Annie closed her eyes, almost wincing at the excited nostalgia in his voice. “The thing is, Sebastian. It was all a lie.”
When she opened them, Sebastian was frowning at her.
“I knew before I came here that summer that my parents wouldn’t allow me to move to France. I asked them before I even wrote to you about the idea. I begged and pleaded with them for weeks, but they were adamant. They said they’d poured thousands into my private education and wouldn’t let me throw it away. They said it would take me too long for my French to get up to scratch and my grades would suffer.” She tried to laugh a little, because if she didn’t she might start crying. “It was all very dramatic.”
Sebastian breathed in slowly and his nostrils flared in a way that Annie hadn’t seen before.
“Sebastian, I—”
“If you knew they wouldn’t allow it, why did you let me believe it might happen? Why did you go along with it all summer? The pretence and the dreaming and all the plans we made?” Sebastian sounded the closest to angry that Annie had ever heard him. And yet, still, he looked as if he wanted to pull her close and kiss her forehead and tell her everything would be okay.
Annie swallowed hard. She had never spoken her reasons out loud before. She’d never even really admitted them to herself before. “Because I wanted it so badly that it was like a physical pain in my belly – every single day. Boarding school in England was miserable. All I wanted was to be here with you. I was sixteen and I was so in love with you. And I just wanted one glorious summer where I could pretend everything was going to be okay.” She was speaking quickly, the subtle scent of the lavender field only just managing to calm her down. “You went through so much when you were younger, Sebastian. And I know my troubles in a silly English boarding school are nothing compared to that, but I was so lonely. And I really did love you. And–”
Sebastian reached out and put his hand on her forearm. “I loved you too.” His eyes were so blue, so perfect... just like they were back then. He smiled and took his hand away, his cheeks dimpling into a gentle smile. “But we were kids, Annie. I don’t blame you for what happened.” He sighed and shook his head. “Sure, okay, maybe you could have handled it better but – my goodness – I did many silly things when I was sixteen.” Sebastian shrugged, as if it was all water under the bridge. “We’re different people now. It’s all in the past.”
Annie blinked at him. All these years, she’d carried around an enormous, heavy boulder of guilt for the way she’d treated Sebastian. But now she’d finally told him the truth, he seemed... okay with it.
“Besides, as you said – if things had happened differently, you wouldn’t have built your amazing life in London.” Sebastian had started walking back towards the farmhouse. Still smiling, still friendly. But not holding her hand.
“Oh, I’m not sure it’s all that amazing.” She wanted to open up to him about Jeremy, and the business, and her doubts about her big city life. But Sebastian nudged her playfully and said, “Of course it is. You made your own business, from scratch. An amazing business. You should be very proud.”
Annie reached up and fumbled for her sunglasses, unsure whether she wanted to wear them because of the glaring mid-day sun or because she didn’t want Sebastian to see her expression. “It’s really not that impressive. I wasn’t alone. Jeremy was there too and, to be honest, none of it would have happened if we hadn’t secured investment when we were starting out.”
“Investment?” Sebastian slid his sunglasses back on too and bent to pick a spring of lavender. He held it under his nose, sniffing it gently.
Annie sighed as the conversation settled into something normal and friendly and very far away from what she’d hoped it would be after she bared her soul to him. “When we started the company, Jeremy and I were working for this huge firm called Fox PR. We’d worked our way up, we were both managing important accounts and we had clients we knew would follow us if we left. But we didn’t have nearly enough money to start things up.” She breathed in slowly, remembering the stress and the excitement and the adrenaline rush she’d felt back then. “We’d been turned down by pretty much every avenue we’d tried. We couldn’t get a big enough loan and investors didn’t want to know.”
“But then you found someone?”
“A silent investor through a small European firm. Without that money, we’d never have even got off the ground.”
“Annie,” Sebastian tutted, “it doesn’t matter whether you had a loan, or an investor, or a genie from a lamp or a fairy Godmother. You still built something incredible. I am very proud of you.”
Annie looked sideways at Sebastian. Very few people had told her they were proud of her, and the compliment felt strangely intimate. “Thank you.”
Again, he shrugged as if it was no big deal. Then, changing the subject, he said, “Okay, have you seen enough lavender?”
Annie smiled. “I don’t think it’s possible to ever see enough of these lavender fields.”
That evening, Annie arrived back at the chateau feeling as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She had told Sebastian the truth and the day had carried on as normal. He hadn’t been angry, or upset. And now, thinking about it, she couldn’t quite believe that she’d expected him to be. This was Sebastian – Seb – always smiling, always looking on the bright side, always seeing the good in people. Of course he wasn’t angry with her for being a confused teenager and making some mistakes fifteen years ago.
But one weight had been replaced by another, less heavy, niggling weight. Because, despite opening up and telling him what had really happened, the rest of the afternoon had continued just like every other afternoon for the past two weeks – completely uneventfully.
They had spoken to the lavender craftswoman about coming to the festival. She had agreed and recommended some friends who would also like to take part. They had stopped by the hospital, updated GiGi, and given her a bouquet of lavender to put beside her bed.
They had collected fresh bread and salad from the village.
And they’d returned to the chateau to make dinner, cooking together and eating together and being normal and friendly.
But sitting opposite Sebastian as the sun was about to set, watching the horizon turn a deep shade of orange and feeling the air finally begin to cool, Annie realised that she didn’t want normal. And she didn’t want friendly.
She wanted Sebastian.
So, when they went back inside to fetch coffee, she told him she’d be right back, bounded up the stairs to her old bedroom and scrabbled under the bed for the memory box she’d found on her first day back. Stroking the lid, she smiled. Now was the time. The time for them to open it up and go through it together.
But when she stepped into the kitchen, before she had a chance to take the box out from behind her back and say, Tah Dah! Sebastian patted her on the arm and said, “I’m sorry, Annie. I have to go. I forgot I have a visitor.”
“A visitor?”
“Oui. I will see you tomorrow, yes?”
Annie opened her mouth to ask if he’d be coming back later, but he was already rushing back towards the front door. And then he was gone. So, she spent the evening alone. And, sitting outside looking up at the clear starry sky, she realised that this was the first night she’d been completely by herself since she’d arrived in Saint-Sabran.
Back in London, Annie was alone pretty much every night. When she returned home from the office, it was just her and the T.V. and a take out meal. Even when she and Jeremy had been dating, all it really meant was that they’d gone out for dinner together, occasionally the theatre. But still, she’d gone home alone every night and woken up alone every morning. She had so much time alone with her own head, and so very little time actually talking to other people.
Somehow, she’d found herself a thirty-year-old woman with a fantastic career but no friends and no family nearby.
And that was how her parents had always been. They weren’t the kind of paren
ts who chatted to Annie and her brother Tommy over dinner each night, who played boardgames and went on family outings. They were the kind who called the boarding school each weekend to check everything was okay and who did their best to organise trips abroad – with a nanny – or summers in France with the grandparents so that they didn’t really have to be around their children.
Her parents loved her, she knew that. But it wasn’t the warm TV advert kind of love that she got from her grandmother. And it wasn’t the kind of love Sebastian had had with his parents when they were alive.
Annie had always thought that the reason Sebastian was so open about his feelings was because he knew just how quickly life could change – he knew that if you wanted someone to know how you felt, you should say it. Just in case you didn’t get another chance.
And being back here with him and spending so much time together over the last few weeks – even if it was just riding on his scooter to the hospital or visiting the market at the weekend – had reminded her why she’d wanted so badly to come and live here when she was younger.
She had wanted the warmness. Not just the physical warmth of the sun, and the laid back feeling that embodied the towns and villages nearby; she’d wanted the warmth that you feel when you have a community of people around you who genuinely care.
And suddenly, washing over her like a tsunami, Annie realised that all this time she had been so very lonely. All this time, she’d cut herself off from France and Sebastian and her grandparents because the contrast was too painful. Because they reminded her too much of what she’d lost.
Standing up, she reached for the memory box and looked down towards Sebastian’s house. Taking a deep breath, she walked down the steps and towards the woods.
She was smiling to herself, with the memory box tucked under her arm, when she caught a glimpse of the old stable. She stopped and took a deep breath. But before she could move forwards, she heard voices. Sebastian’s door opened, and a woman stepped out. A woman with long black hair, cut off jeans, and a beaming smile.
Sebastian kissed her on the cheek. Once, twice, three times, four times. And then they embraced. He wrapped his arms around her.
Annie couldn’t watch. She felt sick to her stomach. She wavered for a moment, looking down at the floor. And then she turned and ran back to the chateau.
19
Annie
The following morning, Annie left the house before Sebastian woke up. She borrowed her grandmother’s car and drove to the hospital. The entire way, she felt as if she was about to career off the side of the road – or into an oncoming vehicle – at any moment. She stalled three times, at busy roundabouts, but finally she made it.
As soon as GiGi saw her, she frowned and pushed herself up on her pillows. “You came alone, Annie?”
Annie sat down and wiggled the keys at her. “Yes, I thought it was about time I got the hang of driving over here.”
GiGi nodded, but didn’t reply, as if she knew that staying quiet would force Annie to keep speaking and tell her what was really going on.
Annie breathed in, then sat back in the plastic hospital chair and scraped her hair back into a loose top-knot. “I didn’t want to speak to him this morning.”
“Have you two had an argument?” GiGi asked, knowingly.
“Not exactly...” Annie fiddled with the keys for a moment, then looked up and said, “GiGi, do you know if Sebastian is dating anyone?”
“You mean if he has a girlfriend?” Her grandmother seemed surprised. “Not that I know of. There was a girl from the village last year, I believe, who he was very close to, but...” She paused and tutted loudly. “Now, Annie. Don’t tell me you’re getting jealous?”
Annie flinched and felt her cheeks start to flush. “No. Not jealous, just... I saw him last night. Late. A woman was leaving the stable. He kissed her on the cheeks and—”
“Well,” GiGi threw up her good hand and rolled her eyes. “We all do that... if cheek-kissing was a sign of being in a relationship then the entire population of Provence would be in serious trouble.”
Annie tried to smile, but then a little quieter she added, “He hugged her too.”
Her grandmother looked at her for a moment, and then laughed. A slow chortling laugh that reminded Annie of a teapot boiling. “Annie, dear. I’m not sure that’s enough to imply she’s his girlfriend. And, besides, even if she is... what’s wrong with that?”
GiGi was challenging Annie to be honest about her feelings, but she wasn’t ready. She couldn’t say it out loud. “Nothing, I suppose.”
Her grandmother sighed and patted the edge of the bed. Annie moved over and sat beside her. “Annie, do you know why I never told you what Sebastian was up to all these years? Why I didn’t keep you informed, tell you he was still living here and training as a carpenter? Or that he’d got his first job, his first car, started his own business...?”
Annie shook her head.
“Because you can’t have your cake and eat it.”
Annie frowned.
Kindly, GiGi said, “You broke his heart, Annie. He had very little joy in his life after his parents died, and then he moved here to live with his aunt and he met you. This scrawny, shy, blonde little thing from England. And you changed everything for him. Every summer he was more and more excited for your arrival. And then you told him you were coming to live here, and I could see it in his face – it was all of his dreams come true.” GiGi sighed and shook her head. “I probably should have said something myself. I thought it was out of character for your parents to have agreed, but I suppose I liked seeing you both so happy.”
Annie could feel tears threatening the back of her eyes. “It wasn’t your fault, GiGi. I wanted it to be true so badly. But I broke his heart because I left.”
“Not just because you left. You left without an explanation. You left and you never spoke to him again. And you stayed away for fifteen years.”
Annie wiped a tear from her cheek and hung her head.
Her grandmother squeezed her hand. “I know that you didn’t write or visit or call for all those years because you were heart broken too.” She breathed in and looked Annie very carefully in the eyes. “But you still left. So, it wouldn’t have been fair for me to tell you about Sebastian’s life. Do you see?”
Annie wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Yes.”
“And if Sebastian does have a girlfriend...”
“Then I have no right to be upset about it?”
GiGi shrugged. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t be upset. But Sebastian has a big heart, Annie. And he still cares for you deeply.”
“So, you’re saying that I shouldn’t tell him how I feel?”
“Oh no, of course you should tell him.” GiGi’s expression was resolute. “But only if you’re certain... are you certain, Annie?”
Annie opened her mouth to answer. But nothing came out. Was she certain? Or was being back in Provence making her feel things that weren’t really there? If she went back to England, back to London and the business and Jeremy, would she forget about Sebastian? Or would she be heart-broken all over again?
Despite the fact she’d spent her first two weeks back in Provence telling herself that she had no choice, that there was no way she and Sebastian could be together even if they wanted to be, in reality there was no one stopping her from leaving England. If she really wanted to, she could make it happen. She could fly back and forth for work, run the business via email and Skype. Jeremy would never let her quit, but maybe she could take a step back and hire someone to take her place…?
But what if she told Sebastian that she didn’t want to leave and, instead of wrapping his arms around her and begging her to stay, he told her to go? What if she cut all ties with London and things didn’t work out? What if their romance was simply meant to stay in the past?
20
Sebastian
As Marguerite walked back up the path towards the chateau, Sebastian turned and smiled to himself
. Finally, he could finish the project he’d been working on for over fifteen years. Finally, he could finish the gift that he’d begun making for Annie when they were sixteen years old…. after their first – and only – kiss in the storm.
He had started working on it again just after she arrived. It had stood in the corner of his workshop ever since he’d moved into the old stable. Many times, he had looked at it and contemplated finishing it. He never had. But when he went back to the stable that first night, after they walked through the woods together, he’d experienced the overwhelming need to complete it.
At first, he thought he was just doing it because it was a nice gesture or because it would enable him to show her how talented he was. But now he knew that wasn’t the reason – he knew he was doing it because he wanted to show Annie what she meant to him. He needed a gesture. A big gesture. And even after finding out that she had lied to him, that there had never been any possibility of her moving to France, his feelings hadn’t changed.
If anything, they had grown stronger.
For so long, he thought that Annie had abandoned him because she didn’t feel as strongly as he did. Because she didn’t love him as much as he loved her. Because she changed her mind and decided she would be better off without him.
But that wasn’t what happened – Annie cut him out of her life because she loved him too much. She lied about moving to France because she wanted it so badly. And she had been feeling guilty about it ever since.
At first, when she told him, standing there in the middle of a field of lavender and looking unbelievably beautiful in a long white dress, Sebastian had felt angry. He’d remembered all the times they had talked about what would happen when she moved in with her grandparents and how excited she was to leave her dreadful boarding school. They’d even talked about how she had managed to persuade her parents to allow it. But all of those conversations had been nothing more than make-believe. All that time, Annie knew it wasn’t really going to happen. But she didn’t say anything.
The True Love Travels Series Box Set Page 36
