‘Na, don’t believe in feeding dogs from the table.’
‘You greedy sod. I can’t believe how much you can pack away. You must have worms.’
Auntie Bridget watches them and rolls her eyes at me. ‘Okay, if you won’t have your nails done, I’ll do your makeup for you.’
‘Thanks, Auntie Bridget, but I don’t wear makeup.’
Auntie Bridget gives a great big sigh. ‘Just a touch of mascara, bit of lip gloss, a little blusher maybe?’
She’s trying so hard to please me I feel mean for not letting her.
‘Okay,’ I say, ‘Maybe just a little.’
Auntie Bridget claps her hands in delight. ‘You won’t regret it, you’ll be the belle of the ball.’
‘It’s a gig night in a grotty pub not a bleeding prom.’
Auntie Bridget gives Uncle Ralph a withering look.
‘Surprised they’re letting you kids in anyway,’ he goes on. ‘You’re not eighteen yet so how come you’re allowed in a boozer?’
‘Don’t be so thick, Ralph. As long as they don’t drink any alcohol they’re allowed in where the bands play,’ says Bridget as she turns to me. ‘You’re not going to drink any alcohol are you my pet?’
‘Of course not,’ I say. ‘I don’t even like the taste of it.’
Auntie Bridget smiles approvingly.
Uncle Ralph rams the last of the burger into his mouth and takes a slurp of tea.
‘Banging burgers, Robbie. Got any more?’
‘You’re joking, aren’t you?’ Dad is astounded. ‘I could only eat one they were so big. Where do you even put it? There’s nothing of you, you’re like a rake.’
‘Dunno, ever since I gave up smoking I can’t stop eating but I don’t seem to put any weight on. Probably ‘cos I’m always on the go.’
Auntie Bridget snorts. ‘On the go? Don’t make me laugh, you couldn’t move any slower if you tried.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
I slip away from the table unnoticed and leave them to their bickering to go upstairs to get ready. As I walk up the stairs, I can hear their voices getting louder and Dad shouting at them to pack it in.
I stand under the shower and let the water flow over me as I think back over the last couple of days.
I feel embarrassed when I remember how I told Adam that I wouldn’t continue with the counselling if he wouldn’t be my counsellor. He said that was blackmail; which it is. I can’t believe that I said it and I instantly regretted it, I sounded like a spoilt baby. Who knew I could be so manipulative? Maybe I got it from Mum.
So I had to tell him then, about Mum, otherwise he wouldn’t be my counsellor anymore and I wouldn’t ever see him again. So maybe he’s a bit of a blackmailer too.
Anyway, now I feel like a complete traitor to Mum and I don’t feel any better at all for having got it off my chest, I feel worse. Dad doesn’t even know what Mum was up to, yet I told someone who never even knew her.
Loud banging on the bathroom door interrupts my thoughts. Auntie Bridget is getting impatient.
‘Josie! Are you going to be much longer?’
‘No, won’t be long,’ I shout.
‘Hurry up or we won’t have time to do your makeup.’
That was the plan.
‘Okay,’ I shout. ‘Getting out now.’
I turn the shower off and get out and towel myself dry then quickly put my underwear on. It’s no good, I can’t fool myself; I’ve let myself down trying to blackmail Adam and I feel bad for betraying Mum.
I should have just agreed to see another counsellor and kept Mum’s secret. I chose Adam over Mum and I’m not feeling good about it. But it’s too late now, it’s done.
I grab my dressing gown from the hook on the bathroom door and wrap it around me, belting it so tight that it pinches and I have to loosen it.
No point in wallowing in guilt now, it’s done. Just have to get on with it.
✽✽✽
We go into the Vic by the back entrance and shuffle past metal chairs stacked against the wall in a narrow, shabby corridor with scuffed, peeling walls and emerge into the backstage area, which is basically a large room. There’s an atmosphere of excitement and a faint smell of sweat and beer and the air is charged with nervous energy. I can hear the thump of a band playing from the bar and see flickering lights through the curtained doorway. Danny is in front of me and has the keyboard under his arms and I’m carrying the legs. Dad picked him up from his house on the way and I could tell he approved. Danny chatted politely to Dad and didn’t seem bothered about all of the questions from Dad, I think he quite enjoyed talking to him. I’m trying very hard not to feel awkward around Danny; I want the easy friendship back that we had before the compliment .
We push our way through all of the people milling around and I can just see the top of Biro’s curly topped head standing in the corner. After fighting our way through the crowd, we emerge at the back of the room to see him sitting on an upturned bucket tuning his guitar.
‘Hi!’
‘Yo.’ He beams from ear to ear. ‘Can’t believe it’s here, not long now.’
‘Nervous?’ I say.
‘No, course not.’
I look at him.
‘Yeah, okay, a bit. Be glad when we can get up there and start playing.’
‘Where’s Mogs? Isn’t he here yet?’ Don’t tell me he’s not coming, please.
‘Bog.’ Biro nods in the direction of the toilets. ‘Nerves. Says he’ll be alright as soon as he starts playing.’
The door to the toilet opens and Mogs appears in the doorway; his face is pale and I can see a sheen of sweat on his forehead. He sees us and puts up a hand in a shaky wave then quickly turns around and goes back into the toilet and shuts the door.
‘The sooner we get on stage the better.’ Biro looks worried.
‘Your trousers are cool.’ I point at his black and white striped jeans. ‘Different.’
He looks down at them and smiles. ‘Ace, aren’t they? Found them in the loft. They were Dad’s.’
An image of Charlie wearing them pops into my head, must be where Biro gets his dress sense from.
‘You look different.’ Biro has his head on one side as he scrutinises my face.
‘Auntie Bridget,’ I say, ‘Insisted on putting make up on me. I’m her new project. Trying to make me look less like a boy.’
‘I like it, just don’t go getting those big black eyebrows, will you?’
‘No chance. Anyway, I’m going now, see if I can find a good place out in the front to watch you.’
‘Okay, Manager.’
I laugh. ‘See you later.’
As I turn to leave Biro stops me.
‘Before you go?’ He looks at Danny and moves me away from him and then lowers his voice.
‘What’s up?’
‘That counselling bloke you’re seeing?’
‘Adam?’
‘Yeah, that’s him. You’ve got that wrong you know, about his mum.’
‘What are you on about?’
‘About her being dead, she’s not dead.’
‘She is.’
‘She’s not. My dad knows his dad and he’s definitely only been married once.’
‘She died years ago.’
‘My dad’s known him since he was a kid.’
‘Your dad must have got it wrong.’
Biro looks annoyed and we stare at each other for a moment and then he shrugs. ‘Whatever.’ He turns as a grey faced Mogs appears behind him. ‘You alright Mogs?’
‘Will be,’ Mogs says in a shaky voice.
Danny comes over and looks at Mogs with concern.
Biro claps him on the shoulder. ‘He’ll be fine mate, won’t he guys?’
‘Yeah,’ Danny and I chorus.
‘Here, have an extra strong, might make you feel better.’ Danny offers Mogs a mint.
Mogs claps a hand over his mouth. ‘Don’t mention food,’ he mumbles through his hand.
Biro winks at me. ‘Okay, see you later.’
‘I’ll be watching,’ I say and then weave my way through the assorted band members and equipment to the entrance to the bar and something makes me turn and look back. Biro is watching me, I put my hand up in a wave and he waves back unsmiling, then turns away.
Why would Biro think Adam’s mum is still alive? It doesn’t make any sense; he must have got it wrong.
✽✽✽
I slide into the darkened bar and have to stand for a few moments until my eyes adjust to the gloom and I can see properly. Dad brought me up here and showed me around but that was with the lights on; it all looks very different in the dark. The music is so loud it feels as if the floor is pulsating and the music beats its way up through my feet. I want to get to the back of the room away from the stage but I need to stand somewhere where I can get a good view. Tables and chairs are arranged around the edge of the room and the centre is being used as a makeshift dance floor. A group of three leather jacketed guys from college are jumping around in front of the stage and I stand and watch. One of them, tall and skinny with long, floppy hair crashes into a girl watching the band and her drink flies out of her hand. Her meaty looking boyfriend puts his hand on the jumper’s chest and shoves him back onto the dance floor and he stumbles and then puts his hand up in apology and staggers away.
I head for the corner of the room where I can stand against the wall, out of the way. I squeeze myself into a space behind the back of a chair and hope that no one stands in front of me. Out of the corner of my eye someone is waving; I look over and then wish that I hadn’t. The Clackers are huddled around a small table and Shana is waving frantically at me. I wave back and she stands up and waves both of her arms beckoning me over.
Idiot. Why did I wave back? Now I can’t pretend I haven’t seen her. I could stay here but I have a feeling she’ll come and get me and then she’ll really have it in for me. I still haven’t grown a pair.
I zigzag my way slowly through the tables, chairs and people, cursing myself for looking her way.
‘Hey!’ Shana shouts over the noise of the band as I get nearer. ‘Come and sit with us.’
‘I’ll get a drink first,’ I shout back. I don’t really want a drink, just an excuse not to sit with them. Maybe I can go to the bar and hide.
Shana pulls a stool out from under the table. ‘No need, Stacey’s at the bar, I’ll text her, what do you want?’
‘Pint of coke.’
‘Okay.’ She pulls her phone out and taps out a message.
I sit down on the stool with a sinking heart and say hello to Ellie who’s sitting opposite. She doesn’t look very happy. It’s too much effort to try and talk over the thump of the music so we sit and watch the band. They’re good, but not as good, I think, as Tourists of Reality.
Stacey arrives with the drinks and plonks them on the table, she doesn’t look happy and I realise I’m sitting on her seat. Good, that means I can go and stand at the back.
The band finish their set and the next band come on and start to tune up. We’re on after them and I feel a little flutter of anticipation.
‘Thanks, Stacey, how much do I owe you?’
‘S’okay, get me one later.’
I stand up. ‘Here, have your seat back.’
‘No need,’ snaps Shana. ‘Stacey can share my chair, half each.’ She looks pointedly at Ellie. ‘There’s probably not enough room on yours, Ellie.’
Shana makes a big show of sitting on half of her seat and Stacey sits next to her. Ellie looks really fed up; why does she want to be friends with these two? I’d rather not have any friends at all.
Shana looks at Ellie with mock concern on her face.
‘I just realised that came out all wrong, hun. I wasn’t fat shaming you or anything.’ She giggles and puts her hand over her mouth. ‘Oops, that came out all wrong too. Maybe I should just keep my big mouth shut.’ Stacey joins in with the giggling.
I can’t bear to look at Ellie so I pick my glass up and take a gulp. It’s completely flat.
‘Something wrong, hun?’
‘Coke’s a bit flat, that’s all.’
‘Hun,’ she drops her voice. ‘It doesn’t matter ‘cos we only ever buy one drink.’ She pulls a small bottle out of a bag nestled under the table. ‘Then top up with our own. Have one of these.’ She looks around the room and passes it to me.
I take it off her and she sees my worried expression.
‘It’s not booze, just fizzy pop.’
I take it off her and open it. It’s so dark in here I can’t make out what it says on the bottle. I take a sip, very sweet, very fizzy. I take a bigger sip, quite nice.
‘Quick, tip it in your coke before someone sees and throws us out.’
I quickly drink half of my flat coke and tip the contents of the bottle in. I take another sip; definitely better than flat coke. I hand the empty bottle to Shana and she shoves it under the table.
‘Are this band of yours any good, Josie?’ Shana shouts.
‘They’re not my band.’
‘You know what I mean, you’re the manager.’
‘They are good,’ I shout confidently, because they are. ‘I think you’ll like them.’ I take another slurp of my drink; the air is hot and getting hotter.
‘Hope so.’ Shana smiles. ‘Hey, you’ve nearly drunk that, do you want another one?’
I look at my coke; she’s right I have nearly drunk it. I’m about to say yes when Ellie’s voice cuts across me.
‘No, she doesn’t want another one.’
Shana glares at Ellie. ‘Wow, Josie, you said that without even opening your mouth.’
Ellie ignores her and turns to me. ‘Don’t have any more, Josie. They’ve got alcohol in them.’
‘Hardly any at all.’ Shana scrabbles around in her bag and pulls out another bottle; she directs a poisonous look at Ellie. ‘Party pooper, you’re such a dullard sometimes.’
‘No,’ I put my hand up. ‘I’ve got enough here, thanks anyway.’
‘Okay, hun, whatever.’
I take a big slurp of my drink, it doesn’t taste like alcohol.
‘Sure you don’t want another one of these?’ Shana reaches under the table and wiggles the bottle at me.
‘No, this is fine,’ I say, taking another swallow, ‘Just fine.’
Shana smiles her sly smile and the band begins to play. The drummer is banging an almost hypnotic beat and the dance floor fills with people. There’s a party atmosphere in the room and I feel myself jigging in my seat to the music. Shana and Stacey stand up waving their arms around and doing cute little wiggles and a lot of the guys are looking at them. I wish I had their confidence.
Ellie hasn’t moved and I catch her eye and she gives me a reluctant smile.
‘Cheer up,’ I mouth to her over the music but her expression doesn’t change.
And then the music dies and Tourists of Reality arrive on the stage. My stomach does a lazy roll and my mouth feels dry. I’m excited and nervous for them and I cross my fingers under the table. They look all musiciany and serious, tuning their guitars as if they do gigs every day of the week, but I know how nervous they are. Mogs still looks grey and Biro keeps swallowing because I can see his Adam’s apple bobbing; he always does that when he’s nervous. Danny looks cheerful, he’s already getting admiring glances from plenty of girls in the audience and is lapping it up.
‘Hello Frogham.’ Biro has the microphone, it squeals with feedback and he stops and adjusts the volume. The room is silent, my mouth goes even dryer so I drain the rest of my drink.
‘We’re Tourists of Reality and we’re going to play a mash up of old and new.’ There are shouts of get on with it and you’re not fucking Elton John and I start to worry then that it’s all going to go horribly wrong.
Biro takes the hint and nods at Mogs and Danny and I hold my breath as they start to play.
And they’re brilliant; absolutely
amazing. Yes, I am a bit biased but they are the best of the night. The serious rocker types stand and watch Mogs playing, they don’t jig, or dance, they just watch with serious expressions on their faces. Mogs sounds even more amazing than in rehearsal and he doesn’t even look up; just his curtain of hair bobbing slightly as he plays. Biro and Danny’s voices meld together and although Danny has to move around a bit so the true rockers don’t see he’s not really playing, he looks the part.
The floor in front of the stage is full; people bouncing and fists pumping the air. I climb up onto my chair to see over their heads. I feel a bit wobbly and am about to get down when Shana pulls her chair next to mine and stands up next to me.
‘They’re amaze,’ she shouts in my ear, clutching hold of my arm. ‘Aren’t you proud!’
‘I am!’ I shout, lightheaded with the excitement of it all.
Shana puts her mouth closer to my ear. ‘Don’t you just wish you were up on stage with them, hun?’
And that’s when it all goes horribly wrong.
Chapter 14
Josie
I slowly open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. I turn my head to the side to look at my alarm clock to see what time it is and this is when my skull moves but somehow my brain doesn’t. The pain is unbearable and excruciating and tears spring to my eyes. I lie absolutely still and wait for the pain to subside before I attempt to focus on the clock. I think it might say 8:37 but I’m not completely sure because I’m having trouble processing thoughts right now.
I slowly close my eyes; if I don’t move at all I can go back to sleep. I don’t want to wake up.
✽✽✽
I open my eyes and slowly move my head to look at the clock; my brain wobbles but not quite so much as before; 11:30. After several minutes I work out that I must have fallen asleep again and I try to work out how many hours I’ve been asleep but the effort is too much. I put my elbows on the bed and slowly push myself upright. Not so bad. I’m still wearing the clothes I went out in last night minus my jeans and boots.
Actually, I think sitting up was a mistake, I feel sick. I swivel my eyes frantically around the room without moving my head which hurts much more than I thought it would. I know I won’t make it to the bathroom in time. I spy my Minions waste bin sitting next to my desk. Sorry Kevin, it looks like it’s going to be you. I slide out of bed onto the floor trying to move my head as little as possible and commando crawl on my elbows, dragging myself to the bin. I was wrong about feeling better than the first time I woke up, the pain is just as bad as it was before, in fact I think I might actually be dying.
So Talk to Me Page 10
