She was counting down to Thanksgiving. I knew she wanted to see Poppy and Kevin. I was counting down, too. He would break up with her. His emails had lately become more decisive. I know ur right, we’ve grown apart and its like I’m pretending we haven’t because people expect us to stay together. Just be patient OK?
I didn’t like being told what to do.
What do you mean, be patient? I just want to know how you feel about me. I was losing control and sensed that any thrall I’d once held him in was dissolving.
You know I think ur beautiful Amb. But this is a mess and I need to figure shit out before this can go anywhere OK?
I started to wonder if beautiful was all he had to offer. Its impact had dwindled, and I needed more. It was always later, later, I’m figuring it out, I need to find the right time.
Then I remembered the picture of Flora I had taken on Halloween. Her short pink Sleeping Beauty dress bunched up at the back, her mouth all over the pilot’s. The boys I would never know out of costume, three Buddies who roamed campus and knew the skin under our clothes.
The boys didn’t matter. The picture did. I would use it if I had to.
The week before Thanksgiving, Ella caught up to me when I was walking through the CFA on my way to class. “Amb, we need to talk about Flora.” She sounded like she was on the brink of tears.
I rolled my eyes behind my sunglasses. I resented that Flora had become the focal point of my life. Flora and Sully were like the sun and moon, me an obedient satellite orbiting around them.
“What about Flora?” I walked quicker to make Ella jog, her stubby legs straining to catch up.
“I’m sure you’ve noticed how weird she’s acting. And this morning I saw her crying in the bathroom. She didn’t even see me come in—she was, like, bawling over the sink. She said she has allergies.”
“So maybe she does.”
“Come on, Amb.” In her mouth, my name was a stab, an accusation. “Ever since Halloween, she hasn’t been herself. You’re the one who lives with her. There’s something seriously wrong.”
I spun around so fast she almost crashed into me. “Don’t be so dramatic. She’s probably stressed about classes. Who knows? Not everybody has to be happy all the time. If you’re so worried, you talk to her.”
I don’t know if she ever did. What I do remember is what she shouted after me as I retreated into the theater building. “I told you she had too much to drink. You didn’t listen.”
After class, on a bench in the green space sheltered by the CFA, I told Sully about the exchange, complaining about how annoying Ella was.
“Yeah, she’s a cunt,” Sully said. “This is Flora’s problem, not ours. She feels guilty. There was this girl at Spence who got wasted at a party and fucked two dudes, even though everyone knew she had this long-distance boyfriend. Evie heard her call him from the party and confess, all wasted, and he dumped her on the phone. Then she went and OD’d to make him feel bad about it.”
I soured on the mention of Evie’s name. I didn’t like when Sully talked about her.
“What a slut,” I said. Sully always warmed to my profanity. I was careful not to react to the OD. Shock would be too predictable.
“Yeah. So what’s happening with Kevin, anyway? Has he dumped Flora yet?”
I told her about the latest emails. That he was figuring it out.
“You need to help him figure it out.” She lit another cigarette. “Otherwise she’ll convince him to stay with her. Guys are idiots. They like a sure thing.”
“What else can I do? He already suspects she has something going on with another guy. Their phone calls have pretty much stopped.”
Sully tapped her cigarette with her long index finger. “We need to up the stakes. Get him here. Fuck him senseless.”
There was her we, almost majestic, lingering in the cold air like smoke. I was buoyed by the challenge. I had the picture and I had my imagination, and I didn’t know which could yield more damage.
“I don’t know how to get him here,” I said.
“Ask nicely. Better yet, tell him.”
“I have an idea,” I said.
Sully gave me her cigarette. “I want things back to normal,” she said, pouting. “It feels like they’re all we ever talk about anymore. Kevin and Flora. It’s getting boring.”
I took a drag. “I know. I’m sorry. It’ll be different once they finally break up, I promise.”
Her lips puckered into a smirk. “Good.”
* * *
She’s cheating on you, I wrote that evening as Flora slept in her bed beside me, pink satin mask pulled over her eyes. It happened on Halloween. I have proof.
Show me
Come see it in person. This weekend. I can’t keep all these secrets anymore. I let myself be guided by Sully’s heavy hand. I asked nicely and let him read between the lines.
The next morning, he wrote back, I’m coming tomorrow
No period, no punctuation, no ending. I was surprised by how easy it was. I had poisoned the relationship from both sides, and now it was time to suck the poison out of Kevin. He was the gentleman I deserved. Now it was my turn to be his leading lady.
* * *
The next day, I was surprised when Flora took her headphones off and came to sit beside me on my bed. I put my notes aside—I couldn’t concentrate on anything but our fucked-up diorama anyway. My grades were plummeting. My real education was taking place outside the classroom. My life was Method acting.
“Kevin’s coming here. Tonight,” she said. “But he didn’t even call me to tell me. He sent me a really weird text. I have a feeling he’s going to dump me.”
“I’m sure you’re wrong,” I said, marveling over my own power to make things happen.
She shook her head, tears wobbling in her eyes. “I’m not. He’s been distant. And I mean—I can’t really blame him. I’ve been acting strange since—well, I was actually hoping I could talk to you about something. I think there’s something Kevin needs to know.”
No. No. I couldn’t become Flora’s receptacle. It was too late for that. I knew I should feel sorry for her—she looked exhausted, with bruise-colored circles under her eyes, shirt slumping over sharp collarbones. But instead, all I felt was a sick satisfaction.
To my relief, someone started pounding on our door. “You locked me out again,” Sully yelled.
“Don’t,” I said quickly. I didn’t even know if Flora heard me.
I let Sully in, and she sat cross-legged on our floor. She cast an irritated glance at Flora, as if Flora were the one who had intruded on us. “I got another bottle. We should start drinking soon. Showtime.”
I glared at her, but she either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
Flora interjected. “Where are you guys going tonight? Kevin is coming for a visit. Maybe we can go too.”
There it was again. She had just told me Kevin was breaking up with her and now she was pretending for Sully that things were normal. She was the reason the rest of us lied. Because she made her halo look so goddamn easy to wear, even if it weighed her head down.
“Beta.” Sully raised her eyebrows. “Yeah. Bring him. Dress like twins. It should be an interesting night.”
Flora’s smile was automatic, as if jerked into place like a marionette. “We’ll try to make it.”
A moment passed between me and Sully where I knew something big was going to happen. Tonight could be the beginning of a dream or the start of a nightmare.
* * *
The Double Feature meant everyone was supposed to come dressed identical to someone else, so Sully and I were both in mesh tops and leather skirts, chokers circling our necks. We got ready in her room, flat-ironing each other’s hair while doing shots of Stoli, the bottle’s mouth becoming as red as ours. We took turns pressing our ears to the wall she shared with my room, waiting to hear something, anything, some hint that Kevin had arrived. I had agreed to let Flora have our room so that they could be alone. But all we heard w
as music pumping from somewhere else, the hallway throbbing with shitty bass.
Part of me wanted to stick around Butts C to see if Kevin showed up, but Sully convinced me that was the wrong move. “They’ll be at the party. Maybe she told him to meet her there to delay the inevitable.”
I didn’t know how she could be so sure. I still entertained the possibility that Kevin would change his mind and not show up at all.
Lauren, who was staring at her phone, suddenly removed her headphones and looked at us like we were crazy. “You guys are being so loud. Why are you spying on Flora? What are you trying to overhear?”
“Maybe I just like hearing people fuck,” Sully said. “Where’s your twin, anyway?”
“I told Ella I’d go with her, but now she’s sick and isn’t coming at all. Can I third-wheel it with you guys?”
“That’s not exactly the point,” I said. I didn’t want Lauren to tag along. Lauren, who had called Sully insane, who had purposely left me out of her Hamptons weekend. “You’re supposed to come with a twin, not a triplet.”
“Who really cares? It’s just another dumb theme party.”
“I don’t want to share my hot date,” Sully said, wrapping her arms around me. “If you want to come, whatever. But we’re on a mission.”
I swatted her away. Don’t say that. I didn’t want Lauren to suspect anything. I could see her running back to Flora, making herself comfortable under Flora’s feathered wings.
I cast a glance at our door as we left. I wanted to go in, but Sully yanked me away.
At Beta, Sully and I clutched each other’s arms as Lauren strode behind us in her pleather pants. People were packed everywhere. Standing beside a keg, playing a giant game of beer pong, making out in corners, groping in the open. A disco ball spattered the room with ghastly neon.
My cell phone was in my purse. On my phone was the picture of Flora and the pilot. I would wield it like a weapon if I had to.
“I don’t see them,” I shouted at the same time as Sully leaned in and said she would get us a drink.
“Who are you even looking for?” Lauren asked. We both ignored her. It felt good, rendering her invisible.
A hand gripped my ass cheek under my skirt but when I spun around, nobody was there. I walked the main floor in a figure eight. Lauren stuck to me like glue, the personal chaperone I’d never asked for. “Have you seen Flora?”
I whipped back to face her. “No, why? Am I her babysitter?”
Lauren curled her lip. “You’re her roommate. And she seemed weird earlier. We were supposed to meet at Olin to study, and she blew me off. It’s not like her.”
“Well, I haven’t seen her. Try texting her or something.” I wanted to add, If you’re so close, you should know where she is. It was a Sully thing to say. But I wasn’t Sully.
“I did. She’s not replying. What’s your mission tonight, anyway?” She tapped her boot, waiting for my answer.
I decided to give her something—she would never piece it together anyway. “There’s a guy I’ve been talking to who might be here. I think he’s in love with me.” I liked how it sounded.
“Who is he?” I liked the hint of jealousy in her voice too.
“Nobody you know.”
She didn’t have a reply. Instead, she said something totally random. “She’s dangerous, you know. Sloane. You don’t know what she’s capable of.”
I thought I must have misheard her over the music. “What?” I shouted, but then Sully appeared behind her. I took the drink she handed over and accepted the bump of cocaine she offered me off one of her keys. Lauren stalked away, shaking her head.
Sully’s mouth curved into a smile. When I revisited that night—and I did, often, as much as I pretended I didn’t—that smile jutted out first, the biggest picture on a collage.
“Look over there. I told you he’d be here.”
Over there was Flora, dancing in front of the mantel, hair flying, jeans sagging off her skinny ass. She was wearing flip-flops, the same pink polka-dot ones she wore in the dorm showers. She hadn’t even attempted to match Kevin, in his green Dartmouth cap, handsome and completely bewildered, his mouth a flat line.
“Is she drunk?” I yelled, turning to Sully. But I didn’t get an answer, because there was that smile again, except it was even bigger now, carving a path to her cheekbones. I turned back to see Kevin trying to extract Flora from the dance floor. She shoved him away, her eyes blurry with smeared mascara.
“She’s done,” Sully said.
Those two words, over and over in my head. Like Flora was a piece of meat, cooked too long.
NOW
To: “Ambrosia Wellington” [email protected]
From: “Wesleyan Alumni Committee” [email protected]
Subject: Class of 2007 Reunion
Dear Ambrosia Wellington,
Things are gearing up. If movement is on your mind, lace up your shoes for a campus fun run. No competition, just fitness between friends. Don’t look over your shoulder to see who’s behind you—what matters is the finish line!
Sincerely,
Your Alumni Committee
We have to walk past Flora on our way back to the dorm. Somebody has plastered her on the side of the Nics, her blue eyes boring into us. The same life-sized poster that’s hanging all over campus. Flora Banning Memorial Foundation—Support Mental Health! I don’t look at her, like I tried not to look at her name on all the emails, the Flora Banning Memorial Foundation, right underneath the names of the Alumni Committee. If she were alive, she’d be one of them. She would have married a boy from a good family, worn headbands and pleated skirts to church. She would have been a child psychologist and a patient mother. She would have been everything I’m not. Maybe that’s why I hated her—not because she had who I wanted but because she had what I wanted, qualities I could never embody when I tried. Because she was nice, and that was its own power.
I tell myself that I won’t leave Adrian again. I’ll go on the stupid campus fun run, even though the only running I feel like doing is back home, to our apartment and the warm buzz of Astoria.
But now that I’ve convinced him I’m sick, he won’t let me do the run. He insists that I lie down, claiming he wants to run with Justin and Monty anyway. And Jonah, apparently, his new friend, who Adrian says is “super chill.” My own lies have boxed me into these four walls.
“I’ll stay here and take care of Amb,” Sully says, lips scrunching into a smile as she retreats into her room. “You go and have fun.”
I don’t like the way she’s practically pushing him out the door, like she wants me all to herself. But there’s nothing more I can say.
“Hey,” he says, finger to my cheek. “Do you think—do you think you’re not feeling well because—you know?”
I shake my head. “I doubt it.”
When he’s gone, Sully hovers in the inner doorway. “Because what? Does he think you’re knocked up?”
I suppose we’re both aware of how thin the walls are. “Maybe. But I’m not.”
“Good. I never want kids.” Sully sits next to me on the bed, which jars me back to our getting ready for countless nights out, side by side. “Some people aren’t meant to be mothers. Especially if they have daughters. The last thing I need is another girl like me in the world.”
There’s Billie, who always proclaimed that she wanted kids but yanks a brush through Sawyer’s hair impatiently. Sometimes all I want is my old life back, she says when she drinks. And then there’s me, who wants a life I never even had to begin with.
“My mom couldn’t handle me,” Sully continues. “I got away with so much. She thought having me at Spence would help. No boys around to distract me. As if I couldn’t find them elsewhere… among other distractions.”
Her own words. I get bored easily. I was a toy, convenient for her to bat around. We all were.
“Anyway. What are we going to do about Flora?” Sully tucks her knees into her chest. “We n
eed to figure out who’s sending these notes and what they want. When you saw us in the truck, Kevin and I had been talking about meeting at Friendly’s to make a plan.”
What are we going to do about Flora? The same conversation we had back then. The knowledge that something had to be done.
“I guess that makes sense.” Despite all the time I spent getting over somebody I never had, I want to see him again. Not on TV or in shitty Internet photos or through a windshield. I want to ask him the question I’ve been holding in for almost fourteen years. Did you really mean it?
Sully gets up and wanders into her room. “I didn’t know you ever talked to him,” I call after her.
“Relax. I don’t.” She emerges at the doorframe in jeans and a bra, as nonchalant as ever about her body being on display. “I told you, he’s the one who reached out.”
“I know. It still doesn’t make sense, though.” Why didn’t he reach out to me?
“You can’t possibly be jealous,” Sully says softly. She turns around, giving me her back. I want to ask how he even found her email address, but I have a feeling she would twist the answer. “If you’re coming, you’d better get ready.”
We both end up in dark denim and heather gray, almost like we planned it. Almost like the grown-up version of Double Feature. If I believed in signs, this would be the worst one.
Sully’s car is a black Toyota Echo, older and plainer than something I’d imagine her driving. We used to talk about taking road trips together. Feet on the dashboard, Slipknot on the radio, probably heading toward the ocean.
“I don’t know about you,” Sully says as she pulls out of V Lot, “but being back here has really fucked with my head. Maybe it’s that nobody seems to have changed, just gotten older.”
The Girls Are All So Nice Here Page 16
