by L A Cotton
“What do you think has been your recipe for success?” Because where a lot of marriages ended in heartache, my parents had weathered the storm.
“Hmm, let’s see. Communication, never going to sleep on an argument, and routine.”
“Routine?” I squeaked. “Jesus, Mom, you make it sound so romantic.”
“Baby, your father is about as romantic as that wooden spoon.” She flicked her head to the utensil rack. “But he’s always been there for me, and that’s what really matters. I’d rather have a lifetime of your father than a few months of fire and passion.”
I found it a little sad that she didn’t think you could have both. But who was I to judge? They were happy enough and one hundred percent committed to each other and our family.
“Favorite senior year memory?”
“That one’s easy.” She smiled wistfully. “Prom. It was magical. Just how the movies portray it. Your father bought me a beautiful corsage and drove us to the school gym in his rusty old Buick. We coordinated our outfits and danced the night away with our friends. It was perfect.”
“I bet there was a rockin’ after party?”
Mom laughed softly. “There was none of that back in my day.” I didn’t believe that for a second which could only mean one thing: my parents weren’t invited, or more likely, they refused to go.
“Felicity, is everything okay?” Mom switched direction. “You seem distracted lately and I’m not going to lie, baby, it’s worrying me.”
“I’m fine, Mom.” Except I can’t stop thinking about a guy. A guy I know will break my heart if I give him even half a chance.
“Don’t drop the ball now, okay?” Her expression softened. “A lot of people think once college applications are done, senior year is a chance to let your hair down. But it’s a chance to start thinking about the future, about the kind of person you want to become.”
“Got it, Mom, hair down, future.” Her words left a bitter taste in my mouth.
“You’ve been such a good girl, Felicity. Now Hailee has a boyfriend, I worry you might lose focus. The football team are a bad influence. Athletes get so much handed to them for free but real life isn’t like that.”
“Cameron is a good guy.”
“I’m sure he is, baby.” She gave me a dubious smile. “But you want more out of life than to end up as some trophy girlfriend, don’t you?”
“Whoa, slow down.” My hands went up, my eyes wide. “We’re talking about Hailee and Cameron, not me.”
Mom came over and brushed my bangs from my face. “You’re beautiful, Felicity. Inside and out, and boys will notice that. I only hope that when they do, you choose wisely.”
“Mom, I’m a teenager. We’re supposed to screw up and get it wrong occasionally.” I laughed but it came out all strangled.
“We’re Giles’, sweetie. You know what that means.” The urge to roll my eyes was strong but I remained expressionless as she said, “Planned, prepared, and punctual. That’s all you need in life.”
“Sure thing, Mom. I’m going to head upstairs and do my homework. Get a head start.”
Her face lit up. “That’s my girl. I’ll shout you when dinner is ready.”
With a small nod, I left Mom with her plans and headed for the sanctuary of my bedroom. Inside, I kicked off my shoes, grabbed the folded scrap of paper from my bag, and dropped down on the bed. My list was a mess. Nothing planned or prepared about it. But I couldn’t deny that despite my mom’s unintentional warning, Mya’s additions made my pulse race.
1. Take up a new hobby Explore alternate career paths
2. Cut class
3. Attend a pep rally - DONE
4. Skinny dip down at the lake Get a tattoo
5. Fall asleep under the stars
6. Go to a party at Asher Bennet’s house Crash a party in style
7. Drink (actual liquor) at Bell’s – OVERDONE
8. Go to Winter Formal… with a date (not a girlfriend)
9. Hook up with a random guy First time do over
10. Fall in crazy messy love (with someone NOT JF)
11. Do not fraternize with the football team!!!
Snatching my cell off the nightstand, I found her number.
Me: So my new list...
Mya: Don’t tell me you’ve already changed your mind?
Me: No, no, it’s just my mom, she’s big on being planned and prepared...
Mya: Good thing your mom isn’t the one with the list then ;)
Me: Ha-ha! Am I silly? Is this whole thing stupid?
Mya: You’re scared?
Me: My parents have my whole life mapped out for me. What if I do the list and realize their life isn’t the one I want?
Mya: I think that’s okay. Wanting to make our parents happy is perfectly normal, but not at the expense of our own hopes and dreams.
I mulled over Mya’s words, but another text came through before I could type a reply.
Mya: Did you figure out what you’re going to do yet?
Me: No…
Mya: Okay, when you were little, what did you want to be?
Me: What does this have to do with my list?
My cell started blaring, Mya’s name flashing across the screen. “Hello?” I said.
“It might seem dumb, but just hear me out, okay?”
“Fine,” I grumbled. “I’ve always loved animals, but my parents never let me get a cat or dog. They were worried about allergies and safety and all that stuff. One summer, I found a stray dog. Scrawny undernourished little thing, but it had the cutest face and I wanted it to be mine so bad. I lured it into our garden shed, gave it some blankets and food.”
“What happened?”
Sadness washed over me. “Mom found out and made me take it to the local pound. I cried for a week.” A tiny part of me was still bitter about it all these years later.
“Dogs, really? I had you down as more of a girl scout.”
“Nope. I always wanted to be veterinary doctor.”
“So start there...”
“Start where exactly?” She was making no sense.
“You’re not sure you want to follow in your parents’ footsteps, right? So you need to figure out your own path.”
“I guess.” A heavy weight settled on my chest. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She chuckled softly. “Is that your way of telling me I overstepped?
“Not at all. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Thank you.”
“Hey, what are friends for, right? I’ll see you tomorrow.”
We hung up and I stared up at the ceiling, replaying the conversation.
I’d always been the good girl. Agreeable and passive, all too willing to go along with my parents hopes and dreams for me because it was what was expected. But if senior year so far had shown me anything so far, it was that some things in life required you to take a risk. They required you to let go of all your insecurities and doubts and take a leap of faith. Maybe they would work out and maybe they wouldn’t, but at least you would know you tried.
I wanted that.
I wanted to take risks and throw caution to the wind.
I wanted to go after what I wanted. Have fun discovering a new path, one I carved for myself.
I wanted to fall head over heels in love despite everyone warning me it would only end in heartache.
God, did I want that.
But could I really do that with Jason, knowing it would never mean the same to him as it would for me?
My cell bleeped, another incoming text. I opened it eagerly expecting some more advice from Mya, but Jason’s name stared back at me.
Jason: What are you doing right now?
After typing and deleting at least three replies, I went with the truth.
Me: Lying on my bed about to start some homework.
Jason: You’re killing me, Giles. Come meet me... or better yet, I could come to you. I remember your bed... it’s comfy.
I fought a grin. To my complete surpri
se, Jason was turning out to be very persistent.
Me: No and no. I need to get this done and my mom is home.
Jason: Mom’s love me.
My chest squeezed at his playful words. Damn him for doing this to me, offering me glimpses of the guy I knew was hiding beneath his cool, indifferent exterior. Glimpses of a guy I knew would never surface permanently.
Me: I’m not sure my mom would.
Jason: She’s not a fan? I’m wounded.
Me: Like you don’t have enough middle-aged women fawning over you.
Jason: But I don’t want them...
My heart fluttered at his words. At everything he wasn’t saying.
Me: Goodbye, Jason. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.
Jason: You know I didn’t get to where I am without a fuck load of persistence and focus... When I want something, I go after it.
I didn’t text back. I didn’t know what to say. But proving himself true, another text came through.
Jason: We both know you’re going to end up under me again, Giles. Why not save us both the heartache and give in?
Me: And for a second there, you actually had me fooled. Goodbye, Jason.
He didn’t reply but it didn’t matter. The damage was already done. He’d gone and pushed the right button to piss me the hell off. But he’d also made a huge dent in my armor, and I knew if he kept it up, I wouldn’t be able to resist for much longer.
Even more alarming, I really didn’t want to.
Jason
Smirking to myself, I hit send on my latest text to Felicity.
Me: Skinny dipping in the lake?
Felicity: Are you serious? Do you know what kind of things lurk in there?
Me: I can think of a few...
I smiled, my eyes darting around the cafeteria to make sure nobody was paying me any attention.
Felicity: Behave!!!
Me: Come on, Giles, say yes. Let’s cut class and live on the wild side...
Felicity: I have study hall.
Me: Study hall? It’s senior year...
Felicity: We don’t all have a free pass to do whatever the hell we want. Unlike some people…
Me: Think of your list!
Felicity: Goodbye, Jason.
Damn, she was really playing hard to get. I thought I almost had her the other day, but then right at the last minute, she’d pulled the rug out from under me. I wasn’t used to working so hard for a girl. But Felicity wasn’t just any girl. A fact I could finally admit to myself without breaking out in a cold sweat.
I risked peeking over at where she, Hailee, and Mya sat at their usual table. “Looking for me?” Jenna’s hand slid over my eyes, her lips grazing my cheek. I peeled her fingers away and glanced up at her.
“What the fuck was that?”
She reeled back, indignation flaring in her eyes. “What, I can’t say hello now?” Flicking her silky blonde hair over one shoulder, she sat down next to me.
“That wasn’t hello; that was you marking your territory.”
“Don’t be such a drama queen. It was one little kiss; we’ve done much more than that in public before.”
My spine snapped straight, the knot in my stomach tightening as I glanced over at Felicity. She was busy talking to Hailee, not paying me any attention. But if she looked over here...
Why does it matter? It’s not like you’re hers or anything.
“Jason?” Jenna’s hand grasped my knee. “I said where did you get to Saturday at the party? I looked for you.”
Forcing myself to look at her and not at Felicity, I said, “I had shit to take care of.”
Her expression hardened. “Shit to take care of? That’s all I’m getting?” She was drawing attention now; my teammates pretending not to listen as they ate their lunch and talked among themselves.
“Careful,” I ground out. “You’re starting to sound like a girlfriend and we both know I don’t do girlfriends.”
Her hands slid up my chest as she leaned in, giving me a perfect view of her rack. “You keep saying that, and yet, you keep coming around for seconds and thirds and fourths…” She licked her lips in what I assumed was an attempt at seduction. But all it did was make me bristle.
“I come around because you’re good for it. Nothing more, nothing less.” I pulled Jenna’s hands free of my chest and shoved them back at her.
Someone snorted. Everyone watching to see what I would do next. Everyone including Felicity. Her gaze burned into me, forcing me to look at her. There was so much in her eyes, I didn’t know which emotion to pluck out first.
But Jenna shrieked, “You’re such a self-absorbed asshole, Jason. One of these days you’ll come around and I’ll tell you no.” She sounded genuinely hurt as she fled from our table.
“There goes gym pussy for the foreseeable,” someone groaned. But I didn’t give a fuck. I only had eyes for the girl glaring at me like I’d just called her out in front of the entire cafeteria.
My cell vibrated and I pulled it out.
Felicity: What the hell was that?
Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about...
My eyes lifted to hers again as I fought a grin.
Felicity: Jenna seemed upset.
Me: Don’t know. Don’t care.
Felicity: What do you care about, Jason?
You. I care what you think. But I couldn’t type the words. Not here, not now.
Maybe not ever.
“Someone interesting?” Asher called across the table.
“Nah, just my old man.”
“Right.” He saw right through my ruse. “I’ll catch you later.”
I watched through narrowed eyes as he rose from his chair and made his way over to Felicity and the girls. Without asking for permission, he dropped into the seat beside her and slung his arm over her shoulder. Challenge danced in his eyes as he glared at me across the room.
Motherfucker.
I loved Asher like a brother, but he was pushing this thing with Felicity too far.
“What’s up with that?” Grady nudged my ribs. “You think he’s banging her?” He flicked his head over to where Asher was holding court with Felicity.
“How the fuck should I know?” I growled.
“Whoa, dude, no need to get pissy with me. I figured if anyone knew the deal with them two, it’d be you. Although I can’t see it myself. She’s so fucking weird. Has stage five clinger written all over her.”
“Grady?”
“Yeah, Cap?”
“Shut the fuck up.”
He ducked his head, forking a mouthful of salad into his mouth. The guy had no fucking filter.
Asher caught my eye again, a smirk tugging at his lips. Without another word, I jerked away from the table and stood up. “I’m out,” I said.
“See you at practice?” Grady asked, and I nodded.
As I stalked out of the cafeteria, I sent Felicity another message.
Me: Do you want him?
Felicity: Excuse me?
Me: Don’t play dumb, Giles. Do. You. Want.
Him?
Felicity: Careful, Jason. You sound awfully
jealous for someone who doesn’t care...
My jaw clenched, anger radiating through me. She knew exactly which strings to pluck to get a reaction. But jealous?
I didn’t get jealous.
I was Jason fucking Ford.
But as I moved down the hall, kids diving out of the way to make room for me, all I could picture was Felicity smiling up at Asher, his arm hung over her shoulder. And I wanted to kill something.
“Run it again,” Coach yelled from the sideline. There wasn’t a muscle in my body that didn’t ache, but I welcomed the burn. The burn numbed everything else. Tamped down all the unfamiliar emotions that had taken root in my chest, snaking through me like slow acting poison.
“If I didn’t know better,” Asher taunted from the scrimmage line. “I’d say you had a bad case of blue balls.”
“Fuck off, B
ennet,” I snapped, getting ready to call the play.
“I’m just saying, you don’t seem yourself.”
“Ash,” Cam warned from his wide position.
“Chill, he knows I’m only yanking his chain.” He flashed me a smug grin.
I called the play and barked, “Hut,” as I received the ball and dropped back to make the pass to Cam.
“Nice,” Coach boomed. “Keep playing like this and we won’t have anything to worry about Friday. Everyone hit the showers, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Yanking off my helmet, I tucked it under my arm and started toward the locker room.
“Hey,” Ash jogged up beside me, “Serious talk. You okay? I was only—”
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“I’m not doing anything.”
“Don’t give me that bull.” My eyes slid to his, narrowing. “You’re pushing me. Why?”
“I’m not...” He pressed his lips together, mulling over his reply. “Fine. I don’t get it, okay? You like her. I know you do. And for some bizarre reason, she likes you too.”
“And?”
“You’re too fucking stubborn to do anything about it.”
“Maybe I don’t want to do anything about it.” The lie soured on my tongue. I wanted to do something about it all right, but I knew I shouldn’t.
