by Jenny Wood
“If you need anything, you let me know. You have my support all the way, and for what it’s worth, Brock, I’m really proud of you and I know that mom would be too," I’d tell him, and for another first, in maybe ever, my brother hugs me.
Dad invites Gannon and me to dinner next week because Brock will be heading to Atlanta for the foreseeable future and it will only take a couple of weeks to get everything approved officially and set up for him in Atlanta.
Having a better day than I’d ever dared to hope for, I get caught up on my weekly paperwork early, now that I know where everything is, and duck out an hour early. I have Pasta Barn to pick up and my favorite guy to see. Nothing can ruin this day for me…
Gannon
“Gannon…" I hear my mom croak from the bathroom down the hall. “Gannon!” she gets a little bit louder when I don’t magically appear in front of her. “Honey, I need your help. I’m sick," Now she’s whining and the lump in my throat just sits there like a boulder. Realistically, I should be used to this. Logically, I knew it was going to happen again, of course, it was, why wouldn’t it? She’s an addict.
“Come out of the bathroom, Ma. I’ll make you something to eat,” I can hear her whimpers from the other side of the door. I can hear her throwing things around in the cabinets, probably looking for something that she knows she’ll never find. Not in my house.
“It’s my medicine, Gannon, you know it is! Do you actually want me to be sick?” she stumbles out of the bathroom, her arms wrapped around her thin, frail body. I notice her picking and scratching at the abused flesh that she’s picked and scratched for the last two and a half decades of my life.
“Chicken soup or tomato?” I ask instead of answering her. I’m not being baited into that bullshit again. It doesn’t do either of us any good.
“I know you think I don’t need it, sweetie, but I do. I don’t even need it for the reason that you think I do. It’s only to make me feel better,” she tries to reason with me, - a logic that only makes sense in the mind of an addict. I’ve seen her body slumped over, barely conscious enough to know that this shit isn’t about anything but the high. I lost count at how many times I’ve walked into a room and saw her lifeless body lying in an unnatural, scary as fuck way. I can’t recall how many times I thought she was actually dead. Too many, I know that.
“Gannon, sweetie, it hurts. My whole body hurts, I’m sick,” she sounds pitiful and I think back to a time when I used to feel sorry for her. Honestly, I did. I’d actually cry because I couldn’t help her, couldn’t get her what she so obviously thought she needed. Had I known where to get it from, I actually might have back then. I hate seeing her in pain, no matter how wrong I know it is, nobody wants to see their mother in pain. But, the sweeties, why am I only sweetie or honey when she needs something?
“You aren’t hearing me-“ she tries to say, but after the day we’ve had together, I’m not in the mood to hear it. Switching between sleeping and crying and screaming and then back again, I just want a pain reliever for this headache and a dark room. Or Shade, I bet Shade would make me feel better. I can’t believe what went down earlier. It seems like so long ago now. I should’ve found time to check in with him at some point today, I’ve been stressing about it since he left.
“I am hearin’ you, Ma. What do you want me to do? Go find your dealer? Buy you heroin? That’s what you’re doing now, isn’t it? Shooting that poison into your veins… You want your son to go score it for you? Risk going to prison or getting killed for that shit?” I slam the bowls on the table, pissed that once again I’m having this old ass argument. “Why’d you leave rehab? It was a good facility and it cost a lot of money. They assured me that you were doing well, so, what changed?”
“I wasn’t doing well, son, they were keeping me sick! I was throwing up for days!” she tries another tactic, her voice so shrill, I’m sure the neighbors could hear her and the closest one is over two miles away.
“You were detoxing Ma, that’s what happens!” I scream back at her, feeling like the world’s biggest piece of shit when she flinches away from me. I’d never hurt her though, and she knows that, which is why the hurt leaves her eyes and the rage appears. I brace.
“You don’t fucking know anything, you bitch! You’re a high school drop-out with nothing but this shitty house and that beat up piece of shit you call a gym. You’re stuck in the same ol’ town with your one and only friend who’ll never see you more than an obligation. I should’ve done what your dad begged me to do and aborted your ass when I had the chance! Maybe he would’ve stuck around if I didn’t have you constantly dragging my life into the pits of hell," she rants at me until she runs out of steam and I let her. The words stopped penetrating years ago, or I thought they did. They still sting. Everyone has insecurities and she throws mine around too often to not believe that they hold at least a little bit of truth.
My dad had never been around, I didn’t even know who he was. Depending on the argument, I didn’t think she did either. She just liked throwing him in my face when she thought it would score a mark. Can’t miss what ya never had though, right? I had Mr. Mayson and later Hyde. That was all the fatherly influence I needed, I did okay.
“Come eat some soup,” I say, ignoring the fact that she’s now crying and it’s not because she feels bad for telling me that she wishes she’d have aborted me. No, it’s because the words didn’t work, and she doesn’t have money for drugs.
I called a couple of sober-living facilities while she went through bouts of restless sleep, but none of them would accept her unless she was a willing applicant. I couldn’t have her involuntary committed because everyone around here knew who she was and it seemed like such a waste of resources. She won’t stay anywhere voluntarily and aside from sending her to jail or another rehab, there isn’t anything I can do today. So I let her cry it out, scream it out and thankfully at times, sleep it out. It’s been nine hours but it feels like a month. I know that I can’t keep doing this, but I just don’t know what else to do.
“You can’t keep me here, Gannon. You can’t! I’m a grown woman," she sulks, crying, throwing things and generally acting like a batshit crazy person. I let her rant while I make soup and consider telling her that the doors are unlocked if she really wants to go. But then, I’ll worry that something will happen to her and it has me keeping my mouth shut.
When the soup is finished, I make a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches and take them to couch where I thought she was laying. Before I call out for her, there’s a knock on the door just before Shade walks in carrying two large bags of what I’m just remembering is the Pasta Barn he mentioned bringing tonight.
“You good?” he asks, probably reading my face all wrong. I’m happy as fuck that he’s here, even happier to have real food instead of soup, but I hadn’t gotten to the store in a few days and our options were limited
“Yeah, come here,” I watch him as he drops the bags off at the kitchen and get up to meet him halfway, not able to wait a second longer. When I get close enough, he grips my shirt and pulls me into a hug. I’m not much of a hugger, or I never had been before. I can say with absolute certainty that I will be now, at least with Shade.
“Rough day?” I nod, letting what feels like every ounce of bad energy go as he holds me. It sounds so lame, but, I don’t care. I need this. “Where’s your mom?”
“I don’t know, she’s around here somewhere,” I breathe him in. “How was your day? Things go okay with Brock? I notice you don’t have broken knuckles or black eyes. That’s good, right?” He laughs, quietly, running his hands up and down my back. “I really missed you today, is that crazy?” I confess.
“No, not even a little. I thought about you all day,” he replies, making me feel a little less crazy for suddenly jumping into whatever the fuck this is without warning.
“I got you some fettuccine and those cheesy tots that you like. Want me to get you some?” he asks, his bigger than average fingers squeezing the bunche
d up muscles in my neck. I groan in pained pleasure as my body loses all of its fight and I fall deeper into him. Shade only laughs and adjusts himself to take more of my weight but otherwise doesn’t budge. I love him.
“Hey, Ms. Holly, I got some fettuccine and a couple orders of mushroom lasagna if you’re hungry,” Shade says to mom, who must’ve come out of hiding.
“I’m not hungry. Can you give me a ride somewhere?” she asks him, causing my body to stiffen in Shade’s arms. I try to pull back but his hand on my neck doesn’t allow it. He holds me firmly to him, I can’t even see where she’s at.
“Sorry, I’m in for the night. Was there something you needed?” his hands trail up my scalp and lightly scratch, sounding as normal as it would’ve been for anyone to ask him for a ride.
“Is there a reason you’re holding my son that way?” mom asks, her tone sounding a bit perturbed now that she’d taken notice.
“Is there a reason I shouldn’t?” he challenges but gets no answer. “Come on, let’s eat and I’ll tell you about all the surprises I’ve had today," he kisses the inside of my neck before letting me go.
As it would turn out, at least one of us had a decent day. I am surprised, to say the least. I couldn’t imagine Brock taking a friendly tone with anyone, let alone saying things like, “I’m sorry,” and “I want to try to be a better person," And the hugging? I feel like I am in a parallel universe or something, but I am ecstatic for their family. I hope this is a turning point for all of the Mayson men.
“So, he should be leaving sometime in the next couple of weeks and dad hoped we could all get together for dinner one night before he does. Would you be okay with that?” Shade finishes.
“If you want me there, I’m there,” I offer.
“I want you there,” he replies, and that is all the convincing that I need. “I’ll clean up these dishes and then I’m gonna jump in the shower. I’m also staying the night, you good with that?”
“Stupid question,” I smirk, letting myself openly imagine him in the shower. I’ve conjured up that imagine more times than I could count, but now I don’t have to feel guilty about it, because apparently, we’re past that now.
“I’d give a million dollars to know what you’re thinking right now,” Shade murmurs softly, taking all of the trash and both of our bowls to the kitchen. I follow behind him, thankful that mom went to pout in the guest room.
“I was thinking that I’d like to just sit back and watch your naked ass in the shower. Then I was thinking that I’ve thought about that so many times before, I can almost picture it perfectly. After that, I was thinking that it should be weird that we’re crossing this invisible line of the friend zone and I should be freaking out about it, but instead, I just want to tell you that I’ve been in love with you every day since I was six years old and if you give me just the tiniest chance, I can swear on everything I love that you won’t regret it," For a split second, I thought I’d said too much. Shade drops the dishes in the sink and spins around to face me.
“I thought you were going to say something sexy about joining me in the shower, I wasn’t prepared for the rest of it," he fucking beams. “You’re in love with me?”
“Gone,” I confess, “since the day I thought you were going to wrestle me over stealing your sidewalk chalk.”
“You just wanted to color,” Shade whispers, stepping closer to me as he reaches for my lips with his own. His kiss is sweet and deliberate like he’s branding our past with the promise of our future. “You should know that it took a while longer for me because I didn’t realize that I was allowed to like boys back then, and then I didn’t realize I was allowed to like you. After the RJ Arbuckle debacle of sophomore year, I knew without a doubt, that I’d never need anybody like I need you. So, if you’re promising me that I won’t regret it, you’re going to have to promise me that this is forever. I can’t do it if there’s any risk that I might lose you," His eyes are shining so bright, I don’t even stop to think about it.
“Then I’m promising you this is forever," I lean down and kiss him, quickly, “Should we just go ahead and get married, now?” I shrug, only half teasing. I’m unable to hold in my laugh when he hits me. Should’ve seen it coming.
“Ask me again in a couple months,” he shrugs back. He might be joking, but I’m sure as fuck not. I’d marry him in the quickest second if it meant keeping him apart of my life, just like this, forever.
After several very long minutes of finally getting to touch Shade Mayson like I always dreamed of doing, I let him go take a shower while I checked on mom. She’s in the guest bedroom sitting in the corner rocking back and forth. I don’t know what to do to help her. I never know what to do to help her.
“Mom, can I get you anything?” I ask quietly into the room. She doesn’t stop rocking but she does look up to answer me.
“No, sweetheart. I’m okay,” she murmurs. I’m used to her rapid mood swings, so, I take a deep breath and hope for the best.
“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” I walk away before I push my luck too far. With rapid mood swings, comes irrational and spontaneous aggression. She can go from laughing to screaming in a second flat and I’ve had too good of a night to fuck it up now. “Holler if ya need me.”
“Gannon?” I pause in the doorway and turn back to her as she says, “I’m sorry.”
“I know, mom," I just wish that one of us had a clue what she was sorry for.
Shade
“I can’t believe we’re in bed together… naked,” Gannon whispers as if we were some teenage boys having to sneak so our parents don’t hear us. I mean, I guess we kind of are, his mom is actually just down the hall. It is a little surreal though, I never in a million years thought this would happen.
“We’ve been naked together a million times,” I remind him. At the pool when we were kids, in the locker rooms at school, at the gym. I’ve seen his ass so many times I could paint you a picture from memory. Oh, what a glorious picture it would be, but still…
“Shut up, it’s different now,” he says, grabbing the back of my knee and hoisting my leg up over his hip. “Let me enjoy it,” he grins, waggling his brows with obvious intent.
“You haven’t been enjoying it?” I tilt my hips just slightly and rub my thickness against his stomach. I’d meant to tease him but it backfired on me, my hips jerk forward as pleasure jolts through my entire body.
“Stop for a second,” Gannon clasps my hip in his big hand and stops me from moving anymore. “Gotta talk about some stuff before we do this,” he says and I’m not particularly proud of the whine I let slip.
“We don’t have to talk everything out just yet, Gannon. We’re best friends, I trust you. You trust me, we’re a happy fam-i-ly, or something. There’s a song about it, google it later," I ramble, turned way the fuck on and close to begging at this point. “I know you won’t hurt me, I won’t hurt you either. You were already going to be in my life forever, now you’re just more in my life forever. The rest will work itself out because it always works itself out. We’re Shade and Gannon. Gannon and Shade. Now can you just shut up and touch my dick already?” Gannon bursts out laughing, much louder than I thought was safe at the moment, but I wanted him so fucking bad, I didn’t want to talk about everything right now. “Gannon -“
“Shut up, I was actually talking about the more immediate stuff, like, do you top or bottom? Condoms? Have you been tested recently? I have and I’m good, I’ve got the paperwork if you wanna see. Oh, and what’s your stance on blow jobs? Because just sayin’, I’ve pictured it a thousand different ways in a thousand different places and I really wanna make good on some of those," he confesses, and I huff, dropping my head to my chest as we face each other. I take a breath to calm the thundering heart in my chest and I feel like he’s doing this shit on purpose. I kind of want to hurt him for it right now. Of all times to tease me, it would be when we’re in bed together… naked.
“What if I’m strictly a top?” I ask, trying to
tease him back. I think for sure that he’d at least hesitate because if I had to put my money on it, I’d say Gannon was the one that’s strictly a top. He doesn’t though, not even for a second.
“Then you can have me,” he tells me, no longer teasing. “Taking it isn’t my favorite, but I know that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t be willing to do for you. I know you’ll take care of me because you always do. And there are other things we can do, a lot of them, actually. I don’t care what any of them are, as long as it’s just me and you.”
“Ugh, that’s a really good answer,” I complain, chuckling when he pinches my nipple in admonishment. When I bat his hand away, he looks up at me sexily and pulls me close, effectively blowing my mind with his words.
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little bit disappointed,” he whispers, using the hand that’s wrapped around me to slide his middle finger down the crack of my ass as he explains in the sexiest, dirtiest detail. “In every fantasy that I’ve ever had, I’m always holding this big body down so I can slide deep inside of you," he puts the slightest pressure on my opening, but only scoots closer to me so his lips can touch mine as he continues his whispered torture. “You’re so muscled and strong, Shade. I know you could overpower me if you wanted to, but you won’t. You won’t will you? You’ll submit to me.”
“Gannon,” I croak in warning, trying and failing to pull him closer with the leg I have wrapped around him. He ignores me and keeps rubbing, his tongue pushing inside my parted lips as he moans into my mouth. His other hand grabs my cock and holds it tight in his fist.
“I want to squeeze this cock while I fuck myself into you over and over again, Shade, and you’re gonna beg me to, aren’t you, baby?” I can only nod, my breath coming in loud pants as he works me slowly with his fist and teases me with his finger.
“Yeah, you want that, huh? You’d top for me, but it isn’t what you want, is it?” I’m shaking my head before he can finish his question. “It’s not what you need?”
