by Emma Lea
He followed me out of the stall and into the tack room. He wasn’t going to let this go.
“I don’t call seeing Lady Savannah running out of here in tears a good sign that you’ve moved on.”
I dropped my head and took a breath. I rubbed at the pain in my chest. It wasn’t from hearing her name. It was indigestion. Heartburn, not heartbreak.
“I don’t see as how that has any bearing on my job here.”
“No, but it might affect your good standing with the queen, if she was to find out that you’d upset one of her girls.”
“Are you threatening me?” I asked.
Cliff eyed me calmly. “Not a threat,” he said, “just a fact. Women talk.”
“Yeah, well, Savannah and I are done. There won’t be any reason for her to get upset over me anymore.”
“And Chase?”
“What about Chase?”
“You two are supposed to be working together and you can barely stand to be in the same room as one another without it coming to blows.”
“Maybe I’ve changed my mind about working with him. I don’t think Mistborn is ready.”
“That’s a load of cow manure and we both know it. Getting that horse with a nice filly is just what he needs. Might settle him down a bit, teach him some manners. Lord knows that horse needs some manners. He needs a woman to soften him up.”
I snorted. “The last thing Mistborn needs is a woman. No way do they soften a man up, if anything they give him more to get riled up about. Woman are fickle, the horse kind and the human kind. Titania is a great horse, but even she can be unreasonable. And what’s to say she won’t take one look at Mistborn and turn her nose up at him? Knowing my luck, she’ll take a liking to some other horse, probably one of Lord Freddie’s, and then the whole operation will be sunk.”
“She really did a number on you, didn’t she?”
“What? Who? Savannah? No—”
“Not Lady Savannah. Whoever it was that hurt you and made you run away from home.”
I huffed out a frustrated sigh. I didn’t want to talk about this.
“I never asked you why you accepted my invitation. I was too damn glad to have you that I didn’t care about the whys. That was my mistake. You turned up here like a wounded stallion, not unlike that horse. The two of you are well-suited. I didn’t push because I knew you weren’t ready and then that young’un started hanging around and you began to thaw. I thought you were getting over it, thought you were finding your way back. When you started seeing our Lady Savannah, I was happy for you. Oh I saw the sparks and how you two fought it and each other, but I knew it would work out. Then something happened. You got spooked, most likely, and you ran. You’re still running and you will keep on running until you deal with whatever it was you were running from in the first place.”
It was the longest speech I’d ever heard from Cliff and he had nailed me with it. I was running, had been running for the last two years. Things may have gone differently with Savannah if I’d dealt with the mess Caroline left me in. I knew I had to go home but I didn’t want to. I really, really, didn’t want to.
“You can leave first thing tomorrow,” Cliff said.
“Yeah,” I said on a frustrated sigh.
I could only imagine the homecoming I would receive. My father was already furious and he would be even more so now after me avoiding his calls and emails for the last two years. It wasn’t going to be pretty, but Cliff was right. I had to go home and decide what I wanted to do. I had been living in limbo for these past years and it was time to make some concrete decisions. I hadn’t moved on, despite my protestations that I had. All I’d done was bury my head in the sand. It was past time that I pulled myself together and faced it head on. Maybe then I could make things right with Savannah.
Still smarting from the chewing out Cliff had given me, I walked out into the stable yard to see Archer standing there, looking up at me hopefully.
“Hello Archer,” I said, stopping and crouching down so I was at his height. “What are you doing here?”
After the recent fight with Savannah, I didn’t think I would see either of them again.
“You missed our riding lesson the other day,” he said, “so I came today instead.”
I huffed out a breath. “I don’t have time—”
“Please? You promised to teach me and then you weren’t here.” His bottom lip trembled. “I really want to learn. I want to ride Mistborn one day. You promised.”
I felt like such a heel. Savannah told me to stay away from him, but she obviously hadn’t told him. How could I say no to the kid when he looked at me like that? He’d heard ‘no’ so many times in his life and here I was giving him yet another one. Savannah may kill me for it, but I could at least give him one more riding lesson before I left.
I pushed up to my full height. “Okay. Let’s go and get Penny ready.”
The boy’s face bloomed into a beautiful smile and my heart ached just a little bit. He was a good kid and he deserved so much more than a father who walked out on him before he was even born. He deserved more than being hidden away in a cabin in the woods, even if I understood why Savannah had to do it that way. If riding lessons made him happy, then it was the least I could do.
We worked side by side, getting Penny ready. I saddled Monty—the queen’s bay gelding—instead of Mistborn. I didn’t have the right frame of mind to deal with the Arabian’s antics today. Monty was a good, solid horse and he needed the exercise. The queen hadn’t been down to ride him for a few days and I could tell he needed a bit of socialising and a run.
I helped Archer mount Penny and then swung up onto Monty’s back. We walked out of the stable yard and toward the big paddock where some ground poles were set up. Some of the other kids—other palace staff offspring—liked to ride too, and Cliff had begrudgingly let them set up a small course. Archer had taken to riding like a duck to water and I was interested to see how he would do on the course.
“What’s that?” he asked, reining Penny to a stop and looking at the rails.
“I’ll show you,” I said and urged Monty into a walk. I took him over the poles, showing Archer what he had to do. I completed the course and returned to stand beside him. “Now it’s your turn.”
Archer grinned and nudged Penny into a walk. I couldn’t help the pride that swelled up in me as I watched him. The kid was fearless and determined and so much like his mother that my heart ached in my chest again. I rubbed the spot and wished things were different. I wished there could be something between Savannah and me. I wished I was the man she needed.
“Can I do it again?” Archer asked, breathlessly.
“Sure. Why don’t you do it one more time at a walk and then try a trot.”
“Come on Penny,” he said.
Monty shifted beneath me and sighed. It wasn’t much of a ride for him. I patted his neck. “I’ll take you for a long run later,” I promised.
Monty tossed his head in acknowledgement and I smiled. I would miss this place. Going home was a gamble. I didn’t know when I would be able to come back or even if I could come back. I had to deal with my father and the mess I’d left behind. There would be consequences to my actions and I would need to pay for my disobedience.
“Watch me Jed!” Archer called as he took Penny into a slow trot over the poles.
“You’re doing good,” I called to him. The kid was a natural.
Savannah
I stood from my work table and stretched. I don’t know how long I’d been sitting there, but it felt like days, weeks maybe. I was blessedly alone and I took a moment to take a deep breath and close my eyes, soaking in the silence. Not that Margaret was a chatterbox, but I needed the solitude. Having other people around me was an irritant that I didn’t have the space in my brain to deal with.
With a loud sigh, I walked across the room to the big windows and looked out. I didn’t look at the stables and I certainly wasn’t trying to find Jed among the people who moved
between buildings. I was done with him, it was just taking my heart a little time to catch up with my brain.
I dragged my eyes away from the familiar stable buildings and out over the paddocks. A riding lesson was going on and I watched as a horse and rider trotted in a large circle over what looked like low jumps. The poles were on the ground, a first-time jumper then. I watched the child and my gut clenched. I knew that rider. I knew him like I knew my own hand. Without thinking, I grabbed my coat and dashed from the room.
I ran, desperate to get to him before he fell and broke his neck. I wouldn’t survive losing Archer. I had to get to him before it was too late.
I heard Archer’s laughter as I ran toward the fence and Jed’s deep voice as he encouraged my son. It made me so incredibly angry. How dare he! How dare he put my son in danger like that! I told him no more lessons. I told him to stay away from my son and me. Was he doing this to punish me? Was he trying to hurt my son to get back at me?
Jed turned and our eyes connected. He must have seen the murder in them because he slipped from the horse’s back and grabbed for me before I could go tearing into the paddock.
“Whoa there,” he said. “What are you doing?”
“Let me go,” I said, trying to shake him free. He held his grip.
“Not until you calm down.”
“Calm down! Calm down? You expect me to calm down when my son is in danger?”
“Archer is perfectly safe but if you go in there with that temper of yours, you will spook both him and Penny. The only danger here is you.”
“How dare you! How dare you,” I cried, pounding on his chest. “I told you to stay away.”
I pushed away from him and he let me go. His warm presence and the closeness of him was playing havoc with my heart. I wanted to rest my head on his chest and have him put his arms around me but at the same time I wanted to slap him stupid for the hurt he had caused me. None of it had anything to do with Archer or the riding lesson—I knew that logically—but it just felt like another piece of control I was losing to this man. I had given up enough control and I refused to give any more.
“Archer came to me,” he said, his voice low. “I wasn’t going to send him away.”
“Like you sent me away,” I snapped before I could stop myself. He opened his mouth to reply but I held up my hand. “Forget it. Forget me. Forget us. That’s what you’re good at, right? Running away? Leaving people behind.”
“Savannah—”
“No. No, you don’t get to say my name. Not like that, not like you mean it. Not like you’re sorry. I was just a place holder, wasn’t I? Did I remind you so much of her that you thought you could lose yourself in me all the while telling yourself I was her?”
“You are nothing like her,” he said, his voice a dangerous growl.
“Maman! Maman! Watch me! Watch what I can do!”
I tore my eyes from Jed’s and watched my son as he rode over the poles with such agility that I could hardly believe it. When had he grown up? When had he become this little person who was separate from me? It seemed like only yesterday he was my baby and now he was a boy, growing up before my very eyes.
“Savannah,” Jed said again, and I swung around to glare at him.
“I told you to stay away from him,” I snarled. “I told you to stay away from both of us.”
“I need to explain—”
“I don’t want to hear it,” I hissed. “I don’t need to hear any more of your lies.”
“Lies?” His eyes flashed. “I’m not the one lying here, Savannah. You’re the one with the double life and the secrets. You’re the one who has been lying from the start.”
I stepped back in shock, his words battering me as if he had slapped me. “I’ve never lied to you,” I said.
He snorted.
“Tell me what I lied about? Come on, if you’re so sure that I have been dishonest to you, prove it.”
He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. None of it matters anymore.”
“Did it ever matter?” I asked, voicing the words that had been circling my heart and my head.
He looked at me with such pain in his eyes I had to look away.
“You tell me, Savannah,” he said quietly. “Did it ever matter to you?”
I looked back at him and opened my mouth, but before I could say anything, Archer rode up, his face shining like the sun.
“Did you see me Maman? Did you see how good I was?”
“Yes baby,” I said, trying to smile back at him. “You were perfect.” I took a breath. “Come on, I think it’s time to put Penny away. How do you feel about going into town for a milkshake and a pastry?”
“Can Jed come?” he asked.
“No. Jed has to work.” I shot a look at the man standing beside me, anger rolling off him in waves, warning him not to contradict me.
“Oh, okay,” Archer said. “Can I come back for another lesson tomorrow?”
Jed shook his head.
“No baby,” I said. “Jed doesn’t have time for anymore lessons. We’ll need to give the riding lessons a rest for a while, okay?”
The beaming smile on Archer’s face fell away. “I can’t ride anymore?” he asked.
“I’m sorry baby. Not for a little while, okay?”
“Why don’t you go with your mother now and I’ll look after Penny,” Jed said.
Archer tightened his hands on the reins and I thought for a moment he was going to take off, but he looked at me and let the reins go, sliding from the saddle to the ground. He hugged Penny around the neck before walking toward me. I took his hand, holding on tighter than I should, but I needed the contact to ground me.
“Come on,” I said, “let’s get that milkshake and how about an eclair? You love eclairs.”
I walked away without looking back at Jed. It took all my willpower, but I managed to keep my face forward. It felt like I was pulling my heart out of my own chest, but I did it anyway. It would only hurt for a little while. A hundred years or so. I could survive that. I’d survived everything else, what was one more heartache?
Chapter 16
Savannah
Sleep was non-existent and not even coffee could help give me the impression of a sweet disposition. I was silent and surly at the breakfast meeting and then hid myself away in my workroom. Everyone gave me a wide berth, even Margaret.
Every time I closed my eyes, I thought of Jed. I dreamed of him. I wished they were dreams of me getting over him, walking away without feeling like my heart had been torn from my chest, but they weren’t. I dreamed of the way things could have been. I dreamed of white picket fences and Archer smiling and laughing as Jed carried him on his shoulders. I dreamed of cosy nights where we snuggled together on a big, comfy couch and talked about our days. I dreamed of the perfect life and then woke up to the reality of being alone.
I was so mad at him. I didn’t even know what went wrong between us and then I got mad at myself because I never wanted to start something with him in the first place. It was as if fate threw us together and then laughed maniacally as she watched us burn. I had been content in my life; it wasn’t perfect, but it was a good life and now it felt wrong somehow. That’s what I hated the most. I hated that he was able to disrupt my life so much that now it felt like something was missing.
I swore under my breath as I pulled the dress from the sewing machine. I grabbed the unpicker and set to unpicking the mistake I had made. At this rate, Alyssa’s dress would never get finished. It was tempted to hand it off to one of the seamstresses, but I always made her gowns and there was no way I was going to let this thing with Jed affect my job.
The door burst open and I lifted my head, a scowl already on my face and a string of insults primed for whoever dared to interrupt me. They died on my tongue as I took in the scene of my father, standing there, wild-eyed, skin pale and his hair askew as if he had been running his hands through it.
I stood. “What? What’s wrong?”
“Is Archer
here with you?” he asked.
“Archer? No, no, no,” I replied shaking my head. “He was at the cabin. He was fine. He was playing with his Legos when I left.”
Papa ran his hands through his hair again. “I can’t find him. I don’t know where he is.”
“What do you mean you don’t know where he is?”
“I—”
“Where were you?” I asked, narrowing my eyes as I advanced on him. “Why weren’t you watching him?”
“I just had to step out for a minute. I wasn’t long, I swear. I wasn’t gone long.”
“You left him alone?”
“Just for a minute.”
I threw the dress aside and grabbed my coat, storming out the door and heading for the stairs. He’d be at the stables. Even though I told him not to go there, he would. He loved those horses and Jed—no, he loved helping in the stables, it wasn’t Jed. Jed had no bearing on this at all. Archer had probably gone to see that blasted horse.
I tore across the stable yard and into the barn, the freezing wind tearing at my coat and stinging my cheeks. I walked down the long corridor and around to where I knew they kept Mistborn. Neither horse nor boy was there. My heart squeezed and my stomach rolled over. Archer wouldn’t have tried to ride him, would he?
I ran back the way I came and out into the cold afternoon, the sky an ugly grey that threatened snow. I went from pen to pen, the grazing horses lifting their heads to look at me curiously. I saw Mistborn in the last pen and I made a beeline for him. He was standing at the edge of the corral and staring out into the paddock like he wished he could be out there. He turned to look at me when he heard me coming, his ears switched back and forth and his swished his tail. There was no Archer.
Panic clawed at my throat. Where could he be? Where would he go? If not here, his favourite place in the world, then where?
Jed would know. As much as I hated to admit it, Jed spent more time with my son than I did. He would know where to find him. I raced back around the big stable and toward the bunk house. I climbed the stairs and pounded on Jed’s door. There was no answer. I pounded harder and then tried the handle. The door swung open under my hand and I stepped over the threshold. The bed was stripped, the bare mattress mocking me. I took a deep breath. It could just be laundry day, I thought to myself. But I knew. I knew without looking through the drawers of the dresser, Jed was gone.
