lot, I finally did the most logical thing. I texted her.
Then I called her.
Neither got me an answer, not even the little dots that said she had read the text. The call went straight to voice mail, which told me her phone was either turned off or out of power.
I ran my hands through my hair a few times, scrambling to think, then decided to regroup at my house and figure out a new tactic.
Obviously, she didn’t want to be found. And who was I to violate her wishes? Especially after all I’d done to her.
But goddamn it, I wasn’t going to let things go unsaid. The stream of thoughts running through my head constantly as I sifted through the north Orange County and Long Beach areas in order to find her.
Over an hour later, I pulled into my driveway, exhaustion gnawing at me. It was after eleven o’clock and past my normal bedtime, and the adrenaline from the incident at dinner had long since worn off and left me weary to my bones.
I was depleted, empty, and utterly bereft at the thought of going to bed and waking up not knowing where she was or what she was doing. And even more so, not having her lying beside me in bed.
I’d allowed too many of those nights to pass already.
I’d been such a fool. I thought I was doing the best thing for her when I’d let her go. I’d known I was doing the worst thing for myself.
But at that time, I firmly believed that I only deserved the worst. I’d hated myself that much.
But now, intuition, which sounded a little like Xander’s voice, was whispering to me otherwise. The words from that letter. The thought that, as Karen had said, he might have cheered me on from the other side.
I was ready now, ready for this next step in my progress. Ready to do it for myself as much as I was wanted to do it for her.
High Reward Page 27
