by Ellie Wade
It’s impossible to be around Liam and not fall for him. He’s perfect for me in every way. He knows me better than anyone else. He’s the only person in the world who gets me. And that’s why we can’t be friends. When I became a teenager and the hormones kicked in, everything changed. The second I saw Liam differently, the second I felt my stomach do excited flips at his presence, the very second I saw his lips as something I wanted, I knew that I couldn’t have him in my life.
Liam Moore isn’t someone I can casually be friends with. He isn’t someone I can have a fling with. Liam is someone I would love forever. He’s someone who would make me want to stay, and that’s why he’s more dangerous than anything my parents could throw my way. He’s the person who could keep me here, in this life that’s killing me. I would love him as I faded, but I’d fade away just the same.
seventeen
Leni
I lie, sprawled out on the couch, a plate of deliciousness in my lap. “Mimi, you’re an enabler,” I say through a mouthful of freshly baked bread and jam.
Mimi chuckles from her rocking chair, holding a mug of tea.
“Seriously, stop making me feel better for being a horrible human being.” I take another bite of bread. A glob of butter falls onto my shirt. “Crap.” I sit up, bring my shirt to my mouth, and lick it off.
“You should go put that in the washer. Butter will leave a grease stain,” Mimi tells me.
“Good. It’s what I deserve. You know what? You’re right; I’m my own worst enemy. I don’t know why I do what I do. I’m mean. I push people away. Why do I do that?” I beg Mimi for answers.
“Are you ready to tell me what happened?” Mimi asks, her voice soothing.
“He kissed me.” I shrug. “Then, he told me that he’s always loved me, so I said something that I knew would hurt his feelings, and then I walked away. Why do I do that? Why do I say things to hurt him when he’s always been so nice to me? It’s just like when I was sixteen.” I shake my head, thinking back to the cruel words I said to him then.
“Did you want him to kiss you?” she asks.
“Yes,” I admit. “But I don’t want him to love me.”
She scoffs. “Well, my dear, sometimes, you don’t have control over that. What’s wrong with him loving you? You’re worthy of love.”
“No, I’m not. Not his. I’m going to hurt him and leave him. He doesn’t deserve that—again.”
“Why do you say that? How do you know you’ll do those things?”
I sigh. “Because it’s what I do, Mimi. I alienate myself from people. I’m not going to stay here. I can’t live in Texas! What if I fall for him, and then I’m stuck here forever? I will have ruined my life. I’m an artist. I’m not meant to be here. I have to stay focused on my goals, my dreams. I can’t settle. I won’t change who I am for love. And you know what? Liam is the type of guy who will make me want to. So, why would I allow something to happen when I know how it will end? I’m trying to be the good guy here, but I know he only sees me as the bad one.”
“Let me tell you a story,” Mimi says. “Once, there was a little princess whose energy was so bright that it lit up the room when she entered. She was smart and funny. She was artistic and brave. She loved with her whole heart, and she wore her emotions on her sleeve. This sweet girl lived with her parents, the king and queen. Her parents possessed none of the same qualities. They were cold and selfish. They valued things like power and money over family and happiness. They tried to change the free-spirited princess. But she refused to let them dull her sparkle. Yet, over time, the king and queen pushed the princess down so much that she had a hard time getting up. But she did … time and time again. Yet, each time she rose from the insults, she would put another layer of protection over her heart, and in doing so, she started to drive away the ones who loved her.”
Mimi stops to take a sip of her tea. Unwanted tears fall from my eyes, and my lip trembles.
Mimi continues, “She vowed to herself that she would never be like her parents. She set goals for her life, and the second she could break free, she did. Except, now, she kept her bright energy buried. She guarded her heart and withheld her love. Because, though the princess was strong, she was scared. She’d been let down by those who were supposed to love her the most. She didn’t realize it, but she was pushing away those who could love her in the future, out of fear of the past and getting hurt again.
“But what the princess needs to understand is that people like her parents are not the norm, and by guarding her heart, she’s forever condemning herself to a life of loneliness. Sure, she might get hurt in the future, but if she doesn’t try, she’ll never be set free. She’ll never be truly happy.”
Mimi sets her tea down on the end table beside her and rises from her rocker. She comes over to me and sits beside me, wrapping her loving arms around my shoulders. I lean into her and cry.
“I don’t want to be stuck here,” I say with a sniffle.
“Leni girl, Texas isn’t the enemy. A place doesn’t make or break your happiness; the people you surround yourself with do. You’re already an artist regardless of where you call home. I know you’re trying to get away from everything associated with your parents, but, honey, you’re only hurting yourself.”
“I’m really messed up, aren’t I?”
“No, you’re not. You’ve created a life you thought you needed to in order to distance yourself from your parents, but, my girl, you’re nothing like them.” Mimi sadly shakes her head. “I wish I could’ve done more. Know that I tried. I begged to keep you full-time, but they wouldn’t have it. I was lucky to get you for the summers.”
“The only reason you got summers was probably because they were so annoyed with me. I didn’t make it easy on them throughout the school year.” I can’t help but smile.
“You were and are a tenacious little thing.” She wipes some of my tear-soaked hair off my face. “I admire that about you. So much.” Mimi looks me in the eyes. “Leni, you are no longer a little girl without options. You’re a grown woman. Your parents no longer have any control over you. So, stop giving it to them. Make your own decisions. Be the person you’re meant to be. Live a good life.”
“So, you think I should give Liam a chance?” I ask.
“I think you should listen to your heart. Don’t let fear control your decisions, but instead, let hope guide them. I don’t know if Liam is the one for you, sweetie, and you won’t either unless you try. I do know that boy has a heart of gold, and he has adored you since the two of you were young. He’s something special, and whether it’s you or someone else … he’s going to make some lady really happy someday.” She smiles warmly.
“Yeah, he’s definitely one of the good ones,” I agree. “He’s really nothing like my father, is he?”
Mimi actually snorts, and it causes me to laugh along with her. “Absolutely not! Is that what you’re worried about? That you’ll end up with someone like your dad?”
I nod my head because, deep down, I think that’s my biggest fear. I saw what love for my father turned my mother into, and I vowed early on that I would never love someone the way my mother loved my father. I would never lose myself like that.
“Leni, you grew up with a horrible example of what love is. I wish you had been older when your pops passed. He was a good man, and we loved each other as much as two people could. It was beautiful. I want that for you.” She grins at me before pulling me into a hug.
I hug her tight because I don’t know where I’d be today without her. I only got her in the summers, but it was enough to keep me sane. It was enough to keep me fighting.
“I love you so much,” I tell her. I realize I probably don’t tell her that enough.
“And I love you more than anything, my Leni girl. You’re going to be okay.”
I take off my butter-stained shirt and wash my face. After running a brush through my hair, I throw it up into a ponytail.
I have to go find Liam and apologize. I’ve hur
t him too much in the past. It’s time to grow the hell up and make it right. The talk with Mimi just now really resonated with me. She’s totally right; I’m an adult. I get to choose how I’m going to live my life, and there’s no way I’m going to let my parents’ darkness control my decisions anymore.
I find Liam out in the barn, fussing over a baby calf.
“Oh my goodness. She’s so adorable,” I say, causing Liam to turn around.
He smiles weakly. “She sure is,” he says before turning away.
“Um, listen, Liam … I was wondering if I could talk to you.” I don’t miss the way his back rises and falls in response to my words.
He wipes his hands on his jeans. “Leni, it’s fine. You made yourself clear. It won’t happen again. Let’s move on. I can’t do this with you again.”
I know he’s referring to everything I put him through when we were teenagers. Guilt fills my chest.
I pull in a deep breath, and I continue, “I want to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry … for everything. I had no right to treat you as my punching bag when we were younger. I had no right to say what I did back in the office.”
He turns to face me and scoffs, “Well, at least you’re honest. Right?”
“But that’s the thing. I’m not, and I haven’t been honest with you or anyone else for a long time. I’ve just been … lost, I guess. I truly don’t want what I said in your office. I said it to push you away.” I chuckle dryly. “I suppose I’ve said a lot of things over the years to push you away.”
He pins me with his stare, and in it, I see hope.
“What are you saying, Len?”
I let out a loud breath. “I’m saying, I’m sorry.”
“And?” he questions.
“I didn’t mean any of the words I said to you—earlier in your office or in the past.”
“So, you didn’t kiss me just because you were horny?”
He raises an eyebrow, and, damn it, even when he smirks, he’s sexy.
“Ugh,” I groan, my cheeks heating with embarrassment. “No, that wasn’t why. I’m sorry.”
“I accept your apology, and thank you. It means a lot.” He smiles, the sadness from just moments ago absent from his gaze. “So, friends?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think I want that,” I say softly.
He exhales and lets his head fall back. He looks up toward the ceiling, his body rigid.
“Or I guess I should say that I don’t think I want just that.”
He lowers his head and squints in question.
I step toward him, closing the space between us. “Of course I want to be friends. Despite everything, you’re the truest friend I’ve ever had. But you were right back there. I did feel it. That kiss was the most beautiful kiss I’ve ever had. It made me feel things that I didn’t know I could.”
He steps in closer, putting his hands around my waist. His fingers press into my skin, causing all sorts of emotions to course through me.
“And?” he questions, lowering his face until it’s a whisper away from mine.
I swallow. “And I want to do it again.”
I don’t have to ask twice. The second the words leave my mouth, Liam’s hands cradle my face as his lips press against mine. The kiss is everything that it was before, except, now, it’s even more incredible somehow. This time, I asked for it, and I finally realize how much I truly want Liam, how I’ve always wanted him.
Liam picks me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist. He pushes my back up against the coarse wooden wall of the barn as his lips continue their unbelievable assault.
As our kiss continues, I allow my guard to fall, releasing all the pent-up rage that’s been simmering beneath the surface for so long.
I just feel.
I take Liam in—his scent, his sounds, and the way his tongue continues to caress my own, as if kissing me is its sole purpose. Most importantly, I stop denying my heart, and I let it fill up with everything that is Liam. For the first time, I allow it to love who it wants, who it’s always wanted.
My body shakes with desire. Liam’s kisses leave my mouth and continue their mind-blowing worship against the skin of my neck. I vaguely register the sound of my moans into the open space, but they don’t make me feel uncomfortable. If anything, the unrestrained noises of pleasure cause me to need Liam even more.
“I want you,” I pant as Liam’s hand moves up my chest and under my bra. “God, I want you. Please, Liam,” I say on an exhale, moving my body in a rhythmic motion against his.
The pleasure is astonishing. I can’t wait to get our clothes off.
Liam stops kissing me and pulls his hand from beneath my shirt. He presses the palms of his hands against my cheeks. His warm exhale blows across my skin as he leans his forehead against mine.
“Leni.” His voice is rough with need.
“Liam.” His name leaves my lips with palpable want.
“We need to stop.” His words bring me back to myself.
“What? Why? No.” I shake my head.
I don’t want to stop. I want to keep going and then go some more. I want Liam in every way I can get him, and I want him now.
He leans back and lightly kisses me where his forehead was just resting against mine. “I just got you. I’m not going to spook you and risk losing you.”
“I won’t get spooked,” I protest, dropping my legs to the ground.
“I know,” he agrees with a smirk. “Because we’re not going to rush into anything that will scare you away.”
“I promise,” I almost whine. “Come on. I swear. I’ll sign something.” I feverishly look around, as if looking for a nonexistent contract. “Pinkie promise! Liam!” I say frantically.
He shakes his head with a grin and steps away from me. I follow him as he makes his way toward the stable with the newly born calf.
“Do you find this amusing?”
“A little.”
“You’re not playing fair. You can’t kiss me like that and pull away like it has no effect on you.”
“Leni, baby, everything about you turns me on. But I have lots of practice at pretending like it doesn’t.”
I cross my arms over my chest and throw my face into a dramatic pout. “I’m not very happy with you.”
Liam pulls my face into a kiss. It’s short and sweet, but it’s everything.
“We’re taking it slow,” he tells me when he steps away. “Come help me with the calf.”
We put new straw into the stall and get the new mama and her baby all set up for the night. I stick my index finger toward the cute little thing, and she starts to suck my finger. It tickles, and I giggle just like I did when I was young. Liam laughs beside me. I pull my finger from the baby’s mouth and wipe the dripping saliva that lingers on Liam’s shirt.
“Nice. Thanks for that.” He chuckles.
“You’re welcome,” I tease. “Do you want to have dinner with Mimi and me?”
“Sure. I’ll wash up and change my clothes first.”
“Can I name her?” I nod toward the calf.
“Yeah, of course … if you want. Do you have a name in mind?”
“I think I want to call her Hope,” I answer.
Liam nods. “I like that. Hope it is.”
I leave Liam in the barn to shower for dinner, and I head back up to the house. I stop in the yard and take in my surroundings. It really is so beautiful here. The chatter and chirps of the resident bugs and birds have started now that dusk is drawing near. The sky is colorful, and the air is warm against my skin.
It’s hard to believe the gamut of emotions that I encountered just today, but they were all long overdue. I feel lighter.
Happier.
I’m not certain of the future Liam and I will have, but I’m really excited to find out. Hope has pushed out the fear in my heart, and I feel good.
Really.
Really.
Good.
eighteen
Liam
My foo
t hits Leni’s from under the kitchen table. She looks up to me with a mouth full of mashed potatoes and grins as she taps my foot back.
“Everything is delicious, Mary,” my dad says to Mrs. Turner.
“Yes, just wonderful,” my mom says.
“Thank you. My pleasure.” Mrs. Turner places butter on her roll, a content smile across her face.
“So, Leni, I just love the painting of this farm that you did for Liam. It’s stunning. Would you be willing to do one of our farm? I’d love to hang it over the mantel,” my mom says to Leni.
“Of course. I’d love to. Any excuse to paint,” Leni answers.
“We would pay you, of course. Just let me know how much,” my mom says.
“Oh, no.” Leni waves her hand through the air. “No payment is necessary. It’s good practice, and I love doing it.”
These dinners with my parents at Mrs. Turner’s house are becoming a regular thing, and it’s great. Mrs. Turner loves cooking for others, and my parents love family dinners. My mom used to host Sunday dinner with all of my aunts and uncles, but many of them have moved away, and I know she misses it.
Unlike Leni’s parents who only ever wanted one child, my mom wanted a whole house full of kids. Unfortunately, after I was born, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had a hysterectomy shortly thereafter. She’s never been one to complain, but I can see the joy in her face when she hosts our extended family. It’s the same expression she’s wearing now.
Leni takes a big bite of her dinner roll, and when she pulls the roll away, there’s a dab of butter on her nose. I let out a quiet laugh and shake my head.
“What?” Leni questions.
I point to my nose, and Leni lifts her finger to hers, feeling the butter on her skin.
“Oops.” She giggles and grabs her napkin.
“Saving it for later?” I smirk.
“Maybe I was. You never know when you’ll need some butter.” She narrows her eyes in my direction in mock annoyance.
