Matt kicked the door shut and then welcomed Connor with a kiss.
"I went to the butcher's during my lunch break and ordered a turkey." He beamed at Connor before frowning. "My oven will be big enough, won't it?"
"For Christmas dinner?"
Matt nodded enthusiastically. "I'll have to show my face at Mum's on Boxing Day, but I've already told her I'm spending Christmas Day here." Matt drew him into a bear hug. "I want to spend the day with my two men," he said softly.
Connor wrapped his arms around Matt's broad back. "Sounds amazing." He sighed and relaxed against Matt's chest. It would be even better if he could give himself to them. Even the thought left his head spinning with worry that he'd make a prize prat of himself, simply by trying to do more than kiss and touch. "I suppose you want me to cook," he said playfully in an attempt to throttle his self-doubt.
"I thought we'd do it together." Matt kissed his forehead. "You're a great teacher."
Connor's cheeks felt hot.
"Two weeks ago, my repertoire consisted of beans on toast and microwave meals. Now I can throw a basic Spag' Bol' together and bake a potato."
Connor resisted laughing.
"It was kind of embarrassing," Matt said. "Being a thirty-something bachelor who couldn't even boil an egg."
Connor narrowed his eyes a fraction, glad Matt couldn't see his response because of the way they were embracing. Suspicion nagged at his gut. He was pretty sure Matt's confession was about to turn into an analogy.
"I'm sure you're not the only thirty-something who can't boil an egg."
Matt snorted. "I'm hardly going to go around asking people to find out, am I? So in my head, I am the only one."
Connor half-heartedly tried to push away, but Matt tightened his grip.
"If embarrassment is what's holding you back, don't let it," Matt said softly.
Yup. There it was. Not that Connor saw much comparison between cooking and sex, but he couldn't blame Matt for trying to use his experiences to make him feel better.
"Seb and I aren't going to laugh at you or mock you."
Connor winced. It was moments like this that he was reminded how well they knew each other.
Matt's fingertips touched the underside of Connor's chin, applying gentle pressure to coax Connor into looking into Matt's warm eyes. "Everyone has a first time."
"At thirty-something?" Connor asked, his voice trembling over the borrowed words.
"It's probably more common than you think."
"I doubt that."
Matt's nose wrinkled a little. "I honestly think you'd be surprised. There’re all kinds of reasons why people don't rush out to have sex anymore."
Connor doubted that, but Matt's words still pinged around his head: in my head, I am the only one. It was how he felt. In his mind, he was the only thirty-something virgin.
"Would you tell me what your reasons are?" Matt asked.
"Aside from embarrassment?" Connor sighed. "I'm afraid of making a fool out of myself. Of doing all the wrong things. Of not being able to satisfy either of you." He pushed away. "And I know you keep trying to make me feel better about it. I know you won't mock me or laugh at me, but—" He clenched his hands into fists. "None of that changes how stupid and useless I feel."
"That's why you're holding back now, which isn't what I asked."
"You know why. I'm convinced I'm going to get early-onset dementia and die by the time I'm fifty. I didn't want to get into a serious relationship, only to put my partner through that hell."
Matt stared at him for a second. "You're still not answering my question. Stop deflecting, Con. I know you took a few people home. Why didn't you ever go all the way with them?"
Connor clenched his fists. Matt really wasn't going to let up.
"It just didn't feel right. Something was missing."
Matt raised his eyebrows expectantly.
"Emotional connection," Connor admitted. "I needed more than physical attraction."
"And you never found the right emotional connection with any of those hookups?"
Connor shook his head. "Not with them. I found it, but you guys were unobtainable."
"We're not now."
Connor pressed the heels of his hands over his eyes and stared at the ceiling. He let out a frustrated growl. "I know that. Which brings us back round to me being too embarrassed to do anything with either of you."
Matt thatched his fingers and tapped them against his lips. "Believe me, I can relate to feeling embarrassed."
"How?" Connor hadn't intended for his tone to be so scoffing, but as much as he regretted it, he couldn't take it back. "You went through all the first-time awkwardness years ago. Compared to me, you're a fucking grand master."
Matt laughed. "With women." He stopped laughing abruptly and sank onto the sofa. "And if I were with a woman now, we'd have moved past hand jobs by now." There was a sharp bitterness to his voice that cut through Connor's sense of self-pity. "I know Seb wants more, although he's doing a damned good job of being patient, but I'm scared to go there."
Connor sat down beside him. Their bodies were angled so they were facing each other, knees gently knocked together.
"I haven't dared to speak to him about it. I mean… I haven't built up the courage to try giving him a blow job." Matt pursed his lips. "Seb gives amazing head, by the way. You're missing out."
Connor's face heated up like a furnace.
"He must be really fed up of giving but not receiving," Matt concluded with a heavy sigh. "Going down on a woman isn't exactly good prep for having a dick in my mouth."
Connor edged closer. "Do you want to?"
Matt shrugged. "I want to want to if that makes sense?"
Connor nodded. "It makes perfect sense." It was exactly how he felt, about everything.
"It's not even that I don't want to. But every time I think about it, nerves get the better of me. It wouldn't exactly be romantic if I gagged the second my lips went anywhere near his dick, would it?"
"No." Connor's heart rate had increased. As embarrassing as the conversation was, it was good to know he wasn't the only one feeling anxious about being intimate. He'd known that Matt did have concerns, but they hadn't talked about them since the night they'd decided to enter into a relationship. Even then, Matt hadn't poured his heart out.
"And while you and I are trying to sort our heads out and gather our courage, poor Seb isn't getting any," Matt said.
"But he is," Connor pointed out. "You guys…" He looked away. "You know."
Matt chuckled. "You were awake."
"Sometimes," Connor said cautiously. "I guess that makes me weird."
"Why?"
"Being a voyeur… isn't it weird? Maybe even wrong?"
"Only if the people you're watching don't know or consent to it," Matt said. "And we told you it was okay, didn't we?"
Connor nodded. "Yeah." His throat felt tight. "I guess."
"Do you enjoy it?" Matt asked, tipping his head to the side in thought.
Connor forced himself to look back into Matt's eyes. "Yes," he breathed.
"It turns you on?" Matt's voice had dropped to a husky level.
"Yes."
He swallowed as Matt edged closer.
"Knowing you're watching us turns me on."
Connor sucked in a breath and held it. Matt kissed his neck slowly, making him tip his head back. He exhaled, a little of the tension he'd been carrying pushing out of his body with the puff of air.
"Is this nice?" Matt asked between kisses.
"You know it is," Connor whimpered. So much for no pressure. Not that he was complaining or pushing Matt away. When Matt stopped, disappointment rose within him.
"How far did you get with those hookups?"
Connor winced. "Not much further than kissing. I know. I'm stupid."
"No," Matt whispered, stroking his hand over Connor's knee. "Inexperience doesn't make you stupid. You wanted an emotional connection. I can totally respect that." His hand gradually moved on t
o Connor's thigh, slowly sweeping upwards. "Maybe that's why what the three of us have feels more right than any relationship I've had before. We've had that connection for a long time." His hand stilled at the top of Connor's leg, a few millimetres from his groin. "Give me your hand."
It was a request, not a command. Connor pulled his eyebrows together.
"Trust me," Matt said with a wicked grin.
Connor did trust Matt; it was himself he didn't trust. He placed his palm against Matt's. Matt moved closer still, draping his leg over Connor's so they were as close as they could possibly be without sitting in one another's laps. He pressed Connor's hand against his groin, moving it in firm circles. Connor didn't let his eyes stray from Matt's. He felt Matt's cock becoming hard beneath his hand.
"Like that?" Matt asked.
Unable to speak, Connor nodded.
"Good." Matt leaned forward to run the tip of his tongue along Connor's bottom lip. "Because I do, too," he breathed against Connor's mouth. "You're turning me on."
Connor swallowed. He wanted to point out that Matt was turning himself on, but he didn't seem to have a voice anymore. The thought flew out of his head as Matt kissed him passionately. At the same time, Matt put more pressure on Connor's hand, rubbing it harder over his cock, which was stiff beneath his trousers.
"I'll stop if you want," Matt offered.
Connor's only response was to take control of his hand, rubbing it over Matt's hard length. Matt's hand moved again, this time to Connor's groin. He copied Connor's movements, rubbing firm circles over Connor's cock through his jeans. Matt began kissing him again, on his lips, his jaw, his neck.
"This would be more fun without clothes," Matt announced. "Or at least with our trousers unzipped." He popped the button on Connor's jeans, slid the zip down, and freed his hard cock from the confines of underpants.
"Oh, God," Connor hissed as Matt's large hand closed around his shaft, applying enough pressure to make him pant and squirm.
"I want to make you come."
Seb's words leapt into Connor's head: Once you let yourself relax with all this stuff, you might end up wanting to move more quickly than you think. That was exactly what was happening. With the way Matt was stroking his cock, it was impossible not to relax and even harder not to want more.
"I should—" He bit his lip and arched his back as Matt's thumb played over the head of his cock. "Oh—"
"You don't need to do anything," Matt promised him. "Just sit back and enjoy."
Connor relaxed against the sofa cushions. His hand still rested over Matt's groin, but he was no longer capable of moving it. For a while, he continued to stare into Matt's eyes, marvelling at the desire he found there. Matt's hand was ceaseless in lavishing attention on his cock, leaving Connor writhing and moaning. It wasn't long before he couldn't keep his eyes open. His head lolled back, his eyelids fluttered shut, his hips moved to the same up-down rhythm of Matt's expert hand. At the same time, Matt carried on showering him with kisses.
"Christ, Matt. That's so good." The words sounded more coherent in his head. In reality, they came out as a muddled slur.
Matt's laugh vibrated against his lips. "If you think this is good, you really need to let Seb go down on you."
Connor groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. A tidal wave of pressure had built up at the base of his cock, and he couldn't stop it from bursting free. It tore through his body, leaving him alternately gasping and sucking in air as every part of him shuddered over and over. He felt dizzy, like the sofa was spinning in crazy circles. His heart pounded. Matt's lips pressed to his again, and slowly the sofa stopped moving.
Matt sat back, chuckling. "Fuck, seeing you come like that was good. I'm guessing it was good for you, too?"
Conner leaned against Matt's chest, wrapping his arms tightly around him. "God, yes. Thank you."
"It's me who should be thanking you."
Connor glanced up. "Why?"
"For letting me be your first. It's quite an honour." Matt winked at him.
Connor pressed his cheek to Matt's chest and squeezed even harder. He was glad he'd waited for that moment and insanely happy he'd shared it with Matt. Emotional connection? Check. Waiting for the right person? Check. Fulfilled? Fuck, yes.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Connor
"I'm going to have to start keeping spare clothes in the car," Connor mumbled as he wandered back into the sitting room. He'd had to borrow a pair of Seb's jogging bottoms and had no underwear on.
"And that's a bad thing because…?" Matt was lounging on the sofa, legs kicked up on the coffee table, flicking through TV channels.
"It's not, I guess."
"You could keep more clothes here," Matt said. "So you don't have to plan to stay over. Or in case yours get dirty," he added with a wink.
"Really?" Connor wasn't sure if he was blushing because he was embarrassed or because the thought of what had happened left him hot under the collar.
Matt laughed. "Yes, really." He turned the TV off and chucked the remote onto the table. "I really like it when you sleep with us. Giving you a hand job was pretty awesome too."
Connor's breath hitched in his throat. They stared at each other for several seconds, only looking away when the door opened and Seb walked in. He looked between them and then down at the borrowed jogging bottoms.
"Okay, what have I missed?" he asked, a smile tugging at his lips.
"I was just saying that Connor should keep some clothes here," Matt said in a casual tone.
"That's a great idea!" Seb's eyes were bright, his face animated. "Did you spill something?" he asked, nodding towards Connor.
Connor almost choked. He turned away, cheeks embarrassingly hot.
"It was my fault," Matt said. "I'm a klutz with a glass of water, apparently. You don't mind, do you?"
"Nope." Seb drew the word out, as though he didn't quite believe the story. "I really need to chill out tonight," he said, flopping onto the sofa next to Matt. "Work was shit today."
"What happened?" Connor asked, daring to turn round.
"The new guy I have to represent is an absolute creep." He slumped against the cushions, wiping his hands over his face. "But I'm not senior enough in the firm to get to pick and choose my clients."
"I'm sorry," Matt said.
Seb shrugged. "Let's just say I can understand why his wife divorced him. I'll do the best I can for him, obviously. It would be unprofessional not to." He shuddered. "But I hope I make partner one day so I can say no to jerks."
Matt squeezed Seb's knee. "That's rough."
"Yeah."
Connor sat down on the other side of Seb and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.
"What can we do to distract you?" Matt asked.
Seb sat up a little straighter, eyes gleaming. "Is that an offer?"
Matt snorted. "That depends on what you think I'm offering." He winked at Connor.
Connor's cheeks became hotter. It wasn't that long ago that he and Matt had been kissing and…
Seb pursed his lips, glancing between Connor and Matt. "Some fun?"
"Fun," Matt repeated. "A movie? Video games?"
"You know what I mean."
"I do?" Matt shook his head. "I think you're going to have to spell it out for me."
"Jesus, Matt, just fucking jack me off already, would you?"
Matt burst out laughing, a deep rumbling sound that started in his belly and burst out of his throat. It was joyous to hear. "I thought you'd never ask."
"I don't normally have to ask," Seb grumbled. He rolled his head to look at Connor. "Please tell me he doesn't tease you like this?"
"Umm…" Connor pressed his lips together.
Seb arched an eyebrow. "Am I missing something?"
Connor rubbed the back of his neck.
Seb looked to Matt, who simply shrugged.
"Has something happened between you two?" Seb pouted. "Did I miss out?"
Matt grinned but remained quiet.
Connor looked to Matt, but his friend simply raised his eyebrows a fraction in an encouraging gesture. Connor understood. This was his story to tell. He also needed to own his embarrassment rather than letting it consume him.
"He gave me a hand job," he blurted out. He was pretty sure if his cheeks got any hotter, his head would explode.
"Hence borrowing my clothes?" Seb said.
"Yes."
Seb clasped his hand. "Want me to get some ice to cool your face down?"
His comment made Connor blush more fiercely.
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Blame Matt for not being gentleman enough to strip you first." He nudged Matt. "Can I tell you a story?"
Connor nodded.
"Do you remember my first boyfriend?" Seb asked.
"Rob," Connor recalled. Seb had started seeing him in high school, shortly after coming out.
"My parents wanted to prove how accepting and progressive they were, so they invited him over for dinner. You remember that square table they used to have?"
"Yes."
It was tiny, barely big enough for four place settings. Cosy was the best term for it.
"He sat opposite me, my parents facing each other. We were eating and chatting about nothing in particular, and suddenly his foot is on my groin, under the table."
Connor's jaw slackened.
"I'm making eyes at him to stop, but he keeps on going, using his toes and the ball of his foot to massage my cock through my jeans. I lasted about thirty seconds before I jizzed in my pants. I had to pretend I was having a coughing fit to cover up the huge fucking groan I let out. Then I had to sit there for the rest of the meal with damp jeans whilst Rob carried on chatting with my parents as though nothing had fucking happened. And afterwards…" Seb whistled. "I had to get to my room without my parents seeing."
"Really?" Connor asked. "You're not just making this up?"
"It's true. My point is clothes can get changed." He stared into Connor's eyes. "I hope you had fun."
"I did," Connor whispered. He still wasn't convinced Seb was telling the truth, something his friend must have picked up from the expression on his face.
"I didn't tell either of you at the time because it was bloody mortifying," Seb said.
Matt snorted and laughed loudly. Seb joined him, his eyes tearing up with the effort. Connor let himself laugh with them. The release of tension felt great, and the heat in his cheeks dissipated.
I Wished For You Page 12
