“Yes, you’ll be before him, naked.”
“Naked?” I nearly shriek. “He’ll see my private areas? My breasts, my vagina?”
She laughs. “Of course, he must prepare you for your vows.”
“But I have to be naked to speak my vows?”
She laughs again, a big hearty laugh. “You don’t speak, Luna. That’s part of our vows. You say nothing. You listen to instruction from Elder William, and do what he tells you.”
I swallow the spit gathering in my mouth. This is becoming more disturbing as the conversation continues. “Are you sure?”
“This is how we women have been wed since before the wall. This is how it was done when there was an outside that wasn’t filled with death and disease.”
How does she know? Has she seen it for herself? Of course not. We’re told what they want us to know. “This is the way of the bride?” I ask more to myself than her.
“Yes. These will be your vows. Elder William will inspect you, check you over to make sure you’re ready for Elder Steven. He will say some words which are sacred, so I cannot repeat them to you. He’ll lead you to the bed, lay you down, open your legs, and wait for Elder Steven to enter the room. Once Elder Steven enters, he’ll disrobe, climb on the bed and tell you his vows.”
“Are they sacred too?”
“No, those are beautiful. All of us wives hear the most beautiful words.”
“Which are?”
“He will climb between your open legs, he’ll push inside you and whisper, ‘You belong to me.’ Once those words are spoken, your heart will be his forever.”
Really? That’s it? There’s nothing nice or sweet about that. He’ll push inside me and whisper I’m his? “That’s it?” I ask.
“What do you mean?” I look over to her, to see how her gaze is far away, as if she’s remembering her time with Elder Jacob. “It’s beautiful.”
“It doesn’t sound beautiful to me. More like ownership,” I challenge, unfortunately too loud.
Sister Rachel whips her head around, her eyes filled with anger, her jaw hard with fury. “We belong to them. You should feel honored you’re wanted, not so selfish, Luna. They look after us, and we serve them.”
Truthfully, I’m not even shocked by her irritation. This is what we’ve been taught, this is how we’ve been brought up. To believe the Elders are our protectors. But I’ve seen another side to them, and they’re not what they’ve led us to believe they are.
“I’m sorry,” I apologize. I don’t want her to go and tell any of the Elders about how resistant I am. “You are my family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. Only the Elders can protect us,” I say, hearing the female voice in my head. “But, I do have a question.”
Sister Rachel’s face softens, and she smiles. “What is it?”
“Does Elder William stay in the room while the Elder says his vows?”
“Of course. He has to check.”
“Check for what?”
“Check for blood.” I tilt my head to the side, not understanding what she’s talking about. Sister Rachel giggles and runs her hand over my back in slow gentle circles. It’s the closest thing to a hug I’ve gotten from a Sister in a long time. “When he pushes inside you, you bleed.”
“Like when I menstruate?”
“Different. It hurts. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s the ultimate sacrifice a girl makes. She must bleed for her Elder.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“The Elder will push his penis inside you. And it does something to your vagina. You’ll bleed.”
“What if I don’t?”
“That’s just silly talk. Of course, you will.”
Now I’m really anxious about it, although, I hope to find myself out of here long before that happens. I don’t want Elder Steven anywhere near me, let alone, inside me. “But, what if I don’t?” I ask again.
She shrugs and smiles. “I can’t answer that. I bled,” she says proudly.
“Does Elder William leave once he sees the blood?”
“What? No, he stays to make sure the Elder finishes, and leaves you full of seed to bear his child.” Although she’s not telling me specifically what she means, just those words are enough for me to throw up in my mouth. “But, sometimes it takes many attempts to put a baby in a girl’s body.” She rubs at her stomach and smiles. “I’m with child,” she says with a huge smile.
I’m happy for her, if that’s what she wants. But I don’t want that. Not with Elder Steven. I want to see the outside world first, experience everything I can before I’m with child. I know it sounds selfish, but there’s more than what we have in here.
“And then does Elder William leave after?”
She laughs again. “Yes, he doesn’t come back in again. Well, not unless he requests you for his pleasure.”
Yuck. “Does that happen often?” Please say no.
“The Elders can request you any time they want, however it’s up to the Elder you belong to if they share you with the others. It’s a great honor to be wanted by many.”
“Have you been requested by many?” I’m thoroughly repulsed by the notion, but also absolutely intrigued. Something seems quite unhealthy about being requested and going to whichever Elder wants you for their pleasure, without having any say in it.
She tilts her head down, her cheeks pinking with embarrassment. She’s going to tell me a lot of the Elders have requested, or only some. “I’m not as wanted as some other brides.” She smiles, and I can see the smile is meant to deflect from her sadness. She wants them to want her? No thank you. I’d rather they don’t want me. “But don’t worry, I think you’re going to be wanted by all the Elders.” Her tone tells me she’s genuinely happy for me, and not jealous.
“Great.” I cringe. Exactly what I don’t want.
“It’s an honor, Luna. I’ve heard them talking, and Elder Steven is quite protective of you. He’s giving the other Elders conditions on what they’re allowed to do to you.”
“What about what I want?”
“You’re so silly.” She laughs again. Why does she find this funny? It’s a serious question. “We want what our Elder wants for us.”
No, no I don’t. I don’t want what my Elder wants. I don’t even want to be owned by an Elder. There’s nothing appealing about this to me. Nothing, not one little bit. No use in speaking the words in my head. “Of course, we do.” No, I don’t.
Sister Rachel stands, straightens her dress and smiles. “My work here is done. You’ll be taking your vows before the next full moon. I’m so happy for you, Luna. You’ll finally be one of the wives.”
I don’t reply. I have nothing nice to say.
“But, between you and me, I’ve heard Momma Edith talking to Momma Kim, and neither of them seem too happy with you.”
“Why?”
“As you know, they’re Elder Steven’s wives, and they don’t like new brides being introduced.”
“But Elder Steven has more wives than Momma Edith and Momma Kim.”
“Yes, but Elder Steven has been talking about you and only you. I think they feel left out. And when you become his bride, it means they’ll be pushed aside. I know Elder Steven often shares a bed with them together, and now there won’t be enough room for them with you there.”
A shudder rips through me, but at least I don’t have to work at making them hate me. They already do, without me doing anything. I smile and think quickly what to say, because Sister Rachel’s eyes are watching me, waiting for a reply. “I hope we can all be close.”
“This has been nice, Luna. I’m so happy you’ll be joining us soon. And I really hope, you’ll be with child the day you become Elder Steven’s.”
I’m hoping I’m out of here before the day I become Elder Steven’s. Because my fear is once I’m his, I’ll never get out alive.
“Curfew is at sunset,” Elder William announces to everyone once we’ve been summoned to the common area centered around th
e whipping post. “And it will be strictly enforced.”
I look around, and stare at everyone’s faces. Most of the girls gaze at Elder William like he’s the sun. I haven’t really noticed this before, the intent and captivating way they look at him. It’s almost like he’s speaking words filled with beauty and laced with harmony. They’re completely mesmerized by it. All I hear is lies.
“Furthermore, you may not know, but soon we’ll be having a wedding.” The girls all coo and giggle. I feel sick to my stomach because I know what Elder William is going to say. “With the next full moon, Elder Steven will be taking Luna as his bride.”
Some of the girls turn to look, scowling quite obviously toward me. I want to scream at them, you can have him, but of course, I won’t. Other girls whisper something to each other, and they giggle. I turn away, not wanting to see, or hear anything they do. I don’t want this for myself. They can take my place.
As I turn away, I catch a glimpse of Abigail, who’s standing at the back and by herself. She has tears rolling down her cheeks. She upsets me most. Not because she’s crying, but because she’s always been so desperate to have the attention of the Elders, and she’s never received it. I wish I could switch places with her, for her to have their attention, and for them to leave me alone. Although the image of her broken, still scars me and I wouldn’t want that for anybody.
“Luna, Abigail, and Ava, you’re all needed in the dining room for dinner.”
Abigail notices me looking at her, lifts her chin, then nods to Elder William. As if she has a choice. If you’re a girl, you don’t get a choice in anything. Because it’s our duty. The Elders protect us, and we serve them. Lies, lies and more lies.
I turn off to the rest of what Elder William says, it’s like he’s nothing more than noise. I can’t stand the lies any longer.
Everyone begins walking away, which tells me we can leave and the Elders have finished addressing us.
I walk over to the main kitchen, where some of my sisters are back to preparing dinner for the Elders.
Abigail pushes past me, making me stumble forward. “Seems like some of us are extremely popular with the Elders. I don’t know why.” She turns, stares at me, and lets her eyes roam over my body. “It’s not like you’re pretty or anything.”
I bite on the inside of my cheek, stopping myself from saying anything to her. If she hates me, then that means she’s not close to me. Which means, they won’t hurt her because of me.
“Leave her alone, Abigail,” Ava says as she walks in behind me.
“It’s okay,” I reply.
“No, it’s not. Abigail’s being nasty.”
“It’s alright,” I say again, as I pick up some plates and start walking them toward the dining room.
I feel it before I see it. Someone grabs my hair, and throws themselves on top of me. There’s a lot of yelling and screaming, and things being said. “It’s because of you I’ll never get picked by an Elder.” The plates going flying out of my hands as I fall forward, my face breaking my fall.
Blood spurts out of my nose, as I feel someone grab my hair again, and try to smash my face into the floor. I don’t need to guess who it is, I know. It’s Abigail. The venom in her voice is all I need to hear to know it’s her.
I try to protect my head, but she manages to hit me once across the back of my head before I feel her being pulled off me. “Enough, Abigail,” Elder Steven’s voice is unmistakable. It’s deep and incredibly controlled.
“She started it!” Abigail yells as she points toward me.
“Yes, I did,” I say, wanting to take the brunt of whatever is going to happen to Abigail. She’s been hurt enough because of me, I can’t have her broken again.
“No, Elder Steven, it wasn’t Luna, she was walking away when Abigail threw herself on her, and started hitting her,” Ava says.
No Ava, what are you doing? “I started it,” I say again, trying to silence Ava with just a look.
“No, she didn’t do anything,” Ava says again, trying to defend me. If only she knew the consequences, but of course, she doesn’t.
Ava, please, stop. “I did it,” I challenge again, and look at Ava, trying desperately to make her understand what I’m attempting to do.
“Luna, a word.” Elder Steven releases Abigail’s arm, and walks away from them, expecting me to follow. When he stops, he looks behind me to make sure we’re not within listening distance of the others. “Either you’re lying or Ava is lying. If Ava is lying, she’ll be publically whipped. If you’re lying, then you’ll be publically whipped. Choose.”
“I’m lying,” I say too quickly. I refuse to let another girl take a punishment because of me.
“Abigail started it?” It’s not a question, more a statement. I nod my head and look down to the ground. “She’ll be dealt with. Go to the whipping post.” I begin to walk away, and he says in a low voice, “I’m looking forward to this.”
A tear falls from my eye. I’m not afraid of the whipping, but I hate how Elder Steven has the power to do so. But I walk to the whipping post, and wrap my arms around it. Everyone comes to the center to watch. They all know from me wrapping my arms around the whipping post what’s about to happen.
“Luna, what happened?” Cain asks from beside me. I don’t want to look at him, I don’t want to see the worry in his eyes.
“Please, don’t watch,” I whisper to him, hopeful he’ll walk away and not have to witness what I’m about to go through.
“What happened?” he asks again.
“I lied. I said something happened that didn’t, and now I’m being punished. Please, Cain, I won’t make it through if I know you’re watching. Please, please, just leave,” I beg him to listen to me. I know girls don’t give orders, but I’m hoping this time, he listens.
“I thought we weren’t friends any more, Luna.” His words tear at my heart. More than the whip will tear at my back. “I thought you didn’t love me anymore.”
I want to tell him. Really want to open my mouth and tell him everything I know. From behind Cain, I see Elder Steven walking toward me. In his hand, is his belt. He’s holding it from the end without the buckle. He smiles at me. He really is going to enjoy this.
“I don’t,” I whisper to Cain. “I don’t love you anymore. I’ll be Elder Steven’s soon, and I won’t ever love you again.”
I want to look away from Cain, but I can’t. I see the hurt in his eyes. His heart is breaking all over again too. Mine has already been ripped into many parts, none of them working properly. The Elders have destroyed me. They’ve ruined me, and they don’t care. Elder Steven will take his sick enjoyment from me any way he can. Be it whipping, or in his bed as his bride.
Cain backs away from me. His face tells me exactly how much I’m hurting him. I hate myself for doing this.
Elder Steven sees the look on my face, and I can only imagine what he’s seeing. A girl who’s broken. A girl who’s in so much pain, because she’s forced to send the only good thing in God’s Haven away.
“Cain.” Elder Steven stops Cain from leaving.
“Yes.” Cain looks over his shoulder to me, then back to Elder Steven.
A smirk reaches Elder Steven’s mouth. The same grin I saw when he was beating me in the windowless room. The same satisfaction crossing his face. “It’s time you stepped up.”
Fear creeps into my body. Please, no, don’t ask him to do what I think you’re going to.
“What can I help with, Elder Steven?” Cain asks eagerly.
Please… no.
Silently, Elder Steven extends his hand, giving Cain the belt.
“NO!” I yell. No, please, don’t let this happen. “Please, no, not Cain. You do it, Elder Steven. I deserve this from you.” Crying, I beg Elder Steven to not do this. I can’t. I can’t deal with it. If Cain’s the one holding the belt, it’ll destroy me. “Please,” I beg.
Elder Steven doesn’t flinch as he holds his hand out further to Cain.
“Plea
se,” I whisper. Tears stream down my cheeks. My eyes are so blurry from crying, that I can barely make out Elder Steven and Cain.
“I’ll do it,” I hear from behind me. I don’t need to turn to know it’s Abigail. “She deserves everything she’s going to get.”
Elder Steven thrusts the belt in Cain’s hand and angrily walks over to Abigail. He grabs her by the upper arm, and pulls her to stand in front of me. “You can watch from here.” I don’t know why he’s doing this. Elder Steven is nasty and cruel, but this is particularly horrible. “Cain, you have a choice. Start your journey to become an Elder, or stay a man and never live up to your full potential.”
“I don’t want…” Cain looks to me, and sees me crying. “I…” He’s confused, and obviously conflicted about what to do.
“Journey to becoming an Elder, or say no to becoming an Elder in front of all your brothers, and the girls,” Elder Steven provokes Cain. I hate the power he has. He’s trying to intimidate Cain, bully him to do something he clearly doesn’t want to do.
“Please,” I beg Elder Steven. “Please don’t do this.”
Elder Steven comes to stand beside me. He leans down, and whispers, “I saw the way you were looking at him, and it sickens me to know you still have feelings for him. I’m going to be the person you belong to, not him. Not now, not ever.”
“Please,” I beg him. “Don’t make him do this.”
“I’m not making him do anything. He’s choosing.” He smiles again, more evil than ever.
“This isn’t a choice, not for Cain. Not for me. Please, whip me, hurt me, do whatever you want to me, just don’t ask Cain to do this.”
“This is what you don’t understand, Luna. I am doing whatever I want with you. And what I want, is for Cain to hurt as much as you.”
“He’s done nothing to you, please, stop.”
“He loves what belongs to me. And I don’t like that, not at all.”
“Punish me, please, please.” All I’m doing is begging, and all he’s doing is loving the sound of me pleading.
“Cain,” he says, and for a heartbeat, I hold onto hope that he’s going to take the belt from Cain’s hand. “Lift your arm back past your head, and bring it down hard.”
Luna Caged: Behind the Wall Page 12
