by Cassie Cole
Shit, I thought.
“And then there was the incident with the cell phone. You refused to punish him for having it out during the test, even though the rules are clear…”
“I gave him a warning,” I replied weakly. “It was clear he wasn’t using the phone to cheat or help anyone else cheat.”
She ignored my argument. “That brings us to Professor Karlson’s reaction today. His behavior was very peculiar. He was excited to see you, and then something changed. I don’t know what exactly, but I know it happened when he realized Zack was in your class. He was staring right at him. And Zack looked extremely guilty about something.”
I tried to make myself look calm behind the desk. “Are you going to accuse me of something?”
She grimaced. “Do I need to come right out and say it, Professor?”
“I think you should leave.”
Melanie stiffened in the chair. “You have been having a relationship with Zack, your student.”
I pointed at the door with a trembling finger. “Get out.”
She rose and smoothed out her skirt. “I’m sorry, Professor Morris. I’ve enjoyed being your GTA. But if you don’t inform Dean Richards of this, then I will have no choice but to make the complaint myself.”
41
Jessica
I sat behind my desk and stared at the wall long after Melanie left my office. My body was too numb to move. All I could do was sit there and process everything that had happened in the last twenty minutes.
I watched a lot of True Crime documentaries. One thing that always shocked me was how arrogant the criminals were. No matter the level of crime, they never thought they would get caught. Especially as time went on. They got sloppier, left plenty of clues, and then seemed surprised when the fingers of law enforcement finally closed around them.
Now I understood why they felt that way. Success bred arrogance. The first time Zack and I slept together—the first time after discovering he was my student—I was terrified of getting caught. That fear was part of what excited me, but it stayed with me throughout the day. It made me careful. Getting caught was a real possibility back then. I worried about it constantly.
Yet as time went on, that fear receded. We got more brazen. I made excuses in my head to justify our actions, and eventually part of my brain blocked off how wrong it was. Now that wall was gone and all the fear and guilt had returned tenfold. Zack was my student. I was his history professor. There was a power imbalance between us. I had direct control over his grade and his future. Sleeping with him was wrong. And not just wrong in a sexy, taboo kind of way. It was morally and professionally wrong.
How could I have been so stupid?
I texted Dominic to ask if we could talk. He didn’t respond. When I finally worked up the nerve to visit him in his office I found the door open and the lights off. He was gone.
I canceled the rest of my classes and went home. I got under the covers of my bed and wallowed in self-pity and self-hate. To make matters worse, my sheets still smelled vaguely like Dominic, Zack, and Finn.
What I had done with Zack was bad all by itself, but the fact that Dominic found out that way in front of everyone? It crushed me. I should have told him about the whole thing ahead of time. He probably wouldn’t have forgiven me, but at least then it would have been on my own terms. It wouldn’t have been a lie of omission.
I had a future with Dominic. We connected on so many levels—we were perfect for each other. And I had ruined it by doing something insanely stupid. I thought I had become an older, more mature person since the wild sexual adventures I got in before becoming a professor. But it turns out I had learned nothing. I threw away the first good long-term relationship of my life because I was fooling around with my student.
The crazy thing was that Dominic wasn’t the first real long-term relationship I had been in. What Zack and I had could be considered something similar. I normally got bored with men after a week or two, yet Zack and I had been together for months. Finn, too.
It doesn’t matter now, I thought. I’ve ruined everything.
My phone vibrated on the bedside table. I didn’t want to look because I was terrified of what Dominic would say, but the text wasn’t from him.
Finn: Zack told me what happened. You okay?
Me: No.
Finn: Zack’s crushed. Did you mean what you said to him?
Me: Everything I said was true. Zack and I are a mistake. I never should have slept with him.
Finn: You’re overreacting. Take a breather and think things over.
Me: I’m a PROFESSOR. He’s my STUDENT. It’s that fucking simple.
Me: And now Dominic won’t talk to me. My mistake ruined things with him.
Finn: Want me to talk to Dominic? Help him calm down?
Me: There’s nothing you can do.
Me: This is all my fault.
Finn: Tell you what. I’ll come down and cheer you up.
Finn: I’m talking a full back massage. With or without a happy ending, depending on how you feel ;-)
His text made me so angry that my fingers flew over the screen as I texted a reply.
Me: You don’t get it. Sex is the last thing I want right now. It’s the reason I’m in this mess. I’ve lost Dominic because of it and I’m probably going to lose my job next.
Finn: I’m just trying to make you feel better
Me: I don’t want you to do anything. I just want you to leave me the hell alone.
Finn: Fine, whatever.
I knew I was lashing out. I wanted to text him back and apologize, to say that it wasn’t his fault and I was just upset, but I couldn’t muster the strength.
I stayed in bed all day. The only time I got up was to use the bathroom and to get dinner. Dominic’s mini quiches were still in my fridge, filling it with the delicious baked scent. I angrily tossed them in the trash and heated up a frozen pizza instead.
When I woke the next morning there was a new meeting invitation on my calendar from Dean Richards. At first I was terrified that Melanie had reported me for having an inappropriate relationship with my student, but then I saw that every professor in the history department was invited.
The meeting took place in a classroom during lunch, since that was the only time everyone had free on their calendars. I sat in the back and watched the room fill with history professors of various ages. There were thirty of us altogether seated in the chair-desks, and everyone whispered excitedly about what the meeting could be about.
“Do you have any idea?” Brandi asked me.
The sight of the woman filled me with rage. This is your fault, I wanted to scream at her. If you hadn’t invited me to your bachelorette party I never would have slept with Zack.
“No idea,” I said curtly.
Dominic was one of the last professors to enter. There was an open desk next to me but he chose a different seat on the other end of the room, as far from me as possible. I tried to make eye contact with him, to gauge what he was thinking, but he refused to look in my direction.
Brandi leaned close to me. “A little birdie told me you two were dating!”
“Shut up, Brandi,” I snapped. “Nobody likes a gossip.”
Brandi and the three women around me all blinked in surprise, then whispered to one another while shooting me angry looks. I ignored them.
Dean Richards walked in and closed the door behind her. There was a frustrated expression on her severe face, like we were about to discuss something unpleasant. The pit in my stomach that had been there since yesterday deepened.
“Thank you all for meeting with me on such short notice,” Richards said. She began passing out sheets of paper. “Apparently we all need to review the faculty code of conduct. It has come to my attention that one of our faculty members has engaged in an inappropriate relationship with one of their students.”
Fear hissed through my body like a bolt of lightning. Melanie must have gone to Richards. But why would she out me here in front
of the entire department? Especially without bringing the accusation to me first? I gripped the desk with both hands to keep myself from jumping up and bolting from the room.
Everyone began chatting excitedly. Dominic glanced in my direction, disappointment plastered on his face. Was he the one to turn me in? If so, I couldn’t blame him. What I had done was wrong. I deserved whatever came next.
“The offending professor has been suspended,” Richards went on, “pending an investigation.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t me. The other professors all looked around, trying to figure out who was missing. There were four or five who weren’t present, which made it difficult to narrow down.
“Who is he?” Brandi spoke up. “Which professor couldn’t keep it in his pants?”
“Who says it’s a man?” Professor Emaraldi snapped. “It could easily be a female professor.”
Brandi rolled her eyes.
Dominic glanced in my direction, then quickly looked away. My shame was overwhelming.
“You will all learn who it is soon enough,” Richards snapped. “Save your gossiping for another time. The legal department has requested everyone fill out these forms indicating you have read and understand the code of conduct.”
I received a copy of the form. It was standard boilerplate language, the same that I had signed when I started teaching three years ago. I retrieved a pen from my purse and signed it.
I handed the document to Dean Richards and then hurried from the room. I knew what I had to do.
I was going to confess to everything.
42
Dominic
I thought Jessica was the one.
The person with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life.
I had never met a woman like her before. She was a rare combination of beautiful and sexy, depending on the circumstances, but it went beyond her physical appearance. She was incredibly intelligent. Quick-witted in ways that made me laugh. Jessica was deep and complex. And of course, we both shared an adventurous bend to our sexual desires.
But it turned out she wasn’t the woman I thought she was.
It was a tremendous moral failing to sleep with a student. A conflict of interest with an enormous power imbalance. She controlled his future in the palm of her hand. The implications were tremendous. What if she wanted to do something new in the bedroom, and Zack didn’t? He would feel pressured to do it anyways. Their relationship might continue longer than it should due to his desire not to upset his professor. Jessica might have been grading him easier, and a bad breakup could lead to her grading him more harshly. I didn’t think that was true of Jessica, but such biases were often difficult to account for. It was the reason that kind of relationship was not permitted.
It was one thing to sleep with him before he was her student. An unfortunate coincidence. But to keep doing it once the semester began? It was indefensible. It showed guiltiness of both knowledge and intent. She knew what she was doing.
The worst part? I still cared about her deeply. I didn’t want to break up with her. I wanted to tell her it was okay and then fold her into my arms and breathe in her scent. I desperately wanted to forget everything I had learned and go back to the way things were. Ignorance truly was bliss.
But I was not an ignorant man.
I can’t be with her.
I went through my lectures that day automatically and without emotion. My heart wasn’t in it. One of my students, a bright-eyed girl named Cassandra, asked me after class if everything was okay. I told her I was feeling under the weather. She smiled and offered to bring me chicken noodle soup. I politely declined.
See? I thought after she had left. It’s not hard to turn down a student’s advances.
I went back to my office after class and stared at my computer screen. My heart ached, a physical pain in my chest. I wanted nothing more than to go home and mope on the couch. To wallow in my misery. But finals were coming up and I had too much work to do. I couldn’t allow this to disrupt me.
Above all, I’m a professor, I thought stubbornly. It’s the most important thing to me.
Before I could get to work, a knock came on the office door. I wondered if it was Jessica coming to mend things. How would I react if she pleaded with me? If she begged me to stay with her? I was afraid that I might forgive her.
Worse, I was afraid I couldn’t.
But when I opened the door it wasn’t Jessica standing before me.
In fact, it was the last person I expected.
43
Jessica
My guilt was too strong to ignore. I knew what I had to do.
I was going to meet with Dean Richards and confess. Tell her that Zack and I had been having a relationship all semester.
I shuddered at the thought. Not only would I lose my job, but that stigma would follow me around for the rest of my life. I would forever be known as that professor, the one who fucked her student. It wasn’t a crime since we were both consenting adults, but it was still wrong. I would be shunned by my peers. Blackballed from jobs at other universities. I would likely need to find a whole new career.
I would cross that bridge when I came to it. First I needed to make things right.
I met Melanie in my office. She looked wary of me until I told her what I was going to do.
“What I’ve done is wrong,” I said. “I see that now. I’m going to schedule a meeting with Dean Richards and confess to everything.”
She sighed. “I’m relieved to hear that, Professor Morris. I’m sorry for putting you in this position.”
“You have nothing to apologize for,” I insisted. “You helped give me the push I needed. I doubt my word will be worth anything once I’m fired, but I will tell my replacement that you are a fantastic GTA.”
Melanie smiled awkwardly, said goodbye, and then left.
I spent the next ten minutes staring at my desk phone before finally making the call. Dean Richards’ administrative assistant picked up.
“I need to schedule a meeting with the Dean as soon as possible.”
“Her schedule is quite busy, I’m afraid. The earliest I could squeeze you in is next Friday…”
There was no way I could wait that long. “Tell her it’s an emergency.”
“May I ask what this is about?” she asked.
I fucked one of my students, I thought.
“Just tell her she’s going to want to hear this ASAP.” I hung up the phone.
I felt marginally better after making the phone call, even though I hadn’t actually admitted to anything yet. But I was on the right path. The first step still counted. Soon all of this would be behind me, for better or worse.
My satisfaction lasted all of ten seconds. Then Dominic walked into my office.
And Zack and Finn were right behind him.
“I…” I sputtered in shock. “What are you doing here? What’s going on?”
Finn closed my office door. “Don’t mind me. Just here for moral support.” He went to the far corner of my office and leaned against the wall, arms crossed.
“We need to talk to you,” Dominic said in his deep voice. He sat in one chair across from my desk, and Zack sat in the other. My shame was directly proportional to his proximity to me, and it skyrocketed now that he was in my office. I couldn’t look at him so I turned to Dominic instead.
“I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me,” I said in a small voice.
“I didn’t,” Dominic replied simply.
Zack cleared his throat. “Jessica, I’ve decided to drop your class.”
I almost fell out of my chair. “What? No!”
“If I’m not in your class, then there’s no conflict of interest. Problem solved.” He wiped his hands as if that concluded matters.
“The final drop date was months ago,” I said. “If you drop it now you won’t get a refund. And you’ll get an F for the class.”
“Don’t care,” he said happily. “One F won’t hurt my transcript.”<
br />
“What about your scheduling issues? You said you needed these three credits this semester in order to graduate on time.”
“I’ll take another history class next summer.”
“And graduate late?”
Zack shrugged. “I’ve been here almost four years. A little longer won’t kill me.”
“This is the best course of action,” Dominic chimed in. “It’s the best for everybody.”
It’s not the best for Zack, I thought. “Why are you involved, Dominic? I thought you hated me now.”
He tensed. “I could never hate you, Jessica.”
“You know what I mean.”
He sighed and leaned forward in his chair, running a hand through his perfect brown hair. He seemed conflicted as he chose his words carefully.
“I felt betrayed when I learned about Zack,” he finally said. “Not only is it immoral, but you lied to me. When you mentioned knowing a student who would be interested in joining us in bed, I specifically said it was fine—so long as they weren’t one of our students. You had an opportunity to tell me then, but you chose a lie of omission instead.”
“I was scared,” I said softly. “I did not want you to think less of me.”
“Understandable. Having a relationship with one of your students is completely immoral. It goes against everything I believe in. Once I found out, I couldn’t believe you would risk your career so flippantly.”
He glanced at Zack.
“Then Zack paid a visit to my office.”
“It was my idea,” Finn piped up from the back corner. “I told him to go.”
“I had assumed the worst of your relationship,” Dominic went on. “I assumed it was purely physical. A professor using her position of power to seduce a student. But Zack told me about it. How it began at a bachelorette party before you knew he was a student. He told me you insisted it never happen again, that you remain professional. But that neither of you could stop yourselves.”
