by Olga Menson
At this point, we were making out heavily, the kind of kissing where you aren't breathing enough and will have to stop soon to catch your breath before you go back in and escalate further. Jamie didn't wait for that. Suddenly, I felt her small hand grasping my now-hard cock right through my jeans. I stopped kissing her instinctively and said her name, like a moan. Like a lover.
"Jaimie, god..."
That seemed to wake her up. She released my cock, much to my disappointment, and stepped back. Her hand was on her mouth. She was clearly in shock. Oh fuck, I'd done it now...I was sure of it. But I wasn't really thinking clearly about the sequence of events.
"I...I'm sorry," she said, "I, uh, need to go..."
And then she turned and ran inside the house. I couldn't see her anymore but I knew that she ran up the stairs to her room and that I would find the door closed when I went after her.
Well, shit.
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Irwin's Story
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I didn't bother Jamie that night. I knew it would make things worse. The following morning I ran into her in the hall and tried to talk to her. I opened my mouth but she spoke over me, talking fast and clearly wanting to be nowhere near me.
"I can't right now please leave me alone ok I love you."
It was the way she spoke when she was anxious or feeling really low. Mom and Dad noticed the way she was and exchanged a look but they didn't say anything. The truth was that she was, in fact, smarter than all of us. I know that all of us worried about her but none of us wanted to make anything worse by pushing. She would, normally, eventually open up to someone. Most often me. I doubted she would be talking to anyone about this.
I felt that I'd triggered this so I couldn't do nothing. I had to save my sister. This was worse than Bryan, in that I couldn't just tackle it head on and hope for victory. I needed help, so I went to the person I knew who gave the best advice.
"Irwin dude, I know you were planning on leaving this afternoon but I need your help."
"Whoa, calm down, dude. I got time for you. The girl will understand if we have to leave a little later. What do you need?"
I stopped and thought about somewhere we could talk without family or friends.
"Hey, the college library will be empty, meet me there in a half hour. Oh, and, uh, come alone. Its kind of sensitive," I said kind of sheepishly. Irwin trusted Trina implicitly and I did for the most part, too. I was more worried about judgment than my secrets getting out.
We met and took the elevator up to the seventh floor, which was the sociology and psychology section. It was usually pretty quiet when class was in session but during the break it was dead. Irwin and I were the only ones there. We sat at one of the old wooden desks. Despite knowing we were alone, I talked low, almost a whisper. I was ashamed, but I knew that Irwin would, at least, know what to say to make me look at this rationally. I explained everything, watching his eyebrows rise in shock. I finished explaining the chain of events.
I stopped talking. Irwin sat back. I gave him time. I knew that he was thinking. He only thought fast on the field, otherwise, he took his time, considering things from all angles. It was reassuring to watch.
"Ok, bro. I think I know what you gotta do, but you're gonna need to listen to me really closely. Maybe you'll like it, probably not. I can't and won't tell you what the right path is, but maybe I can help you figure it out."
I took a deep breath.
"All right. I'm listening."
"Cool. You're gonna need to settle in because I have a story for you. The problem here is that you're thinking conventionally, and only from your perspective. Once I explain things to you I think you'll understand a little better. Oh, and no-one can know about what I'm going to tell you."
That surprised me. I thought I was doing all the shameful admissions today. Irwin began to speak and I didn't interrupt him. He was doing me a favor, after all.
"I've told you before that I'm dyslexic and also needed a speech therapist in elementary and middle school. It was rough, but I don't like to complain about it now. I'm doing ok, after all. I never really told you what it did to me, though."
"I was shorter, lonely, and bullied. And I survived but every year things didn't seem to get better. I know that the speech therapy helped and my reading was improving, which also improved my grades, but my social life and confidence were going in the opposite direction."
"It got to the point where I just gave up. I did my homework, went to school, but refused to do anything else. I stopped trying to make friends, wouldn't play any sports. I spent all my time in my room. My parents didn't know what to do. They tried to convince me to go out with them and were really too pushy about it. I stopped talking to them to except when I absolutely needed to."
"In my freshman year, Rebecca intervened. You know her, you know what she's like."
I did know her. She was about three years older than Irwin. They were close (although I had no idea how far that went). I'd met her a lot, she was friendly and fun. She was very curious and liked to joke around. Never a mean word from her. I even noticed that she and Trina had become friends. Not only that, but she was, pardon my terminology, stacked. She was tall, brunette, great breasts, athletic, and didn't like bras. She knew that I noticed but didn't care as long as I wasn't a creep about it. She had just graduated from a private college and was trying to find work in a much larger city to the north. I hadn't seen her in a while and I wondered what she'd been up to.
"Yeah, so she basically just opened my door and came in. No knocks. She never did that. She loved that I respected her privacy so she did the same. She sat next to me on the bed. Just sat. I was too stunned to complain. Then she kissed me on the head and told me that she was taking me somewhere. It wasn't an order. It was more like this was how things were and she was just letting me know as a courtesy."
"So I went with her. It turns out she was just taking me to hang out with some of her friends at the coffee shop. These were artists, drama geeks, political junkies, some from the college, some from our school, some who were a lot older. What she knew, and I didn't, was that they may have been odd and critical of each other they were extremely accepting. There wasn't a question of why she brought me, or if I could even do anything important. No one even expected me to say anything. So I listened. They had amazing conversations, and I got to drink coffee."
"We'd talk on the way back about what happened. She'd ask me what I thought and really listened. Going to the coffee shop started becoming my favorite part of the week and my favorite part of that was the car ride back."
"She didn't take me every day, but every time she went, I went with her. People started talking to me, although they weren't offended when I refused to say anything back. Eventually, after a month, someone asked me what I thought about their art. And I was sensitive, you know? Like if I had done some art I would be fucked up if I asked about it and there was no answer. So I did answer. And I had been paying attention to her, so I knew that she was trying to show deep emotions through painted landscapes. I told her what I thought of each one, specifically and in a detailed fashion. She was shocked and flattered and even blushed a little bit. I'm sure in retrospect she was just being kind when she asked me, maybe thought I was cute, sure, ask the quiet boy, he'll be safe. My sister laughed but it was just a happy laugh."
"That's how she saved me. And I loved her for it, more than anything. Still do. I had one more problem though."
"I'd started dating Trina. She was the artist. You'd guessed that. She still paints. This would have been Junior year, so we hadn't become friends. I felt better than I had in years, tried out for the team, but inside there was still a seed of that doubt. Trina was ready to escalate things, she knew that I was excited. That I liked getting her off with my hands. But I never let her do anything for me. I knew, really knew, that I was ugly. And that as soon as she felt, saw, or tasted my cock she would be disgusted and that would be it. She was the best thing in my life and I wanted her
but I could tell that she was getting anxious that I wasn't actually interested. And I know now that Trina would have understood. Would have been eager to show me how wrong I was."
"So this was still before we'd really started hanging out. I'd just turned eighteen and was getting more and more anxious again. Eventually, Rebecca just asks me whats wrong. So I tell her. It's like this barrier that I can't get past in my head. I've thought about myself as being worthless for so long that there is still a part of me that won't admit that Trina wants me. That all of my success is just an act and as soon as we're naked together she'll realize it and dump me."
"She suddenly gets really serious and I worry that I've offended her. She gets up and closes the door then sits back down. She says 'Close your eyes, please,' in the quietest voice I've ever heard her use. I do. I hear something soft and rustling, don't know what it is, then I feel her hand on my chest."
"She starts talking again: 'I like Trina. She's good for you. I would have asked you to dump anyone else. So...just promise...promise me that if you two ever break up that you'll come to talk to me before you start seeing anyone else. I don't care if it happens next week or in twenty years.' I nod but that's not enough. 'Say it out loud. I need to hear it,' she says. "
"So I'm really confused but Rebecca is kind of my hero. I love her more than pretty much anyone and if she told me I needed to jump out of a moving car for her then I'd probably do it. 'I promise.' That's when I feel her lips on mine, and she isn't moving slowly. It's still probably the most passionate kiss I've ever had."
"I open my eyes and she's topless on my bed. She sits back suddenly and covers herself with her hands. Like she isn't gorgeous. You know she is. Every dude I've brought by has either said some gross shit about her or checked her out. And she's even more amazing without clothes. I look at her and I realize a few things. One, I love her more than a sister. Somewhere along the lines of hanging out with her constantly, my gratitude shifted to something else. Two, she loves me even more than I love her, and she's been going through something. She wasn't just trying to help her brother, she was trying to save the guy she loved. Three, she's at least as worried of what I'd think of her appearance as I am about what Trina would think."
"'Irwin, will you let me be your first?' she says, her voice trembling. I don't need to be told twice. Next thing I'm kissing her on her breasts and we're tearing each other's clothes off. Somehow I hold out long enough to make her cum, I don't know how. I cum inside her, and we stay and make out. She cried a little after too. At first I was worried that I hurt her but I figured out pretty quickly that while she'd never attempt to break up my relationship, she wasn't really ok with me seeing other girls. We, uh, try to be good, but every couple of months we slip and end up fucking. I should feel guilty but its brought us even closer together."
"And that's how it is. Thanks to Rebecca I got over my fear. I'm still with Trina, we're in love for sure and getting more serious, not less. Rebecca still dates but it never really goes anywhere. I have no idea how this going to end up. So that's the bad part I guess. But those are my problems, not yours."
"You've got some stuff you need to face up to before you make any decisions. Some shit I think you just missed because you're too close to it, which is understandable, but you're also totally in denial and it's going to fuck your life up if you don't acknowledge it. Also, I don't have a lot of time so I'm going to be blunt."
I was stunned by his story but still listening. I had about a billion questions, but he didn't let me ask them. I wasn't bothered by him being blunt. I felt that I was missing something important, and if he had to kick my ass a little to help me, well that's what best friends were for.
"You know that your sister looks up to you, right?"
"Yeah."
"That was how it used to be. Then, two years ago you saved her just like Rebecca saved me. You might not have noticed but on that day you became her hero. Hell, you became a lot more popular with all the girls then, but her? She was done. Trina and I have both seen how she looks at you, but the real giveaway is when you come into a room. She turns her whole body to face you and smiles. It's always huge and real. She loves you, and I mean really. You were shocked when she kissed you and felt you up but I guarantee she's been thinking about that for years. Any decision you make has to take into account that you could break her heart with a single word."
Well, shit. That was something that I definitely didn't want to do.
"Ok, so what's the other thing."
He smiled.
"Don't hate the messenger. You're at least as much in love with her as she is with you. I can't be sure but I think you were into her before you saved her. Its just gotten stronger as time's gone on."
I opened my mouth to protest but he held his hand up to stop me
"You've been in serious denial. I've thought about talking to you about it. You would do anything for her but she probably thinks you don't like her anymore because of the way you've been avoiding her for the last year or so. You made yourself so busy with football, work, school, and women that you basically never saw her even though you are living at home. Oh, and this is probably why you never form any connections with other girls. You already have one, and nothing else is strong enough to even compete with it."
He was done. I think he was waiting for me to object or argue, but I sat and thought for about a minute. Everything checked out. All of it.
"Well, shit," I said, "I've gotta do something about this."
Not that I had any idea what to do. Or rather I did have some ideas. Now that I was confronting my most repressed desires, it turns out I had a lot of ideas. Irwin looked at his phone, swore, and stood up.
"Dude, I gotta go. Trina is patient but if I make her wait any longer she'll worry. Feel free to call, but I know you'll do whatever is best for you and Jamie. Fuck society though. Worry about yourselves. If you want my opinion, my life is complex but I wouldn't change any of it. I love Rebecca and Trina. All right dude, take care."
And then he walked off to the elevator, waving over his shoulder. He was right. I'd been in denial about this. He didn't say it but I made things worse by ignoring it. No wonder she ran away. She probably thought I'd finally start hanging out with her again and that she screwed everything up. I always assume that she can read me better than other people, but you know what they say about assumptions.
I fucked it up so it was my job to unfuck it.
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Crossing the Line
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I drove home. It was a Saturday, and I knew Mom and Dad were volunteering all day so I had a window of opportunity to speak with Jamie without interruption. I was going to take it.
I stopped trying to be the laid back guy. I stopped hiding my feelings, my emotions. I let my love show in my eyes. I let the nervousness which seemed to be infecting every part of me display itself in my expression. I took a deep breath, knocked and entered her room without waiting. I closed it behind me and then went and sat on her bed.
Jamie spun around from her desk where she'd been messing with her laptop. Her face showed surprise, then irritation that I'd just come in without permission, then finally a mix of concern and worry as she saw how I was sitting. I had trouble meeting her eyes, which was again, not normal for me. She came over and sat next to me on her bed without having to be asked.
She sat facing me with one leg tucked under her and the other dangling off of the bed. Her body language was nervous but opened to me, vulnerable. Now that Irwin had pointed these things out to me it was impossible for me to miss them. God, she was so beautiful. I sat cross-legged and turned to face her. I needed her to understand that she was the sole focus of my attention. I hesitated and she broke the silence.
"Wha...what's wrong?" she asked softly and hesitantly, "Is this about last night?". I could tell that she feared my response. Feared that I would go back to ignoring her or just tell her that she was a deviant.
"Hey. This is going to be kind of hard for
me to do, but I need you to understand that I don't think badly of you at all, ok? And that no matter what you say or how you react I'll be your big brother and you'll always be Tiny. Ok?"
She looked confused but a little relieved and nodded, expectantly.
"Please close your eyes. I know that sounds weird, but I'm really nervous and I think it would help."
She actually looked shocked that I admitted to being nervous. Well, that's good I guess. She should see that her brother isn't perfect, but a mess of insecurities from time to time. Still, she closed her eyes and waited.
I didn't want to make her wait, but I hesitated. Despite the what happened on our "date" last night, after I admitted this, she might not want to see or talk to me. I took in her high cheekbones. I took in her lush lips and the way her hair looked like golden thread, even when in a simple ponytail. I couldn't help but notice the way her body made even an old hoodie and boy's cargo shorts as appealing to me as lingerie. When I had looked enough, I started to tell her the truth.
"I love being with you. I love hearing your thoughts and your dumb jokes. I love when you explain very complex things to me in a way that I can understand without making me feel bad about myself. I love protecting you, whether it's from some dick at school or a nightmare. I love listening to you when you're sad or when you're so excited by some nerdy shit that you absolutely have to tell someone and that someone is me."
I could see that my honestly was having the desired effect. She had started to relax a little and smile. Even blush. God the way she blushed just made me want to kiss her.
