“Fuck!” June repeated, clenching both his fists. Growing panic. “Fuck me.”
“Yeah! I’m gonna!” Aaron stuck his leg out and kicked June lightly.
June smacked his foot away and sank farther into the cushion. This was what he deserved, he supposed. Probably karma for being a dick in the past. He could feel his nerves bunching up and coiling inside of him.
“I’m gonna need time to prep,” he muttered under his breath. “Give me…a few days.”
“Okay.” Aaron lurched upright then, caught June’s face between his hands and kissed him hard. Their noses squished together, and their teeth clicked. “Thanks, babe.” He smiled, breathless, and winked.
He was definitely starting to take after June.
June wasn’t prepared.
Well, physically, he might be okay, but mentally, he was not prepared. The more time that separated him from losing his virginity, the more he was beginning to panic. Aaron was painfully and blissfully unaware of the inner turmoil June felt and was waltzing about the cabin in a cheerful mood. Whistling or singing along to the radio when it was on. Leaning over June to kiss the top of his head or the back of his neck. Playing with Quail and making June’s heart melt. Stupid Valentine.
June took advantage of his seldom minutes alone to do things he’d only done to himself in the privacy of his bedroom before. Leaned against the tile bathroom wall and reached back to slip his fingers into himself; focused on the feeling and what he liked more than what he disliked. He pictured Aaron’s hands on his body. Imagined the shape of him pressed against him and what it would take to make him moan. June imagined himself on his knees, the weight of Aaron keeping him down and a hot breath in his ear. He imagined himself riding on top, hands gripping the headboard and hips rolling. He imagined himself on his back. Legs wrapped tight against Aaron’s waist and nothing between them but a layer of sweat.
Most of all, he imagined making an idiot of himself because he had no experience getting (literally) fucked.
Two days after he lost at rock, paper, scissors, he confronted Angie about the ordeal and let her rational, merry attitude soothe him. She’d said he was overthinking things. That he would be fine so long as they communicated and took it slow. She told June she had total faith in Aaron to be gentle, and that if he kept worrying over it, he was only going to make the experience worse for himself. Something about comparing it to a wedding. Not to focus on the event, but rather the relationship that would ensue afterward. June hated the analogy, but it made sense.
It would only take once anyway. As soon as Aaron got it out of his system, then he would let June turn around do the same to him. June was a lot more confident about that part.
His biggest ally in this whole situation was the fact that he had gotten Aaron used to wearing the blindfold, and he was sure this time he could get Aaron to keep it on for a little while. Which wasn’t to suggest June was embarrassed about being seen during sex or whatever preparations it would take to get to sex, but it did make things a little more interesting.
June’s plan to curve Aaron’s fear of the dark was in motion, and with each passing day, he could sense the boy getting closer to the end. They had a mere three(ish) weeks of summer left, and while June refused to think about what would happen to them afterward, he knew his time was limited. If Aaron went back to Portland with even a shred of doubt over his fear, it would undoubtedly snowball back regardless of his progress. June didn’t know the ins and outs of phobias, but he assumed this particular one was more of a mental block for Aaron, rather than a logical one.
He wasn’t afraid of the dark; his body was just trained to react to the dark because of how long he’d convinced himself he was afraid. June was trying to untrain him without letting him know that was the goal. If Aaron knew, he would subconsciously shut the idea down before it ever had a chance of working.
June hoped, with a little good incentive, Aaron would come around.
It was dark tonight. Darker than many nights on this side of the mountain. The moon was a careful, white splinter surrounded by a sea of stars. June closed the blinds in the bedroom and shut every light off to engulf himself in it while he could. Aaron was showering in the hallway bathroom, and it hadn’t occurred to June until now, how much he missed the darkness. Sleeping every night with a bathroom or hallway light on was fine, but it didn’t satisfy him as much as the way his eyes felt adjusting. Unable to make out the shapes of anything besides the line under the bedroom door left June’s senses heightened. The coolness of the fan blowing above him, the way the sheets felt against his bare body, the sounds of Aaron’s shower separated by an adjacent wall. All of it. He wanted to submerge himself in it.
June turned on his side in the bed and crossed one leg slightly over the other, twisted his shoulder back and stretched as best he could. He turned the other way and did the same until his hips popped. Ran his hands through his hair and took a few calming breaths before he heard the water shut off. Reached into the nightstand and snagged the lube and condoms. Hid them under his pillow.
Typically, the bedroom door wasn’t shut all the way, and so once Aaron was out of the bathroom, he must have hesitated. June heard a very faint knock before the knob turned, and the back-lit silhouette of Aaron peeped in.
“Is there a reason you closed the door?”
“Go put your mask on,” June whispered, voice thick and sultry as he could make it. He knew Aaron had to be expecting this soon, but he still hoped he had some element of surprise. He couldn’t see his eyes from this angle, but the silence was reassuring.
Aaron vanished without question, and June felt himself start to give into the anticipation. His face and stomach felt hotter now. The pads of his fingers slid against the bed anxiously. He waited until he heard Aaron’s footsteps again before speaking.
“If you feel comfortable, could you turn the hall light off?”
A short pause.
“You want…both the mask and the light off?”
“Only if you’re okay with that.”
The contentment in the air seemed to fizzle out into something more pressing. Something warmer, building like friction between them. Aaron was considering it, and June wanted the decision to be his own despite his preferences. He’d told June before that he could navigate his own home in the dark without any problems—maybe the cabin was home enough now too?
“Don’t judge me if I start to panic,” Aaron hissed, pulled the mask over his eyes and then flipped the light.
In June’s opinion, the darkness around them was sickly sweet and laced with suspense. He turned over to meet Aaron as he crawled up the foot of the bed. Gripped him immediately by the side and pulled him down, halfway on top of June and halfway into the sheets. He could feel the heartbeat in his chest—not quite a gallop but quicker than it should be.
June didn’t know exactly how Aaron was feeling, but he knew talking about it wasn’t the solution. June was rather bad at it. However, he could lend a hand in being distracting, which had helped in the past.
He felt his way up Aaron’s shoulder with his lips and kissed at his neck slowly. Raked his teeth against the space just below his ear and breathed in a deep, low sigh. Their cheeks brushed together softly; their hands wandered to familiar areas by memory alone. Aaron stopped along the scar running under June’s pectoral, traced it with his thumb back to his ribs and then forward again. June shivered; his lips placed just at the corner of Aaron’s mouth where he could feel each syllable rather than hear them.
June barely uttered the words I love you, and Aaron echoed them back slightly louder. It was the first time he’d said them and June hadn’t known he’d needed to hear them until now.
When they kissed, it was familiar and slow, less like the thrilling electricity that had jolted them before, and more like the depths of an ocean. Deeper, heavier, stronger. He felt as if layers of his heart were coming undone. Peeling off thin, delicate petals of pink and red. Falling like the leaves off the maple t
ree in the yard. He felt the earth shifting beneath him. A pulse of feelings he never knew existed opened a cavern where the icy wall used to stand. He fell right the fuck into it. Found that at the bottom there was nothing but a slew of his recently forgotten confidence, heartache, and endless devotion.
Aaron caught both of June’s wrists in his hands and pushed him farther to his back. Swung a leg over his hips and straddled him there, chest exposed; helpless, breathless and hot. He tilted his mouth down and bit the silver cartilage piercings in June’s left ear, which made him gasp and cuss. Aaron’s chest rose with a sound, sort of habitual, and sort of desperate at the same time. The way his groin felt and his rubbed thick against June’s own. Nothing but a single layer of soft cotton between them.
“L-Let me take the mask off,” Aaron said it more as a statement than a request.
June struggled beneath him until his wrists were released. He reached up and slipped his fingertips under the elastic bands above Aaron’s ears; peeled it away from his eyes and tossed it across the room.
“I can’t see you.” Aaron’s breath caught in his throat.
“But I’m here,” June whispered, cupping his jaw. He leaned up to catch Aaron’s lip between his teeth and used it to pull him down into another bout of tongue and taste and chests bumping. He felt the length of Aaron’s torso, headed to his boxers and shimmied them down from each side. Aaron hissed when the material caught on his cock and then hurried to help June the rest of the way.
“We’re gonna do this?” Aaron asked at the same time June reached behind his head and felt around for the lube under the pillow.
“We’re gonna do this,” June agreed, breathless; tapping the bottle against Aaron’s elbow. “Fingers first. I’ll tell you when it’s time.”
June was seven sins of insatiable lust and nine layers of wicked desire that Aaron couldn’t keep up with.
He started on his back, quiet and controlled until Aaron found a spot inside of him that made him arch and gasp. It was frightening at first. Even in the dark, Aaron swore he could see June’s eyes flash. Some kind of wildfire-ignition racing up his spine and releasing billowing, disorienting smoke that would choke and gag them if they weren’t careful. It was like the flip of a switch; how quickly June transformed into a hungry vixen before him. Writhing more, kissing Aaron senseless and encouraging his fingers to go deeper and harder. He spread his legs, dug his heels into the bed, whined. Then, suddenly, he was flipping them over. Gasping and trembling and drooling until Aaron was lightheaded.
June sucked Aaron’s cock until it raged; ripped into the gold foil of a condom with his teeth and feverishly rolled it down to the base. He didn’t take his time lining himself up, settling himself down, or planting both his hands beside Aaron’s head to brace against the feeling.
And then he was in.
Aaron was inside June.
All he could feel was heat and pressure and maybe a heartbeat. Maybe two.
June started to move and holyshit he was licking Aaron’s skin and ohgod his thighs spread farther apart and fuck he rolled his hips forward and back again. Came up and came down, gasped, sank his fingernails into Aaron’s chest and found the strength to ride like a goddamn jockey on a racehorse. Didn’t slow until his whole body quivered with pleasure.
Aaron had no sense of time or space or reality. He had no idea how long he could stand this or how many filthy things would come out of his mouth in the meantime, but he let June go until he was dripping sweat onto Aaron’s stomach. Months, maybe even years of pent up feelings wept before them. Every breath and every second stripped away their defenses until there was nothing left but each other. Raw. And hopeless.
Aaron wrapped him up and manhandled him back into the bed. They disconnected, then connected again with more passion. Swapped initiative so June could have a break while Aaron gripped the top of the headboard for leverage. He saw stars and walls spinning and somewhere in between, discovered that his name sounded angelic on June’s tongue.
They fucked three times that night; each one in a different position or speed or level of desperation they’d never felt before. Aaron carelessly disregarded the condoms after the second time, but that only further encouraged euphoria to burn. He remembered hands and skin and angry hickies. He remembered the way the bed moved and shifted and how they’d almost fallen off it. He remembered feeling so incredibly full that there was no room for trivial things such as fear. He remembered the dark, and how, for the first time in a long time, he embraced it.
June never once asked to be on top, and by the end of it, Aaron was convinced he never would.
They slept for a mere hour or so before the sun began to rise, and then shifted awake to attempt a fourth session. It was different this time because they could see each other’s facial expressions. Could see the scratches and the bruises that had formed over their skin and the blatant, devastating adulation in each other’s eyes. Aaron didn’t fully understand what changed between them at that moment, but when love became stronger than lust, June crumbled.
Overwhelmed, he broke like dawn did over the mountain; quickly, unexpectedly engulfing everything he could reach in streams of muted light. Hot tears and broken sobs erupted from his chest like the bursting of a dam. Blue eyes rimmed with red and shiny from feelings of anguish washing through him like a summer storm.
In the back of Aaron’s mind, he thought there was probably a psychological reason why June reacted the way he did. It wasn’t unheard of—for people to cry after having sex—but it was unusual. Especially for someone as proud and wily as June. It was also unusual that he made no attempts to collect himself, even while Aaron set aside his confusion and made a fast attempt to comfort him. He rubbed June’s back, kissed his face, and wrapped them in the blankets even though it was too hot for such things. Nothing worked. Nothing was said between them. And later, after the storm passed, they’d act as though it never happened.
Aaron waited out the pitiful succumb to heartache that bridged the two of them together, and in the end, found it beautiful nonetheless.
18
Good Riddance (Time of your Life)
It was dark. Not dark in the way that the corners of the cabin were dark with shadows, or the way the bedroom was dark when June closed the door, but in a real way. The pitch black of the night crawling down from the sky and blurring everything into a muted, deep haze, kind of way. The cracked pavement faded into dry grass swaying in the breeze, and beyond it, there was a wall of pines that surrounded the meadow from the rest of the thick, overgrown forest.
The sky was a blanket of stars.
Aaron could hardly believe he was doing this. If you’d have told him several months ago that he would be standing in the middle of the road at one in the morning, nothing but a distant streetlamp and flashlight to light his path, he’d have laughed and rolled his eyes. Maybe even felt the pull of tension in his stomach, simply at the idea.
He would never have believed that he would feel…okay. Not necessarily comfortable, but certainly not overwhelmed. He would never have believed that with all the years of childhood therapy behind him, the resignation with his phobia, and the content of his own, boring life, that he could do this. Up until recently, he hadn’t even really wanted to do this.
June spent the last week testing Aaron. Making them stay later by the lake with Charlie and Angie, convincing him to come outside at night with the promise of cuddling on a blanket in the front lawn, and then telling him that sure they could flood the yard for the maple tree—only if he did it in the middle of the night. Little by little, they’d chipped away at the worst of Aaron’s anxiety, slowly letting confidence bloom in its place. June gave him choices when he was most uncertain—wear the blindfold or turn the lights off—and he gave him encouragement when he was doing well. It was the most interactive and environmental kind of therapy he’d ever had, and amazingly enough, he responded to it well.
No one would have ever guessed it would only take some hot-head
ed, mildly delinquent, dying teenage boy to reach down and pull the fear straight out of Aaron’s soul.
He looked up at the night sky and squeezed June’s hand; swung their arms together and continued a little farther from the cabin.
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
June shot him a sly, proud look. Licked his lower lip and gave an affectionate nudge. “You worked hard for it.”
Aaron knew that wasn’t true. He hadn’t really done anything, aside from listening to what June told him. He’d worn a blindfold and had a lot of sex. That was it. And even now he still had no idea what significance the blindfold even had over him. June wouldn’t tell him. Not when he’d begged to know, not when he’d started showing serious improvements, not now and not ever. As far as he was concerned, Aaron had no business understanding the methods to his madness. As far as Aaron was concerned, June was the madness.
They had two weeks left of August, and without actually sitting down and talking about when they would part ways, Aaron still knew September would bring everything to a skidding, squealing halt. He’d be lying to himself if he thought he was ready for that day; ready to go back to Portland, ready to look for a new job…ready to be alone.
There were so many things he wanted to talk to June about; some a lot simpler than others. And yet he could never find the right time to bring them up. He hid behind his promise of keeping quiet about June’s cancer. Never took a chance to see just how far he could push before June would break down and let him in. Never asked if he would be seeing a doctor once he got back home, if he would start taking medicine again, or if he’d lost all hope in general. Aaron didn’t ask, partially because he knew it would hurt June, but mostly because he knew it would hurt him. The truth was a violent thing sometimes.
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