by Alyson Belle
He raised a trembling hand to his face, reeling in his shattered illusions of the hideous figure he’d expected to make as a woman. True, some of his features were still masculine, but they provided an almost sexy androgyny to the woman in the mirror, not unlike the faces of some of the women he’d worn across his thousand prior lifetimes. His pulse raced and chills ran across his body. It was the first time he’d ever felt right looking at himself in a mirror.
“What do you think?” Marisa asked carefully.
“I… I’m amazed,” he murmured. “I never imagined I could look… like this.” Again he ran his fingers across the silky smoothness of his face and legs, marveling at how amazing it felt.
But then he felt the tears coming up again. He fought them back, not wanting to ruin Marisa’s amazing makeup job.
She leapt up and ran to him, sensing his change in demeanor immediately. “Jamie, stop. It’s okay. What’s the matter?”
He fled the mirror and ran into the living room to drop on the couch in misery, and Marisa followed him in.
“You don’t understand!” he wailed, hugging his hands tightly around his sides. “This just makes everything worse…”
“How, Jamie? How does it make everything worse? I just wanted to show you that you are beautiful. All of those ideas you have about not being pretty enough, being too masculine… it’s not true.”
“But I am a man! Looking pretty doesn’t change anything, Marisa. I still have a cock, I don’t know how to do any of what you did tonight… it doesn’t change anything. If anything, I know that looking this way is possible now but I feel like a fraud… it makes it worse that I can’t really be who I truly am! I couldn’t do this every day… couldn’t go out like this… You don’t understand…”
Now he did burst into tears, makeup or no makeup. It was all too much. She’d shattered his illusions in one way, but in others it felt so much worse… like he was closer than ever to his dream, but it was still tantalizingly out of sight.
“You can, Jamie. You can if you want to. It won’t be easy, but if it’s who you really are…”
She reached a hand out for his shoulder but he swatted it away and kept crying, thinking about everything he’d have to go through to make what she was saying possible. Hormones, humiliation, maybe surgery… It seemed impossible.
“Jamie… I know the world we grew up in condemned this, but this isn’t the world we grew up in. People are more accepting now. You’d have love… support… They wouldn’t even care at your job! You’re not even the only transgender person there.”
But it wasn’t really the social ridicule that was destroying him inside, and he knew it. It wasn’t the difficulty. It was the shame he felt of failing Liam. It’d never be the same for Liam as their past lives. He couldn’t really be the woman Liam wanted… the woman Liam deserved. It felt heartbreaking and overwhelming.
“It’s my fault,” he murmured. “It has to be my fault… I did something, I must have done something in one of my past lives… this is my punishment. This is the end of our love story.”
“You’re not even making sense!” Marisa said. “What are you talking about? This isn’t your fault!”
But it was. He blamed himself. Everything was wrong, and everything was awful. He was the reason he and Liam could never be together.
Jamie rose suddenly and slipped his shoes on, desperate to get away from Marisa, desperate to get away from all of this. He felt humiliated and ashamed and like his chest was constricting.
“I need to go,” he muttered. “I need to go, I need to go.” His head was all turned around. Everything was confusing and his pulse was racing. He felt miserable.
“Jamie! Stop! You can’t—you can’t go out like that, it’s not safe!”
But Jamie was beyond caring about his personal safety. He felt destroyed down to the very core of his soul. He didn’t even care who saw him—it didn’t matter. He opened the door and fled, running out into the night in his dress, blonde curls bobbing around his head, tears flowing down his cheeks.
“Jamie? Jamie!” Marisa cried after him.
Jamie ignored her and ran.
Nothing mattered anymore.
Chapter 7
Jamie hardly noticed the cool night air whipping at his freshly-shaven legs as the dress fluttered around his sprinting strides. As he drew closer to his destination his pace slowed. The route to the bridge was an intentional choice this time. There had been a few people he’d passed along the way, but he was beyond caring whether anyone was judging him, and the looks of surprise he’d drawn seemed to have more of a character of concern for a tear-streaked girl racing through the night than a man in drag—he saw that now and it didn’t matter. He knew the truth, and there was no freedom from it. Liam would never be able to love him, never be able to accept him like this, even if he could pass as a woman. He’d still be faking.
There was only one solution he could see—it’d be better to end his suffering now, even if it broke their chain of a thousand lifetimes. Better that than face the shame of owning up whatever he’d done to deserve this.
His whole body felt cold and sick as he neared the steps up to the bridge, and there was a heaviness in his heart weighing him down. He felt sick with guilt and self-loathing. Should he call Liam one last time before he did it? Leave a message and explain his decision? Or would that just make it worse? Liam would have to understand. He’d have to. Marisa would be mad at him forever, but it wasn’t going to matter soon anyway what either of them thought.
He just knew he couldn’t live like this. He wasn’t strong enough. There was too much baggage from his life, too much baggage from his religious upbringing. Too much shame at failing to be the woman Liam deserved. He’d never felt strong, and he felt exceptionally weak tonight as he ascended each stone step with the determination of mounting his own gallows. It would all be for the best, he assured himself.
But as Jamie reached the top of the steps, he suddenly saw something that froze him in place and flooded his entire body with dread.
Liam.
Jamie’s heart leapt into his throat. Liam was standing on the very same precipice where Jamie had stood only weeks ago, facing away from him. Jamie recognized the stance all too well—the unmistakable posture of a broken man screwing up his courage to jump to his death. All of the thoughts that had been running through his head, all of his self-loathing and self-pitying evaporated in the face of a singular, soul-shaking fear and concern for Liam.
He burst into a sprint towards Liam, running as fast as he could.
“Liam, Liam! Stop! Don’t!”
At the sound of his name, Liam turned and glanced back toward Jamie, surprise and shock flashing across his face. But the half-turn must have thrown him off balance, because his arms windmilled as he slowly began to wobble on the edge of the precipice with a panicked yell.
Jamie choked back a sob and sprinted harder than he’d ever run before in his life. But he was too late, though he was only paces away—Liam didn’t seem to be able to regain his balance, and his feet slipped against the stone as he tipped back into the yawning, empty air.
Jamie threw himself forward in a final, desperate lunge, reaching desperately. His hands closed against the fluttering corners of Liam’s jacket and gripped hard, and the tension allowed Liam’s feet to find purchase against the side of the stone bridge.
For a moment, the world was frozen in time and neither of them dared move. Jamie’s arms shook as he held onto the jacket as tightly as he could. Liam’s teeth were gritted as his locked legs braced his feet against the ledge at an angle, suspended over the churning, black water. Neither of them dared to disturb the perfect balance that held Liam back from certain doom.
Then, Jamie took a deep breath and pulled with every ounce of strength he had. It was enough to pull the larger man back up onto the ledge, and Liam immediately jumped down beside him.
The two of them stared at one another, both stunned into silence and breathing
hard.
“Jamie?” Liam finally asked hesitantly. “Is… is that you?”
The realization of how he was still dressed after his night with Marisa, what he must look like to Liam, suddenly came back to Jamie, and red-hot heat sprang out across his face. He dropped his gaze to the ground and wished desperately to just disappear, to be anywhere but here in front of Liam, dressed as a woman.
Liam stepped closer and placed a finger under Jamie’s chin, forcing him to look up at him.
But rather than horror, rather than judgment, Jamie was shocked to see that Liam was smiling with a twinkle of amusement in his eye.
“You think this is funny?” Jamie demanded, rage flaring. He slapped Liam’s fingers away. “You think it’s funny to see me in a dress like this? You think this was easy? I did this for you!”
Liam’s smile dropped as he quickly shook his head and raised his hands defensively. “N-no, Jamie. Stop. I don’t think that at all.”
“What then? Why are you laughing at me?”
Liam shook his head and tried (and failed) to suppress another chuckle. “You don’t understand. I—you’ve always been like this. So defensive. So… adorable.”
Adorable? The word caught Jamie off-guard, and he didn’t know how to respond.
“I was smiling at you because I was… well, I admit I was shocked to see you like this, but Jamie… you’re beautiful. Right now you look just like so many of the women you’ve been before. You’re gorgeous like this, you know that? Have you seen yourself? It’s… a stunning transformation. You did this for me?”
Jamie crossed his arms and frowned. “It doesn’t matter why I did it. It’s not real. I can’t really be your wife like this. It would never work. I must have done something. Something terrible. And now everything is wrong and it won’t ever be right again.”
Liam held up a hand again. “Jamie, please, stop. Just slow down and talk to me, okay?”
“Fine, let’s talk. Why would you do that?” Jamie demanded. “How dare you! I saw what you were about to do. You were going to kill yourself! Why, damn it? You’re normal. You’re wonderful. You have everything to live for. Do you know how selfish that is? Did you even think about what it would do to me if you were gone, knowing what we both know?”
Pain and surprise flashed across Liam’s face. “I… I…” Then his shoulders slumped and he looked away. “I thought I’d ruined everything,” he said quietly.
Jamie couldn’t help but choke out his own strained laugh, now. “You thought you ruined everything? By doing what? By being honest with me?”
“No, by being a coward.”
“What?”
“When we were here last time, when we kissed… it was electric. I know you felt it too. But it surprised me. I spent so long looking for you, knowing you were out there, and then only to discover that you had somehow been born a man this time… it was a lot. The kiss was confusing for me, because I loved it. I felt it too. I did. How could I not? I was just surprised and confused by my own reaction. And so I reacted… very poorly. And then you ran. I tried to catch you but I lost you. When I got home, I felt so ashamed and miserable. I’ve been trying to call you for weeks, trying to reach you the only way I knew how. When you didn’t answer any of my messages, I thought I’d lost you forever.”
“I don’t blame you,” Jamie said, clutching his chest even tighter and staring at the ground. “For feeling the way you did on the bridge. What you said.”
“No,” Liam said forcefully. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. Don’t you understand? That’s why I’m ashamed, Jamie. How many lives have we lived together? How many impossible circumstances have we overcome together before? Rich and poor, different races, different religions—none of it has ever mattered. We’ve always found a way to be together. That’s what I needed so desperately to tell you in person. I needed you to hear me say it. There is nothing—nothing—that could keep me from wanting to be with you in the end. You’re my soulmate. You always have been. And I love you. I don’t care about the circumstances. I don’t care who you are or what you look like. I’ve been at this bridge every night, hoping you’d return. But when you didn’t come back, after weeks and weeks… well, tonight I lost hope that you ever would.”
Jamie lifted his eyes to gaze into Liam’s, and saw only the earnest truth of his words and the fierce, unbridled love of the man he’d known in a thousand prior lifetimes. He choked back tears, but they came anyway, spilling silently down his face once again.
Liam stepped forward and swept Jamie into his arms. His breath caught as Liam tipped him back and kissed him full on the mouth, and his arms circled around the back of Liam’s neck almost instinctively. Again the electric, almost magical current passed through Jamie’s body, and his tears dried as he relaxed into the sweet satisfaction of the kiss. He allowed Liam to hold him there for what seemed like an eternity.
“I love you too, Liam,” he said, finally breaking away. “But how… how can we possibly make this work?”
“I don’t care how it works,” Liam replied. “I just want to be with you.” He paused and glanced down at Jamie’s body, smiling. “I admit you don’t look or feel very much like a man to me right now, though.”
Jamie blushed and dropped his eyes. “I like it, you know. Being dressed like this. Looking like this. Feeling like this. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I have so much shame and loathing about it. But I’ve never felt more right than right at this moment. I hated it because I didn’t feel like I could possibly be good enough for you.”
“There is no way you could ever be that isn’t good enough for me,” Liam said. “I would be with you, and make things work, however you were. However you are. But if this is how you want to be all the time, if you’re saying you’re transgender… well, I certainly have no issue with that. I’ll support you however I can.”
Jamie sniffled as his voice dropped to a whisper. “I think I am. I do think I need to be like this. It’s going to be so hard, Liam. Pills and therapy… maybe surgery. I don’t know… I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I didn’t feel strong enough tonight. I’m just as selfish as you.”
Liam looked confused for a moment, and then he looked back at the ledge where he’d been standing. When he turned back to Jamie there was a fierce protectiveness in his eyes.
“You are strong enough, if that’s what you want. And I’ll be here supporting you and loving you every step of the way.”
Jamie didn’t know whether he wanted to cry or laugh. Maybe both. An overwhelming surge of love for Liam rolled across his body, and he hugged him as tight as he possibly could. When he drew back, a wide, dreamy smile spreading across his face, he saw that Liam was chuckling again.
“What? What now?”
“Well… you look beautiful, absolutely, but you also look like a hot mess. Your mascara is everywhere. It’s adorable.”
Jamie stared at him in shock for a long moment and then burst into laughter. “I guess I have a lot to learn about being a woman. Lesson one: don’t cry with mascara on.”
Liam flashed a smile. “Somehow I think you’ll have an edge there, considering how many women you’ve been. Come on. Why don’t we go back to my place and get you cleaned up?”
Jamie grasped Liam’s hand tightly and nodded, and Liam led him back to where his car was parked and opened the door for Jamie to get in. Jamie blushed. Their conversation tonight had changed everything for him. He—or rather, he supposed he should start getting used to calling himself she now—felt like the door to a whole new world of possibilities had opened. It was night and day. Liam’s acceptance and unconditional statement of love had helped Jamie with something much more important: an acceptance of herself for the woman she truly was and always had been.
Her head spun on this idea, and all the way back to Liam’s place she continued to hold his hand, almost giddy with joy. The idea that she’d almost thrown away all of the possibilities for their life together when she’d finally found he
r answers—and the idea that he had been about to do the same—was heartbreaking. What a difference a small change in perception had made.
She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but knowing that Liam would be by her side, knowing what a wonderful destiny awaited them, gave her the resolve to do whatever she had to. Not only for Liam, but for herself.
It was a dream come true.
Chapter 8
When they got back to his apartment, Jamie excused herself and went to go carefully clean away the streaks of mascara from her face. She smiled at herself in the mirror, still amazed at Marisa’s transformation. She finally felt beautiful, inside and out. And she did look like an adorable, hot mess. She managed to get the worst of the streaks off while leaving most of Marisa’s careful work intact—work she’d have to get her to teach her how to do, later—and stepped back and did a little twirl in her dress. Laughter bubbled up out of her… pure, joyful laughter. It was the first time in a long time she’d felt so light and happy.
She stepped back into Liam’s bedroom to find him sitting on the bed, and when their eyes met his mouth dropped open. She smiled at him.
“What? You liked me better with the mascara streaks?”
Liam seemed at a loss for words. “I just… I can’t get over how beautiful you look. After all of my searching, I finally found you, and then you found your way back to me… I love you so much, Jamie. I feel like the luckiest man in the world.”
She giggled. “You hardly know me.”
“I hardly know you? I know you better than you know yourself, gorgeous. Get over here.”
Now Jamie hesitated, suddenly nervous, but she felt pulled to him by forces beyond her control. She couldn’t stop herself from rushing over into his arms and sitting on his lap. His muscles were taught, and she worried she might feel too heavy, but Liam didn’t seem to mind at all. He nuzzled her face and kissed her, again and again, each time electric, and she kissed him back with more passion than she’d ever known in her life. Everything felt so right with him. Everything except…
