by Daud Shawni
*****
The Journey of Hanuman
In Kerala, as I dreamed during the shadow play, I saw Hanuman and he spoke these words to me.
"Near the end of Sri Rama's life as I kneeled by his deathbed, tears like the Ganges pouring from my eyes, a ring slipped from the king's finger and rolled to the floor. Where the ring rested, a tiny hole opened in the Earth and swallowed it and the ring disappeared from my sight. Sri Rama said to me, 'Hanuman, you are my ancient friend and my faithful servant. Please will you find my ring?'
"I said, 'The Earth has taken it; I will find it and return to you.' At once I shrank down and slipped through the tiny hole in the ground in which the ring had disappeared. For ages I fell, but when I reached the end of the world I found myself in a poorly lit cavern of extraordinary size filled with crumbling statues and broken monuments. It was the throne room of the King of Ghosts.
"That king was terrible to see, more terrible than Kumbhakharna, or Indrajit, or Ravana raging in battle. For the first time in my life I trembled. From the darkness he emerged, gigantic, yet barely discernible. I saw only his eyes and his teeth as he spoke. The rest was blackness.
"The King of Ghosts said to me, 'You are in my domain and you are in my possession. Whatsoever has passed away comes eventually to me, for I am the keeper of all memories. They are like flowers robbed of sunlight; I watch them fade, wither, and vanish into dust.'
"I said, 'I'm in Rama's service and you're not permitted to detain me. You, like all devas and rakshasas, like all men and monkeys, all creatures in the Earth living, dead, and yet to be born, are in his service.'
"I made out in the dim light that the King of Ghosts pressed his palms together in homage. He said, 'What command does he bring me? I will fulfill it, though I am the least of his servants.'
"I said, 'I have come to find his ring. It slipped from his hand and fell here, into this cavern.'
"At once, the King of Ghosts brought before me a great golden tray covered with unnumbered rings. They were all nearly identical, and I sifted through them with my hands. I said, 'I can't tell if any of these are Rama's, or even if they all are.'
"The King of Ghosts said, 'Whenever an incarnation of Vishnu is about to ascend into heaven, his ring falls here. These are all his, and yet not any one is his. When you return to Rama, you won't find him waiting. But keep searching as he commanded you.'
"My heart was broken and I said, 'How can I search when it's too late? I failed to find his ring as he commanded me and now I've lost him as well. What will I do?'
"The King of Ghosts said no more, and I returned to Rama's room. Vasishta, Rama's priest, saw me and he said, 'Rama has ascended and is again with God.' But my mouth would not open and I bathed Rama's sandals with my tears.
"I left the kingdom and lived a long time in the forests, chanting Rama's name, hiding myself from people. Though my heart swelled with the sound of his name and the stories people told of him, still such memories were both a blessing and a curse. I wandered for ages, as though falling again into darkness, meditating upon my failure to fulfill Rama's final command to me.
"One day I came to the forest of Vrndivana and saw Krishna decorating Radha's hair by a gentle river. I turned toward them, but Krishna approached me without delay and embraced me, as though recognizing me. He smiled and said, 'O Hanuman, my ancient friend, my faithful servant.' At the sound of his voice, I couldn't speak. I fell to his feet and, clasping them, wept without shame. Krishna lifted me up, embracing me again and laughed joyously. 'Why are you crying? Don't you see? You have found the ring at last, the ring I told you to seek.' On his finger shined Rama's ring.
"At that moment, I was in paradise."
When Hanuman finished speaking, he opened his chest with his monkey's hands and he revealed to me what he enshrined in his heart.
This is dharma: seek Him out in the world. You will find Him if you but look to Rama, Krishna, and the Buddha. You will find Him if you but look to Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad and you will discover that they are in truth One word, One voice, the One unalterable as He alters, invisible as He invests every atom of creation with His command, unknowable even as He is the source of all knowledge. And this is dharma.
*****
The Deer Park
When the actor playing Arjuna finished speaking to me, he left. I remained in the deer park. The crowds dispersed. Workmen removed the television, the garlands and idols, and litter from the ground. Sitting where the Buddha once taught his disciples, I considered my many faults and failings. I regretted every word I uttered that hurt another soul or was untrue. After the workmen left, I listened to the lullaby of birds and rustling leaves and grasses. Twilight turned to darkness. I remembered a dear friend and in this memory she became the mirror in which I found myself reflected.
I am a libertine, but think constantly of God.
I am a cynic and a pessimist, but the future of this world fills me with joy.
I am unapproachable, but would readily give my life to a stranger.
I am a weakling, but can lift the veil of this world.
I am worthless and ashamed, but have in my possession an unmatched talent.
I am utterly lost, but have been led to the place I belong.
I am arrogant, but hide my name.
I contradict myself, but am unerringly consistent.
I am an infidel, but seek the protection of the believers.
I speak for dozens, but the voice is always mine alone.
I am a puppet wondering at strings.
Little that I say touches you, but others tremble with delight.
Yet I am bound to you, my friend, and do not know these others.
Sleep washed over me. I dreamed a final dream of Rama and Sita. In the city of Ayodhya, after Rama was crowned king and Sita his queen, the servants of Rama began to whisper darkly to each other. Because Sita had been the captive of King Ravana, they surmised that she had become his lover. But after Rama killed Ravana and rescued Sita, Sita had proclaimed her innocence and Rama accepted her again.
In her private chambers, Sita kept a large wooden chest. Neither her maidservants nor the servants of her husband were given access to it. She kept the chest carefully locked. The servants imagined any manner of items were within the chest-gold and jewelry, silken tapestries, or keepsakes from her wedding to Rama. An elderly servant of Rama, however, suspected Sita and imagined that the chest contained a keepsake of Ravana-perhaps a lock of his hair or a portrait of him. The servant shared his suspicions with Rama, and impressed upon him the need to look within the chest to discover the truth.
Rama said, "I am aware of the truth, but I will look." Rama and his servant went to Sita's chambers, and found Sita sitting pensively beside the chest. Rama said, "Will you open this chest for me?"
Sita said, "Is this the king's request, or my husband's? Or is this the request of a suspicious servant?"
Rama said, "Will you give me the key?"
Saying nothing, Sita placed the key to the chest in Rama's hand, closed his fingers around it, and left the room. At once, Rama dismissed the servant. Rama thought awhile and then he and several of his bodyguard secretly carried the chest, unopened, into a farmer's abandoned field. There, they buried the chest deep in the ground and no one in the household ever spoke of it again. May God conceal your secrets as He has concealed mine.
O Merciful God, if this work leads to harm, let this harm fall upon me alone. But if it has pleased You, forgive this poor mimic, let the believers pray for me, and conceal from men my name for all time. These are the wages I desire; remembering that You have power over all things.
