by Ana Newfolk
Looking back now it was really brave of him to do that.
Then again, he'd always been so strong, even when he didn’t realize it.
15 July 2002
Dorian Charles
345 East 72nd Street,
10021 New York
USA
Dear Jean-Paul
What's up? All good with you?
I sent you a birthday present. Don't open it yet, it's too early. I know that packages always take forever to get there so I wanted to be prepared and send it early.
I really like the photos you sent me. Thank you!
I wanted to choose my favorite to put on a frame on the wall but in the end I couldn't make up my mind so I framed them all.
I like looking at them. You are really good at taking photos.
When I look at them I like to pretend that I’m going to all of those places with you.
Do you think that will ever happen? That we will one day meet in real life and go out exploring places and take photos or try all the foods you keep talking about? I hope that can happen.
Jean-Paul, you are my best friend so I feel like I can tell you everything and I would very much like to meet you one day.
I don't have much in common with the other guys at school, apart from liking sports. All they do is chase the girls because we're in a mixed school now. It's so boring.
Well, the truth is... I'm not interested in girls because... well I'm gay.
My heart is beating really fast and I don't know if I will send this letter. My mom said I should be open with you and tell you because it's important to me that you know.
Do you mind that I'm gay? You are my friend, so that's okay, right?
I also wondered if you might be gay too, since you never talk about girls. It's okay if you're not, of course, but I think it would be great if you were. Just sayin.
Oh, Kat said to tell you that she liked the recipe you sent her. She's started helping my mom a lot in the kitchen, and I think she wants to be a chef. Is that what you want to be too? You are a great photographer but you always talk about food. Maybe you could be both!
I've been thinking and I'm going to ask my parents if I can visit you in Paris one day when I'm allowed to fly on my own.
I look forward to hearing from you again and DON'T open your present before your birthday.
Your best friend,
Dorian
I couldn't help the tear that ran down my cheek.
My gift had been a pen that had “I read you” engraved on it. I’d always wondered if it was a fun gift because we only ever read each other’s words, or if there was a deeper meaning.
I’d wanted to believe it was the latter because it was true, I read his words like I was reading him.
If only Dorian had known then that despite the fact I would treasure that pen forever, the best present he gave me that year was his confession.
Chapter Five
Dorian
I didn't realize I was crying until I felt my tears land on my hand. I remembered writing my coming out letter like it was yesterday.
Even with my mom's encouragement my hand still shook like a leaf with each word I wrote. I wasn't even sure why it was so important to me that he knew I was gay, and I didn't think I'd articulated it particularly well, but I remember the feeling of relief when I posted the letter.
Even if I'd never have another letter from Jean-Paul again, I knew the significance of telling another person.
Jean-Paul's continued friendship and acceptance gave me confidence to be myself and not be afraid of what other people might think, because ultimately there were only a few people that mattered, my family and Jean-Paul.
14 November 2005
Jean-Paul Bertram
47 Rue Des Fleurs,
75014 Paris
France
Dear Dorian,
Wow, I can't believe that in one month you will be here, in Paris at Christmas!
I am so excited to meet you but also a little nervous.
What if you don't like me when you meet me? What if we have arguments?
I can't stop worrying about it because I really want to be your best friend forever. And yes, I know I sound like a girl, but our friendship if different to all the other friendships I have.
After 7 years of writing to each other we can finally do things together and have a conversation in real time!!
The thing I look forward to the most is receiving your letters in the post, but the post is too slow. Please can we start emailing now? After we meet, maybe?
As my mother says, it's about time we take our friendship into the 21st century. Can you believe she said we're like two old men writing letters to each other?
Anyway, I have made a list of all the places I want to show you in Paris. We'll do some of the tourist things but there are other places I think you will like too.
We'll have fun and eat great food! Gosh, I'm going to take you to try all my favorite foods in Paris.
Can't wait!
Your best friend,
Jean-Paul
I always loved Christmas. Despite my parents' wealth we always did so much together. Christmas was the smell of my mom burning the cookies we were going to decorate, my dad buying ready made cookies so we could actually eat some, Ash wanting everybody to stand still so he could draw us with the Christmas tree behind us, Kat saving Christmas with her perfect cakes. But it was the Christmas of 2005 and meeting Jean-Paul that made it the best one ever for me.
All the time we were corresponding I knew Jean-Paul was a special person and I cared about him more than I did about any other friend. When we finally met in person and I looked into his dark almond-shaped eyes my heart was stolen.
My body had also caught up and suddenly being around Jean-Paul had made the cold December weather in Paris a whole lot warmer.
The next letter surprised me because it wasn't a letter, but the draft of the letter I wrote to Jean-Paul while I was waiting for my flight at the airport.
I remembered writing it and wanting to say so much more. When I'd arrived back in New York I transferred it to letter paper and then sent it.
30 December 2005
Dear Jean-Paul
I'm writing this letter while I wait for my flight to start boarding. The last 3 weeks with you were just awesome. I really don't want to go home, but unfortunately I don't have a choice.
I wish I could go back in time and I was now on the other side of these doors, arriving in Paris rather than leaving.
All the fears I had about meeting you evaporated the moment we met.
Your mom is a very kind person, very much like my mom. Even Audrey seemed to like me a little. Or maybe it was because of that special fish I got her.
Jean-Paul, I hope you know how important and special you are to me. The things we experienced together...fuck, I don't even know what to write!
I hope distance doesn't make things weird. I will look forward to your letters as always.
Your best friend,
Dorian
Reading that letter brought a smile to my face and made my trousers feel a little tighter.
The day I kissed a boy for the first time ever.
On Christmas Eve, Jean-Paul and I walked from L’Arc de Triomphe along Les Champs Élysées toward Le Louvre, just like he'd done with his mom countless of times. It had been a beautiful sunny day and not even that cold.
People around us were rushing to finish the last of their Christmas shopping before everything closed. I’d felt a weird kind of electricity in the air, like something was going to happen that would change everything forever.
I remember being unable to take my eyes off Jean-Paul that day. Maybe in hindsight that should have been a giveaway that this strange energy I’d felt had everything to do with his presence.
Chapter Six
Jean-Paul
I heard mom coming back from her shopping and call out to me.
"I'm here Maman."
The
bedroom door was open and she stood by the doorway, crossing her arms and smiling.
"This was always your favorite spot. In front of the window, with Audrey curled up at your feet."
"I miss Audrey, she was a good cat."
Audrey had lived to the ripe old age of fourteen. I'd asked my mom why she never got another cat and she always waved me off saying she didn't want the responsibility again. I wondered if it was because she still felt it was wrong to replace Audrey.
"When do you have to leave?" she asked.
I looked at my watch.
"Two hours. I think I'm going to keep reading these, if that's okay." I looked at the letters spread all around me on the sofa and on the floor. "Somehow it feels just right to be reading these today."
She gave me a knowing look and left me to carry on reading.
24 December 2006
Dorian Charles 345 East 72nd Street, 10021 New York USA
Dear Jean-Paul
Merry Christmas!
I know we will speak on the phone later but I still wanted to write. I will always want to write to you. Somehow it feels less awkward and I always feel braver saying how I feel on paper.
It's been a year since I had the best Christmas of my life, and there isn't a day that I don't think of my trip to Paris, especially Christmas Eve.
Walking the streets of Paris and exploring together will forever be the best Christmas I will ever have. Something really special would have to happen to top last year.
Jean-Paul, I miss you so much. I used to think the letters were enough. We now talk on the phone sometimes and it's still not enough.
I dream of that first kiss when we were in the gardens in front of Le Louvre, and I wish I could go back to that moment again, every day.
I wish you, your mom and Audrey a very merry Christmas.
Your best friend,
Dorian
Our first kiss. It had been so perfect. Unexpected, inexperienced but so perfect.
My heart rate picked up pace as I remembered it all.
We'd bought two chocolate croissants in a café. They were still warm in the bags so we decided to have them in the gardens in front of Le Louvre. There was a grassy area with tall hedges and I knew that sometimes there were iron chairs between the hedges for visitors to enjoy. In the summer it was nice sitting on the grass but not in the winter.
There were a few tourists walking around, but mostly going straight to Le Louvre, probably to finish their Christmas shopping at the mall.
The place we found the two empty green metal chairs was quite secluded. Not that we'd noticed at the time, since we were too busy munching on the chocolate croissants.
I loved the buttery, flaky pastry of a croissant, and with the added chocolate I'd been in food heaven. I hadn't realized I'd closed my eyes to enjoy the flavors until I heard something moving and opened them again.
Dorian had leaned closer toward me in his chair. I couldn't read the expression on his face but his eyes were trained on my mouth. I wondered if I had some chocolate so I licked my lips.
We were standing so close together it felt like there was nothing else around us, no people, no Louvre, no Paris, just us.
He raised his hand like he wanted to touch me but he didn't. His fingers hovered just millimeters away from my lips. I'd closed my eyes, waiting, I didn't know what for.
When our lips met it was soft and slow, like Dorian was trying it for size.
When I opened my eyes I saw he’d put a few inches between us, his eyes on mine. I wasn't sure if he'd liked the kiss or not. I knew I wanted more, but the doubt creeped into me and I suddenly felt cold until Dorian put his hand around my neck and pulled me in for another kiss, this one more demanding, hot, messy and so good.
The memory alone was making me hard. Merde!
Chapter Seven
Dorian
As soon as I saw the date on the next letter I picked up I knew what it was. The first of many that had gone unanswered, and seeing the worst time of my life documented was a painful reminder of what I'd done.
Even before I started reading I had tears streaming down my face. I was powerless to stop them, but I felt I needed to read the letter. To remind myself.
3 October 2007
Jean-Paul Bertram 47 Rue Des Fleurs, 75014 Paris
France
Dear Dorian,
You will never believe the news I have to share with you. I am so excited!
Do you remember I said I was entering a photography competition? The theme was "Things that make you smile."
I didn't know what to photograph so I made a list:
-My mother when she's cooking and singing to herself not knowing I'm listening.
-The change of autumn into winter because Christmas is coming and I love all the colors of Christmas.
-The look in your eyes when you talk about something you are really passionate about, like pizza, or helping others.
-Food!
I figured that the time of the competition was perfect to capture the different shades of orangey-red of the trees in that park we went to when you were last here. The sun was perfect when I got there, and still bright but just low enough to light up and frame the leaves on the trees. It was magical.
My photograph won first prize and will be used on he cover of the magazine. I also won a cash prize and will receive royalties every time the photo is used. This means I'll have enough money to accept the place at the cookery school!!!!
Dorian, I am going to the Cordon Bleu!!
I really wish you were here to celebrate with me. I included a copy of THE photo for you and another photo of my mom and me celebrating.
I look forward to hear from you soon.
You best friend,
Jean-Paul
I went straight to the next one.
2 February 2008
Jean-Paul Bertram 47 Rue Des Fleurs, 75014 Paris
France
Dear Dorian,
I am unsure how to start this letter. You didn't reply to my last two letters. I am worried.
You don't answer the phone either. I don't know if you are sick or if something happened.
We have been writing to each other for nearly 10 years and this is the first time I've hated myself for thinking it was a good idea to keep our correspondence by letter.
"We'll be like those people from the old movies," you said.
"We'll have all the memories written down," you said.
"We'll never be alone for as long as the postman keeps bringing the letters," you said.
Well, you lied! Because I am alone! Where is my best friend?
But you know what? I will keep writing. I will keep sending letters until the day they return back to me. Until then I have to believe that somehow you are getting them and I will remind you that I am still here. I am still your best friend.
With love,
Jean-Paul
My phone rang giving me some respite from the heavy emotions and regret going through me.
"Hi Kat," I answered, seeing my sister's name on the screen.
"Hey Dor. How's it going?"
"Great," I half-lied, "I've got everything ready. Are you at the hotel yet?"
"Yeah just arrived."
"That's great, settle in and call me tomorrow," I said wanting to finish the call. Kat was always too perceptive and I knew she was going to pick up on my mood.
"Dorian." She said with a warning tone in her voice.
I took a deep breath.
"I found a box with the letters I got from Jean-Paul. I was just reading the ones from around the time mom died.
"Oh Dor." I heard the sadness in her voice. She knew how I had handled things back then.
"I couldn't help myself, I had to read them."
"You know how that story ends, Dor, don't let it get you down."
"Thanks Kat. Can't wait to see you after tomorrow. Is Ash with you?"
"He is. Love you big bro."
"Love you too, Kat."
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I had just over one hour before I had to leave so I kept reading.
Chapter Eight
Jean-Paul
I saw it peeking out from a group of letters. It stood out because unlike all the other envelopes, this one didn't look pristine. It was worn out from how many times I'd taken the letter out to read it.
Even after I could recite each word from memory I'd still needed to see the handwriting for myself each time.
I took the letter out carefully and took a deep breath before reading.
20 September 2010
Dorian Charles
345 East 72nd Street,
10021 New York
USA
Dear Jean-Paul
Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote those words. There is so much to explain and I don't even know if I deserve the chance to explain but I'm going to try, and I hope you can forgive my absence once you've read my story.
My mom became suddenly ill shortly after I returned from Paris 3 years ago. We have reason to believe she knew for a while she was unwell, but that she didn't want to worry us.
The day I came home after my college interview I found her on the floor, collapsed.
I took her to hospital and she was there for a month until she died at the end of January. It was the most difficult time in my life.
My brother and sister relied on me for strength while my dad completely checked out from grief.
I should have told you, I should have written back but the reality is that I didn't know how to handle things. I was grieving my mom's death, looking after Kat, Ash and helping my dad.
