“No,” she said. “He’s living in your old room, but that’s the extent of it. He hurt me. I’m not yet ready to forget or forgive.”
He nodded. Had there also been a faint sigh of relief? “For the baby’s sake, you should. You know, give Ben a chance.”
Just like that, you’re giving up on us? On Jack? Had he already forgotten the nights they’d lain together, feeling the baby kick?
For the longest time, she stared at him, wishing she could see into his head.
“There you are.” Ben sauntered up next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as if he were staking his claim. “I wondered where you’d run off to. You’re missing the game. Hogs are up by ten over Alabama.”
“Wooo pig,” she said. Whether you’d attended the University of Arkansas or not, if you lived in Arkansas, you cheered for the Razorbacks.
“Baby—” Ben addressed her as if Dane weren’t even in the room “—Mama wants to know if we’re free Wednesday night. She wants us to bring Jack by her choir practice.”
“Um, I guess that would be all right.” Dane caught her gaze. With his deep brown eyes, she imagined him telling her he missed her. Too bad that in actuality, he’d already looked away.
“AS MUCH AS I LOVE BENNY,” Nana said to Dane where he sat on the covered back porch steps, “he has no business being a dad. Did you see him fumbling to change Jack’s diaper? He nearly dropped him on his head.” She sat beside him. Everyone else was watching the big game, but Dane couldn’t care less about football. All he could think about was Gabrielle and the haunted look in her eyes.
Dane’s only reply to Nana was a grunt.
“Why aren’t you in there doing something?” Nana asked. “Carry her off to Vegas. I’ll watch the baby.”
“Nana, I’m afraid it’s a little more complicated than that. Ben is Jack’s father. Don’t you think it’d be just a tad dishonorable for me to try breaking up a family?”
“You and your damned honor,” Nana said. From out of her coat pocket, she withdrew a cigar and proceeded to snip off the end, light it and take a big puff.
“What’re you doing?” Dane said, taking it away from her and stomping it out. “Are you trying to do yourself in?”
“That’s what I’m talking about,” she said, calmly taking another cigar from her pocket. “You’ve always had this overinflated sense of justice when half the things you’re judging are none of your business.”
Dane started to speak, but she cut him off.
“I’m nearly triple your age, yet you think you can tell me whether or not I’m allowed to smoke a good cigar. That’s BS.”
What a day this was turning out to be. Dane had already lost Gabrielle and Jack, and now his Nana had turned into a cussing, smoking teen. “I’m thinking that new boyfriend of yours is a bad influence.”
“He’s the best thing to happen to me in twenty years.” She took a deep puff off her cigar, blowing a perfect smoke ring. “Now, back to you. I’ve seen you and Gabrielle together and you have chemistry. Have you kissed her?”
Dane pleaded the Fifth.
“You have! I knew it.”
Cringing, Dane figured it was time to head back inside, but he said, “Whether or not we’ve shared a few intimacies is irrelevant.”
“Don’t pull out those big words with me, Dane Brain. I don’t care how smart you are, at the moment, you’re being pretty damned dumb.” The sweet cigar smoke was starting to give him a headache. Or maybe it was his grandmother’s language.
“Nana, look, I handle cases of broken families all the time. When I thought Ben could be permanently out of the picture, there might’ve been a chance for me and Gabrielle. But now that he’s back, I refuse to come between them. Jack needs his mother and father. End of story.”
TWO WEEKS PASSED, AND DURING Tuesday-night bath time with Jack, Gabby realized she’d forgotten to grab his hooded turtle towel from the dryer.
“Ben!” When a few minutes passed without him coming, she hollered again.
“What’s up?” he asked, taking his iPod headphones out of his ears.
She explained what she needed, and he was off.
He returned with not only the ultrasoft infant towel she’d requested, but all of the other towels that’d been in the dryer. While she finished washing Jack’s hair, Ben folded the towels and then tucked them under the sink.
“Thanks,” she said, rinsing Jack’s hair.
“You know I can do more around here to help out. Especially with the baby.”
She nodded.
“Gab.” He knelt beside her at the tub, lightly splashing Jack. “Ever since I’ve been back, I get the sense you want nothing to do with me. I’m trying here. I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry a million times over, but I can’t do this on my own. You have to meet me halfway.”
Swallowing hard, she nodded.
“I love you, babe. I was a fool for leaving you, but I can’t erase the past.”
“I know,” she said, taking Jack from the warm bath and wrapping him in his towel. “And I am trying. But you hurt me. I needed you, and you weren’t there.” Cradling their son against her chest, she stood. “Do you have any idea how scary that was for me? You know I don’t have any family, and—”
He stood, too, and, bracing her face with his hands, he kissed her slow and sweet. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Let me be your family.”
“I want to, Ben, but I’m scared. What if you leave again?”
“I won’t. Let’s get married. I’ll get a steady job. I’ll become whoever you want me to be.”
Turning her back on him, she went to the nursery to lotion, diaper and clothe her son. Her son.
“Gabby, talk to me.” Ben stood behind her, curving his hands over her shoulders.
“I just need space, okay? I mean, I don’t hear from you in months, and then all of a sudden you’re back, acting as if nothing ever happened.”
He stepped away and sat in the rocker.
Gabby finished with Jack, then kissed the sleepy baby before slipping him into his crib. Signaling for Ben to follow, she left the nursery to curl up on the far corner of the living room sofa.
Ben took the armchair across from her.
She wasn’t sure where to start, so she jumped straight to the heart of their troubles. “Ben…while you were gone everything changed for me. I still love you, but in a different way.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw. “This have anything to do with my brother?”
“No. Why can’t you accept the fact that you messed up? Dane only cleaned up your mess. And I was a mess, Ben. My pregnancy was tough. I was sick all of the time. And then when I was put on bed rest, I had no one to turn to but your brother.”
“Mama would’ve taken you in. She loves you.” He rose to sit beside her and take her hand in his. “Remember how amazing we used to be? How we’d stay up all night laughing over strip Monopoly? How I talked you into taking a sick day during the last big snow, so that we could make his and her snowmen. We used to cook together and throw parties and—”
“Stop,” Gabby said, yanking her hand free to cover her ears. She knew it was juvenile, but she wanted him to quit sugarcoating what he’d done. “I just need time, okay?” Hands fisted on her lap, she struggled to find the right words. “For now, I’m committed to us trying to get back to the way we were, but I can’t make you any promises.”
“Fair enough. But you will try?” He took her hand again, unclenching her fingers, tenderly tracing the lines on her palm.
“Of course. For Jack.”
“I want more,” he said, “I want you to want me for you. We shared something special. We can make a fresh start.”
More than anything, Gabby longed for just such a thing, only she feared she didn’t want it with Ben, but with his big brother.
Chapter Fourteen
“This is wrong,” Dane said, sliding into the black leather booth seat across from Gabrielle. She’d called him the previous night, asking him
to meet her and the baby for lunch at a downtown steakhouse. The lighting was intimate, booths compartmentalized—like miniature rooms. The place, with its mahogany-paneled walls, white-clothed tables and antique brick floors was a favorite among the courthouse crowd. The tantalizing scent of fresh-grilled steaks didn’t hurt, either. Dane had wanted to turn Gabrielle down, but he wasn’t strong enough.
“What’s wrong with two friends sharing a meal?”
“Are we just friends?”
She looked to Jackson, who was sleeping in his carrier. Fussing with his blanket, tucking it just so about his tiny feet, she said, “I don’t know how to say this, so I’m going to just come out with it. I’m trying so hard to make things work with Ben, but that scares me. If I love him, why does being with him feel like work?”
“Wish I had an answer for you,” he replied, his heart shattering.
Leaning forward, her hands tightly clasped on the table, she asked, “How is it we’re this supposedly perfect little family when Ben’s kisses feel flat to me? Our conversations dull? I want to make things work between us, but you’re in the way. Only, that’s stupid because Ben’s the man I’m supposed to be with.”
Her words sliced through him. To try exorcising Gabrielle from his system, Dane had gone on a date with a fellow judge. Five minutes in, he’d wanted out. The whole thing had felt sour.
“Say something. You’re acting like the old you. You’re like a stone—cold and unyielding.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” he said, glaring at the menu. “I’m the same as I’ve always been.”
“Are you? Then how come you won’t smile at me, or even look at our baby?”
He swallowed the wrong way on a gulp of water. After an awkward coughing fit, he managed to say, “Yes, I put a lot of time into making sure you and the baby were healthy, but that doesn’t give me any legal right to him. We’ve been over this.”
“I’m not talking about legalities, Dane. I miss my friend,” Gabrielle said in a forceful whisper. “Do you even remember the first time you experienced Jack kick? How you held your hand on my stomach and we watched him move around?”
“Of course I remember, but what does that have to do with anything? Ben’s back. He wants you and his son. End of story. Now, where’s the damned waitress? I need to get back to court.”
The waitress came and went. Dane ordered a French dip and iced tea. Gabby got a Reuben and stuck with her water.
“I want to hold him,” Dane said, nodding toward her baby boy. He wanted to pretend, if only for a moment, he was Jack’s father. During the time he’d been with Gabby, there was so much Dane had looked forward to. He’d wanted to share in first smiles and crawling. Eating solid foods and walking.
Without saying a word, Gabrielle scooped Jackson from his carrier and passed him over the table into Dane’s outstretched arms.
How long Dane had wanted to hold the baby boy, but Ben had always been near. He didn’t want his brother bearing witness to what would undoubtedly be an emotional time. Jackson’s weight was slight against his chest, yet he radiated warmth. His smell was intoxicating. Like baby lotion and powder and everything innocent and good. Tears stung Dane’s eyes.
“Look…” he said, nuzzling Jack’s feathery hair “Gabrielle, my time with you was some of the happiest in my life. Had Ben not returned—with your blessing—I’d be living with you and Jack now. My house is cold and lonely. There’s no color. No sound. No heart. I’m losing my mind without you—not a good thing for a judge.” His flashed smile was wry.
“Oh, Dane…” Her face radiated good health and beauty, but also sadness. “I had no idea.”
“Well…it’s not something I broadcast. I feel like a freakin’ nut case.”
“Then you’re in good company. I’m the same.” Bowing her head, she covered her face with her hands. “I promised Ben that for Jack’s sake, I would at least try making things work between us, but I don’t know if I can.”
“You can and will,” Dane said, by instinct, rubbing Jack’s back. “Months ago, you couldn’t stop singing Ben’s praises. Telling me about his guacamole and margaritas. How much you adore his grin.”
“I never said I adore it. I mean, he’s handsome, but…” Blushing furiously, she ducked her gaze.
“I know,” he teased, “nobody compares to me, right?”
Groaning, she said, “I’d laugh about that if I weren’t so afraid it was the truth.”
“Hey…” Clutching Jack snugly against him, Dane switched to Gabrielle’s side of the booth. Cupping his hand to her cheek, stroking her with his thumb, he said, “Truly, we’re going to be great. You and Ben are going to fall into your old happy routine. I’ll find some staid lady lawyer who’s just as dull as me, and—”
“You’re not dull,” she said, covering his hand with hers. “You’re funny and warm and spoiled me rotten.”
“So that’s the whole truth?” He nudged her shoulder. “You just want your own personal manservant back.”
“It was a pretty sweet deal.” Sighing, she rested her head on his shoulder.
“Your new start with Ben will be, too.” Dane kissed Gabrielle’s forehead, hoping he’d find some kind of distraction for himself. A hobby. A dog.
The tears pooling in her eyes physically hurt him. Why, while Ben had still been gone, hadn’t Dane hired a justice of the peace to come marry them in her bedroom? They could’ve had a lavish ceremony later. All that would’ve mattered was Dane getting his ring on her finger. He’d been so worried about not hurting Ben that he hadn’t stopped to consider he was also hurting himself, and, more important, Gabrielle.
ON WEDNESDAY MORNING, Gabby was folding a load of clothes when Ben ambled into the laundry room.
“Hey, beautiful,” he said, kissing the side of her neck. She’d always been ticklish in the spot, which he full well knew.
“Stop,” she said with an automatic giggle.
“Used to be you wouldn’t want me to.”
Sighing, she ignored his loaded statement in favor of folding her favorite long-sleeved red T-shirt. “Is Jack still sleeping?”
“Last time I checked.”
“Which was when?” She sidestepped around him to grab a pile of clothes to take to her room.
“I don’t know. Ten minutes, maybe?” He trailed after her.
On the way to her bedroom, she stopped off in the nursery. Jack was zonked out on his back. His lips made the sweetest suckling motion that made him look all the more adorable.
In her bedroom, while Ben sprawled across her bed, she put away her clothes.
She’d nearly finished when he said, “What do you think about having a party Saturday?”
“What’s the occasion?” She turned off her closet light and shut the door.
“There’s a night game at War Memorial and it’s being televised.” War Memorial was the Razorbacks’ stadium in Little Rock. Though not nearly as big as the main campus’s field in Fayetteville, opponents always felt the heat from the fans’ famous hog calls.
“Who all do you want to invite?” Dane? the butterflies in her stomach hoped.
“I was thinking our old crowd. And Olivia and Stephanie if you’d like.”
“What about Dane?” She tried sounding casual, as if just saying his name didn’t mean so much.
Ben made a face. “He’s not exactly the life of any party.”
“That’s not true,” Gabby argued. “Dane’s a lot of fun.”
Sighing, Ben pressed the heels of his hands into his closed eyes. “You’re killing me here, Gab. I know for whatever reason you’re crushing on my brother, and it’s got to stop. We’re a couple. What don’t you get about that fact?”
“Correction,” Gabby said, “we were a couple. I’m not crushing on Dane. He’s my friend. You and I are two strangers living together, trying to raise a child.”
“Oh—that makes me feel welcome.” Sitting up, he smacked his palm against the wrought-iron footboard. “You promised you’
d give us a try, but from what I can tell, you just don’t give a damn.”
Lips pressed tight, arms folded across her chest, Gabby did a mental count to ten.
“Is your silence the same as an admission?”
“Give it a rest,” she pleaded. “After you left, I had to learn how to live without you. I didn’t even know where you were, let alone if you were ever coming back. You didn’t call, didn’t write, yet you’re acting as if just because I had your baby that gives you a hold on me.”
She stood near enough for him to reach out and stroke her arm. Softening his tone, he said, “I thought we were forgetting the past nine months and starting over.”
“W-we are.” Her voice cracked. “But you’re expecting too much from me too fast. You don’t have a clue how rough the past months have been. I can’t even imagine returning to work in just three weeks. Moreover, you don’t seem to care what I’ve been through. Now, this is my house, and Dane is my friend. If we’re hosting a party, he will be on the invitation list.”
Snorting, Ben said, “He probably won’t come.”
“That’s his prerogative.”
SATURDAY NIGHT, DANE STOOD on Gabrielle’s front porch, ringing the doorbell as if he were a stranger. He resented the hell out of being put in this position. But he apparently didn’t resent it that much, or he wouldn’t have even come.
“You made it,” Gabrielle said, tossing her arms around him for a hug. “Mmm…I’m so happy to see you. Olivia and Stephanie aren’t here yet, and most everyone else is a friend of Ben’s.”
For just an instant, while holding Gabrielle in his arms, Dane had felt whole again, but then she’d let him go.
From inside came a raucous group cheer. Apparently, the Razorbacks had scored.
Gabrielle winced at the noise.
“Where’s Jack?” Dane asked.
“On Ben’s lap. He bought him a baby Hog warm-up suit, hat and socks.” Bowing her head, she said, “He looks cute.”
It had been a beautiful fall day and the temperature was still in the midsixties. Seeing how the crowd gathered around the TV was oblivious to him and Gabrielle even being there, Dane took her hand, leading her to the porch swing. “Talk to me. You look sad.”
A Wedding For Baby (Baby Boom) Page 14
