“I know that’s true. Our relationship felt like a wound that can finally start to heal. It needed closure and their reaction, calling my baby a bastard, set a tone. I will never allow anyone to treat her like that. In that phone call, I knew what needed to be done and I cut them from my life.” I could hear the words and the irritation over the phone. We were never a happy family and never would be. I did the one thing they never could—set us all free. I felt better for it and I would do it all over again but sooner.
“Don’t dwell too hard on it. Your achievements are proof enough to them of who you are. Even though they’re not worth proving anything for. Live for you and the baby. It all will work out, and in due time. You’re not moving out. You’ll live here with me. I’ll watch my godchild as much as I can. I’ll drive Spider’s truck and you can take my car as much as you need until you get your degree and then you can figure out what you want from there.”
“No.”
“Yes, you will.”
“No,” I demand, shaking my head. “I have to do this on my own. I need to do this on my own.”
“The fuck you do not. So, you can help me, but you can’t accept my help? That makes no sense. Put your pride away. There isn’t any room for that here. None. You are not going to stop now. Do you honestly believe I’ve never had help from my family along the way? Of course, I did.”
“That’s different.” Her family has always loved and supported her. Mine is the horrible opposite.
“You’re insulting me. Knock your shit off. Are your pride and trust issues worth it? Because you are costing the future for your baby too, just to point that out.”
“Wow, don’t hold back what you’re thinking.” Biting my nail, I think over Jazzy’s words. They have some truth, but what I can’t do is give in so easily, and she knows it. I’m trying to go with the flow and keep my sanity through it all. It’s so damn hard to change that side of me. “You know I trust you. It’s hard to let it all go and my world has been dumped upside down. I need change and I see that. I want to be happy. I do.”
She gives me a tender look and goes on. “I do get it. I’m here with you. Life has tossed you out on your ass, literally. Maybe, it did this to help you start over. Take it and rebuild it how you want it. Remember, Spider isn’t going to care if you’re here. In fact, I’m going to tell him. You’ll see. Don’t say anything now, or give up on your dream just yet. We have to get to work at the salon. We’ll pretend to argue later so you can feel better about all this.” Jazzy laughs and picks up her purse, gloating. She still puts in a day or two around her schedule at the tattoo shop. Jazz missed doing it, so Spider helps cover the books for her. In truth, he also enjoys monitoring both their MC world and their business.
“I have no idea why I have attached myself to you.” Shutting off the computer, I slip my feet into my wedges and follow behind. Jazzy has saved my ass. She talked to the owner at the salon where she started working and got me a chair to work from. Funny thing, she ordered all new supplies and said she didn’t need her old stuff. Yeah, right. “Hey.” Jazzy stops and turns around to face me. “Thank you. For all of it.”
“You know I would help you. Girl, you are the sister I’ve never had. It means something to me to give you what you need. You know that. Besides, I live here rent free too. Spider pays all the bills.” She shrugs and opens the door, ushering me out. Together, they found a house to buy with four bedrooms, with top freaking security installed and in a nice neighborhood.
“I’m pretty sure Spider bought this house to fill it with your kids and not your friends,” I joke.
“True. But family is family. So, drop the guilt. If it were one of his brothers that needed help, it wouldn’t be any different.”
For now, I let it go because I do need to think this all through. It breaks my heart that I would be away from my baby while I do my clinic hours, schoolwork, and cut hair at every possible leftover minute of the day to get me through the bachelor’s program. Not too long ago, I finished my associate program, but I want to finish it all so bad, and I’m so damn close. On the ride over to the shop, I think over my options and try to place all the pieces together. I’m glad it’s not my first day here, but at least today I have more appointments booked. What I really need is to book longer appointments, like color. An idea pops into my head and I make a post on social media, add a few hashtags to target the local people, specifically women, and include a sale on color. I need new clients and starting over is going to take some effort on my part.
Jazzy parks her sports car and my focus is on the roar of bikes parking next to us. “What did you do?” My head whips around to Jazzy and my jaw hangs open.
“You have a full day booked. Spider rounded up the guys to get their hair cut today. I looked at your schedule on your phone and sent over to him what times you’re open. Pound an energy drink, it’s going to be a fast day, but we got you.”
Nerves skate up my spine. It’s as if the past collides with my present. Will they all expect something from me? Doubt encircles all around me like a fog. I want to run back to California. Jazzy comes from out of nowhere it seems, because during my panic attack, I didn’t notice her get out of the car. She holds my door open and encourages me. “Today, you don’t think, just do.”
Spider is the first one to approach me. “High and tight. Let’s go, I’ve got shit to get back to.” He sounds like an asshole, but he knows I needed it. Needed the blast of arrogance to get me past myself, away from the softness in me, and bring out the fighter.
“Let’s get it done, so you can get back to doing nothing but annoying people all day. High and uptight. Got you, bro.”
Spider exudes cocky and holds the door open to the shop for us. It doesn’t escape me Jazzy cuts his hair, for free at that. On my way past, I simply say, “Thank you,” and leave it at that. He does so much more for me than this twenty-dollar cut. I’ve been a guest in his home, and he also got me here, with no angry side comments or snide remarks. I’m thankful because he’s real.
I’m privileged spending the day with Jazzy’s extended family. I pretend the fifty-dollar haircuts are normal and it’s just another day at work. It’s a real kindness I’ve never experienced, and it starts to sink in what the difference is. Giving without any expectations of any kind. Their thoughtfulness washes over me and I think, why the hell did Jazzy ever take so long to move here? I’m in love with them all after one day. I feel lighter by the end of the night as I kick off my shoes. I have a good thing going here, and I can feel it deep in my chest. It’s not close to perfect, but a day at a time.
8
Cowboy
The ride across the state of Nevada to Ely is hot and I’m bogged down with memories and what is to come. Angus is dying. I know this down to my bones. He wouldn’t call me to come back unless it was life or death, and in his case, the end. He’s battled his health for years and it’s time to call it. It’s a sting of truth we all have to face and for me to find the strength to say goodbye. I didn’t want to come, and it wars inside of me like a knife plunged into my chest. For him, I will fight anything to see him, even if it is myself.
Pulling into the barn-style clubhouse of the Silver Creek brothers, it does not feel like coming home again. It feels like just the opposite for me, walking into a place best left in the rearview mirror. The brothers crowd the yard, including one in particular I swore I would never see the face of—Bull. He’s Angus’s son, and no longer my family. I’ll always respect the man, but his son is no one to me anymore.
Just as I thought of him, Angus stands hunched over at the door with oxygen up his nose and a smoke in hand. Crazy fucker is going to blow himself up. “Angus, you bastard. Take the oxygen off when you smoke at least.”
His belly shakes and he tosses his cigarette in the ashtray on the deck. “You got a point. Damn stuff is strapped to me and I forget about it.” After a round of hellos from old friends and brothers, I finally make my way to Angus. “Damn, son, I’m glad you cam
e. Are you staying for the party tonight? We got a room for ya, if you want it.”
“I’ll be here for the party. I should go and check on my mom, or my dad will have my ass.”
“They’ve been good, I hear. How are you doing?” He ambles slowly over to the bar. His decaying presence in the world twists my guts. You never want to see them go, but they leave nonetheless. His wife died from cancer years back. I believe he only held on for his son and grandkids. He sits in a La-Z-Boy next to the bar and a chuckle rattles loose from the ache in my body. “You like my chair? I can’t hang like you young bucks. My body needs the comfort, and besides, I’m too old to give a fuck about anything else.” Slowly, he lowers into his chair and I slide onto a stool next to him.
“I can see the advantages of it. I bet you’ve walked in a time or two to a passed-out brother in it.”
Bull walks behind the bar, dead set on getting my attention. I made my way around him outside and he isn’t taking the hint as well as I wanted. He has his road name for a reason, and he’s a damn fool if he thinks he can bait me into any type of confrontation. “Still drinkin’ Miller?”
I dip my chin and take the beer from across the bar top. The crack of the can echoes in the room. I hold up my beer and salute, “To Angus. A man of many friends and family.” The tension lessens a bit, and the crowd disperses around the room.
“You always were full of shit,” he huffs and Bull walks around to hand his dad a whiskey neat. Leaving us alone, Bull finds a seat with his brothers. “You’re stubborn also. Bull regrets the day you two fought. He’s a good man. Why don’t you talk to him? Mend fences, so to speak.”
“Is that why I’m here? So, you can make things right before you take the next step?”
“Yes. And you know you were like a son to me. We never could have more kids and you were at my house with Bull since you were five. I’m leaving, son, I ain’t coming back, and I needed to take care of you too.”
“One stone with two birds, so to speak?”
“Smartass.” The look he gives me is one of humor but deep turmoil.
“You know, Angus, if it came down to it, if Bull needed me, I wouldn’t leave him hangin’. The club, your kid, and grandkids will all be okay. You head on over to the woman you love when you’re ready. You did your part in life, the rest is on us, ya know?”
“Hell, boy, if you could promise me my woman and my strength back, I’d happily walk out that door this second and make a run for it.”
“Hell yeah, I reckon that’s what heaven is. Endless days of sunshine, beer, and a woman at your side for eternity.”
“What about now? You got you one of them sweet things? Or are you still struttin’ like a cock in a henhouse?”
“Well, I decided that love wasn’t in the cards for this cock and I’ve been growing my business. Truckin’ just like Dad. Ranching like my brother, Levi, wasn’t for me. I’m happy, Angus. I made a good home where I’m at.”
“Son, you know you can always adopt kids if you wanted them. And that doesn’t mean that you can’t find you a good woman to stay by your side if you can’t give her kids. There are other ways, so don’t throw in the towel, Cowboy.”
I choke on my beer. Since the night I found out, only one person knew. Not only did she tell my secret, but she also left me for my best friend, a man who could give her kids. Him saying the words unload a venom in my soul. My defenses rear up and I’m ready to move on. Goodbyes and good graces be damned. “Some truths aren’t meant to be shared. I’d appreciate we drop the topic. Hell, I better get over to see my mom.”
But I don’t go home to my mom’s. The last thing I want is for her to be digging into why I’m here and upset. Everyone has an idea, but the truth has been kept hidden, up until now. How could I stay when I knew they would be announcing their baby? Worst yet, knowing that my best friend betrayed me. For me, it was easier to run than to live within the problems stirred up in this valley. Bull and I would have fought, fighting for dominance within the MC. It was a poison and I wanted to forget. It was my choice to leave, and it was the best decision I ever made. Bull had his peace and so did I.
I drive my truck to the gas station and pick up more liquor to drown the past. I park my Ford at the top of the hill we all used to party at as kids and drop the tailgate. It reminds me of Angie. I hadn’t gone out drinking in the hills in a long time, never after I left here. That night with her, it was familiar but new at the same time. I could be myself and there was no past, no future, just the now, just us. Back then, it felt like all I had was the future in front of me.
With every drink of tequila, I slip further and further back into the past . . .
“Come on, Colton, check the rope. Are you ready?” my best friend and brother hollers above me. Dylan waits for me before he pulls the latch. The bull underneath me that I’m tied to rears up in the bunking chute. His mass rattles the metal, and my head hits the cage. His ginormous body falls forward with a thud.
Quickly, I check my riggin’ and I throw a hand up. “Let’s go, boys!”
Dylan pulls the latch and the bull fires out of the chute. The longest eight seconds of my life starts while I hold my weight on a raging animal. My muscles burn and my torso feels like it could break with every kick from the bull.
The buzzer sounds and I lurch forward and pull on the rope to free my hand. I jump off and turn to see the bull is heading my way. The crowd cheers as I raise up two hands and look to Dylan. Sadie, my girl, stands next to him and, between the two, they argue over hushed whispers. The crowd changes to a roar and my gut sinks. Just as I look for the bull, it’s too late.
Fuck, I shake my head and pull out of the past like an uncovered dick in a hooker. Some shit is best left forgotten. I remember, all it takes is a moment one night and everything changes. Right before your eyes, the world tilts on its axis and the view is completely different.
Tossing the practically empty bottle into the sagebrush, I decide that being here isn’t worth the pain. I push off the tailgate and decide I can make it back to Reno in about five hours. I’ve hauled longer trips than this in my semi.
Turning up the radio, I navigate out of the backcountry and promise myself to call my mom tomorrow. She’s going to throw a fit, but it won’t be the first or last time. In town, I grab some coffee and haul ass out of the valley I grew up in and grew to hate.
You would think by now that I would know better. And as I’m close to home, I see the trucker myth come to life. A black dog passes the abandoned highway, and its eyes catch me falling asleep. I swerve to miss the dog and dirt flies all around my truck. The crunching of steel drowns out my yell as the truck rolls, and I’m tossed around, barely held in place by my seatbelt. My head ricochets off the steering wheel, and it all goes black.
9
Angie
Shouting stirs me up from a deep sleep. Panic erupts from my body and the reaction is foreign, not believable, because I’m still waking up. I roll over and grip my phone to see it’s three in the morning. Tugging on my shorts, I pull a sweatshirt over my sleep tank to go see what’s going on.
In the living room, Spider paces back and forth, shouting into his phone. Jazz sits on the couch with her knees up to her chest. “What’s going on?” I wrap one arm around her and snuggle into her side.
She pulls in a deep breath. “Blade couldn’t get ahold of Cowboy earlier. He didn’t answer, so he had Spider track him down. His phone was off and an hour away from here. After more digging, we found out he was in an accident. He was emergency airlifted to Reno. We haven’t found out much. You know, privacy rules.” Her hand holds my forearm with a fierce grip.
My body starts to tremble. It doesn’t make sense, but what if he is the baby’s dad and I never get a chance to find out? I never got to tell him. So many questions swirl around my mind. No, I didn’t know him well, but I care. He was such a sweet guy when we met.
“I’m going to the hospital to see if I can find his parents. They may be there, and h
opefully, they’ll tell us something.” Spider picks up his cut from the couch and threads his arms through it.
Together, Jazz and I stand, wanting to go with him. Spider pulls Jazzy to him and whispers, “Let me go see what’s going on. As soon as I hear something, I’ll call. I may be running around and not get anywhere.” He kisses her forehead and wraps her up into his body. The intimacy between them makes me feel like a voyeur into their lives.
I turn away, not feeling comfortable in their moment, and walk to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. Rooted deep in me, I feel a yearning for a family, a home to go where your people are. I have never seen one filled with love and trust. My life was a far cry from what the movies portray or what I have seen around me. My parents are deeply religious, yet at the same time, so far from what the word ‘family’ actually means. The Battle Born MC showed me that love, trust, and family is real. Unfortunately, it’s just never been in the cards for me.
In this moment, I believe that I’m okay with not having a love of a lifetime. All because I have a chance at something greater—to be a mom. This morning taught me that it doesn’t matter how I get my life situated with nursing school and what I do for work because my greatest accomplishment will be the family I build by myself.
The front door closes and Jazzy walks over to me. “Looks like you’re deep in thought by yourself over there.”
I give her the quick and fast run-down of what I was just thinking and add on, “I do hope he’s okay. I don’t think I can get to sleep until I know something.”
“You know, I’m really freaking proud of you. You may have come kicking and screaming, but at the end of it, you’re dealing with it.” She sighs. “And yeah, me too. I hope he’s okay, because we all need some good news. Cowboy is a decent guy, and he could use a break too.”
Twisted Steel: An MC Anthology: Second Edition Page 63
