Dante vs the Internet

by H. L. Holston

  “Go on,” she said.

  “Dante and I are fucking,” Chris blurted out before Dante could continue.

  Katie and Dante’s heads whipped around at the same time to stare at Chris, who looked ready to puke. Obviously, the pressure gotten to him. While Chris didn’t mind lying to the public, those corn-fed, middle American values he’d been raised with prior to moving to Hollywood, he rejected lying to friends. Dante could see that he was about to crack, and quickly moved in to take control of the situation.

  Dante grinned widely at Katie. “What Chris was trying to tell you, in his own unique way,” he stroked his right hand up and down Chris’ side in what he hoped looked like a loving gesture, “is that we’re dating.”

  “Each other? Sure.” Her tone suggested utter disbelief. Damn the woman. She could smell a pile of shit a mile away.

  Her brown eyes bore into them. “Since when?” She glanced pointedly at the other man, obviously the weak link in this little drama.

  He could see Chris open his mouth to answer, but at Katie’s intense gaze, he shut it and muttered, “Fuck this, I gotta pee.”

  They both watched him stalk away, each enjoying the view, but as soon as Chris was out of earshot, Katie let him have it.

  “Dante Moretti, what the fuck is going on? I don’t for one minute believe Chris and you are dating.”

  “And why not?”

  “For one thing, he’s got better taste!” She shot back.

  He stood over Katie, hands on his hips and protested, “Hey, hey, I’m a catch!”

  “A reason to catch an STD maybe; but, as a long-term romantic interest? Dante, what were you thinking! Chris doesn’t deserve the kind of drama and hurt you’re going to bring to his life when this comes out.” Katie’s voice was uncompromising, yet oddly gentle.

  Great, Dante thought. If Katie, our dear friend and colleague, thinks I’m a walking disease factory and bad boyfriend material for Chris, how in the hell am I ever going to get casting agents to take me seriously?

  Time for an Oscar winning performance that would change Katie’s mind.

  “Katie,” put his hand on her shoulder in a soothing gesture. The woman had always loved a good massage and Dante wasn’t above using whatever means necessary to make sure this conversation went his way.

  However, Katie wouldn’t have any of it! She pushed his hand away and poked her finger in his chest. “Good try, Romeo; I know all your tricks. In fact, I taught you some of them.”

  Tossing her hair across her shoulders in a move Dante knew was designed to make any male within a three feet distance swoon, Katie placed her hands on her hips and met his gaze straight on. “Forget the subterfuge and tell me what the hell is going on.”

  Katie’s intense stare and ‘don’t-bullshit me’ expression made even Dante pause for a moment. Yeah, she was that good. Instead, he pushed down his internal debate that demanded he spill the entire scam to Katie when he saw Chris walking towards them. If this situation had been just about his career, then he would have told Katie everything and let the chips fall where they may. But now that he’d gotten Chris involved, he couldn’t betray his friend. If anyone deserved to be a movie star, it was Chris Parker. Dante’s poor decision-making skills and stupid ideas weren’t going to ruin that for him.

  So, he lied to Katie.

  Putting on his biggest, brightest you-can-trust-me smile he’d ever faked. “I know this is a surprise. Believe me, I was surprised when Chris showed an interest in dating me.” Dante hung his head in shame. “We all know my track record.”

  “Your track record is the least of Chris’ worries,” Katie stated. “The press is going to go apeshit when this gets out-”

  Dante interrupted, “They kind of already know.” He explained the three tabloid articles about them and the dog.

  Instead of blowing up like he’d expected over the articles online, Katie sounded excited. “No, this is great, Dante. No one is going to believe those rags. You have time to issue a denial and not drag Chris into this mess. I mean everyone knows Chris and you are friends, so you being out and about together is a plausible story.”

  Obviously, Katie had missed her calling; she should have been a publicist, as she continued to give suggestions on how Chris and he could put their affair “back in the closet” before it destroyed Chris’ reputation.

  He was about to disagree with her latest point when Chris did it for him. “Since when are you against gay couples expressing affection in public?”

  “I’m not, unless it has the potential to wreck their careers,” she retorted without a beat.

  Chris fired back. “I seem to recall you doing the NOH8 campaign when Prop 8 went down a few years back. Hypocritical much, Katie?”

  That had the reaction Dante thought it would. Katie, lifelong liberal Canadian exploded. Dante stepped back, glancing around to see if the customers were paying attention.

  They were.

  At least thirty pairs of eager eyes stared starstruck at the three of them as they stood in line. They were obviously Space Pirates fans, judging from the amount of memorabilia most of them held.

  No, this was not what Dante needed. He could see the headline now: “Dante Moretti Involved in Public Brawl in Front of Fans.” His dream of a nice, supportive ‘coming out’ wrecked. What they had here was a bad episode of Jerry Springer. All they needed were strippers and a pole and his humiliation would be complete.

  Why had he ever thought this plan would work?

  “I can’t believe you would suggest I’m homophobic, Chris. After all the work I’ve done for the LGBTQ community.”

  “Well, I can’t believe you’re bashing Dante and trying to force him back in the closet,” his fake-boyfriend snapped. “Maybe we should call the NOH8 people and tell them to take your picture off their website because you have one set of standards for gay people you don’t know, and another for the ones you supposedly call friends.”

  It all went downhill quickly from there.

  He’d never seen Chris and Katie go at it like this before. Sure, they had bickered on set, but this was a war of words. If Dante had one ounce of bisexuality in his bones, he would have been cheering for them to make out after they stopped arguing. They were that hot together. He began to see the appeal of their coupling from the show now. No wonder their fans had cried when Katie’s character had died in Chris’ arms after being shot by the villain of the week.

  He had to stop this now. At least half the crowd had out their cell phones and were filming Chris and Katie’s argument. Going from experience, Dante knew the clips would be up on YouTube, Instagram and Snapchat within minutes. He had damage control to do.

  Dante pushed himself between his two former co-stars and shouted, “Enough!”

  That got everyone’s attention. Chris looked at him in confusion. Katie, well, she looked impressed he’d intervened.

  He grabbed Chris’ hand tightly, glanced to the other man for permission, and when Chris nodded, Dante said in a deliberately loud voice, strong enough to reach the line of fans on Hollywood Boulevard.

  “I’m sorry we sprung this on you here and not in private beforehand. But I’m not going to apologize for dating Chris.” He paused dramatically, and forty fannish faces pressed in closer to listen. “Not when I feel like the luckiest son-of-a-bitch on the planet that he even agreed to go out with me. He’s everything I ever wanted in a partner, and I refuse to hide the fact we’re a couple.”

  Staring deeply and what he hoped was adoringly into Chris’ face, he said, “I love him and I’m keeping him for as long as he’ll have me!”

  Dead silence fell over the room. They were well and truly out of the closest now. Katie’s expression softened a bit from her previous stance, but Dante could tell from the fire still in her eyes, they’d have more explaining to do after the autograph signing.

  While she still appeared doubtful, the crowd around them erupted into chaos. More phones came out and their fans’ commentary started: />
  “How long have Chris and you been dating?”

  “I thought Chris was straight?”

  Finally, one triumphant voice exclaimed, “I knew they were fucking! I knew it.”

  That comment started a loud back and forth in which some fans debated whether Dante could maintain a long-term relationship, and others contradicted those pessimists by reminding them that Dante had declared his undying love to Chris a few moments ago.

  He could see that most people seemed happy for them, if all the clapping and high fiving was an indication. Apparently, their love was epic, or some shit, and Dante could feel the tide turning in their favor.

  Ouch! He was brought back to the present when he felt Chris crush his fingers in a bone-numbing hold. Dante opened his mouth to complain, wanting to tell Chris to stop hurting him and instead bask in the glory that was their gay fake love affair, when he saw Chris’ face.

  If the other man had seemed alarmed when he’d “come out” to Katie, his expression now was one of pure terror. Just glancing at him, Dante could see the makings of a panic attack. Yep. Pinched nostrils, shallow breathing and a pale complexion. Classic signs.

  Damn it, they should have done a rehearsal before their Big Reveal. Drastic measures were required before Chris passed out and ruined everything.

  Ignoring the throng of voices around him, Dante gathered Chris to his side and tightened his protective grip on his hand, pulling him away from Katie and the crowd, despite multiple protests. He turned to his friend and asked, “Where’s the bathroom?”

  Chris pointed to the back of the store and Dante dragged him in that direction. When they finally reached the men’s room, Dante pushed Chris inside, then locked the door behind them. Before Chris could say anything, he directed the other man to a stall and ordered, “Sit down.”

  He sat down without objection, which let Dante know Chris was freaking out.

  “I wish I had a paper bag on me, but I didn’t know we’d need it. So, breathing exercises it is!”

  Crouching down in front of his friend, Dante loosely clutched both of Chris’ hands in his and chanted, “Breathe in. Breathe out.” When Chris did nothing, Dante leaned forward and said, “Work with me here, Christopher. Come on.”

  Chris nodded. He took a deep breath, then another until he was breathing almost evenly.

  “That’s it. Breathe in, breathe out.” Dante continued the encouragement. A few more chants and Dante could tell from Chris’ complexion -- which returned to its naturally sun-kissed tone -- the breathing exercises worked.

  “Inhale. Exhale.” He paused. “We are one with the universe. Om.”

  Chris raised his chin with a cool stare in Dante’s direction. The man hated yoga chants. He said that yoga was for aging Dead Heads and hipster wannabes. He refused to go back to Dante’s favorite studio after a brief, less than successful visit.

  “That’s right. Lokah samastha sukhino bhavanthu.” May this world be established with a sense of well-being and happiness.

  That got him a mean glare and a raised eyebrow.

  “Inhale. Exhale. Dante Moretti is the most awesome fake boyfriend ever! Om.”

  Finally, a grin overtook Chris’ features and his breathing went back to normal. He straightened, stood up and sighed loudly. “More like the shittiest boyfriend ever.”

  Crisis averted. For now.

  Dante rose from his squatting position and said, “Excuse me, I beg to differ. If anyone asks, I am the best boyfriend ever. I bring you breakfast in bed, rub your feet, take the trash out and give the most awesome blowjobs in the history of the universe!”

  “Are you high?” Chris chuckled with a dry and cynical sound. “Ha! Since when has the take-out king ever cooked?”

  Dante gave a put-upon sigh, “How quickly they forget.” He insisted, “I made you a mouth-watering lunch just the other day.”

  Blue eyes widened in disbelief. “You opened a can of tuna and slapped it on a moldy piece of bread, and you call that ‘mouth-watering?’” Chris shot him a withering glance.

  “That’s your opinion. But I think my fans would disagree. Maybe I should ask them when we go back outside,” Dante said with a smirk.

  “Your fans. No, our fans will totally take my side when I tell them how I’ve had to suffer through your snoring and stinky feet,” Chris countered.

  Chris Parker, smartass extraordinaire had returned. Well, two could play this game.

  Dante grabbed Chris’ hand, pulled it passionately to his lips and kissed it. “Like having to live with your obsessive-compulsive cleaning habits isn’t a chore?”

  They smiled at one another and Dante’s pulse quickened. Being so close, he could smell the intoxicating musk of Chris’ body. Was that Calvin Klein cologne? Whatever it was, the scent made Dante want to take a nice long lick up Chris’ jaw and end with the two of them making out.

  Where had that thought come from? It was like the kitchen incident all over again. Suddenly, all the air went out of Dante’s lungs and he stared at Chris’ lips.

  Those plush, ripe, and as he knew, entirely kissable lips. Maybe just a taste… he leaned in.

  Someone banged on the bathroom door. Dante dropped Chris’ hand and backed away, reacting like he’d been caught once again canoodling with his best friend from middle school.

  “Mr. Moretti. Mr. Parker. Are you alright?” A male voice asked.

  They exchanged a subtle look of annoyance. Time to get back to the real world. Or at least the pretend world of Dante and Chris, friends turned lovers.

  “Our concerned public awaits,” Chris said.

  “You okay to go out there?” Dante inquired. “We can cancel this if you’re still freaked out.”

  “I’m fine. The show must go on and all that.”

  More banging. This time the voice was insistent, “Mr. Moretti!”

  The amusement died in Chris’ eyes and Dante regarded him. He’d never seen Chris this nervous. The man had been a professional actor since he was a child, so Dante wasn’t sure why Chris was reacting this way.

  “We’re coming. Give us a moment!” Dante kept his eyes firmly on Chris’ face. “You don’t look okay, Christopher. In fact, you look like you’re going to puke.”

  He flicked his wrist as if brushing aside Dante’s worries. “Stage fright, that’s all. I’ll be fine once we get out there. I’m an actor,” Chris drew the word out. Then, he reached out and wiggled his fingers, gesturing for Dante to take his hand, again.

  Chris’ fingers were cool and smooth as they touched his as they laced them together. Chris grinned and said, “Let’s go. We’ve got fans to impress, casting directors to scam.”

  Apparently, their plan was back on.

  “Remember, if anyone asks, I’m awesome in bed. The best you’ve ever had!” Dante joked, trying to keep the mood light, pushing down the warning voice whispering inside of his head that screamed this was a very bad idea and abort mission!

  Chris couldn’t resist one more dig as Dante unlocked the door. “This is why our relationship is never going to last. It’s always about you, you, you.”

  “Fuck you,” Dante said as he led Chris out of the bathroom to meet the glaring eyes of the store’s manager.

  “Later, lover boy. We wouldn’t want to shock our fans,” Chris retorted.

  Dante raised an eyebrow. “Shock them? I bet you ten bucks one of them asks you if you prefer topping or bottoming!”

  Chris’ answering smile held a spark of eroticism, and Dante cringed. He knew that look and it meant trouble. “I’m a top, of course. The Captain of the ship is always in charge.”

  “Oh. My. God. You wish.” Dante grinned mischievously.

  “Game on, Mr. Moretti?”

  “Game on, Mr. Parker!”

  The store manager just looked at them like they were lunatics who’d just escaped from an asylum.

  Chapter Eight

  Maybe the men with the butterfly nets were needed, after all. At the table next to him, Chris loo
ked like he was having the time of his life, while Dante was stuck in hell. If one more ‘fan’ asked him how he’d convinced Chris to date him, he’d scream. Like it was a hardship Chris had to endure.

  Dante Moretti was a catch if he did say so himself. He was relatively young, good-looking, not as handsome as Chris, but then who was? Plus, he owned his own home and car. Yes, that home was mortgaged to the hilt, but in California who didn’t have an astronomical monthly house payment? Chris should be so lucky to date him.

  Undiluted laughter echoed from Chris’ table. Glancing over, Dante saw a group of women crowding around Chris, making him the meat in their little sandwich, as someone took a picture with their cell phone. Dante thought he might be going blind from the amount of bright, white smiling teeth and boobage he’d been exposed to in the last hour. While Chris had always been polite to their fans, he’d held back just a little, causing some of them to call his former co-star “aloof.”

  Not today. Chris was on fire with friendliness. By the end of the autograph session, Dante was sure there would be a ‘Chris Parker is Awesome’ Tumblr gif post, perhaps even a hashtag.

  Whatever stage fright Chris had experienced earlier was gone, or Chris was a better actor than Dante had thought. Even Katie threw him What-The-Fuck expressions in between charming her adoring -- mostly male -- fans.

  As Dante signed another head shot of himself, he contemplated his fucked-up life.

  People were supposed to be buzzing about him! Where was the trending hashtag on Twitter that said: #DanteMorettiIsAwesome?

  No, in scrolling through his feed all he saw was #ChrisParkerComesOut,

  #ChrisParkerGay, #ChrisParkerIsHotAF and his personal favorite: #ChrisParkerBottomOrTop?

  TMZ had posted two articles in the ninety minutes since their announcement about Chris’ bisexual turnabout, detailing his dating life prior to Dante. Their conclusion? Someone as gorgeous as Chris shouldn’t be dating a train wreck like Dante. Their suggestion of eligible boyfriends they’d like to see Chris with: Luke Evans, Cheyenne Jackson and Wentworth Miller.

  Last he’d heard, Cheyenne was married. What was Dante chopped liver?