by Emma Renshaw
Shayla shook her head. “You don’t owe me anything.”
“I owe you everything.”
“If you keep refusing help, he’ll probably just buy you a house,” I said. “He’s a little crazy like that.”
Gunner grinned and winked. Shayla’s head reared back. “A house? Are you crazy? Do you know how much those cost?”
“I can afford it,” Gunner said. “I’ll leave y’all for some time to talk but, Shayla, it was nice meeting you. Anything. Remember that.”
We watched him walk out of the room.
“He looks just as good going as he does coming,” Shayla joked. Her mouth tilted up on the sides. I stared at her and I could finally see my cousin. The one who I had grown up with.
“He sure does,” I said and smiled back.
Shayla’s face lit with joy. Tucker was right, she had been all alone, but she wouldn’t be anymore. I knew she’d needed to find this road herself, but now that she was here, I hoped she’d let me walk by her side.
I’d never give up Tuck as my son. He belonged with me; that was the best place for him. But maybe they could have some kind of relationship.
“How’s Tucker?”
I pursed my lips and ran a finger over my brow. “He’s okay, though there was some smoke damage. They’re keeping him overnight to observe him, because someone drugged him.”
“Drugged him?” Shayla hissed, sitting up.
“Yep. Apparently, whoever set our house on fire didn’t want him to wake up.”
“It was done on purpose? I thought since you knew it wasn’t me that it had been an accident. I thought for sure you’d blame me for the fire. I saw the flames from the front porch of the inn and ran toward it.”
“Yes,” I whispered, still stunned by the news myself.
Shayla sighed, closing her eyes, and shook her head. “Y’all thought it was me, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” I answered honestly. “You were the only person I could think of that might want to harm me. I thought you were going to take Tuck and leave me there.”
“I’d never,” she said.
“I know. Now that I know it wasn’t you and I’ve had a tiny bit of time to process, I know you wouldn’t do that. Why didn’t you call?”
Tears formed in Shayla’s eyes again, and the backs of my eyes burned as tears started to form. “I had a slip.” She bit her lip and looked down at her laced fingers.
I grabbed one of her hands, squeezing it. “What happened?”
“The day after I talked to you, I thought about how much I’d fucked up. I slipped, but I got right back on. I’ve been sober for over a month.” She pointed to the corner of the room. “My thirty-day chip is in my pants pocket. I want you to keep it. Maybe give it to Tucker?”
I nodded. “I’ll keep it. I’m really proud of you, but…Colt saw you just the other day at a drug house.”
“It’s not what you think,” she insisted, sitting up even straighter. The heart monitor connected to her started beeping faster.
“It’s okay, calm down,” I said and rubbed her arm. “Just tell me what happened and tell me what’s wrong with you. Why did they admit you?”
“Turns out drugs fucked with more than just my life. My heart is damaged, and the smoke really did a number on my lungs. I had chest pains when I woke up, so they’re monitoring me. I should’ve never taken that first hit.” She shook her head and fisted her free hand. I kept hold of the other.
“It’s okay. You’re sober right now.”
“I am,” she said. “Thirty-five days.”
“Why were you at the drug house?”
“That scum is my ex-boyfriend. He’d been hiding a necklace my mom gave me and my dad’s watch. They were the only things from my parents that I hadn’t pawned. I had to keep just one thing of theirs. I went to get it back.”
“Oh, Shayla,” I whispered. I could see the heartache in her eyes. “Did you get them back?”
“Yeah,” she said. “But they were in my pocket with my coin. They’re probably all melted now.”
“I think they’ll be fine. I think an average house fire isn’t hot enough to burn metal.”
“Can you check? I haven’t been able to get up since I’m hooked to all this stuff.”
I rose from the chair and made my way over to the plastic bag containing her belongings. I dug through it until I found her jeans and, in the front pocket, totally intact, were the three tokens that were her worldly possessions.
I closed them in my hand and sat back in the chair. “They’re fine. See?” I opened my fist and showed her the necklace, watch, and sobriety chip.
“Thank you,” she whispered and peeked at me through her downcast eyes. “Can you tell me about Tucker?”
I smiled and I did. I told her about his love for baseball and how that had only grown since Gunner came into our lives. I told her about Colt and Tuck conning me into getting a dog. I told her about how well he did in school and about his friends. It evolved into stories about the rest of the family and how much we still loved her. How my parents missed her and prayed for her. I told her every holiday my mom wrapped a plate and put it in the fridge, just in case.
I held her hand through it all, and we cried together as I told her about her son.
“All that crying made me hungry,” I said and laughed when my stomach rumbled.
“Me too,” she said and bit her lip. “Can you get me some pudding?”
“You know, the last time you asked for pudding, you pulled a disappearing act and I lost you.”
“That will never happen again. I’m going to be there for Tucker’s life. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to take him from you. I just want to get to know him. On his terms.”
“Promise you’ll be here when I get back?”
“Yeah, I’m here to stay,” she said.
I nabbed four chocolate puddings, two for each of us, from the cart in the cafeteria before I headed back to Shayla’s room. I slowly walked the halls, not back up to full energy, and took the elevator to her floor.
“Hey,” I said, smiling when I stepped off the elevator and came face-to-face with Gunner.
“Delilah.” His voice was soft and he stepped forward, placing his hands on my hips.
“Did she leave?”
I’d thought this time would be different. I’d thought she would stay. I’d fallen for it again.
“Delilah,” he said. “She died. She had a heart attack. Her heart was too damaged for them to save her. They did everything they could, but she didn’t make it. I’m so sorry.”
“No,” I whispered and collapsed against Gunner’s chest. He rubbed my back as I stared over his shoulder at Shayla’s hospital room. I’d only been gone for less than thirty minutes. I should’ve read the map better. Maybe if I’d been in the room, someone would’ve gotten there faster.
“No,” I whispered again.
36
Gunner
I lifted my fist to knock on the door of Delilah’s new cabin but hesitated. She’d been distant since Shayla died and Tuck was released from the hospital. She’d made excuses why she couldn’t see me, and when we did see each other, she barely talked. I wanted them to stay with me, but she’d refused, saying they needed their own space. She wouldn’t even stay with her parents. Tuck was miserable too. I was at a loss for what to do and how to help them.
“You actually have to hit the door to make the knocking sound,” Mom said.
I shook off my thoughts and popped my neck, knocking on the door. Tuck opened it a moment later. He was in a black suit with a white shirt and a loose tie around his neck. There were bags under his eyes that he was far too young for, and the smile he gave Mom when she hugged him wasn’t nearly as bright as it normally was.
I crouched down to his level. “Need some help with that?” I pointed to the tie.
“Yeah,” he said. “Ties are stupid. I don’t like them but Mom is making me wear it.”
“They’re not my favorite
either, but some occasions call for it.”
I worked through the knot of the tie slowly, explaining the process to him, but he wasn’t paying attention. He was staring at a far-off corner, lost in his own thoughts.
“There,” I said. “It’s done.”
“Thanks, Gunner.”
“Tucker,” Delilah called, coming out of her room while putting on a pearl earring. She looked beautiful as she always did. Her dress skimmed her hips. She looked classy and gorgeous. I never wanted to see this dress again though. A reminder of this ugly day. “Oh. You’re here.” Her lips tilted up in a forced smile, but there was nothing behind her eyes, not even when she looked at Mom.
“Yeah,” I said. “Can I help you with that?” She was struggling with her necklace.
I stepped forward and she turned, handing it to me over her shoulder. I lifted her hair and put it to one side as I fastened the necklace around her neck. “There, all done.”
She turned, placing her fingers on the simple gold chain with a flower pendant. A piece of jewelry I hadn’t seen her wear before. “Thank you,” she murmured.
She walked around me going to Tucker. “Oh, your tie is done.”
“Gunner did it.”
Delilah licked her lips. “That’s great.”
“Sweetheart, can I get you a cup of coffee or a shot of tequila?” Mom asked.
Delilah cracked a slight smile. “I think it’s a little early for that.”
Mom shook her head. “There are no rules on days like today. It’ll be a long day. If you want a shot, I’ve got one.” Her hand disappeared into her purse, and she pulled out an airplane bottle of tequila.
“Let’s go put on your shoes, Tuck,” I said, leading him out of the hallway as Mom stepped toward Delilah. I glanced over my shoulder, watching Delilah take the little bottle, with tears in her eyes, and swig it back in one swallow.
I laced and tied Tuck’s new dress shoes as he sat on the couch. Everything Delilah and Tuck were wearing was new. They’d lost everything in the fire. Everything had to be replaced, but even once they were, I wasn’t sure things would ever be the same.
“It’s time to go,” Mom said.
I looked up from Tuck’s shoes and into his eyes. “Are you ready, bud?”
“No,” he said. “What if I cry? Will everybody think I’m a baby if I cry?”
“Never,” I said, shaking my head.
“But boys don’t cry.”
“That’s not true,” I said. “A man can show any emotion when it’s needed. You’re never less because you’re crying or emotional. You’re the best kid, and if you need to cry, today or any day, you can.”
“Will it hurt Mom’s feelings if I cry for Shayla? Since she was my real mom?”
A pain sliced through my chest. I grabbed his hand, tugging him forward to hug him and quietly speak to him. “No, bud. It won’t hurt your mom. They are both your real moms. Okay? I swear. I’ll be by your side the whole time. If you need a break, grab my hand, and I’ll take you for some air.”
“I love you, Gunner,” Tuck whispered and I felt one of his tears hit my neck.
My eyes burned and I had to clear my throat as emotion welled inside me. “I love you too, Tuck.”
I squeezed him more tightly before standing and taking his hand in mine. Delilah was leaning against the wall. While Tucker was looking down, she mouthed, Thank you.
I nodded and walked to her, grabbing her hand. I wouldn’t let go of either of them today.
We arrived at the funeral home at the same time as Colt. He got out of his car, dressed in a black suit, and looked up at the gray sky. It smelled like rain was coming, but I hoped it held off long enough for the funeral.
We walked in and met Delilah’s parents in the lobby as the funeral director came out. “Are we ready?”
I walked, with a hand in Delilah’s and a hand in Tucker’s, into the viewing room. There were ten rows of pews. Tucker stopped in his tracks, staring at the casket at the front of the room. Only the slope of Shayla’s nose was visible.
Tuck squeezed my hand over and over again. I turned toward Delilah. “I’m going to take Tuck for some air.”
She nodded and ran her hand over the top of his head. “Do you want me to come, bud?”
He shook his head. “Just Gunner.”
She nodded, even as her eyes filled with tears. “Okay.”
I kissed Delilah’s cheek and headed toward the exit. There were a few people in the pews, but most of them were empty. My chest tightened. She deserved more than this. I didn’t know her, but I knew Delilah and her family. I knew that she’d birthed the little guy next to me, squeezing the life out of my hand. And for that alone, she deserved more than just the few people in there.
I pushed through the exit and took Tucker outside. The rain had started. It was a fine mist, not enough to make our clothes wet, but it was there. We stayed under the awning. Tucker bent in half putting his hands on his knees, and I placed my hand on his back.
“Do I have to go up there?” he asked.
“No,” I said. I hoped that was the right thing to say and that it wouldn’t come back to bite me, but if he couldn’t then he shouldn’t. I didn’t know if this was his first funeral or not, but at his age seeing someone in a coffin was scary.
Hell, it was scary at my age.
“You don’t have to go up there. It’s up to you. But if you do, it’s also up to you if you want to say anything to her or not. When my best friend died, I only said a few things. It was all I could handle. Some others talked to him for longer, but I didn’t need to say more.”
“Can she hear me in heaven?”
“I believe everyone who leaves us continues to watch over us and will send us signs, just when we need it. I stopped to talk to Declan’s headstone when I got to town. This huge gust of wind blew and tried to knock me on my ass. I knew that was him and he would’ve found it funny if I’d fallen down.”
“What’d you say to him when he died?”
“Cradle to grave. Sandbox to the pine box. Home plate to center field. And I said, ‘I love you, brother.’ We were best friends our whole lives and knew we would be until we died. He left too soon, but he’s with me every day. Shayla will be with you too. I know you didn’t get a chance to know her, but your mom will tell you all about her. They were best friends.”
Tucker nodded. “I’m ready.”
“Let’s do this, bud. Remember, I’ve got your back.”
We walked back inside, his hand still in mine. “What do you want to do?”
“I want to go up there.” His voice shook a little, but he stood tall and walked ahead of me. He stopped at the first pew looking for Delilah. She got up and walked with us to Shayla’s casket. I bent and lifted him so he didn’t have to stand on tiptoes.
A tear fell down his cheek, and I wiped it away with my thumb. Delilah rubbed his back and whispered, “She loved you, Tucker. I’ll tell you all about her one day.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“That’s okay, bud. You don’t have to say anything, or you can say whatever pops into your head.”
His brow wrinkled as he looked down at Shayla again. “I hope you stay with me like Declan stays with Gunner.”
Tucker looked at me and, with me holding him, we were face-to-face. He wiped away a stray tear from my cheek with his thumb.
After the funeral and burial, we went back to the inn. The kitchen staff had a meal ready for us. It was a quiet lunch. I walked Delilah and Tucker back to their cabin, keeping their hands in mine.
Delilah opened the door to the cabin and told Tuck to change and hang up his suit. She shut the front door after Tucker went inside. I didn’t know what was coming, but I knew I wouldn’t like it.
“Gunner,” Delilah said, putting her hands on my chest and looking at her shoes.
“Look at me, Delilah.”
She looked up with tears in her bloodshot eyes.
“Don’t do this,” I whispered.
“I need time,” she said. “Tuck needs time. I need to be there for him and focus on him.”
“I’d never ask you to focus on me and not him. Never. I want to be there for him too.”
“I need time,” she said.
“Is this it? We’re done? What the hell happened, Delilah? I love you. I fucking love you.”
She shook her head and looked at her shoes.
“No, please look at me.”
She slowly raised her eyes again. “I don’t know what this means, but I need space. I need time. I don’t know what Tuck is going to need, but he needs all of my attention. I can’t split it.”
“I’m not asking you to split it. I just want to be by your side while you focus on him.”
“When it comes to you, my attention is automatically split. How can it not be? I can’t be around you and not give you attention and love. It’s…”
“It’s natural and right because we belong together.”
“I can’t right now,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re leaving for Spring Training soon, and that’s going to crush Tucker. It really hit me on New Year’s Day when you started training more that you’re leaving in six weeks. And then you’ll be gone. I need to prepare him now. He’s already lost a lot. If this goes wrong, he won’t be okay. And all this happened so close to the holidays, I don’t want Christmas to be ruined for him, he barely smiled as he opened his gifts a couple weeks ago. I need to be with only him.”
“I’m coming back. Y’all are going to visit. This won’t go wrong, Delilah.” My heart was beating out of my chest and my gut was churning. I felt like I was standing in the middle of the train tracks watching the train come barreling down on me and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop her from doing this.
“I’m sorry, Gunner. I need time.”
“This isn’t over, Delilah. This can’t be over. I’m giving you time because you think you need it. I only want to be by your side. And Tuck’s. I love you and I love him.” My voice was raw and laced with anger, need, and love.
