‘So, you look glowing, what’s been happening?’
I feel my face redden, I can’t help it. The slightest hint of a compliment from Adam and it happens.
‘I found out that Mum wasn’t having an affair at all!’ I almost shout at him.
‘Say that again I didn’t quite catch it.’ Adam is looking at me with a confused expression on his face.
I was in such a hurry to tell him that it came out in a rush and he probably has no idea what I’m talking about so I take a deep breath and say it again, more slowly.
Adam nods his head thoughtfully. ‘And how do you know this?’ he asks seriously.
I feel disappointed; why isn’t he as thrilled as I am? But of course he’s not, why would he be? And I haven’t even told him what’s happened over the weekend.
‘When I got home from band practice on Friday night Dad was talking to my Uncle Ralph on the phone and I overheard him. I wasn’t eavesdropping or anything, I just happened to hear. Then Dad had a heart attack, but he didn’t really, so we had to take him to hospital...’
‘Whoa! You’ve lost me. Your Dad had a heart attack?’
‘No. It was indigestion,’ I say impatiently. ‘But we thought it was a heart attack so we spent the night in A&E and when we got home...’
‘Josie?’ Adam interrupts and I look at him. ‘You’re babbling. I’ve never seen you babble before but I like it. But you need to slow down a bit because I can’t keep up.’
I blush again at the slightest hint of a compliment.
I take a deep breath and start again. ‘So. Dad thought he was having a heart attack but it turned out to be indigestion from a very hot curry.’
I see the hint of a smile from Adam which he tries to hide.
‘I know.’ I laugh. ‘He’s beyond embarrassed. Anyway, we got home from the hospital and I made him tell me what he was talking about in the phone call to Uncle Ralph. I asked him if Mum was having an affair.’
Adam leans forward. ‘What did he say?’
‘He said of course she wasn’t and whatever had given me that idea?’
‘And what did you say?’
‘I said it sounded like it from what he’d said. I didn’t tell him about the birthday card.’
‘Go on.’
‘He said that Mum was being stalked.’ Saying it makes me feel sad, for Mum, for Dad. It must have been so horrible for them.
Adam is stunned. ‘Stalked?’
‘Yeah. Stalked. Some weirdo had been ringing her; he thought he was in a relationship with her. Dad said he’d been watching her and stuff. A mental case. I don’t really want to waste my breath talking about him ; the main thing is that Mum wasn’t having an affair.’
‘That must have been a shock.’
‘It was, poor Mum and Dad, they must have been so worried.’
‘You’re sure this is what really happened? You don’t think your Mum was really having an affair and your Dad didn’t want to tell you?’
I look at Adam in shock. This wasn’t the reaction I’d been expecting; I thought he’d be as delighted as me. And I know that Dad would never lie to me.
‘No. Definitely not. The police had got involved and they would have caught him if Mum hadn’t died, it was only a matter of time.’
‘Sorry Josie, I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, I just need to be sure you’ve thought this all through.’
‘Okay.’ I can’t help feeling a bit deflated though.
‘You must feel relieved.’
‘I do, massively. But I also feel really bad for thinking the worst of Mum.’
‘There’s no point....’
‘...in worrying about things you can’t change.’ I join in and we say it together.
We both laugh. ‘You know me too well,’ Adam says. His notebook slips off his knee onto the floor and we look at it on the floor then both lean down to pick it up at the same time.
I reach it first and as I straighten up to hand it to Adam, he’s looking straight at me. Our eyes lock and he slowly places his hand on top of my hand and holds it tight.
For a moment I can’t breathe; he’s so close to me I can smell his aftershave and feel his breath on my cheek. We stare into each other’s eyes and I can’t move. The air feels charged, like the moment before a thunderstorm. Adam leans towards me and our lips touch briefly before he lets go of my hand and slowly sits back.
The spell is broken and I gaze at Adam in wonder; he kissed me, he must feel the same way about me as I do about him.
He clears his throat. ‘I’m so sorry. I should never have done that.’
‘Don’t say sorry, don’t tell me that you didn’t mean it.’ My voice sounds small and shaky. I can’t bear it if he tells me it was a mistake and meant nothing to him. I hand the notebook over and continue to stare at him, willing him to say he feels the same.
‘I did mean it.’ He smiles. ‘And you wouldn’t believe how long I’ve wanted to do that, but...’
‘But what?’
‘It’s not appropriate, I can’t be your counsellor and have a relationship with you.’
‘I’ll get another counsellor.’
Adam smiles sadly. ‘Actually, I don’t think you need one anymore, but that’s not the point. I can’t have a relationship with someone I’ve counselled. And you’re underage.’
‘I’m not! I’m seventeen.’
‘You’re under eighteen. That’s underage.’
‘We could keep it a secret,’ I say.
‘No.’ Adam shakes his head but I think maybe I could persuade him, he doesn’t look completely sure.
‘I’ll be eighteen this year, then I can do what I like.’
‘I’m a lot older than you, I’m twenty-nine.’
‘Only eleven years. That’s nothing. Lots of people have older partners.’ Did I really say partner ? Adam doesn’t laugh at me but sits staring at his notebook.
‘I’ll get the sack if anyone finds out that I kissed you; I’d probably be banned from counselling anyone ever again.’ He looks so worried.
I’d never tell anyone.
‘I won’t tell a soul,’ I say.
‘But what if it came out, chatting to Biro or Ellie, you might say something without realising and that’d be the end of me. I’d be unemployable.’
I lean forward and reach out for his hand. He has long, slim, fingers; pianist’s fingers, Mum would call them, with neat, square nails. I hold his hand in both of mine, enjoying the feeling of touching him, touching his skin.
‘You don’t have to worry. At all. I’m good at keeping secrets, remember?’
✽✽✽
Free. That’s how I feel. Liberated, and happy. So, so happy. The rest of today passed in a blur because I couldn’t really take anything in after my counselling with Adam. I kept thinking about what had happened, our kiss, and it was just amazing. I wish it could have gone on forever. He’s so gorgeous. And he wants me! Me! Adam feels the same about me as I feel about him, I can’t believe it!
Yes, I know it’s not appropriate but like Adam says, nothing can happen while he’s still my counsellor but a few more weeks and he won’t be. Obviously, I won’t be able to tell anyone for quite a while but I can keep a secret, I kept Mum’s, or so I thought. This is different though, this is a nice secret, a lovely secret that I can hug to myself and enjoy.
I’ll have to be a bit careful because people have noticed a change in me and I don’t want to get Adam into trouble. Biro kept asking me what I was so cheerful about and I noticed him giving me that sideways appraising look that he does when he’s thinking so I’ll have to contain it a bit, try to act normal.
Dad noticed too; we were eating dinner and he said how much I’ve changed and I said well the counselling’s working Dad and he was so pleased. Said he’d maybe get Uncle Ralph some, it might stop him being such a misery.
But now I’m in bed and there’s only me and Skipper here so I can lie here and remember what happened today and it won’t matter if
I’ve got a silly smile on my face or a dreamy look in my eyes.
He’s so gorgeous. And he wants me! I can’t believe it.
What a day! I can’t wait until Friday to see him again. Yes, I know we can only talk and nothing inappropriate can happen but surely a little kiss wouldn’t hurt? And a hug maybe? I’m suddenly grateful that the counselling room is so out of the way; I don’t want Adam to lose his job or his career because of me. I’d never forgive myself.
Skipper creeps up from the bottom of the bed and snuggles up next to me and gives a big sigh. I wrap my arms around him and gaze into his furry little face.
‘I’m in love, Skipper,’ I whisper, because I want to say it, I want to share it. Skipper gazes at me and blinks.
I’m so happy.
Chapter 22
Josie
‘W hassup with you?’ Biro says through a mouthful of bacon baguette.
I look at him in surprise. ‘Nothing, why?’
‘You seem different, that’s all.’
‘Just the same as I’ve always been.’ I take a bite of my cheese sandwich and try not to blush.
‘You seem happier,’ says Ellie. ‘More your old self.’
‘My old self when?’ I ask.
Ellie colours and realises what she’s said.
‘It’s okay, Ellie. I know I was a nightmare when Mum died but I think I’m getting back to normal now.’ Or a new version of normal, anyway.
She smiles, relieved that I haven’t taken offence.
‘I suppose.’ Biro shoves the rest of the baguette into his mouth. ‘We’ve got the wonderful Adam to thank for that.’
I frown and ignore him and carry on eating my sandwich. Whenever he refers to Adam now, he calls him the wonderful Adam and he doesn’t even attempt to hide his dislike. I’ve stopped talking about him but the less I talk about him the more Biro brings him into the conversation. I’ve talked to Ellie about it and she said perhaps he’s jealous of Adam. I couldn’t stop laughing when she said that.
‘Ellie,’ I said. ‘Don’t you realise that Biro fancies you ?’
She said, ‘No, of course he doesn’t.’ But I could tell she was pleased. I told her I thought they’d make a lovely couple and I was sure anytime soon Biro would be asking her out.
Biro scrunches the paper wrapper up into a ball and wipes his mouth with it and then drinks about half a bottle of coke in one swallow.
‘Did you ask him about his mum then?’
‘What?’
‘Did you ask the wonderful Adam why he said his mum was dead?’
‘Of course I didn’t, you’ve obviously got it wrong.’
‘No, I haven’t.’
‘You’re not always right, Biro. You can get things wrong sometimes you know.’
‘Ask him then, prove me wrong.’
‘I don’t need to ask him and anyway, it’d sound a bit odd wouldn’t it? Are you sure your mum’s dead cos my mate says she isn’t. And why would he even lie? What would be the point of that? I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it.’
Biro shrugs. ‘Dunno. Don’t trust him is all. He’s shady.’
‘Shady? How can you say that? You don’t even know him!’
Biro noisily draws air in through his nose and narrows his eyes and looks at me.
‘Just a feeling I’ve got. Definitely shady.’
‘You’ve never actually met him.’
‘Don’t need to. Even his family don’t like him.’
I laugh, and hope it doesn’t sound as false as it feels. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Parents chucked him out, y’know, his father and dead mother. Bit of a secret why but they defo chucked him out. He didn’t go far though, lives in the next street, next to the paper shop.’
‘And?’ I’m getting fed up with this, why is he so obsessed with Adam?
‘Probably thought it was about time he left, bit sad living at home at his age,’ Ellie chips in, and I glare at her.
‘Just saying,’ she says and looks down. ‘They probably thought it was about time he got his own place.’
‘Nope. They defo chucked him out,’ Biro says emphatically.
‘Oh, shut up Biro, you’re being ridiculous.’
‘Just looking out for a mate, that’s all.’
OMG. He’s so infuriating, there’s no reasoning with him.
‘You don’t need to look out for me, he’s my counsellor, that’s all. Anyway, I’ve only got a few more sessions and that’s me done.’
‘Yeah, give it a rest, Biro,’ Ellie says. ‘It’s not like Josie’s going to fancy him or anything, he’s old .’
He’s not that old, I want to say, he’s only twenty-nine, but obviously I don’t.
‘Yeah,’ I say, rolling my eyes. ‘As if.’
✽✽✽
Two more nights until I see Adam. I feel like a kid counting sleeps before Christmas. I’m not exactly counting the hours but I can’t wait; it seems like forever. Every time I’m in the cafeteria I look for him but I haven’t seen him this week. I’ve seen the tutor that I thought was his girlfriend, she’s really pretty, much prettier than I remembered. I feel so proud that he’s chosen me over her and I keep thinking I should pinch myself to make sure it’s not some lovely dream that I’m going to wake up from at any minute.
Biro is getting on my nerves but I’m not going to let him spoil it for me. He’s my best friend and he always will be but I don’t need him to tell me what to do or to look out for me. He’s just being ridiculous about Adam and I don’t know what’s got into him. I’m sad in a way that Biro’s being so awkward because I know that if he didn’t have this thing about Adam, I could confide in him and he wouldn’t tell a soul. I can trust Biro with anything. I’m bursting to share how Adam and I feel about each other with someone but I know that I daren’t; Adam would lose his job and I’d never forgive myself so we’ll just have to wait until I’m eighteen. I have been talking to Skipper though, because he’s hardly going to tell anyone, is he?
I’ve felt a bit unsettled the last couple of days but I don’t know why. At first I thought it was because of all of the excitement of kissing Adam and admitting our feelings to each other, but it’s not that. I’m totally okay with how I feel about him, I wish I could shout it from the rooftops but I know I can’t. I suppose I do feel a bit deceitful about keeping it secret, especially from Dad, but there’s nothing I can do about it at the moment. Dad definitely wouldn’t understand; about the age gap let alone it being inappropriate because of the counselling. But it’s not as if we’re doing anything wrong is it? I mean, we only talk, we won’t start a relationship until the counselling has finished.
I don’t know what it is that’s bothering me but there’s definitely something. I slept really well on Tuesday night and woke feeling so happy apart from something niggling at the edge of my mind. Maybe it was a dream I’d had and then couldn’t remember, something I couldn’t grasp. Something’s telling me that it’s important but it’s floating around just out of reach and just when I think I’m about to grasp it, it flits away.
It’s very annoying because I just want to wallow in my feelings for Adam and enjoy them and then this maddening feeling keeps telling me I’ve missed or forgotten something important. I blame Biro; I wish he would just stop going on and on and spoiling everything. I don’t want to have to choose between Biro and Adam.
Adam and I decided that we wouldn’t text each other unless absolutely necessary. Obviously when my counselling has finished, we’ll have to decide how we’re going to see each other, then sort things out. When Biro told me where Adam lives, I was so pleased. I’ll be able to go and see him and no one will know, we can keep our relationship a secret. I can get Dad to drop me off at Biro’s and walk round to Adam’s, Biro won’t approve but I don’t think he’d dob me in even though he doesn’t like Adam.
I can’t wait.
✽✽✽
I awake with a start; it’s still dark.
&n
bsp; I was dreaming about Mum and her birthday and our last weekend together. I touch my face and wipe away the tears that I’ve been crying in my sleep.
The dream about Mum wasn’t the reason I woke up and I wish I could go back to sleep and forget; forget what my brain has somehow remembered while I’ve been sleeping, forget what’s been eating away at the back of my mind for days.
Maybe I’m wrong.
I wish I was wrong but I know that I’m not.
I turn the bedside light on; 4:30, there’s no chance of going back to sleep now. I feel wide awake and I feel sick; sick at what I’ve remembered.
But it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I lie there and stare at the ceiling, thoughts tumbling around in my head, round and round, like clothes in a tumble dryer.
Why?
I lie like this for what seems like hours, trying to make sense of it. Skipper senses I’m awake and crawls from the end of my bed to lie on my chest. It’s uncomfortable and he feels like a lead weight but I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.
Why?
I turn my head to look at the clock again, 5:37.
I lift Skipper off me and get out of bed, pad across the room and pick up my laptop from the desk. I get back into bed but I don’t lie down. I prop the laptop on my lap and turn it on and wait for what seems like forever for it to boot up.
At last the screen flickers to life and I open Google.
I have some searching to do.
Chapter 23
Josie
I hide down the side of the shed between an old ladder and the garden fence. The shed slats are broken and split and keep snagging my Parka as I move. I wonder how long I’ll have to wait for.
Thursday is dustbin day; or so the council website tells me. I’ve been here since eight o’clock; I told Dad I was going into college early for an extra exam revision class. He seemed so pleased that I was keen as he put it and I felt disgusted with myself for lying.
A lot of dustbins were already out in the street when I arrived and I thought then that I’d wasted my time and I’d got here too late so I might as well go home. But then I realised that they’d put them out last night, like Dad does, and that not everyone does that.
So Talk to Me Page 15
