Sam took the meat into her mouth, her lips lingering on Annie’s fingers. With the salty taste still fresh in her mouth, Sam needed more. She wanted to consume it all—the Gouda cheese, the pork dumplings, the mixed greens and balsamic salad, the crab-stuffed mushrooms. She sucked the blue cheese from an olive; then she savored melted brie and bread. Before she swallowed the cheese, she popped another olive in her mouth, the two flavors together causing her to want more. She stuffed heaps of food into her mouth—salad, stuffed mushrooms, French bread, potstickers. She hadn’t eaten this much food in weeks. Be it stale sunflower seeds and Power Bars while guarding the beach or bland hospital food when visiting Robert, Sam hadn’t felt full or satisfied in a long time.
Sam popped another mushroom in her mouth and savored the flavor explosion on her tongue. Then she took another sip of Rombauer, the creamy taste melting in her mouth. The wine and the exhaustion of sitting vigil in the hospital for so many hours caused Sam’s muscles to weaken even more. “We could eat off this for days. So, if you do stay here—”
“Not if,” Annie said and scooted closer as her knees brushed against Sam’s thigh.
“Okay, well, I was going to say, maybe it’s best we stay in the barn. It’s more roomy in there...for the two of us. Will you have your gun with you at all times?”
“Yup, got my Glock on me now,” she said and patted her right hip where she always kept her weapon when off duty. She topped off Sam’s wine and poured herself more as well.
“What about Marsha? Is she in on your little plan to guard me?”
Annie studied the glass in her hand before responding. She cleared her throat and took another sip of Chardonnay. “I haven’t told her all the details except to say I’m on assignment, so to speak. She knows I’m protecting you. I can’t lie to her about that. She hasn’t said much, but really, she has no choice but to let me do this.”
After she took another sip of wine, Sam glanced at all the candles, touched that Annie had gone to so much trouble to surprise her with all of this. There must’ve been at least thirty candles displayed around the perimeter of the porch. “I always liked when I came home to this. You always knew how to make a bad day better. I sometimes...miss this sort of thing.” She reached for a mushroom and plopped it in her mouth. She used her tongue to lick the crab from each and every crevice. With the wine in her system, she felt the muscles in her neck and shoulders melt. “But, Mississippi seems to suit you well. Secure job, stable relationship, a growing retirement account. What more could a woman ask for?”
Sam took another long gulp of Chardonnay then staggered over to the banister. She peered into the darkened yard—seeing nothing but the black shadows of trees and shrubs along the creek. She heard the trickle of water as it made its descent downstream.
“I guess Mississippi does suit me well, but...you know San Diego wasn’t right for me,” Annie said and approached the railing where Sam stood.
“What wasn’t right for you? Did the perfect Southern California climate not suit you? Do you prefer the humid summers here in Southern Mississippi?” She waved an arm out toward the dark yard then took another sip of wine.
Annie stepped closer to Sam and gripped a hand on her shoulder. She took the glass from her and set it on the railing a couple feet away. “Sam, let’s just enjoy the food, okay? You’ve had a rough day. I did all this to help you relax for once.”
Sam faced Annie then rested her butt on the railing as she folded her arms and stared at the mound of food nearby. Sam felt herself getting more and more agitated. “What do you mean, for once? You think I’m tense? You think I don’t know how to relax?”
“Babe, please. Let’s just enjoy ourselves.”
“I’ve had wine, I’m plenty relaxed. You got our favorite, Rommmbauuuer,” Sam said, her words slurring as the alcohol hit her even more. “I’m feeling pretty darned relaxed now. How about you? You liquored up enough to feel relaxed?”
“Sam, come on. How about we get some more food in you?”
“What’s this all about anyway? You got my favorite foods. You brought over this bottle of Rombauer that you’d saved for weeks. What’s going on? And what’s with babe? I haven’t been your babe since last year. You call Marsha babe? Or do you have some other pet name for her? Sweetheart? Darling? Or something a bit less tender for someone like Marsha?”
“For God’s sake, Sam, what’s gotten into you? You know Marsha and I are not...well, she’s never been the romantic type. I guess I can’t help it when I still call you babe. I never...well, if you really want to know the truth, I never stopped loving you when I left San Diego. But we both knew that breaking up was the right thing for both of us.”
“I know, I know. There’s no need to dredge up all of that again. We’ve both moved on. You’re with Marsha now. You two are the epitome of true love, right? Besides, I’m dating around. Got myself a young hot one now. Anyway, we knew it was more practical for you to be back here. That’s my Annie, practical as ever.” Sam’s head by now was spinning. She’d forgotten how strong Rombauer was. It always gave her a good buzz even before she finished her first serving. But her head was clear enough to take in what Annie had said—that she never stopped loving her. For a flash few seconds, Sam thought about how different her life might’ve been had Annie never left her, but just as fast as that thought entered her mind, reality set in when she thought about how she had a chance at something new and exciting with Kim.
“I guess if we’re talking about all of this, I might as well say—”
“Annie, no need to bring up any of that old shit. We’ve moved on, right? We should be grateful it was such an amicable break-up. I always thought we were good at being exes.”
“Yeah, that we are. Never had such a good ex relationship as this one. But Sam, I need to tell you something. See, when I moved back here, it wasn’t just to be closer to my parents or to go back to the police department here. There was another reason I left San Diego. Well, the main reason why I left.”
“Then, what? Why’d you leave sunny California? Do tell. Was it because of Marsha? You figured you’d have someone with a stable pension and enough income to make a house payment here instead of in San Diego? Was my lifeguarding income each summer not enough for me to contribute to our partnership?”
“I don’t care about how much my partner makes. That never mattered to me. I love that you’re a lifeguard. You’re so...so passionate about it, and I’ve always loved that about you.”
“Then what are you trying to say? Why’d you leave San Diego?”
“When I left you, I wasn’t...fully honest with you, but I didn’t exactly lie to you.”
“Lieutenant Wright oughta know that not disclosing the full truth is the same as lying.” She gripped the banister, her knuckles whitening the more Annie talked.
“I didn’t want tonight to get like this. I hadn’t even intended to say any of this to you, but now that it’s out in the open, I might as well be honest with you. It’s about time we talked about this. In all the years we were together, it always seemed like...no matter how close we got physically, you always seemed miles away emotionally. Well, and even sometimes you pulled away physically.”
“What are you trying to say? Is Marsha your rock-solid partner? You two having mind-blowing sex every night of the week? Is she your dream woman?”
“No, she’s not. Far from it. But she’s genuine. She never hides what she’s feeling. Shit, at least she knows what she’s feeling, but I need to tell you that Marsha and I aren’t exactly—”
“You’re saying I don’t know what I’m feeling? Did I not sob in your arms that morning on the bridge where Robert’s truck went into the river? Do you not recall that you held me as I cried that one night when—”
“Sam, with all that’s happened to Robert, I see that you’re upset, you’re sad, you’re angry. I see that. But, with us, it was an intimacy thing.”
“Seriously? You’re bringing that up now? With my brother in the
hospital barely alive, you’re gonna bring up our sex life?”
“I don’t just mean sex. I mean, intimacy. Real close, loving intimacy.”
“So, Marsha provides that for you. I get it.”
“Forget I brought any of this up. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Too late to take it back, don’t you think? Go ahead, say what you want to say. Tell me all about my intimacy issues.”
“I wouldn’t go so far as to call it intimacy issues.”
“For God’s sake, Annie. Just now you told me that it was an intimacy thing. How is that not an intimacy issue?” Sam couldn’t believe Annie was bringing all of this up right now—tonight, of all nights.
“This is going to sound wild, but I actually feel closer to you now than I ever did when we were a couple. Robert’s accident has...well, it’s opened you up in ways I never saw before. When we were together, it’s like you always kind of kept me at arm’s length. But, I think I get it. Things are making sense now.”
“Well, you always were great at detective work. Lieutenant Wright, doing her job as usual.”
“Just hear me out, okay? I’m starting to comprehend what that eight-year-old Sam experienced back then with those men. It all started to make sense a few days ago when I first started digging around to find out what happened, but what you told me helps me understand you more.”
“There you go again, figuring things out as usual. That’s my Annie, able to profile me even when off duty. Maybe you’ll get promoted to captain soon enough.”
“Sam, I just care about you is all. You experienced a traumatic event and haven’t ever really dealt with it. Maybe if you—”
“Annie, I get it. What you’ve told me tonight has been pretty enlightening. You didn’t leave San Diego because you hadn’t advanced in the police department there or to be here to take care of your parents. You left me. You left me because I couldn’t—”
“It was wrong of me to not be totally honest with you as to why I left you, but after we broke up, I guess I always sort of hoped you’d become more...well, more intimate on a deeper level. You started to see that psychiatrist, but I think it was only to get your meds filled. Might help for you to talk to someone about all this. Maybe see a therapist? It might be healthy for you to work through some things.”
Sam shook her head and glanced over at her glass of wine sitting on the banister. If she hadn’t ever told Annie about the details of what the Patterson brothers did to her, why would she tell it to a therapist—some stranger who was getting paid a hundred and fifty bucks an hour to sit there and listen to patients dredge up shit from the past? Sam didn’t want to talk about any of this, but she couldn’t get around avoiding Annie’s interrogating questions. Frustrated and exhausted, Sam closed her eyes for a moment and tried to find the words to appease Annie. “Work through what?” she finally said and waved her arms in the air. “My lack of intimacy with you?”
“I didn’t say lack of intimacy. I just mean, you only went so far emotionally when we were...together.”
Sam recalled the time she was with Kim and how the sex got hot and heavy—way sexier than she’d ever experienced with Annie. She wouldn’t necessarily call it making love, but their time together was definitely intimate. Sam couldn’t get enough of Kim that night. She wanted to explore every inch of her with her hands and her lips. She wanted to taste her and feel her bare skin against hers. But here she was, miles away in Mississippi with her ex while Kim was preparing to drive up to Mammoth for the hundred miler with Adrianna and a bunch of other fit, young women.
“Annie, it’s kinda weird to bring up all this stuff from the past, don’t you think? We’re friends now. Good friends. It’s interesting to hear you tell me why you left San Diego. I mean, the real reason, but...why bring it up now?”
Annie stepped closer to Sam and clutched her hand around her wrist. “I feel like you need to work through the trauma you experienced when you were a kid. That innocent little girl couldn’t...fight back when Fred, Chuck, and Johnny assaulted her.”
Sam’s body went rigid at the mention of those three names. She felt in her pocket for one of her pills, but she remembered she’d left the bottle in her backpack. By now she was trembling. All she wanted to do right now was finish that wine, go inside, and watch TV with Mama—and not talk about any of this.
Annie stepped closer to Sam. “It’s obvious what those men did to you. Sam, honey, I’ve worked with enough sexual assault victims to recognize—”
“Annie, they didn’t...actually assault me. It’s not like I was...raped.”
“I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know you were violated in some way.”
“Is it that obvious? Am I damaged goods to you?”
“Sam, you are not damaged goods,” Annie said and took Sam’s hand. “Far from it. You’re one of the most special people I know. I knew this right when I met you.”
Sam released her hand from Annie’s and pressed her palms on the banister as she faced the dark yard. A cool autumn breeze chilled her skin, causing her to shiver. The faces of those three men flashed in her mind—the images she worked hard at erasing all these years now appearing so vividly to her.
“I know if Robert hadn’t...well, if he hadn’t saved me,” Sam said quietly and trembled, “I’m not sure I’d still be here to talk about this with you. Those men were so creepy, especially Fred. He was the one who...pulled off my underwear.” She heard Annie gasp quietly when she said this. The words exited Sam’s mouth in a monotone voice, as if she were reading a script. “They each touched me but not in any sort of violating way. Johnny ran a finger along my chest, and Chuck put his hand on my leg up by my knee. Chuck at one point touched the front of my dress...down by my crotch. That’s all they did. Not all that violating, really.”
“Sam, you were only eight. They were grown men, strangers. Any touching was inappropriate. I know you don’t want to acknowledge that they...violated you, but they did. You were a helpless child.”
“Robert protected me from Chuck, that’s for sure, but then when Fred was...on top of me—”
“Oh, my God. Those men were monsters. Robert had every right to do what he did. I’m surprised he didn’t...kill the others.”
“When Fred was on top of me, that’s when someone shot and killed him. I’m sure Johnny would have...violated me, but the gunshots were enough to scare him off. Annie, that was a long time ago. In my own way, I’ve learned to live with the trauma. I’m an adult, not some helpless little kid. You do your work and get that asshole behind bars, and all of this will once and for all be behind me.” Sam reached for her wine then stepped toward the table and glanced at the surplus of food.
“I’ve always felt protective of you,” Annie said. “Even when we first met, I had this overwhelming need to protect you. I still feel that way, even now as you’re telling me about what they did to you.”
“Annie, please, I don’t want to talk about this anymore, okay? Just let it go, will ya?”
“Babe, I’m just trying to—”
“I know you mean well, but please, just leave it for now. Sometimes you...well, you over-talk things. I get that you care about me, but right now I’d just like to enjoy this food.” Sam took a fork and stabbed a piece of prosciutto, the salty taste melting in her mouth. Then she savored a mouthful of brie and followed that with another sip of wine. “You did well tonight...with all this food. I’m glad you’re with me right now...and that you’ll be staying here for a while. I guess I really don’t mind that you’re so protective of me. It’s something I missed right away after we broke up. After you left San Diego, I learned to move on because I figured it was best for both of us. To get through the break-up, I even reasoned that you being thirteen years older would have never worked out in the long run.”
“Hey now, throwing out the age card, are you?” Annie said and laughed as she chewed on an olive. “Well, twelve years and ten months older if you want to get technical.”
&
nbsp; “Heck, you’ll probably be retiring from the police department just as I’m graduating from medical school or...being promoted to top lieutenant for the San Diego Lifeguards.”
“Then you could have supported me in my retirement years. A doctor’s wife. Now, that would’ve been nice. Or the wife of the head of the San Diego Lifeguards.”
“Wife? That boat sailed a long time ago when you left San Diego.” Sam paced to the other end of the porch and listened to the slow trickle of water from the creek. She thrummed her fingers on the railing and took a deep breath and felt her body finally relaxing. “We’re fighting like an old married couple.”
“Old? Forty-five is hardly old. And married? You said that ship sailed a long time ago. Well, I know we can’t kiss and make up like old times, but how about we hug and make up?”
“You sure know how to kill a girl’s buzz.” Sam pressed her body against Annie’s and felt the hard bulge of Annie’s pistol against her hip—the weapon a stark reminder of her proposal to protect her until Johnny was found. “You know, I don’t mind that you still call me babe. Always did like the sound of that. Just don’t ever let Marsha hear you call me that.”
“Sam, she and I are not...well, not exactly together,” Annie said and pulled away from the hug. “We live together, and I suppose we’re not completely broken up. But in my heart, it’s over. Hell, it was over when we were young. It was ridiculous that we felt we could rekindle any sort of romance twenty years later.”
“So, you being here protecting me probably isn’t all that upsetting to her?”
“I wouldn’t go so far as to say that, but like I said, she has no say in this matter.”
“You know, if you’d asked me to marry you years ago, I might’ve said yes.” Sam laughed then pushed herself away from the railing and took another sip of Chardonnay.
“What do you mean, you might have said yes? I would’ve proposed in style. Maybe a walk on the beach at sunset, the ring in my pocket, rose petals strewn across the sand, ‘I love you, Sam’ written in the sand.”
Saving Sam Page 21
