by S S Bazinet
“Well, stop it immediately.”
Annabel began knitting again. “No, I will not be kept in the dark when your life is at stake. If you start losing ground again, I want to know about it.”
William sat back again letting the furrows in his brow deepen. Being married was one thing, but having Annabel privy to his private musings was unacceptable. “Fine, I can always use my shields.”
Annabel stopped knitting again and gave him her full attention. “I wish you wouldn’t. If I can’t check on you, I’ll think the worst. Then I’ll worry constantly.”
“Annabel, I hope you realize that you’re still much too dependent on me. I might have a problem with a loss of passion, but you’ve got a problem too. You’re making me the most important part of your life. And whether I stay on this earth or not, it will not solve your neediness. Instead of knitting, you should be finding a way to be your own person, with me or without me.”
“Do you think it’s that easy when you’re always up to something upsetting? I want you to know that Arel isn’t the only drama addict. Both of you constantly insist on being the stars in a never ending spectacle that involves life and death. I don’t have a chance to relax, much less learn independence.”
“I didn’t ask you to fall in love with me. And I certainly didn’t ask you to take off your wings.”
Annabel tipped up her chin. “No, you didn’t. I made that choice. I wanted to experience more than what I could experience as an angel. But why are you in this relationship, William? What made you sacrifice yourself to save me in the first place? Why did you drive that dagger into yourself instead of killing me?”
“You were an angel, Annabel, a beautiful, guiltless being. I couldn’t allow the hatred I harbored to destroy a creature so pure.”
“And now? Am I just an imperfect human like the rest?”
William saw the blaze in Annabel’s eyes, but he didn’t know how to answer her questions. He stared back mutely.
Annabel threw her knitting aside and got to her feet. “I take your silence as an indication that you haven’t examined the deeper issues at hand.”
“What do you mean?”
“I might be needy, but at least I’m not regretting my decisions. I’m living in the here and now, trying to find the best in the life I chose. But you can’t do that. You’re so busy looking for the glorious feelings you had on Arel’s battlefield that you won’t take the time to discover what glories might be available here, with me.”
William picked up the book he’d been reading and held it aloft. “I won’t take the time? I’m doing everything I can think of to change the state I’m in!”
“I know you think that’s true, but what you’re looking for isn’t in a book. It’s something hidden inside of you that’s beyond your conscious fears.”
“But I’ve gone beyond my fears!”
Annabel started for the stairs. “No, you haven’t. You just think you have.”
* * * * *
Annabel climbed the stairs to the upper level and went directly to the kitchen. It was her refuge, a place where she often sought comfort when she felt anxious. But anxiety over William’s actions wasn’t her only problem at this point in their relationship. Her own actions were a cause for concern.
She yanked open the refrigerator door with a disturbing thought. She was beginning to justify actions that she knew were wrong. Spying on William made her feel bad about herself. It compromised her values about honesty and being trustworthy. As she scanned the refrigerator shelves, she was mumbling to herself. “William doesn’t know it, but I want my own life, too.”
As soon as the words were out, she closed the refrigerator and thought about what she’d said. She wondered if her statement was true. Did she really want a life of her own? She often busied herself with sculpting and knitting, but did those activities help her to develop her sense of individuality?
When she was an angel, she cared about helping people, but she remained outside of their problems. At the end of an assignment, she knew who she was, and she was happy with herself. Presently, her energy was so mixed up with William’s that she didn’t think in terms of just who she was. She hardly had a thought that didn’t involve what William was doing.
Sadly, her current approach wasn’t helpful. Neither of them was happy with the other. And if she stepped back a little, she understood that William didn’t need a spy in his life. He needed a woman who remained strong and able no matter what he was doing.
She opened the refrigerator again and took out some cheese and bread for a sandwich. She’d been so busy monitoring William that she’d forgotten to eat lunch. Her stomach growled in protest. As she began putting her lunch together, she felt better.
When she’d first taken off her wings, she wished that William ingested food. Over time, she found it rather nice to eat alone. It gave her time to learn more about her body and how that physical part responded to life. When she had a calm, relaxed meal, she felt happy and content.
The idea of food and being happy reminded her of the time she’d spent with Carol and Peggy. When she was in Chicago, the three of them often shared laughter and cozy, small talk over a simple serving of scones and tea. Of course, it wasn’t only food that brought them together. When they went shopping or went for walks, everything felt so easy and simple. It contrasted sharply with the tension that often accompanied her time with William.
Remembering those happy occasions with her friends gave her an idea. What if she went to see them again? William was urging her to be more independent. Perhaps he was right. A week or two away from each other might be constructive. They’d have time to break the unhealthy patterns of communication they’d developed. And if she went to Chicago, she could stay with Arel.
She picked up her phone and called Carey instead. It was a relief to hear his voice when he answered the phone. He sounded so cheerful. After being subjected to William’s serious grumblings, she welcomed Carey’s easy-going tone. However, when she explained why she was calling, Carey told her about Arel’s situation. Claire was on her way to Chicago.
As soon as Annabel heard Claire’s name, she recoiled. “Maybe this is the wrong time for a visit,” she said in a rush. She needed time to explore who she was and how to have faith in herself. There was no way that was going to happen around Claire.
Carey quickly came up with a solution. “There’s a very nice motel not too far away. And if you stayed there, it would be easy to take a taxi wherever you wanted to go. I’d also be happy to borrow Arel’s car if needed. What do you think?”
Annabel’s breath caught. She’d never traveled very far without William by her side. On the other hand, she wanted to give him the space he needed. “I’m not sure.”
“Oh, come on, Annabel. Where’s your sense of adventure?”
Annabel tried to put on a brave face. After all, hadn’t William told her to expand her horizons? “You’re right, Carey. I’ll check online for a ticket and get back to you very soon.”
* * * * *
After Annabel went upstairs, William shut his eyes and tried to still his thoughts. Meditating could be a welcome practice, but no matter how hard he tried to relax, the total calm that he sought was beyond his reach. After weeks of feeling stuck in that mindset, he began to wonder if Annabel was right. She seemed convinced that he was living in denial, and that he refused to admit it.
The idea of denial was an interesting one. It was a coping mechanism. People used it when they didn’t want to know something that was too painful to process. Before Michael showed up, Arel was a classic example of denial. William would not allow himself to go that route. His life had always been about exploration and ferreting out answers, not sitting back and remaining ignorant.
He opened his eyes and took a deep breath. He was in charge of his life. Painful or not, he was prepared to face anything he’d hidden away. But what was he hiding? He had to start looking for an answer, but where? He decided the clues might be physical in natur
e. A person’s body was like a storehouse. Whatever was denied was stuffed away in its cells. If he was observant, perhaps the physical part of him would react and reveal something important.
It took a few minutes of calming the chatter in his mind before he pressed for information. Then he waited. Finally, in a quiet moment, he felt something. A slight tremor went through his limbs. A second followed.
The sensations weren’t pleasant. They were warnings. Instead of heeding their counsel, he ignored them. In fact, he was pleased. He was sure he was on the right track. Again, he went back to his original question. What wanted to stay hidden? He repeated the words, each time with more determination.
But that hidden part of him was stubborn too. As he tried to force the issue, he met with massive resistance. His body felt extremely fatigued. His arms and legs became weights. When he tried to shift in his chair, his body felt too heavy to move. He wanted to sleep.
Next, rational explanations began to explain his weariness. He’d gone through hell in the recent past. Since he’d swallowed angelic blood, his world had been torn apart and completely rearranged. Then there were his interactions with Arel and Arel’s constant dramas. William had nearly died on several occasions. With those experiences so fresh, didn’t he deserve to rest, even drift for a while? Why did he have to stir the pot again?
His reply was delivered in a resolute voice. “No matter what, drifting through life is unacceptable. Whatever is going on, I want to know about it.”
He placed a hand on his gut. It was an automatic gesture. In the past, everything that had ever frightened him seemed to reside there. And he wasn’t disappointed this time. When he pressed harder, he got a reaction. Something deep in his bowels stirred, flooding his awareness with dread and a terrible foreboding.
He pulled his hand away quickly and took hold of the arms of the chair instead. Whatever he’d awakened was so powerful that his entire body trembled and shook. For long moments, he couldn’t move. His body was letting him know that he’d disturbed something that he shouldn’t. His heart seconded the motion. It pounded out another warning in his ears. “Stop what you’re doing!”
It took all of his strength not to give in to the feelings. But the idea of being a victim to some buried fear was so unacceptable that he worked his fingers loose from the arms of the chair. He also managed to sit straighter and force his shoulders back. As he gathered up what felt like scattered parts of himself, he ordered his heart to slow down. On Arel’s battlefield, he’d remained steadfast no matter what he faced. Surely he could navigate an experience from his past. “Whatever the hell this nightmare is, I want to wake up! I want to be free of it!”
Without another moment of hesitation, the demanding hands of his conscious mind went to work. They probed and prodded those dormant places that wanted to stay buried. And they weren’t gentle. They became extensions of his need to dominate and subdue whatever life threw at him.
But William didn’t understand what he was dealing with. His methods were too harsh. They went too deep, too soon. Flashes of his childhood weaved in and out. They were like brief, terrifying flares of pain that surfaced for only a moment and then dived back into the depths within. Luckily, he knew all about pain. It was something that he’d learned to endure and overcome. Perseverance was part of becoming a man, a strong, determined adult.
In spite of his breath heaving in and out and his body shaking uncontrollably, he kept going with fresh resolve. A man didn’t quit. He had to discover what was causing the pain and deal with it, once and for all. That meant pushing even harder.
Through clenched teeth, he gave his body a direct order. It’s tone had no room for disobedience. “I want to know what you’re hiding! And I want to know now!”
His unbending demand was a terrible mistake. He’d never expected the enormity of what followed. Without pause, a treacherous, all-encompassing wave of despair hit him. It was the kind of despair that wiped out everything he thought he was in an instant. Self-determination was like some fragile bird that perished in a raging storm. Helplessness took its place.
He was on a battlefield again, but the battle was over and lost. Death was so heavy in the air that he could barely make his lungs work. His feet were leaden weights as he half-stumbled his way forward. The horrible death screams of a recent victim of treachery still replayed over and over. He knew that his own life was as good as finished too.
Something cold and ruthless was claiming victory and gobbling up everything in its path. As it caught up with him, its icy presence made his limbs stiff and useless. No matter how hard he struggled to go on, he couldn’t break free. A terrible fear of what was going to happen to him and to everything he loved seized hold. It snatched away his breath and left him gasping. He hadn’t just lost a battle, his world was headed towards total destruction.
The next thought was even more damning. He knew without a doubt that he was the one who was responsible. He’d been too weak to protect what was sacred. Now, everything he held close to his heart, everything that gave meaning to his life was being overrun by a force that only knew how to plunder and destroy.
As a shroud of death and darkness pinned him to the ground, he found himself pleading silently. That’s when he saw a small glimmer of light hovering over him. It seemed to call to him, urging him to focus on its brightness. He tried to make his mouth work, to find his voice. “Raphael!”
The angel’s name came out in barely a whisper, but it was enough. Raphael was instantly next to him, using his calming energy to help soothe William’s grief. Within a few moments, William felt the first glimmers of hope seeping into the blackened landscape.
Slowly the darkness gave way to light. Slowly, his lungs began to breathe in and out without so much effort. When he finally opened his eyes, he was back in his recliner. Raphael was sitting on the sofa.
William blinked, trying to hold on to his normal surroundings as waves of hopelessness still clouded his mind. But when he connected with Raphael’s eyes, they were so reassuring that he began to come back to himself. “How could there still be so much horror hidden away?”
Raphael remained very still. “You’re dismantling your limitations, my friend. There are definitions within you that no longer serve purpose. You need more of yourself to handle the power you have.”
William pushed the statement aside. “Somewhere long ago, I failed. That’s all I know.”
“William, believe me, you didn’t fail. Sometimes the challenges in life are overwhelming at the time. It’s only later that a person has the strength to deal with what they’ve experienced.”
“No! I’d rather be dead than feel that kind of pain again!” William glanced around the room, trying to find something to cling to, something that would restore some sense of stability. A part of him was still running from the hell he’d just faced. His gaze lingered on the basket of wool and knitting supplies that sat next to the sofa. They offered a bit of comfort. Just thinking about his sweet Annabel, and how she patiently knit colorful garments that he refused to wear, quieted the shakiness that still had hold. For the first time, he realized how strong she was. Even though she constantly faced new fears, she never stopped trying to be there for him. He looked back at Raphael. “Annabel’s life hasn’t been easy since she fell in love with me. I’ve failed her too.”
“You’re much too hard on yourself.”
William looked down at his hands. They were still clutching the arms of the recliner. “This blood thing has been a mistake, Raphael. Arel picked the wrong person when he gave it to me.”
“William!”
Annabel’s excited voice rang out, interrupting the moment and making William look up. Annabel was skipping down the stairs. As she hurried over to join them, she was smiling. Her smile broadened when she looked at Raphael.
“Good, you’re here too, Raphael,” she chirped.
Raphael nodded. “You’re looking more enthusiastic than usual.”
Annabel targeted the an
gel with sparkling, but adamant eyes. “I have a request. I want you to stay close to William when I leave.”
William forced himself to sit up more attentively. “Leave? Where are you going? I thought you already went to the shops today.”
Annabel walked over to where he sat and hugged him. “I’m getting a life, William, like you told me to do. In a few days, I’m taking myself to Chicago. Isn’t that wonderful? You’ll be free of my constant nagging. You can have the peace you need to think about your life. And I promise that I’m never going to invade your privacy again. No more meddling in your thoughts.”
Twenty-Four
AREL SMILED BROADLY as he got dressed. Was it Christmas already? No, it wasn’t, but he knew the day would be better than Christmas. It was the day that Claire was arriving in Chicago. The woman who made his heart sing would soon be in his arms.
It hadn’t been long since they’d last seen each other, but it felt like forever. Or maybe the forever feeling came from the longing and emptiness he’d known since he’d lost his first and only love before Claire, Justina. As he thought about how many things had changed since her passing, Michael knocked on his door.
“Good morning, Arel.”
“Michael, I was just appreciating you. Come in.”
Michael took a few steps forward and looked around. “So where is all this appreciation coming from?”
“Don’t play dumb,” Arel laughed. “You know that you made it possible for me to have a new life. And I’m so grateful.” He went over to the angel and did something he never usually did. In a fit of happiness, he hugged Michael. “Thank you for helping me all this time!”
Michael patted his back. “You’re welcome.”
Arel pulled away and put a hand to his chest, trying to calm his fast-beating heart. “After I lost Justina, I didn’t think I deserved another chance at love. I didn’t think anyone would have me. But you never gave up on me.”
