by Kelly Holm
Things were all right for a while; she even scored a date with Kurt Nettle, the captain of the football team, to a holiday party. She was so excited, but a little nervous too. She had never been on a date before, and she had no one to talk to about it. She
went to the party with Kurt, but later that night, he forced himself on her, telling her that all the girls were doing it. She let him have his way, and the next day, he dumped her. She was devastated; she had no idea what she had done wrong.
Then one night shortly after New Years, her father was sitting in his usual recliner watching television. When she walked into the room, he looked at her, and he told her that it was getting too difficult for him to be here with her. When she asked him what he meant, he said that as she was getting older, she was beginning to look more and more like her mother and he couldn’t take it. Later that night, he went out, like he usually did, but this time he didn’t come back.
Now she was utterly alone. She thought about calling Leo, but she couldn’t ask him to give up his dream to come back and stay with her. Instead, she kept it a secret. She never told anyone that her father left and she was living alone, she didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for her or worse, pull her from the only home she’s ever known.
It wasn’t as hard to pull off as she thought it would be. Larisa was the one who did all the shopping and errands anyway, they might miss her dad at the bar, but otherwise, no one would be the wiser. Her father continued to put money in the household account that she could draw off of, even after he was gone.
Soon the school year would come to a close, and she would be graduating. Larisa thought for several months about her options, but she saw only two. She could stay in Freyhill, keep her job at the ice cream shop, and hope that her father would come back; or she could muster up the courage to leave the only home she’s ever known, and start over from scratch. Both options had good and bad points, and after weighing them all, Larisa decided to take a leap of faith, and move to Phoenix, Arizona.
She had never been out of the state of California, and had never gone any farther south than Los Angeles, so even the thought of moving to Phoenix was exhilarating. She started to plan and save money, and by the time the school year ended, she had saved enough money to move.
Then one night she was sitting at home dreaming about what her new life in Phoenix would be like, and her stomach started to ache. At first, it wasn’t that bad, she thought maybe it was just indigestion, so she took an antacid. However, as the night progressed, the pains were coming more often and getting much more painful. She didn’t know what to do, she thought about calling 911, but she didn’t have money to go to a hospital.
Then Larisa remembered the kind nurse that used to come to the house when Mama was sick. The nurse only stopped by a couple of times, but she was so compassionate and helped her mother so much. Larisa knew the number for the nurse was somewhere in the house, she just had to find it, and quickly. She searched the entire house, and finally, she found the number in a kitchen junk drawer, and she called it. The nurse came over immediately.
To her surprise, it wasn’t indigestion causing the excruciating pain in her stomach, she was in labor! She had no idea she was pregnant, or what she would do with a baby. That night a baby girl was born; she named the baby, Ella. She didn’t know what to feel or what to do; and when the nurse asked her if she wanted her to call someone, Larisa told her there wasn’t anyone to call, and begged her not to tell anyone she had the baby. The nurse asked if she was sure, and when Larisa said she was, the nurse agreed not to tell anyone.
It wasn’t that unusual for people to be secretive in that area; although the towns were small, many of the people were very private. When the nurse asked her how it was possible that
she didn’t know she was pregnant, Larisa explained that she got a period every month, so it never crossed her mind. The nurse was understanding and offered to help her. The following day, the nurse came back and brought a bunch of supplies that Larisa would need for the baby. Larisa was very grateful.
A couple of weeks passed, and Larisa thought she was starting to get the hang of being a mom. She still had plans to move to Phoenix, but now she would have to wait until baby Ella was a little older, maybe a couple of months. Larisa would continuously dream of their new life in Phoenix, but recently, baby Ella started to become very fussy. Larisa didn’t know what to do. She tried calling the nurse, but there was no answer; so again, she was on her own.
Unfortunately for her, baby Ella had colic and cried constantly. It was more than Larisa could take, so one night she gave the baby a little of the herbal potion that her mother always used when she and Leo were little to stop coughing and help them sleep. Larisa thought for sure it would calm the baby and fix whatever was wrong. She had no idea what was in the potion, her mother always got it from a local herbalist, and there was always a bottle in the house.
She found the bottle in the back of the medicine cabinet of the upstairs bathroom, and gave some to baby Ella to help her calm down, stop crying, and to go to sleep. After a few minutes, it was like a miracle; the baby stopped crying and went to sleep. Finally, she did something right. Larisa was thrilled, she gently placed the baby in the drawer bed she made out of the dresser next to her bed, and then laid down in the bed beside her and almost instantly fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.
The next morning Larisa woke up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the day. She looked at baby Ella, who was still sleeping peacefully and smiled to herself, remembering how she
solved the crying; and thought she might just be getting the hang of being a mother. She went downstairs and found something to eat while she waited for baby Ella to wake up.
Hours pass, and still, the baby slept. Larisa wondered if it was normal. She knew that babies slept a lot, but this felt excessive. Larisa was beginning to worry that something might be wrong but convinced herself that she was just acting paranoid. She made a mental note to ask the nurse for a book about babies the next time she came to check on her.
That evening, when baby Ella still didn’t wake up, Larisa tried gently shaking her, but it didn’t wake her up. She tried shaking baby Ella harder, but nevertheless, she didn’t wake up. Something was very wrong. She picked baby Ella up and took her out of the drawer bed she was sleeping in, and cradled her in her arms. Larisa put her ear to the baby’s chest to see if she was breathing, but she didn’t feel any movement.
Larisa was terrified, she didn’t know what to do; she had somehow, accidentally killed her baby. She couldn’t tell anyone, not even the kind nurse, they would hall her off to jail, and she would be there the rest of her life. No, she had to handle this on her own, just like everything else.
She carefully wrapped baby Ella in a soft pink blanket, kissed her on the forehead and gently place the bundled baby into a white office supply box she found in Leo’s old room, probably left over from when he was packing to move to Sacramento.
Afterward, she quickly walked around the house, gathering all the supplies that the kind nurse brought for her and put them into a separate box and sat it next to the front door. Then she went up to her bedroom and packed a suitcase with anything she thought she would want in her new life in Phoenix.
As she came out of her bedroom and walked toward the staircase, she grabbed a family photo that was hanging on the wall
in the hallway and shoved it into the front pocket of her suitcase. She then took the box of baby supplies, and her suitcase, and placed them both in the trunk of her car, and then went back into the house.
When she was sure she removed every trace of the baby
from the house, she took the white office supply box with baby Ella inside, found a shovel and flashlight, and went out the back door and into the woods. By now it was very late, and a summer storm was brewing. The sky was filled with clouds, and thunder rumbling like a locomotive coming down the tracks. Every now and then, a bolt of lightning would shoot down out of the sky and light her path.
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Larisa walked into the woods for about twenty minutes until she came across a tree with flowers around the bottom. She noticed that the tree had a lot of holes from birds in it and thought it would be the perfect resting spot for her dead baby. She carefully dug a hole and placed the white office supply box inside; after she said a little prayer and covered the box with dirt.
Just then, she heard something that sounded like someone walking on leaves coming up behind her. She quickly looked around, hoping no one saw what she just buried. She didn’t see anyone and thought that it was probably just an animal; these woods were filled with deer and other small animals.
Larisa waited a moment, then got up and walked back to the house. Tears were streaming down her face uncontrollably, but no one would ever notice because the rain had started; it was coming down hard, making it difficult to see.
Once she finally got back to the house, she went inside and dried herself off. She wiped up any water she may have brought inside with her and made sure things were all in order. Then she turned some lights off, locked the doors, and walked out to her car.
Tears were rolling down her face uncontrollably now. She was so scared, and she had no idea what she was going to do. She took one final look at the only place she had ever called home, got into her car, and drove out of town. To this day, she’s never told anyone what she did. It’s her secret, it haunts her every day, but she will take it to her grave.
Chapter 5
As Mila was driving back to Los Angles after the funeral, she thought about her mother. She missed her so much already, and it had only been a few days. She still couldn’t believe her mother was gone, and she would never be able to talk with her or see her again. She looked over at Smokey, her mother’s cat, who was in the passenger seat all curled up like a furball, sleeping peacefully and wondered if he misses her too. She zoned out as she watched the tall trees of the forest slowly turn into the busy city of Pasadena.
When she finally arrived home at her apartment, it was dark out, and she was exhausted; both mentally and physically. As soon as she got the door open, Smokey jumped down and started to explore his new home. She made a mental note to swing into a pet store and get a few things for him tomorrow. Mila kept thinking her phone would ring any minute with her mother calling to make sure she got home ok, but it never did.
Once she had everything inside that she brought from her mother’s house, she sat down and allowed herself to relax. There wasn’t much to put away, just her suitcase and a couple of boxes of memories. When Mila went into the kitchen to get something to eat, she realized she didn’t have much food in the house; she had planned to swing into Ralph’s Supermarket the day she got the call about her mother, but she never got the chance. She checked the cabinet and found a can of tuna, which she promptly opened and gave to Smokey. He devoured it like he hadn’t eaten in weeks.
She decided to order some lo mein from her favorite Chinese restaurant, Peking Moon, for herself. While she waited for the order to arrive, she pulled out her mother’s diary and started to read more. There was a significant gap in time from the last entry. This one was dated Tuesday, June 15, 1993…
It’s been a crazy couple of days. Sunday, I got a call from a young girl in Freyhill who was having severe stomach problems. She didn’t want to see a doctor, so I went over to see if I could help. I had been to the house twice before, almost four years ago, and it was her mother that was sick.
When I arrived, the young girl was down on the floor curled in a fetal position crying; it appeared that the pain was almost more then she could bear. I was worried it might be appendicitis, but after a few minutes, I realized it wasn’t a stomach problem at all; she was in full labor! I delivered a healthy baby girl that night. It came as a surprise to her too, she had no idea she was pregnant.
She was all alone, no parents around, no friends either. I hesitated to leave her alone, but she was very brave and told me she would be fine. I went back yesterday and brought her a few weeks worth of supplies to help her get started. She was so grateful, so I told her I would check in on her again in a few days.
As Mila finished reading the passage, she heard the buzzer for the door. She quickly ran over and buzzed in the delivery person and grabbed her purse for money.
As she ate her lo mein, she thought about the young Freyhill girl her mother helped and how frightened that girl must have been; all alone and not even knowing she was pregnant. She wondered where this girl might be now. She was thrilled to be learning so much about her mother, but Mila wondered why her mother never told her any of this when she was alive.
When she finished her lo mein, she picked up the diary to
read more. She really wanted to hear what happened to the girl. The next entry was dated Wednesday, June 30, 1993…
My life has changed forever. Last night there was a terrible storm. The electricity was out, and I was trying to read by flashlight. I’m not sure what time it was, I know it was very late, well past midnight, when there was a loud rapping on the door. I went to see who it was, but it was so dark, I couldn’t see anything out the window. Then I heard someone calling my name; I recognized the voice, it was Leo. It was raining so hard outside that he was drenched from head to toe.
When he came inside, I noticed he was holding something in his arms; it was a baby! I asked where he got it and who it belonged to, but he told me he couldn’t tell me, but to please trust him. He said that the baby needed a good home, and I was the only person he knew that could help.
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do; I guess I’ll figure that out in the next couple of days. Who knows, maybe I’ll keep the baby and raise her myself, but I’ll have to really think about that, and make sure I’m the best option for this child.
The baby is so young; she must only be a few weeks old. Who would abandon such a beautiful child? The baby looked a little sleepy, maybe a little hungry, too, but otherwise, she looked healthy. Luckily, I have some baby things that I planned to bring over to the young girl in Freyhill later this week, so I won’t have to go into town tomorrow to get anything.
Mila slowly put the diary down and tried to collect her thoughts, which were suddenly going crazy. Why wouldn’t she tell me that I was adopted? She thought about it for a few minutes; Ok Mila, don’t freak out, it never said it was you, although the birth dates sure are close. She talked herself off the ledge and reminded herself that she only read part of the story, she would have to read more to find out if she was, in fact, the baby that Leo found.
“Hi Smokey,” Mila said, as her new bushy friend jumped up and demanded couch space next to her.
As Smokey snuggled in beside her, she realized he was really a pretty cat. Mila guessed he was a Siamese, even though her mother always said he was a moggie or mixed breed. He had soft grey fur over his entire body with a thin black mask over his eyes, nose and mouth, and black “booties” on his feet. His bright blue eyes looked up at her inquisitively, possibly wondering if this was his new home and if she was his new food source.
Mila was anxious to read more of her mother’s diary. Now she really wanted to know if she was, in fact, this baby. The next entry was dated Friday, July 2, 1993…
Yesterday, I asked Mrs. Geller to watch the baby for me while I went over to check on that young girl in Freyhill. I told her I was watching my sister’s baby so she wouldn’t ask any questions. When I arrived at the girl’s house, something was strange, it didn’t look like anyone was home - and she was supposed to be expecting me. I went up to the house, but it was all locked up, and when I peeked into the front window, although I could see the furniture inside, it looked like the house was vacant. I tried ringing the bell several times, but there was no answer.
I thought about leaving the supplies on the stoop for her, but something told me she wasn’t coming back. I sure hope she and her baby are ok. As I was driving home, I remembered that she mentioned that she wanted to move to Phoenix to start a new life; maybe she’s alrea
dy left…
Mila continued to read the next entry, dated Tuesday, July 6, 1993…
I can hardly believe it, but I’ve decided to keep the baby and raise her myself. I’m going to call her Mila, after my mother. I asked Maggie to help me with the birth certificate. When she asked me about Mila’s natural mother, I lied and told her that my sister was a surrogate for me.
I felt horrible lying to her, but I had no other choice. If I had told her the truth, she would have been obligated to get the police involved, and then I might lose the baby for good. Sometimes I think it’s ok to tell a lie, as long as it’s not hurting anyone. Maggie put my name as the mother on the birth certificate and left the father’s name blank.
I don’t know what kind of mother I’ll make, but I swear, I will do my very best. I promise to give this baby a good life and never tell her how her natural mother threw her away.
I really wish I knew more about the natural mother. I suppose I should have Mila examined by a doctor, just to be sure everything is fine. I wish Leo would have told me more. I wonder if he is protecting someone or if the way he found her was
too disturbing, and he’s actually protecting me. Either way, I love him for doing it. If he wants me to know, he will eventually tell me. I have to be patient, and I have to be ok if he decides that I can never know.
As Mila finished reading the entry, the book slipped out of her hands and on to the floor. Oh my god, it’s true, I’m the baby Leo found. She could hardly believe it. As she sat on the couch waiting for the truth to really sink in, Mila wondered about her birth mother; who was she and why did she throw me away? Mila was so confused and didn’t know what to think. All these years, she never knew what her mother did for her. Oh, she wished her mother was still alive so she could talk to her about this.
For a brief moment, she thought about calling Leo and asking him about this; but it didn’t feel right. He was always very kind to Mila, but they were never very close. He would come over in the evenings, have dinner with them, and then stay a while afterward, but Mila usually went up to her room and did her own thing rather than hang out with the adults.
