by Carter Ashby
He went around to the front of the main house. He had a key, in the likely event the door was locked, so he was unsnagging his keychain from his pocket as he climbed the porch steps.
“Son.”
Logan leapt back and nearly fell down the steps. “Jesus, Mom!”
She sat in a rocker, wrapped in a blanket, holding a steaming mug of herbal tea in her hands. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“What the hell are you doing up so early? It’s freezing. Let’s get you inside.”
“Sit. Please.” She gestured to the other rocker that was angled toward hers.
He pocketed his keys and did as she asked. It wasn’t really freezing, but it was cool enough to be uncomfortable. “I was just out for a morning walk,” he lied.
“Not a very long walk from the guest house.”
He leaned back in his rocker. “I was just checking the locks. To make sure everyone’s safe. What with Nate running off and all.”
“Why are you lying?” she said with a grin that surprised him.
“Same reason everyone lies to their moms… Don’t want you to be mad at me.”
“Hmm. Well, I’m not mad at you. Maggie’s already been approved by me and the rest of the family. A little strange thinking of her as a daughter-in-law twice over, though. Not an ordinary situation, by any means. But it does sort of make sense.”
“I doubt she’ll be looking to marry me. I think she’s just enjoying the company, at the moment.”
“Will you be looking to marry her?”
He looked out at the edge of the sky where the sun would be coming up soon. At the pink hues gradually expanding outward. Last night with Maggie—well, he could get used to that, for sure. And yesterday at the house had certainly been more fun than he could ever remember having.
But marry her? What did he have to offer her? Wouldn’t she be better off with a man like David, a self-made man with plenty of resources, a good reputation in the community? “I don’t know,” he said in answer. “Not sure we’re a hundred percent on the same page.”
“Because you’re leaving?”
He turned back to her. “I’m not leaving, Ma. I’m here for you.”
“And after I’m gone? Will you stay for Maggie?”
“We haven’t had those kinds of conversations.”
Eleanor nodded and sipped her tea. “I hope you will, soon.”
Logan’s heart rate went up at the thought of it. It would be exciting to be a part of Maggie’s little family. To join them and become a husband. A father. Exciting…or scary? Or both?
“I want to apologize to you, Son,” Eleanor said, jarring him from his thoughts.
He angled toward her. “For what? I’m the one that should be apologizing. I’m sorry for taking off yesterday without seeing you, first.”
“I don’t mind about that. But I need you to listen to what I have to say.”
“Sure, Ma. You sure you’re warm enough?”
“Stop fussing. I’m fine. For me to apologize, I first need to explain what I did wrong. What I did to you. Because I’m not sure if you even blame me. And you should.”
“I don’t even know what you’re referring to. You’ve never done anything for me to be angry about.”
“I married Frank.”
That silenced him. He sat back and went calm on the inside. The sound of Frank’s name did that. It shut him down. Closed off any open emotional pipelines. “You’re apologizing for marrying Frank,” he repeated, just to be clear.
“Frank and I were high school sweethearts. But I didn’t stay true to him. Your father…he had a motorcycle. A charming smile. I fell for him and I…I got pregnant with you. Your father agreed to marry me, and that was that, as far as I was concerned.
“I had you, Logan, and it was the happiest day of my life. To this day, giving birth to you—it transformed me and blessed me with so much joy and love. I loved you so much. Such a sweet, tiny thing you were. A quiet baby, too. Didn’t fuss about much of anything. I held you all the time. People told me I should put you down, leave you be—but I wouldn’t do it. I just wanted to carry you around everywhere.
“Your father, well, there’s nothing to tell about him that you don’t already know. You probably have memories that would break my heart.
“I can tell you that for me—I lived in terror. I was afraid. I despaired of ever feeling safe again. Your father was so volatile and unpredictable, I never knew if he was going to hug me or hit me.
“And then the night came when you called the police, and Frank came to the rescue. Even as early as that night, I remember seeing him look at you with contempt. Talk to you with hate in his words. I understand why he hated you—that he saw you as the reason he and I were kept apart. But it didn’t matter why. There is no acceptable reason for an adult to treat a child with hate and contempt.
“The way he treated you…” She paused, squeezed her lips together, shook her head. Tears pooled in her eyes.
“I need you to tell me something,” she said, turning to face him. “I need to know. Did he ever hit you? Lay hands on you?”
Logan looked away. “Why do you need to know that? Frank’s actions don’t have anything to do with you.”
“Did he?”
Logan inhaled through his nose and exhaled through his mouth slowly. He didn’t care to do deep dives into his memories. He’d gone to some counseling, tried to deal with his past as best he could, but he didn’t like revisiting it. “My old man was way worse,” Logan said and hated the change in the sound of his voice. A moment ago he’d sounded to himself like a capable adult, looking after his sick mother. Now, he sounded like a bitter teenager.
“Did Frank hit you?”
Logan felt a rush of pain clawing at the inside of his throat. Tears stung his eyes. “I don’t know… I never thought of it like that.”
“What did he do?”
Logan remembered the “woodshed” moments. He’d heard plenty of people joke about how when they were kids, their dads would cut a “switch” and take them behind the woodshed. Frank used his belt. And it was sometimes behind the woodshed, sometimes out at the barn, sometimes in his own room in the attic. Always out of earshot of anyone else in the family. “He didn’t just beat on me for no reason, Ma. Usually it was because I’d done something to deserve it.”
“Frank never laid a hand on my other children,” she said. “He and I agreed from the start we wouldn’t use corporal punishment. He was the one who led the conversation. So you’re saying that behind my back, he punished you? How?”
“Just the belt, Ma. Fairly standard practice. Probably how his old man raised him… Can we not get into this?”
“The belt. What else?”
He let out a bitter laugh and dropped his head back on his chair. “Don’t do this.”
“I need to know.”
“Why?” he snapped. “Why the hell do you need to know?”
“Because I need to know how much I have to answer for, Logan. I want to know what you suffered. What I refused to see.”
“Really? You really want to know, now?”
“Yes. I want to know everything.”
“Everything? Fine!” If that’s what she wanted, then fine. “First day of school, you had to work, he walked me to school and I was scared and started crying, but he kept walking. I fell and he dragged me until my knees were bleeding.
“When Spencer was born, I snuck into the nursery to look at him—because Frank had told me to keep away—and Frank caught me, slammed me against the wall with his hand around my throat and threatened to kill me if I ever laid another hand on the kid. Want me to keep going?”
Eleanor had tears pouring down her cheeks as she nodded.
“He beat me with that goddamn belt every chance he could make up. If the belt wasn’t handy, he used his hands, and I gotta tell you, I think he liked it, because he’d start out just beating my ass, but he’d get carried away and sometimes hit me in the ribs or stomach. Never in t
he face, since he knew I wouldn’t rat him out.
“But listen, I don’t want you to worry about that shit, because as soon as I got big enough to hit back, we had us an understanding and he laid off. No, you don’t worry about the hitting because that wasn’t nothing compared to the shit he said to me. How often he told me things about my old man—about how he was demon-possessed and so was I. About how I wasn’t good enough to live in the same house as you all, but he just let me out of the goodness of his heart. About how I was the worst thing that ever happened to you.
“So if you wanna worry about something, worry about that. Because those words are what I’ve been working my whole life to sort through. You want me to marry Maggie? I’m trying really hard to get a real life view of myself and whether I’m even worthy of her. Because if even a small part of what Frank said to me is true, I should get out of here before I ruin her life.
“That’s my problem, right there. I’m probably a perfectly normal, decent man, but how can I know that for sure when I got all that hate from Frank woven into my entire being? And you—you chose him, didn’t you? So he must be good and I must be—”
He froze. He stopped talking right then. Because right then he realized what it was his mother wanted to apologize for.
She smiled sadly through her tears. “Go on,” she said.
“No. No, I’m done.”
“You need to keep going.”
He shook his head.
She sighed. “You were going to say that he must be good and you must be bad. Because I chose him. Over you. Instead of you.”
“I’m sure it didn’t look that way to you at the time,” he said, hoping to ease her guilt.
“It did. I saw what he was doing to you. How he was keeping you on the outside. But I felt safe with him. I knew you didn’t, but I did, and I justified it by telling myself that at least Frank was better for you than your father. I said to myself, ‘At least Frank doesn’t hit him.’ And I stayed with him. And I made you stay with him.”
Logan leaned forward and dug his palms into his eyes. “I don’t want to do this.”
“I need us too.”
“Well, okay, then. Whatever you need, right?” Shit. This was the last thing he wanted.
“Yes. Whatever I need. I needed Frank, so I chose him instead of you.”
“Yep. That’s how it went down.”
“Did I do the right thing?”
“Shit, I don’t know.”
“Tell me.”
“Mom, come on.”
“Tell me.”
He dropped his hands and glared at her. “No. You didn’t do the right thing. You had a kid and you were his whole world.”
“I was your whole world.”
“Yeah, Ma. You were my whole…my whole…” He shook his head and fought back the tears. “How the fuck could you do that to me? How could you let him come between you and me and then pretend like you didn’t know what he was doing to me? What he was saying? I would never do that to my kid. Not ever. You could have stood up for me. You could have not married him in the first place and been a single mom. I would have helped. I’d have done anything for you.” He buried his face in his hands to hide the fact that he was crying his eyes out. Had he ever cried like this? Not that he could remember.
“Logan,” she said softly.
His muscles tensed everywhere. “What was wrong with me that I wasn’t enough for you?”
“Oh, Logan.”
A wave of rage flooded him. He stood and kicked the chair out of the way and paced to the other side of the deck. He wanted to hit something. Needed to. He turned back to her. “You should have put me in a sack and drowned me, just like Frank said, you know that? If you didn’t fucking want me, why didn’t you just get rid of me? I have fucked up so many relationships and ruined so many lives just by existing—why put me through that, huh? Why not just…just…”
He couldn’t look at her. She was sobbing. He made his way back to his chair, sat, and leaned toward her. “Is this the conversation you wanted? Because I didn’t want to do this. Now…now what the hell do we do with this, huh?”
She sobbed into her blanket for a long moment. Then, she took in a breath and reached for him, touching his face. “I want you to look at me and really hear me. Are you ready?”
He glared into her eyes, frustrated and angry and heartbroken.
“Logan, what happened was not your fault.”
His face went hot. More tears welled up. He shook his head.
“It wasn’t your fault. That’s the first thing. Do you believe me?”
He shook his head. “No,” he said, his voice cracking. He hung his head as a sob escaped his chest.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
He sobbed and dropped his head into his hands again. There was no point in trying to hold back the tears, now. He’d already embarrassed himself, he may as well let them loose. So he did. He cried into his hands until he started feeling a little bit better.
“Are you ready for the second thing?” Eleanor asked.
Logan inhaled and sat up straight. He dragged his wrist over his eyes and squared his shoulders. “Sure.”
She looked at him through tears. “I am so, so sorry.”
Another tightening of the chest. Not a flood of tears, this time, but a trickle. “I never held it against you, Mom.”
“I know. But you’d have had a right to. I need you to know how sorry I am. My biggest regret is your upbringing.”
He sucked in a shaky breath. Looked out over the treelike and the sun brightening as it lifted above the horizon. “It had plenty of good moments,” he said.
“Did it?”
“Sure. Christmas mornings. Pancakes. Fishing with Joshy. Teaching all three of them how to drive. I had good times.”
“I’m glad to hear it. I’m glad it wasn’t all bad.”
He shook his head and looked at her. “You were a good mom. Did the best you could.”
“Oh, Logan,” she said with tears spilling down her cheeks. “Can you ever forgive me?”
“That’s not difficult. I forgive you,” he said.
Every muscle in her body relaxed. She reached for him. They embraced. “I love you, Logan. Sweet boy. My baby.”
“I love you, too, Ma.”
They sat on the front porch for a long while after that. Just rocking in the chairs and watching the sun rise. Logan moved his chair close to hers and held her hand.
“How’s your father?” she eventually asked.
“Same as always,” Logan said. “Tried to have this particular conversation with him. No way he’s got the guts to be this honest.”
“I’m dying. I couldn’t carry that regret with me. Maybe I should. I deserve to. But I wanted you to know.”
He gave her hand a squeeze. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Not today. Not with her. Let her conscience be clear. They’d unearthed something that might have slowly poisoned him for the rest of his life. Now, thanks to her, it was out and in full view of the light. He could deal with it. Maybe counseling. Maybe church. Maybe just some long walks in the woods. No matter how…he would heal from this.
“Will you stay here?” She asked.
“Yeah, Ma. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’ve had talks with Frank.”
“How did those go?”
“He was very quiet. He’ll stay out of the way. But I wish he would fix this. I would like to believe that my little family will remain together after I’m gone.”
“We will,” he said. “This is my family. I won’t run away anymore.”
It was her turn to give his hand a squeeze.
In the distance, a car started up. A moment later, Maggie drove up the driveway from the guest house that merged into the main driveway. She stopped and rolled down her window. “You helping me with the house today?” she asked.
“Is that what we’re calling it?” he shot back.
“Funny. You’re a funny guy. Shall I come b
ack and pick you up?”
“I’m gonna have breakfast with Mom. I’ll meet you over there in a while.”
She blew him a kiss and drove away.
Eleanor was smiling.
Logan tried to ignore it. “Are you hungry? I can make something.”
“I suppose I could eat,” she said.
He stood and helped her out of her chair.
Inside, she sat at the bar while he fried up some sausage and eggs and toasted a couple of bagels. He slid her plate across to her, then pulled a bar stool to his side of the counter so they could sit across from each other and visit.
Frank came in smiling. His smile vanished when he met Logan’s eye.
Moments like this were going to be the true test of Logan’s resolve to remain a part of the family no matter what. Frank would inevitably try to separate him from the family so he could have one of his talks. He would talk about the welfare to the family and how Logan was a threat to it. He would do it calmly and with the air of a doctor diagnosing cancer. Then, Logan would start questioning himself and wondering whether Frank was actually right about him.
Not this time. Not anymore.
“You two look cozy,” Frank said as he poured himself a cup of coffee and joined Eleanor at her side of the bar.
“We’re having a lovely morning,” Eleanor said.
“Good. What would you like to do, today, my dear?”
“I’ve been up awhile. Got some fresh air. I’m a little tired, to tell the truth. I thought I might lie down and watch a movie.”
“Living room or bedroom?”
“Living room.”
“I’ll bring in the blankets. Logan, maybe once your Ma is settled, we could have us a chat outside.”
Logan opened his mouth to answer, but Eleanor spoke up. “You can talk to him, now. He’s headed to Maggie’s to help with the house, soon.”
“Okay,” Frank said with a frown. “Didn’t want to leave you eating breakfast alone.”
“You won’t. Because you can talk to him right here.”
Frank cleared his throat. “Ellie, I don’t know if you’re gonna like what I have to say.”
