by K. L Randis
“Oh, yes, that’s fine.”
“Excellent. Jackson has really helped make her weeks a little brighter. Not many volunteers are able to come in here and bring a story to life the way he does and you can tell she really enjoys it. Speaking of, he just arrived! Let me go help sign him in. Thanks again, Pippa, we’ll talk in the morning.”
Meg rushed in front of me before I could hang up the phone. “Why is your face like that? Pip, why is your mouth open? What’s going on?”
“I have to go,” I said, shoving my phone into my pocket and throwing a twenty onto the bar.
“Wait, are we still having a sleepover? I could use one. What’s going on!”
“Sure, I’ll explain later. Bring my Long Island with you,” I demanded.
“Pip!”
“I know where Jackson is!” I called over my shoulder, pushing through the doors to the outside deck and practically sprinting to my car.
Chapter Fifteen
“Pippa! We weren’t expecting you, is everything—”
I rushed past the reception desk at the front of the nursing home, barreling toward my mom’s room without saying a word.
“Okay! Well, we’ll just sign you in and…”
The voice trailed behind me. I don’t know who was more startled when I opened the door, my mom or Jackson.
Mom placed her hand over her heart when the door flew open. Jackson dropped the book he was reading onto the bed, putting an arm out like he was protecting a passenger in his car from an impending crash. Had I not been so emotional, I would have thought it was a sweet gesture that he felt the need to protect my mom from whoever was bursting into the room.
My teeth were pressed together as I sucked in a breath, not even sure where to start.
“Oh! Are you here to read too? Good, good, come sit then.” Mom found her spot on the bed and patted the open spot next to her. “We were just getting to the good part, weren’t we?” Mom asked.
Jackson’s eyes never left mine. “We were very close to the good part, yes.”
Blood rushed to my cheeks. Adrenaline I had built up on the ride over had no outlet. Mom was calm and happy, just like the nurse told me on the phone. Anything I was about to say or do would only upset her. I kept my eyes locked on Jackson’s, slowly inching to the rocking chair. “Please…don’t let me interrupt. I just wanted to hear the story, I can’t wait to know the ending.”
Mom smiled. “Oh! We’re reading a story? I love stories.” She looked at Jackson, glancing at the book they had been reading as if the story was just beginning. “Go ahead, Dylan, let’s read the rest then.”
The name confusion broke Jackson’s gaze, my silence giving him permission to keep reading. He looked at her, smiled, and buried his head in the book he had been reading out loud. “The puppy followed his nose down the grassy hill, home at last. ‘Look! said Sally. There’s Buddy! He’s home!’”
“Oh, the puppy is home, that’s good, that’s very good…” Mom said, patting Jackson’s hand as he turned the page.
When the book ended, I kissed mom on the back of her hand and thanked her for a great time, telling her I had to show Jackson to his car.
“Oh, I do enjoy visitors, so lovely,” Mom said.
“I know,” Jackson said. “I enjoy them too. I’ll see you—” he paused, looking in my direction. “I um, am not sure when I’ll be back. I’ll have to check my calendar.”
“No rush, dear. I have a Christmas dinner to shop for this weekend anyway, you take your time. Keep the garage door open for Roger on your way out, he should be home soon, mmmk?”
“What the hell do you think you’re doing here?” I hissed, crossing the parking lot and storming as far away from the building as I could.
Jackson quickened his pace to keep up but said nothing, letting his sneakers scuff on the pavement like a teenager who had been caught sneaking out.
“It’s not what you think,” Jackson said.
“You have no idea what I’m thinking,” I said, turning around to face him once I reached my car. Even though it was a cooler night than usual, I pulled off my sweatshirt, thinking about Mom’s comment about it being Christmas. “She thinks it’s Christmas next week and we’re at the end of July. In what reality is this fair to her or me that you start coming around here to keep yourself in my life?”
“This isn’t about you Pippa, not everything is!”
“Then what is this? I don’t understand.”
“No, you don’t understand. It won’t happen again, don’t worry.” Jackson started to walk away and my voice cracked as I called after him.
“Sure, walk away, again. That’s what you’re good at right? Getting involved and then walking away!”
Jackson spun around, his face nose to nose with mine so suddenly I wasn’t sure I even blinked before it happened. “You don’t understand, Pippa! I’m not here for you or for her,” he said, pointing to the nursing home. “I’m here for me.” He stood frozen with his hand in the air, not able to get the next sentence out. “Why does everything have to be so encrypted? Why can’t we just…be.”
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. “I…I don’t know,” I said finally.
“I’m part of a volunteer group that Palmetto hospital referred me to. It’s for veterans and we read to patients who have Alzheimer’s. We get just as much out of it as they do. I had no idea she was your mom when I first started here months ago, not at first anyway.”
I almost cut him off to tell him I was aware of the program. I was the one who designed it, having it incorporated in my department’s discharge procedures, but I realized he still didn’t know how we first met.
“What do you get out of it?” I asked.
“It’s nice to be understood.”
“She doesn’t even know who you are, Jackson. She called you Dylan.”
“It doesn’t matter what she knows or doesn’t know.” He brushed an imaginary piece of lint from his shirt and looked away. “It’s nice to spend time with someone who understands what it’s like to not remember things. Reading is supposed to help with my memory loss issues since it’s a type of brain stimulation therapy. She’s not going to judge me anymore than I would judge her.”
I looked away, embarrassed I had been so angry at him. “Jackson…”
“I’ve been doing this since before I met you. I didn’t know she was your mom, I swear it. She showed me some old pictures of her sister one day and that’s when I knew. You two could have been identical twins. I didn’t know you and your mom had different last names.”
I sighed. “Yeah, she wanted me to have Roger’s last name, just in case he decided to come back from Cambodia and we became a family somehow.”
“It’s funny, for a while after that day we raced on the beach I thought you looked familiar. Something about your face…I couldn’t put my finger on it. I guess I just saw a bit of resemblance between you and your mom before I made the connection, so it made sense then.”
I was suddenly thankful we were surrounded by darkness because the guilt I felt with his confusion pushed me harder into my car door as I tried to distance myself from him.
I was an awful person.
“So why keep coming back here then once you knew she was my mom? Why didn’t you just tell me?” I asked. “Especially after our fight…”
“They told me how much my visits meant to her, how happy they made her. I couldn’t take that from her no matter what was going on between us, that wouldn’t be fair to her.”
I bit my bottom lip and closed my eyes. “Thanks for that,” I said.
I meant it.
He nodded. “I didn’t tell you because there’s things about me that I wasn’t ready to acknowledge. They’re things I’m trying to work on and this program is helping me do that but it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing.”
He’s finally opening up to me…
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s a great program. She called you Dylan,” I said, ha
lf smiling and trying to lighten the mood.
“I’m okay with that,” Jackson said, inching closer.
I crossed my arms in front of my chest, leaning back on the car. Jackson moved to position himself right in front of me, arms at his sides, standing so close that I could feel his fingertips brush the fabric of my jeans and it made my next inhale sharp and shallow.
“I don’t mind being put on the back burner, just don’t leave me there.” His voice was smoother than the night sky.
As I looked up the only thing I could focus on was his lips.
“Come with me, I want to show you something,” he said.
“Huh? Where?” I said, breaking from the moment.
“There’s something I need to show you. It’s important.”
I hesitated as he stepped away, opening his palm and motioning for me to take his hand. Realizing I was guarded still, he set his arm down and rubbed his fingers together. “Follow me in your car then, please? It’ll only take a few minutes.”
I nodded, pangs of guilt guiding my decision. I felt bad for second guessing his involvement with the volunteer program and his intentions.
We drove to the midway point between the nursing home and my apartment, pulling into a parking lot with a strip of condos lined up right on the coast.
I cautiously exited my car, Jackson’s face beaming. “What do you think?” he asked making his way up the sidewalk to the one building.
“What do I think about what?”
“Come see the inside,” Jackson said, pulling a key from his pocket then shaking his head, laughing to himself as he punched a code into the keypad attached to the door. “Still getting used to this dumb thing.”
“Jackson, I don’t think I should—”
His eyes met mine. “I’m only expecting you to stay for five minutes. Promise.” He crossed a finger over his heart. The smile he was trying to extinguish couldn’t let me walk away, so I texted Meg I’d be later than I originally told her and headed inside behind Jackson.
The apartment was completely bare with the exception of a futon in the living room. The kitchen was fully stocked and had an impressive open floor plan that I envied. “Nice place,” I said, peering down the hallway. “So this is where you wound up, huh?”
“Okay this is the best part, look here,” he said, power walking down the hallway toward one end of the apartment.
“Jackson,” I said, peering down the hallway. “I don’t know what you think is going to happen here but…”
“Just look,” Jackson pleaded, pushing a door open and pointing inside.
I hesitated, watching him bounce between happiness and nervousness.
He said nothing and cocked his head to the side, motioning me to look inside.
I exhaled, moving toward the door.
Peering inside I took note of the four walls, and the oversized floor to ceiling window that I’m sure overlooked the ocean when it was daylight out that would let in an impressive amount of natural light. Two built-in bookcases lined the back wall, and two full-sized hinged doors undoubtedly opened up to reveal a double length closet.
“It’s a bedroom, all right,” I said blankly.
“Isn’t it perfect?”
“I’m happy for you,” I mumbled turning my shoulder to head back down the hallway.
That’s when I felt Jackson’s hand on my shoulder. “This bedroom is for Phoenix,” Jackson said. “There’s two more bedrooms just like this one.”
My heart stopped. “What did you say?”
“Well, you never let me come to your place but I knew you didn’t have two bedrooms from what you told me. I had to assume on the days or weekends you had Phoenix it was probably a little cramped and that’s not an ideal arraignment for too long, right?”
I started to back down the hallway toward the front door. “Jackson, I don’t know where this is going but…”
“The location I thought was perfect, I figured you’d probably want to be a bit closer to your mom but wanted to stay in the same school district you were in before just in case that was important to you. Is that important to you? This apartment complex is right on the line so you’re good.”
“We’re not moving in with you,” I said. “I don’t know how you go from leaving me stranded on the beach to thinking that I would forget all of that and move in with you because of a fancy apartment—”
“With me?” Jackson said, shaking his head. “Pippa, no. This isn’t my apartment.” He moved toward me, grabbing my right hand and placing a key inside. “This is an emergency key, just in case the keypad stops working. It’s not my apartment, Pippa. I didn’t get it for us. I got it for you and Phoenix.”
I was shocked. “What? Why? Why would you do that, after everything you said?”
“Everything I said?”
“You told me that it didn’t matter that I had a daughter with Dylan, that you had nothing to say about it…and then you walked away. You walked away, Jackson! So then you disappear for almost a month and pop up out of nowhere with a surprise luxury apartment? Who does that?”
“It didn’t matter,” Jackson said, lowering his voice and moving a piece of hair from my face. “ Don’t you understand? I didn’t care about the story behind you raising a little girl. I just knew you had one, but it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t change how I felt about you, Pip.”
“Then you left.”
“Then I left,” Jackson agreed, his eyes pulling me in.
“You left me there,” I said, my voice betraying me as I struggled to keep my guard up.
“I left you,” repeated Jackson. “Because you were right. I left to work on myself, Pippa. You shouldn’t be with me knowing how unbalanced I could be…not unless I did all I could to help myself. I cancelled my lease and moved into a Valor House, it’s a residential program for veterans. They’re the same place that runs the volunteer program for your mom’s nursing home. They help with guys like me, with post-traumatic stress disorder, and I needed to completely immerse myself in it. There was no way I could stand on that beach even one second longer. I had to leave you, right then and there, so I could start fighting for you. I’m fighting for you harder than I’ve ever fought for anyone in my life.”
His hands were now cupping my cheeks. The feeling of his skin against mine was familiar and welcomed. “If you wanted us in your lives so badly why didn’t you text or call me? Why did you just disappear?”
“ This wasn’t just about me. I had to give you time to figure out what you wanted and who you were, too. I couldn’t figure things out for you. You needed to know you were stronger than you thought you were.” He caressed the side of my head with his thumb. I could feel his palms on the sides of my head then, pulling me close to plant a kiss on my forehead. “ I needed time to figure myself out too, that’s why I am staying at Valor House. I don’t care how long it took, but this apartment is just for me to know that you’re both safe and taken care of.”
“Jackson, I can’t accept this.” I looked around incredulously. Jackson was finally letting me into his world. He was kind, and it wasn’t as dark as I imagined it would be.
“You can. It’s paid up for the year. I planned to stay at Valor House as long as they’ll have me. I realized my actions will speak louder than my words ever will. I didn’t want to tell you what you meant to me, I had to show you.”
“You’re sure about this? You’re not lying? When were you planning on telling me all of this or showing me this apartment if I hadn’t found out you were volunteering with my mom?”
“I’d have no reason to, Pip. I was going to tell you when and if you reached out to me and stopped letting those three gray dots dance on my phone. If you don’t believe me you could always ask Meg if you wanted, I called her almost every day to ask how you were doing.”
“She knew?!”
“Don’t be mad at her,” Jackson said, half-smiling at my reaction. “She knew what was going on the whole time but she was a good friend and wanted you t
o figure things out on your own without telling you what I was doing to influence you.”
“What do you want…?”
“You, Pippa. Before and always.”
He lowered his lips to mine and my knees collapsed into his as I moved with the rhythm of our kiss. His hands slid up the back of my head and he tugged gently, pushing on my lower back to bring me closer to his chest.
“I can’t,” I said, pulling away and brushing the hair from my face. “I have to go, this is… I don’t know what this is but I need to talk to Meg. Now. We’re having a sleepover.” I needed time to process everything.
Jackson sighed. “I figured that. If your words are going a mile a minute I can only imagine what’s going on inside your head. I’m know it’s alot.”
“So you can get me this beautiful three bedroom apartment and we live happily ever after then? Is that how it all worked out in your head?”
“Not at all,” Jackson said, straight faced. “I think I’m doing all I can to show you that I wouldn’t let ex-boyfriends, daughters, or crazy best friends influence how I feel about you. If it means living at Valor House and doing something a little crazy like getting you this apartment for things to start working between us then yeah, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.
“I don’t know what to say,” I said honestly. It was an unfamiliar feeling that crept over me, knowing someone wanted to take care of me so passionately. “You have to understand that this feels—”
“It’s not too much,” he said, finishing my thought. “You’re never too much, and if anyone ever tells you otherwise then they’re not good enough for you. If in the end we’d still be standing here like this then I’d make the same choices that brought us here in this moment over and over again.” He brushed the top of my head with his lips. “Assuming I’ll give up on us is like telling the sun not to rise when the moon starts setting. We’re both steadfast and a bit impulsive when it comes to the people we care about, huh?”
I nodded, absorbing what he said.
