by Laura Brown
Chapter Nine
Izzy leaned over the travel crib, settling Archie on his back for the night. The nine-month-old kicked in his sleeping sack, rubbing his eyes, not the least bit perturbed by the change in location, or Nolan hovering by the door. Unlike Izzy, who felt the silent observer throughout the entire bedtime routine of reading a book and singing a song. The one person who should have been there all along.
Izzy apologized for her lack of signing, but he brushed her off, insisting he didn’t mind. Izzy did sign to Archie often, but by the end of the day she found herself too tired and in need of soft speaking and quiet hands. The rare exception being when Levi would pop in and take over story time.
She signed, “I-love-you,” as Archie continued to flail on his back, before turning off the light and walking down the hall. Nolan followed.
“He’s not asleep.”
“Not yet. He’s learned how to fall asleep on his own.” She wanted to explain about sleep training and the endless nights of listening to him cry it out, but didn’t have the energy or the words.
Unsure what to do next, Izzy plopped down on the couch. On a typical night she’d escape to the living room until Archie fell asleep. There she’d hang out with Gaby or Levi, watch TV, or read a book. Here she wasn’t fully sure where she’d sleep and hadn’t even managed to unpack.
Nolan joined her. “You’re good with him.”
She scoffed before she could catch herself. “Don’t have much choice.”
“Yes. You do. Just because you have a kid, or decide to keep one, doesn’t mean you’ll be a good parent. You sign with him because of me and your sister’s fiancé. Some deaf children don’t even get that.”
She didn’t know how to respond, so she thanked him, wondering why his praise meant as much as it did. His brown eyes were open and clear and, even though she barely knew him, she knew this was sincere. “I love him, you know. He’s my world and even if I could change the past, I wouldn’t.” Hardships and timing aside, she meant that down to her core.
“Good. I think I feel the same.” His gaze switched to the hall, where their son slept, or tried to sleep. And for the first time she really felt it. Theirs. Archie belonged to both of them. Who knew what the future held, but the simple fact remained.
“I’m glad we found you. And I’m sorry I couldn’t find you earlier.”
He waved her off. “That’s as much my fault as it is yours. Which reminds me, I still don’t have your number.”
Add that to the list of things they did backward. They quickly exchanged numbers, eighteen months too late.
Izzy rested her head against the couch, tired to her bones. Even with the permanent sluggish feeling of being an overtired parent, she also had a new feeling of contentment. Nolan was here. Nolan knew Archie. All the unknowns still tried to weigh her down, but she forced them away. One step at a time. Regardless of outcome, these moments were important.
“You’re tired,” he said.
“I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since I was six months pregnant.” And at that, she yawned.
“You can take my room, then. I’ll stay out here.”
She wanted to laugh. “Nice offer but I’ll still need to take care of Archie throughout the night. I wish for the day he sleeps straight through.”
Nolan touched her cheek, a soft pressure matching the concern deep in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault.” She thought about that one. “No, maybe it is. Do bad sleepers run in your family?”
He shrugged, his hand now resting against her neck, and her pulse kicked into high speed. This, this her heart remembered. And Izzy feared it wasn’t the memory of a lover’s touch, but more Nolan’s. His thumb rubbed back and forth and tension oozed straight out of her, lulling her into a state of bliss. She wanted to feel his lips on hers, sober, and see if that same magic repeated. She wanted to snuggle closer. Maybe not to do all the things; her body wasn’t quite the same, but touching and being touched in a way that didn’t involve a nine-month-old tempted.
She shifted forward, and as if he had an internal mommy sensor, Archie started crying, breaking through the moment. Izzy pulled back. “He’s crying.” Only she ended up yawning, again. Damn, another sleepless night was in her future.
Before she could move, Nolan stood. “I’ll check on him.”
“Do you know what to do?”
He lifted a shoulder. “No, but he is my son.” And with that he turned and headed down the hall, leaving Izzy in a blizzard of emotions, and her heart close to bursting.
…
Nolan had no clue why he offered to check on Archie. The only answer he had pointed to Izzy. When he was around her his brain turned off and rational thought ceased. As though someone had grabbed the controller and he had no choice but to go along and accept this new fate. More than any silly game-play analogy he could generate, she was tired. Exhausted, really, and he could do this small thing to help her out.
Also, his kid was crying. Maybe it had to do with them both staying in his apartment and the responsibility factor shooting up, but Nolan’s legs carried him down the hall to where a teary-eyed baby stood, hands on the side of the crib, crying. And the sight did something to Nolan, gripped at him way down deep. To the point where he didn’t think, autopilot still in control, and walked right over and lifted Archie into his arms.
He’d never done that before. Some form of buried instinct took over, and he bounced Archie as the kid gripped his shirt and shoved it into his mouth.
Huh. Nolan glanced around and found the pacifier wedged into the corner of the crib. He picked it up and offered it to Archie.
The baby shoved it into his mouth, and it was only afterward that Nolan realized he didn’t check to make sure the item was clean. Then Archie laid his head on Nolan’s shoulder while he sucked away, grip tight on the shirt.
Nolan continued to rock. Izzy might have spoken or sung, he wasn’t sure. He wanted both hands on the baby, one supporting the weight, the other holding him close. Soon the grip on Nolan’s shirt loosened and when he glanced down, Archie’s eyes were closed and a slow motion lingered on the pacifier. He moved to the crib and bent over, slowly transferring the baby to his back as Izzy had done. He knew something about back versus stomach sleeping and vice versa, but not the details.
One step back and he waited for the eyelids to pop open and the crying to resume. It didn’t. The slow bob of the pacifier continued. Nolan took a moment to watch Archie sleep, the tiny button nose, the lashes on his cheek. No doubt about it, Izzy and he had made a cute kid. He wanted to take a picture, or draw the kid, he liked drawing—especially on his computer graphics program—but now wasn’t the time. He hadn’t drawn a human in years, not since his crush senior year of college. His art was for him, of things he wanted to preserve, or to get a little creativity out. With the baby it kicked into the preservation desire.
With those odd thoughts and scary unnamed emotions swimming through him, he made his way back to the living room. There he found another set of similar eyes closed, eyelashes brushing cheeks. Izzy lay curled up on her side, fast asleep.
Good, she needs it.
Of course the urge to draw her welled up inside, but he quashed it. He had to figure out what to do about the sleeping beauty on his couch. He could cover her, but she deserved more than a damn couch. He didn’t dare wake her and wasn’t sure if he could move her easily.
Archie transferred just fine. Did he take after his mother?
Nolan stepped closer to Izzy, hoping his movements would startle her and he could send her to his room. No such luck. She remained asleep, a gentle rise and fall of her chest, and he had to resist the urge to brush her hair off her face.
A truth grew within him. He’d been a dead man walking the moment he laid eyes on her. The fact the attraction held, still drew him closer, meant Archie was inevitable
, their union inevitable. Their job meant they had to stay apart, and he wondered if that would be a good thing in the end, fewer chances of them crashing and burning and making tending to Archie more of a challenge. For now, he’d care for both of them the best he could.
Nolan slipped a hand under Izzy’s knees, then another under her neck, and lifted her into his arms. She snuggled in, much like her son, and remained asleep. He took a moment, relishing her closeness, then stopped himself before she woke while he stood there cradling her like an idiot. With careful steps he carried her into his room and settled her on the bed. She curled up on her side but didn’t wake.
Good.
Except he had her above the covers, and dressed in her clothes, and he didn’t dare attempt any other moves. Regardless of the kid in the adjacent room, he had no right to touch her further or change her outfit. He pulled the comforter up from the opposite side and draped it across her, before grabbing sweatpants and a T-shirt and backing out of the room, doing his best not to think about the beauty with wavy brown hair spread over his pillow.
Once changed, he checked on mother and son, both still fast asleep. Nolan lingered at Archie’s door, following the slow rise and fall of the baby’s chest. That urge to capture the moment refueled, and he pulled out his phone, tapped the flash off, and snapped a picture. He cringed, panic rising when the phone somehow still flashed and a yellow light shone on Archie before the picture took. Shit. Nolan held his breath, watching the baby, and even though he stirred he didn’t wake up. Afraid of making any further foolish mistakes, he backed out of the room. A drawing would have been smarter, but he didn’t know how long he could stay there without disturbing the baby. Izzy still slept, unaware of his accidental attempt at waking the kid.
Then he settled onto the couch, with a spare blanket, and stared at his ceiling. He had a lot of new responsibilities and emotions to sort through, but thoughts of Archie and Izzy lulled him to sleep before he could figure out a damn thing.
…
Izzy woke to confusion. The usual sleep-deprived state wrapped her like a cocoon, making everything fuzzy, the baby’s cries the only sure thing. She tried to move, to get out of bed and grab Archie, but her legs met blanket and the usual way out of her bed wasn’t the usual.
Izzy sat up, awake now, registering the strange room she’d slept in. Nolan’s. No sign of the man himself, as the uncovered sheets next to her lay vacant. Which meant he brought her here and let her be. After untangling her legs, she peeked into the hall as Archie’s wails went from “I’m hungry” to “You better feed me now!” Nolan slept on the couch, blissfully unaware. That’s what she got for having a kid with a Deaf guy. She’d already heard Gaby complain about how Levi was the only one sleeping through the night.
In the spare room, Archie clung to the side of the crib. Izzy picked him up and lifted her shirt as she sat, unclipping her nursing bra. Archie latched on with that single-minded precision of his. Izzy leaned back, blinking the room into focus, when all she wanted to do was nod off while the baby nursed.
She took in the space, the simple long desk with a computer screen and a few other items she couldn’t register in the dark. The size of the room itself wasn’t bad, remove the furniture and there’d be plenty of room for—
She cut off her train of thought. Wrong direction, Izzy. After this week she’d go back to staying with her sister and figuring out some long-term plan for getting out on her own. Maybe with a little child support she’d manage that sooner rather than later.
However, the notion of going back to being on her own didn’t sit well. Something about this new arrangement felt right. Even if Nolan had no clue she’d been woken by crying, they were still a family. Dysfunctional and barely held together, but a family. Hers consisted of her sister, her mother, and her late father, as well as her mom’s Italian greyhound, her aunt, and other extended family members. It was big and wonderful and full of overbearing love, but ever since Archie’s birth, she’d been aware of how one-sided it was. A birth united two sides of a family tree, and until now she hadn’t known where to find the other side.
All this reminded her that she knew nothing about the rest of Nolan’s tree. One day she would. For Archie.
The baby finished and she fixed her shirt, then pulled out the diaper bag and did a quick diaper change. After she settled Archie back to sleep, she got into pajamas and ventured into the living room.
Nolan remained asleep. He had one arm above his head, a position she’d seen Archie in many times. A tiny laugh worked up inside her. Like father like son. The urge to curl up next to him grew, and she had to shake it away. Loneliness, that’s all it was, all it could be at the moment. The thought made her sad, but she needed this job, and she suspected he felt the same way. As her first post-college job, she’d do well not to lose it by lusting after her supervisor, baby daddy or no baby daddy.
Izzy returned to Nolan’s room and climbed under his blankets. Turned out, it was the next best thing to snuggling with the man himself.
Chapter Ten
Nolan stood by his coffeemaker Monday morning, wishing the slow drip of coffee would hurry the hell up. Not because he was short on time, not exactly, but his entire morning routine had been destroyed, and he needed caffeine to handle it all. His usual morning involved exercise, then taking a shower, and grabbing a quick breakfast on the way to work. This all became impossible, because he didn’t dare do a relaxed morning while Izzy bustled around getting herself and Archie ready.
For a tiny human, he created a lot more work.
So Nolan stood, gaining his bearings, as Izzy held Archie on her hip and pulled out a small yogurt container. He figured that would be her breakfast, but then she set Archie into his chair and began spooning the food into his eager mouth.
Nolan got his coffee, added a splash of cream, and sipped, trying like hell to wake up. Two sips later he realized Izzy’s hair hung in damp strands around her face, her body wrapped in a pink robe, and a scent of some flowery body wash competing with the smell of coffee.
She’d showered already. Which meant he had less competition for the bathroom. But that brought thoughts of her naked, under the running water, and he grew impossibly hard. And now when he did shower, all he’d be able to think of was the woman who’d been in there and had left some of her scent behind.
Mind out of the gutter, Holtzman. He needed to put these erotic thoughts on pause, or disable the program altogether, otherwise he’d make a fool of himself right there in his kitchen. He focused on Izzy’s face, and some of his lust Control-Alt-Deleted away. With her face free of makeup, the dark circles under her eyes appeared more prominent. He had the urge to walk over and run his thumb along the deep coloring, as though that simple action would do a damn thing. Concern replaced his previously scheduled program, only he hadn’t a clue which actions he needed to make a difference. At a loss, he held up a fresh coffee pod. “Want?”
Izzy’s eyes lit up, as though he offered a secret game bonus round equivalent, and not a measly little hit of caffeine. “Please.”
He plucked out the used pod and popped in a fresh one, pressing the buttons to brew. Izzy’s tiredness lingered in a thick fog around her, accentuated by a yawn, and it kicked him square in the gut. He should have done something to be more involved and prevent that yawn. That urge, that need, wanted to consume him, but he hadn’t the foggiest idea how or what he might do. He’d created this mess. And he felt utterly helpless.
He got some cream at Izzy’s request, then found some sugar and placed the steaming mug in front of her. She sipped one-handed, the other still feeding Archie, multitasking in the way of mothers everywhere. Nolan would have spilled one, or both, and probably got a few burns in the process.
Clueless on how to help, he needed to get his own ass ready for the day. “I’m going to shower and then I can help until we’re ready to drive over.”
Izzy shook
her head, and put down her mug. “I’m fine. And we should drive separately.”
“Why?” They were going to the same damn place.
She leveled him with a stare and put down the yogurt, much to a banging Archie’s protests. “Does work know we have a kid together?”
Nolan shifted on his bare feet. Shook his head.
“That’s why. We’re new. I don’t want to lose my job. I suspect you feel the same.”
“Right.” Why hadn’t he thought of that? Because his routine was off and Izzy’s bathrobe had parted, giving him a glimpse of cleavage he desperately wanted to explore. Nolan backed out, unsure why the whole conversation felt…off. The need to change things stirred deep inside. He didn’t want to hide, but he also needed to make sure he took care of Izzy.
With the water streaming down his back and the coffee finally doing its magic in his system, a horrible realization hit Nolan: he’d never talked with Deanna about his involvement in Archie’s care. Izzy had discussed her part, and Izzy watching her son made sense. But Nolan, he had no reason to be helping out, not to the extent he planned, and that stung. With the damn no-dating policy he couldn’t risk the ramifications of revealing his paternity. The thought stung, but he squashed it. He’d fix it, somehow.
He finished showering, then helped Izzy with a few small things before heading into work. Alone. Once there, he chased down Deanna and caught up with her in the small kitchen, watching the coffee brew. “I was looking for you,” he signed after he caught her attention.
She held a finger to her mouth. “Not before coffee.”
“You can have some at home.” Would taste better, too.
She smiled as she filled a blue mug. “I like my sleep too much.” A white packet of sugar later, she took a sip and faced him. “What’s up?”
Nolan’s hands froze and fumbled over what to say. Simple, start simple. And vague. He shook them out and pushed forward. “You know Izzy has childcare issues this week. I’ve offered to help. Just a heads-up there will be a baby in my office for the week.”
