Even if he does not use his name, it belongs to him.
I will not take my husband’s name. I will be merciful.
June 25, 2018
Part V
HOW NOT TO DO THINGS WRONG
THERE IS NOTHING MORE EMBARRASSING than to do things wrong! What words are good to say, and what words are bad to say? Which tiny fork should you use to eat salad, which tiny fork is for dessert, and which tiny fork bears a hideous curse and should be destroyed immediately if it is ever placed in front of you? Society is full of these questions! There are many written rules, like, murder is bad—but equally there are unwritten rules, like, if you are responsible for enough murder, far enough away, and wear a nice suit, people still have to be polite to you at cocktail parties. Here is how to say and do things correctly in this wonderful world, with some beautiful guidelines for your speech to be more perfect, and some examples of how to write well and correctly about the news that is going on. You will soon be getting the hang of it! Look no further to be Good and Accurate!
Famous Quotes, the Way a Woman Ought to Say Them in a Meeting
I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY of translating some famous sentences into the way a woman would have to phrase them during a meeting to avoid being perceived as angry, threatening, or (gasp!) bitchy. Start with your thought. Then say it as though you were offering a groveling apology for an unspecified error. This will prevent embarrassing mistakes!
“Give me liberty, or give me death.”
Woman in a Meeting: “Dave, if I could, I could just—I just really feel like if we had liberty it would be terrific, and the alternative would just be awful, you know? That’s just how it strikes me. I don’t know.”
“I have a dream today!”
Woman in a Meeting: “I’m sorry, I just had this idea—it’s probably crazy, but—look, just as long as we’re throwing things out here—I had sort of an idea or vision about maybe the future?”
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”
Woman in a Meeting: “I’m sorry, Mikhail, if I could? Didn’t mean to cut you off there. Can we agree that this wall maybe isn’t quite doing what it should be doing? Just looking at everything everyone’s been saying, it seems like we could consider removing it. Possibly. I don’t know, what does the room feel?”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
Woman in a Meeting: “I have to say—I’m sorry—I have to say this. I don’t think we should be as scared of non-fear things as maybe we are? If that makes sense? Sorry, I feel like I’m rambling.”
“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”
Woman in a Meeting: “I’m not an expert, Dave, but I feel like maybe you could accomplish more by maybe shifting your focus from asking things from the government and instead looking at things that we can all do ourselves? Just a thought. Just a thought. Take it for what it’s worth.”
“Let my people go.”
Woman in a Meeting: “Pharaoh, listen, I totally hear where you’re coming from on this. I totally do. And I don’t want to butt in if you’ve come to a decision here, but, just, I have to say, would you consider that an argument for maybe releasing these people could conceivably have merit? Or is that already off the table?”
“I came. I saw. I conquered.”
Woman in a Meeting: “I don’t want to toot my own horn here at all but I definitely have been to those places and was just honored to be a part of it as our team did such a wonderful job of conquering them.”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”
Woman in a Meeting: “I’m sorry, it really feels to me like we’re all equal, you know? I just feel really strongly on this.”
“I have not yet begun to fight.”
Woman in a Meeting: “Dave, I’m not going to fight you on this.”
“I will be heard.”
Woman in a Meeting: “Sorry to interrupt. No, go on, Dave. Finish what you had to say.”
October 13, 2015
Some Interpersonal Verbs, Conjugated by Gender
THE SAMPLE SENTENCES BELOW demonstrate the proper English usage of interpersonal verbs, inflected for mood, tense, and gender.
UNIT 1
He is drinking; he is drunk; he was drunk.
He is just seventeen; he was just seventeen.
Remember that he is just a kid; remember that he was just a kid; you must remember he was just a kid.
He cannot know what he is doing; he could not know what he was doing; he cannot have known what he was doing.
See your way clear to letting this go; you must see your way clear to letting this go.
He has his future ahead of him; he had his future ahead of him.
This will ruin his life; this is going to ruin his life.
He makes a mistake; he made a mistake; people make mistakes; mistakes were made.
He did something; she had something done to her; something happened.
These things happen.
She is drinking; she is drunk; she was drunk.
She is fifteen; she was fifteen.
She is putting herself in this position; she put herself in that position.
She should know better; she should have known better.
She must think about his future; she must think about her future.
She must say nothing; she will say nothing; she says nothing; she said nothing.
What happens here will stay here; what happens here stays here; what happens here stays.
She carries this; she will carry this.
An incident occurred; an incident derailed her life; her life was derailed.
These things happen.
She should not say anything; she will ruin his life; it will not be real unless she says something.
She should not have waited so long to speak; she should have said something; it could not have been real if she did not say anything.
These allegations will ruin his life; making these allegations will ruin someone’s life; she will ruin her life making these allegations.
She went on to lead a productive life, so how bad can it have been?
She did not go on to lead a productive life, so how can we trust what she has to say?
If it is true, why would she want to remain anonymous? Now that we know her name, we are coming to her house.
It happens. It happened. It was a long time ago.
She waits. She says nothing.
She should not have waited. She should not have said nothing.
She remembers it happened. She remembers it happened to her. She remembers he did something.
She says something.
How can she remember? Does she remember? Is it possible to remember? I don’t remember—who can remember?
She wore something. Did she wear something? What did she wear?
Did she drink? Was she drinking?
Did he drink? Was he drinking?
She should have been responsible. He cannot have been responsible.
It is very hard to imagine that anything happened. Did it happen? It was a long time ago. She said nothing.
He does not remember.
He remembers that it did not happen. He remembers that he did nothing. He remembers that he was absent.
UNIT 2 (ADVANCED)
If it happened (although it did not happen), it would not have been wrong.
If it happened (it may have happened; he did not do it, but it may have happened), it was only to be expected.
These things happen. (He did not do it.)
These things happen. (Even if he did it, it was only a thing that sometimes happens.)
We cannot know what happened; she does not know what happened; he knows what happened.
Nothing happens; nothing happened; something happened to her; he did nothing; this is how it always happens.
This is how a thing he did became something that happened to her; this is how something he did becomes something that
happens.
This is how this keeps happening.
September 19, 2018
How to Fact-Check
ONE OF THE IMPORTANT FUNCTIONS of journalism is to check facts. Sometimes people make statements that sound true, but in fact are not—and vice versa! The role of the fact-checker—like us, here at FactFind—is to make certain we can tell which is which! Here are a few examples of tricky sentences to fact-check.
The Age of Man Is Over. The Time of the Orc Has Come!
Rating: two truthcicles of a possible five!
It’s very difficult to quantify when an “age” begins and ends. In geologic time, ages last for millions of years, whereas Man has only been here on Middle-earth for a small fraction of that. To say that the Age of Man is over, Man would have to have existed for a long enough period to impact Middle-earth, already a dubious proposition, if you consult any trained geologist. As to the second claim, it is certainly true that Orcs are more numerous now than they have ever been—and the new race of Uruk-hai is making enormous strides! So although nobody has been alive for an Age, it is possible to say with some accuracy that the Orc is having a moment. A full age? Maybe not. Still, this isn’t entirely a false premise. And if men keep faring as badly as they did at Helm’s Deep, they may not be long for this world! By the way, who said this? Was there any more context?
All Newsmen and Immigrants Deserve to Be Burned at the Stake
Rating: three untruth-slices of a possible four!
It’s extremely difficult to state with certainty what anyone deserves, let alone a large, heterogeneous group of people like journalists and immigrants. To do this, you would need a lot of data, much more data than we at FactFind currently possess! Technically, we are journalists, and I sure wouldn’t like to be burned at the stake, whether I deserve to be, or not. The question of what people deserve has been contemplated since the dawn of time by philosophers and jurists, and nobody has been able to come up with a clear answer. But one thing we can do is look at the law, which has not recommended burning anyone at the stake for a crime for more than six hundred years! That’s a pretty clear precedent—it would suggest that, in our jurisprudential tradition, nobody deserves to be burned at the stake. This being said, every group of people, like every standard barrel of apples, contains some bad apples. (Source: Apple Barrel Comparison, 2014). So is it possible to say that ALL newsmen and immigrants DON’T deserve to be burned at stakes? Well, just to be safe, let’s give this three out of four.
Sometimes People Make Statements in Bad Faith That Don’t Deserve to Be Evaluated as Fact
We give this statement 50 percent. That feels even-handed, right?
How to Speak Woman
I HAVE READ ALL THE critiques of women’s vocal mannerisms and tics. I have come to a few simple conclusions, which I have distilled into the following thirteen tips.
1. Never speak in run-on sentences. Use only sentences that Hemingway would use. Speak curtly. Speak of fish and fighting, and the deep wisdom no woman can know. Speak of hills and strong liquor. Speak of Scott Fitzgerald and his fatal weakness.
2. Never let the word “just” pass your lips. If you find that you have used the word “just” even once, smite mightily about yourself with a mace, lest anyone live to tell the tale and lose you the respect of your colleagues.
3. Never end sentences with a question mark, even when you are asking a question. This may baffle and alarm everyone around you, but better that than the alternative.
4. In fact, avoid questions entirely, lest someone hear you speaking with a rising inflection and take away your place in the workforce. When you wish to ask a question, have a man ask it for you, to save face.
5. Never speak with a rising inflection. If you must speak with any inflection at all, speak with a falling inflection.
6. Do not use baby talk, not even to babies. Especially not to babies. Avoid speaking to babies in general, as they do not control the workforce and cannot offer you advancement.
7. Never apologize. Not even once. Not for yourself, and certainly not for America. Never let “sorry” leave your lips. If you wish to play the board game of that name, point at it and growl.
8. Never creak. You should sooner croak than creak.
9. When you form words at all, which should be but rarely, make certain they come out in a low, gravelly growl, like a hungover Joe Cocker who has just gargled shards of glass. Strive to sound like a cigarette would sound if it could talk. Strive to rumble like thunder that has taken a class to counteract its vocal fry. If you sound like the love child of Darth Vader and a female Ent, you have achieved your purpose. Speak so that those who hear you wonder aloud and say, “Surely this speaker is a man. Or a grizzly bear who has swallowed a man whole.”
10. Most of the time, make no sound at all. Let your actions speak for you. Speak with your fists, never your hands.
11. In general, communicate only by tearing off the arms of those with whom you are displeased. Wave these arms like flags, in a kind of gruff semaphore. To express feelings, roll rocks downhill with rude emoji carved on them.
12. Remember, be confident. You are woman. Hear you roar. It is the only vocalization you can freely make lest you be hounded off the airwaves and out of the workforce.
13. GRRRRR ARRRG. GRRRRRR. RRRRR.
July 28, 2015
How to Parent Wrong
THERE ARE SO MANY PARENTING fads, it is hard to keep them straight!
Here are your options.
Helicopter Parenting: You hover frantically over your child at all times, shredding pigeons in your rotating blades.
Free-Range Parenting: Your children eat grass and roam at will so that their flesh will become more tender and juicy than that of their cage-bred counterparts.
Lawnmower/Snowplow Parenting: You knock all obstacles out of your child’s path like a—bulldozer? Why didn’t they go with bulldozer when naming this parenting style? Lawnmowers and snowplows aren’t the same thing at all! Make sure you’re doing the one that is right for your climate.
Juggernaut Parenting: You knock all obstacles out of your child’s path while shouting “I’M THE JUGGERNAUT!”
Tiger Parenting: You are maniacally devoted to your child’s excellence in all things and will fight your child tooth and nail until that child gets into Princeton.
Free-Range Tiger Parenting: Your children can roam at will, but must drag pianos with them to practice.
Free-Range Helicopter Parenting: Your children can roam at will, but you hover overhead in a helicopter.
Free-Range Attachment Parenting: Your children can wander anywhere at will, and you just happen to be there too.
Tiger Attachment Parenting: To help with discipline, your child is attached to a live tiger.
Helicopter Tiger Parenting: OH GOD, WHO’S PILOTING THAT THING? It’s a BIG CAT!
Ironic Hipster Parenting: You’re screwing up your child on purpose.
Locavore Parenting: You only eat local children.
Trump Parenting: “I’m the best parent, the greatest, and your childhood is going to be huge!” you tell your child, repeatedly, for eighteen years, offering no other guidance.
Parenting 90X: This parenting technique looks a lot more doable when the guy in the video does it.
Outsource Helicopter Parenting: You hire someone else to micromanage your children’s lives.
Lawnmower Attachment Parenting: You chew up life before feeding it to your child.
French Parenting: Where are my children? Give me wine.
Dickens Parenting: Children are orphans.
Disney Parenting: One parent is mysteriously deceased but the other one is voiced by James Earl Jones.
Lion Parenting: Everything the light touches is yours, you tell your child, before being stampeded to death by wildebeests.
Backseat Parenting: You let the child make all his own decisions, then second-guess them.
Joan Crawford Parenting: All your parenting decisions are bad, but
your child is at least getting a good memoir out of it.
Sondheim Parenting: Sing out, Louise!
Sims Parenting: Child sometimes plays chess for three days straight, but equally also sometimes plays video games for three days straight. No one wants to talk about pirates with him. Oh no, the pool ladder’s gone!
Paleo Parenting: You abandon your child on a rock outcropping to fend for himself.
SoulCycle Parenting: You leave your child at home to go to SoulCycle.
Traditional Parenting: You have six children and all of them perish before age four. You are a serf.
Bible-Based Parenting: You have eleven sons. Ten of them sell the eleventh into slavery because they are angry about his fashion choices.
Sitcom Parenting: Oh, Dad!
Philosophical Parenting: Because I said so, that’s why.
Princeton Mom Parenting: “WHY AREN’T YOU MARRIED YET? YOUR YOUTH IS SLIPPING AWAY!” you shout, as your daughter emerges from the womb.
Dada Parenting: You find someone else’s child and write R. Mutt on him.
Surrealist Parenting: Your child is a lobster.
Kafka Parenting: When your child won’t come out of his room, you assume that it is because he has transformed into a monstrous vermin.
MOMA Parenting: Your child is not a child but an art installation! You are Tilda Swinton.
Sharknado Parenting: Your parenting is so bad it’s good.
Objectivist Parenting: You do not live for your children, nor do you ask your children to live for you. Stop crying, Little Roark, and let enlightened self-interest guide you.
Just remember, at the end of the day, there’s only one way to parent: wrong.
September 3, 2015
What to Call Racist Remarks Instead of Calling Them Racist Remarks
SO, SOMEONE HAS SAID SOMETHING RACIST. But you don’t want to SAY they have said something racist. That would be upsetting! What do you do? For anyone still struggling on this point, here are some further euphemisms for “racist” to add pizzazz to your headlines! Don’t worry, everyone will know what you mean.
Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why Page 12
