“Sara, the day care isn’t forever, we’ve paid off your student loans, and we could sell the house if we needed to. The school district is so good here that we’re not going to lose money. Really, you need to relax. Finish your wine.”
“But what if one of us loses our job?”
“Then we’ll figure it out. And I really think that’s a pretty remote possibility.”
“I don’t. Remember how annoyed my boss was when I told him I couldn’t travel for that big deal?”
“Sara, that was years ago now. Plus, he was clueless. He probably didn’t even remember you were pregnant. You’re way too sensitive. Guys say dumb shit all the time. Move on.”
“I guess,” said Sara as she turned back to the bills, but she wasn’t convinced. She had a good relationship with her boss, but he still brought that stupid trip up years later, as if he thought, deep down, he couldn’t really count on her. It was infuriating, really. She had missed so much kid stuff demonstrating her commitment to her job. She had been late. She had gone days without doling out hugs. And then she had drawn a necessary and reasonable boundary. Apparently that’s all it had taken to negate all her previous sacrifices. It made her feel insecure.
At least Scott was doing well at work. He always took the initiative to keep his skills current—the IT guy who was always teaching all the other IT guys how to do their job. He was the whole package—super smart and played well with others. No matter what happened with her job, she could count on Scott to be the anchor for their family.
Count your blessings, not your pennies, Sara reminded herself as she pulled down the screen of her laptop. And she would try. If everything didn’t feel so fragile, it might have been easier.
JUNE
HEATHER
From: Heather Hall
Sent: Sun. 5/31 4:00 p.m.
To: Elizabeth Smith
Subject: Exciting news
I’m so glad you guys are heading to Carmel. I wish I could be there. Trust me, it’s for a good cause! My agent would kill me if I gave away too much before the September launch of my new project . . . but . . . I can tell you that I’ve written a book! I can’t tell you much more now, but it’s very special. We are working out the final details on the marketing plan. I don’t think it gives away too much to say that I’ve written something that I think will help women everywhere. You guys will be very excited, I promise.
Love and kisses,
Heather
ELIZABETH
Carmel-by-the-Sea is heaven, Elizabeth thought as she walked by herself along the beach. There was no other word for it. Ocean air. The faint smell of salt and seaweed. Ever temperate, even in June, which seemed kind of magical in California, where every other city seemed to blister in the summer. Just the right number of high-end shops and restaurants. Every building and corner perfectly appointed with an almost English countryside touch.
And it was her favorite part of the day: eight o’clock, before anyone was up. The morning fog still hung over the coastline. Elizabeth knew it would burn off by the afternoon, and she wanted to get at least five miles in while it was still cool. She needed the exercise to keep her stress at bay, even on vacation. She knew that the minute she checked her e-mail back at the cottage there would be at least three “emergency” e-mails from Kenny. He really didn’t know what to do with himself when she was gone.
She walked along the coast, enjoying the feeling of her bare feet digging into the sand as the waves crashed over them, leaving a bubbly froth in their wake. Nature’s pedicure, she thought with a smile. As she continued down the beach, she felt a little sad that Heather wasn’t by her side on the walk. It wasn’t going to be the same without her, but she was still glad to be here, with or without her old friend.
The girls had argued for a full week about whether they should take this trip together without Heather. Elizabeth felt like they should do the right thing and reschedule for a weekend after Heather was done with her big project. Sara seemed to agree with her. Carmen thought they should just go, and it was stupid to argue.
At the bitter end, it was Martha who had made the decision for them.
“If Heather wants to assuage her guilt for bailing on us, who are we to say no? I know we always said we wouldn’t leave anyone behind, but it’s just this one time. And if we skip, it might be another year before we all have a date that works for everyone. Maybe longer. Look, this mommy could use a break from her baby. And Robert really needs to take a week of paternity leave. He has barely touched Lucy since she was born because he’s so busy. I’m going, and you guys are coming with me,” Martha had argued.
“Yes!” Carmen had texted back with excitement.
Noting that Sara didn’t seem too eager to weigh in and fight for a delay (she probably wanted the relatively cheap mini-vacation), Elizabeth had relented. “Fine, you guys win.”
So here they were in Carmel for their annual girls’ weekend.
Heather’s largesse had not disappointed. Most of the homes in Carmel were quaint one-story cottages surrounded by little French gardens, tiny gazebos, or some other charming décor in miniature. Elizabeth thought it looked like a luxury Smurf village. If you were lucky enough to own a cottage in the golden triangle, the beach was only minutes away on foot.
Heather’s “cottage” didn’t fit with this scheme. It was an enormous, newly built, five-bedroom right on the ocean with a view of Pebble Beach. Definitely not a cottage. The stunning exterior of the home and the views were matched by an equally eye-catching interior. Heather had told Elizabeth that she had hired a famous West Coast designer to create an environmentally conscious, clean interior. “Clean” was Heather-code for “no expense spared” and lots and lots of white. Over the years, Heather had developed a definite anal streak. She must not let her children visit, Elizabeth had first thought when she walked into the sea of white. Heather had also stocked the house with all their favorites: Diet Coke, La Croix, champagne, and the movie they rewatched together every year—Heathers (what else?).
Elizabeth had walked as far as she could go before the beach gave way to craggy black rock. It was time to turn back, read her e-mail, and fix whatever stupid thing Kenny had likely done.
Elizabeth decided she should try and call her old friend. I mean, what could she be doing this early on a weekend?
She dialed the number and it picked up immediately: “Hi, you’ve reached me, but this phone is for outgoing use only. E-mail me and I will do my best to return!”
Elizabeth hit “end” and sighed. Heather could call her, but she couldn’t call Heather. Things sure had changed.
CARMEN
Carmen had slept until ten. She didn’t want to leave her five-hundred-thread-count, Egyptian-cotton paradise. But she was hungry. She would see if Martha wanted to go to breakfast.
Elizabeth and Sara had carved out at least four hours every morning to work, so she wouldn’t bother to ask them. Sad, really. She and Martha had found this perfect little breakfast spot with an outdoor fire pit. It was strange to think a fire pit would be nice on a California morning in June, but Carmel was cool in the mornings, and the fire was the perfect complement to a big plate of eggs and fruit—with a mimosa, of course. Why would you prefer work to that?
She hoisted herself out of bed and padded down to the kitchen to look for Martha. She found her sitting on one of the stools at the enormous white granite island. Martha was on the phone.
As she got closer, she noticed Martha’s face was pinched. Her head seemed to be hanging a bit too. These were both bad signs, she knew from experience.
As she got closer, Martha hung her head even lower and visibly slumped in the chair. That was an even worse sign. That girl maintained perfect posture twenty-four seven due to whatever torture her mother had inflicted on her during Martha’s formative years.
Carmen froze and w
aited for Martha to wrap up her conversation.
After a couple of awkward minutes, Martha hung up and turned to Carmen.
Her eyes were filled with tears, the worst sign of all. Martha was not a crier, and Carmen was pretty sure that she was one of the few people on Earth who had witnessed Martha actually giving in to tears.
“Martha, what is it?” asked Carmen carefully, not knowing whether to touch her. “Whatever it is, we’ll fix it.”
“No, Carmen, we won’t,” whispered Martha. “She’s gone.”
MARTHA
“Lucy’s gone,” Martha continued as she stood up. She walked past Carmen and out of the kitchen as quickly as she could. She needed to be alone in her room, safely behind closed doors.
After shutting the bedroom door behind her, Martha stood there with her back to the door for several minutes, too shocked to move.
She heard Carmen’s voice from outside the door.
“I’m here, and I’m not leaving.”
As she listened to her friend’s voice, the tears came, hot and heavy. Time seemed to melt away. She might have been there for seconds or minutes. She wasn’t sure.
“Martha, let me in. I’m going to stand here until you open the door, so you might as well open it now.”
Martha turned and opened the door. When she saw her friend’s concerned face, she rushed into her arms and let out a terrible sound.
As Carmen held Martha, the story came out over Martha’s sobs.
“How could this happen to us, Carmen? I mean, we’re doctors. This doesn’t happen to doctors.”
“Of course it does, Martha. Don’t be silly. This happens to everyone, and it’s not your fault,” Carmen said as she held her best friend tight.
“If I had been there, Carmen, this wouldn’t have happened. I would have sensed it. I know it. I should have never left her alone.”
“Well, that’s also silly. She was with her father. And I would bet my life that not one thing would have been different if you had been there. It’s not your fault, and it’s not Robert’s fault either. That was his only daughter, Martha. And he will need you now.”
“He doesn’t need anyone,” Martha said angrily as she pushed Carmen away.
“Martha, don’t take this out on him. This is horrible enough as it is,” Carmen said gently as she reached for Martha’s hand.
“I know.” Martha sighed and ignored Carmen’s hand, instead sitting down and covering her face. “I don’t mean it, not really. I’m just so sad, Carmen. And angry. Fuck. I don’t know what to feel.”
Martha was now rocking back and forth and continued, “He said she had been great all morning. He put her down for her nap and did a little work. He thought she had been sleeping too long, so he went to check on her. He said that he knew immediately that she was gone. That he had done everything he could. The paramedics too. He just kept saying, ‘I couldn’t save her.’”
“Because he couldn’t, Martha. Nobody could. This was God’s decision today,” Carmen assured her gently as she sat down next to her.
Martha uncovered her eyes and fixed Carmen with an angry glare. “Carmen, you know what I think about God, and he didn’t do himself any favors today with me.”
“And you know what I think, Martha. Some things are just outside our control and part of his plan. God loves all of us, but his plan is bigger than any of us.”
“Well, his plan sucks and so does he,” said Martha with anger. At the thought of the finality of Lucy’s death, her limp little body being carried out of their home, Martha felt a searing pain across her forehead and a different, equally awful pain in her chest. This must be how the family feels when the doctor gives them the terrible news, she thought. It had been unimaginable to her before now.
“Maybe if I had done something differently,” continued Martha. “You know, God is probably punishing me because I wasn’t excited about the pregnancy at first.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works,” replied Carmen.
“Robert said that there would be a brief investigation but that it would probably be over before I’m back. He said he wasn’t worried because it was textbook SIDS, and they would update him when the death certificate was complete. He sounded so cold and clinical, Carmen.”
“Martha, being mad at Robert or yourself or God isn’t going to do you any good. Shit happens, and it’s no one’s fault. Be angry and hurt, but please don’t take it out on the people you love or the person I love. I’m here for you, and we are going to get through this, just like we always do.”
Martha looked at Carmen in total misery. “But Lucy is my baby girl, Carmen.” Then she paused. “Was.” And as she turned away from her best friend and thought about the face of her perfect little girl again, the pain returned to her head and her chest. Martha put her head in her hands and curled herself into a ball. She wanted to make herself as small as possible and to squeeze away the pain that felt like it was swallowing her whole.
SARA
Sara was in the kitchen digging through the fridge for her third Diet Coke when Carmen found her.
“Why can’t those stupid sales guys leave me alone?” Sara whined to Carmen as she was shoving the contents of the fridge around in her search for the coldest can of her favorite beverage. “I mean, really, they need to give it up and let me have a vacation.”
“Sara, you need to come sit down at the table. We need to talk. Something terrible has happened,” said Carmen as calmly as she could.
“You guys need to leave me alone for a couple more hours. I’m really busy,” Sara started to say as she turned toward Carmen, but she stopped talking when she saw Carmen’s face. She knew that look. Something was very wrong.
And then Carmen told her the awful news.
“Oh God, Carmen. That’s my worst fear, losing one of my babies. Is it terrible that I feel relieved it’s not me? All I’ve done since we left on this trip is complain about how hard it is to have four kids. Isn’t it awful that it takes something like this to appreciate what we have?”
“No, it’s just human,” replied Carmen sadly.
HEATHER
Elizabeth, I got your text. Terrible news. Please let me know when the service will be. I will try to get there, but it may not happen. You understand. And e-mail me so my assistant can pick it up. I don’t really text, too busy. Also, congrats to you. It’s so weird how everything happens at the same time, no? H
ELIZABETH
Martha and Carmen had been barricaded in Martha’s room for several hours, understandably, while Elizabeth and Sara worked out the logistics of getting them all home as quickly as possible. It wasn’t much, but it was what they were able to do for now. As the day wore on, Elizabeth felt increasingly sick and restless, so she decided to take another walk and call William.
She started down one of the cobblestone paths, walking slowly because she felt unsteady on her feet. The phone rang almost five times before William picked up.
“Hi, babe! How’s the high society life treating you?” he teased. “Don’t worry, I’m not jealous. I’m planning my turn.”
“Hi, honey. Well, Carmel is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been,” she started softly, “but, William, something really awful happened today.”
“Let me guess, you guys ran out of champagne. Tragedy!” William laughed.
“No, it actually is a real tragedy,” she continued, a little more sharply than she intended. “Is George close enough to hear us?”
“No, he’s glued to his new iPad. I know you thought he was too young for it, but he was kind of sad you were gone, so I caved and took him to the Apple store. You can be mad at me when you get home. I did do the parental controls right I think.”
“Oh, William, I don’t care about that. Really, I’m just so grateful to have George. And you.”
“Okay, you sound weird. What’s the bad news? Does Joe want you to move to the new Beijing office or something?”
“No. I wish it were something stupid
like that,” Elizabeth replied. After a pause she said as evenly as she could, “Martha lost Lucy today, William. They think it was SIDS. She just slipped away during her nap. The investigators are probably at her house right now.”
“Oh, shit,” breathed William into the phone. “What should I do? Do you want me to go up to their house to see if Robert’s okay?”
“I have no idea what to do,” said Elizabeth. “Robert might be there, or maybe he is at work? I have no idea. To be honest, I think I’ve actually spoken to Robert maybe twice in my whole life, and both of those times it was more like talking at him than to him. He’s always working. I wouldn’t have any idea how to approach him.”
“You know I’d do whatever you asked me to do, but I barely know the guy either. I’ll at least call up there and see what I can find out. You guys flying home tomorrow?”
“Yes,” Elizabeth replied sadly. “I think they are going to try for Friday for the service. William, can you please get my favorite black suit from the cleaners?”
“Sure thing,” William said, and then he paused. “Hey, did you tell the girls your news? Three months. Past the danger zone.”
“Don’t jinx it. And no, it’s still a secret. Well, I did tell Heather, but I was waiting to tell the girls tonight over dinner. Obviously, I can’t do that now. It can wait. I’ve got to go, honey. See you tomorrow.”
As Elizabeth walked back up the cobblestone path, she couldn’t help but smile thinking about the life growing inside her, the joy of which could not be dulled even by her friend’s terrible pain. Elizabeth knew exactly when this baby had been conceived. The first week of March. Probably spaghetti bolognese night. She could still feel William’s hot breath on her neck and his hands gripping the small of her back. And all that love had become a baby. After so much waiting and pain, she finally felt complete.
All the Right Mistakes Page 6
