When Reuben first left -- after I'd taken everything off the stove -- I stood there just fuming, waiting for it to be cool enough so I could toss it all. I banged the pan so hard against the edge of the trash can that the plastic cracked, and I did dishes in the pettiest, most aggressive way possible.
I was angry at him for just leaving; for being so upset over something and not talking to me about it. For assuming I would ever want to manipulate him the way the other men in his life clearly had. I wasn't like them. I would never hurt him.
But I had, and I'd done so while knowing on some level that what I was doing was wrong. There was no justification for it, beyond the fact that I'd been desperate for him to want me as more than a fuck buddy. I'd been desperate for him to love me.
Now he felt betrayed, and rightfully so. As much as I wanted to grovel, to beg him to give me another chance, I knew I'd be wary in his position too. That was why it didn't surprise me when I didn't hear from him through most of the next week.
The game Reuben was running was on Saturday, the same as David's birthday. He'd felt more confident with DMing, but not enough to where I thought he wouldn't want more practice. I thought I'd at least get a text or two asking for pointers, or for me to look over something he'd done. Even if he didn't want to come over, I thought he'd ask for my advice.
He didn't. The only reason I knew he was still okay was because he was still posting on Instagram, though less frequently. And always with an obviously fake smile.
I knew I was moping. Keith and Tina knew it, too. They dragged me out on Wednesday, going so far as to take me to the questionable Chinese buffet I liked so much. I barely touched anything, just pushing my plate aside to work on grading the papers I'd brought with me.
"Okay, this is clearly an emergency," Tina said. "You're grading papers to avoid talking about Reuben."
"I'm just behind," I deflected. "I spent the last couple weeks helping him get ready for David's birthday and I haven't had a chance to catch up on grading."
"Uh huh." Keith reached over and rather than take my pen like I thought he was going to, he just placed a hand over it and mine. "We're worried about you, Elliot. If you don't want to talk, that's fine, but you were up in the stratosphere until this week. So what the hell happened?"
"A stupid, careless decision probably cost me my boyfriend."
They shared a look as I grappled with whether or not I actually wanted to explain. Telling Tina all of this wasn't a problem, but Keith could be... insensitive at best. Whether he intended to be or not.
I wasn't ready to hear him tell me there were "plenty of dicks in the sea" or something similar.
In the end, though, I decided to just tell them. I brought it back to first contacting Formerly Lonely Guy, then how I'd realized I didn't want to be someone else, followed by me apparently deciding I wanted Reuben to be someone else instead. I felt sick as I said it, the smell of the fried Chinese food making my stomach turn.
"Oh, Elliot. That's..." Tina began.
She didn't finish, but I knew the gist of what she was going to say. All I could do was nod. Grateful on one hand that I could recognize where I'd gone wrong but feeling physically gutted every time I thought about it.
Keith was surprisingly quiet. He looked uncomfortable; ready to make up some excuse like he did with the guys who insisted on more involved dates before hooking up. I expected him to leave and, honestly, I wouldn't have been bothered by it. Better that than some vapid words of encouragement.
"Jesus, I gave you the worst advice," he murmured, looking like he really was about to be sick. "This is my fault."
I blinked at him, exchanging a glance with Tina. Her eyes were wide and she shrugged.
"I'm an adult, Keith. I could have made a different choice. It's not your fault I decided to go through with it, even with knowing it was wrong."
"Maybe, but I never should have given you the advice to begin with. It was bullshit." He met my gaze, affirming his sincerity. "I'm sorry, man."
For a long moment, I was too shocked to say anything. Keith had never been a bad guy, exactly, but he was definitely more on the selfish and self-absorbed side. He rarely seemed to think about the consequences of his actions, even when he was confronted with them.
To get an apology was a big enough thing. To know he meant it was mind-boggling to me.
"I appreciate that," I finally said, unsure what else I even could say.
Tina seemed to be at just as much of a loss, because when she finally spoke, it was to bring things back to me and Reuben.
"He probably just needs time and space. You'll see him Friday and Saturday, right?"
"He might just drop David off Friday. But yeah, he'll be there Saturday."
"Maybe you can talk then," she said, a hopeful note to her voice. "And even if it doesn't work out... all of this is a good sign, Elliot. It means you're ready to give someone your heart again."
She was right. I thought I'd never be ready for that after Barb's death. It didn't make everything hurt any less, but it did give me some perspective.
So did the thought of seeing Reuben again on Saturday. Some part of me wanted to fixate on it as a chance for us to talk, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't corner him. It was David's day, but it was also Reuben's chance to show his sister he was willing to do whatever it took for their nephew.
No matter what else happened, I needed to support him in that.
26
Reuben
It wasn't the smartest decision to avoid Elliot when what I really needed was his advice and more practice, but I knew if I started talking to him about the session I was running, I'd talk to him about us, too. I wasn't ready for that conversation yet. I hadn't even examined how I felt about us. My attention was squarely focused on David and doing everything in my power to convince Ruth he needed to stay with me.
By the time Saturday rolled around, I couldn't think of anything else. I'd even stayed away Friday night just for the sake of not letting anything else cloud what I needed to do, so when I showed up to Horizon after taking David out for his birthday dinner, I did so with blinders on.
The only thing I was worried about was David having a good time and Ruth showing up, something she didn't seem inclined to do at first. I texted her from the van, not wanting to go in yet even though David had gone ahead. She responded quickly enough, saying she was stuck in traffic and she'd be there as soon as she could.
As much as I loved my sister, my nerves were too shot to fully believe that. Closing the text message, I did my best to ignore it. I couldn't control what she did. The whole purpose of learning to DM was for David's sake. I needed to remember that.
Heading into the building, I put on my forced smile and greeted the other volunteers who were used to seeing me by this point. I greeted the kids who'd come for this session, too, feeling my nerves ratchet up even more.
Then I saw Elliot.
There was nothing that different about him. He looked like he'd managed a sunburn-turned-tan during the intervening week, but other than that he was just as I remembered him. Aside from the sharp guilt I saw in his eyes when they met mine.
I gave him the same smile I'd given everyone else, but I had to retreat far more quickly. Tearing my gaze away from him, I focused on my breathing because I was close to fucking hyperventilating.
"Hey, man, you okay?"
The familiar voice was more confusing than anything at first, but it snapped me out of my state. I turned to see Brendan standing there, dressed in casual clothes. I think it was the first time I'd ever seen him out of the standard blue polo and khakis we both wore at work.
"Yeah, just a little nervous," I managed, finally remembering that I'd invited him to see me make a fool out of myself.
"You'll do great," he said with a warm, genuine smile, reaching out to squeeze my shoulder.
The contact helped, but I couldn't help thinking that the person I really wanted to be my hype man right now was Elliot. He knew how much I'd
struggled with this, how worried I was that I'd just fuck up the whole thing. He knew I could do it, too, because he'd walked me through every step of the process.
But I couldn't seek that support and comfort from Elliot, and it sucked. All I could do was grapple with the sense of longing that ripped through me and start setting up the table with my DM screen, binder of notes, bag of dice, and all the other things I'd prepared for this session.
As I got set up, more people filtered in. I recognized Keith and Tina, Elliot's friends. I had no idea why they were here, but the fact that even they'd come before Ruth just dug all those doubts in deeper.
Finally I saw her, maneuvering her way through a standing room only crowd that had suddenly appeared for some reason. All of them here to watch me fall on my face, apparently. I saw her mouth "sorry" as she moved to take a place where she could see everything.
Without Ruth to be annoyed at or Elliot to be angry with, all I felt was my own nerves and the crushing weight of everything I'd put on this session. The kids were seated around the table, chattering among themselves, picking out their dice. I had to close everything else out and act like I was just running a practice session with Elliot again.
Despite what I probably should have done, I sought him out and found him looking right at me. A small smile curved his lips, a subtle nod tilting his chin as if to say you've got this.
Drawing in a breath, I turned back to address the kids, kicking off the session I'd spent so much time and effort planning.
27
Elliot
Seeing Reuben again made my heart ache in the worst and best ways. It'd only been a week, but my world felt so empty without him in it. I didn't know if I'd be able to handle more of this. Waiting to find out whether there was anything we could salvage was unbearable. I wanted to be able to make amends; to spend as long as it took making it up to him. If that wasn't an option, I needed to know sooner rather than later. I couldn't exist in this space in between.
That was something I planned to talk to him about once his session was over. For now, I had to make sure I was available to support him with anything he needed. Though he hadn't asked me for it, I let him know I was around.
"If you need a ruling on something, I can help," I said before he started, "but trust your instincts. The kids will follow your lead."
"Thanks," he said, seeming distracted.
I tried not to be hurt by the brush off and moved to stand out of the way as people packed into Horizon's main room. We'd been able to secure more space than usual, but there were only so many chairs. When Keith and Tina showed up -- I hadn't officially asked them but did drop a few hints -- I beckoned them to stand near me.
"How's it going?" Keith asked, looking over at the table. "Jesus, that's a lot of kids. Don't you normally have like four or five?"
"Six at the most," I said. "A couple more were interested in trying the game and I mentioned if Reuben was up for it, this session would be a good intro."
He was managing eight players now though, many of whom were from David's group and very particular about the numbers of the game. I knew they'd correct him. Many, many times. I just hoped Reuben could stay patient with all of them and not get flustered. Sometimes it was hard even for me.
"How are you doing?" Tina asked, coming up to give me a one-armed hug from the side.
"Oh, you know. Just having to stand here and watch the person I care about do something that has way more importance than it should, all while grappling with the fact that he may not be my boyfriend anymore."
"So just a normal Saturday," she joked.
I did laugh at that. I had to. Laughter was all I had these days to keep from crying, and I was grateful for Tina. Even for Keith, who seemed to be turning over a new leaf of sorts. I had no idea what happened to him, but I liked this new version. It felt more... authentic.
"Never expected to find a standing room only D&D event," came a voice I didn't recognize.
The man who approached was a little younger than me but well-built. He had kind eyes, but an almost mischievous smile.
"I'm Brendan," he said, extending his hand. "I work with Reuben."
"Oh, yeah, of course!" I shook his hand, his grip firm but not crushing. "He's mentioned you before. I'm Elliot, these are my friends Tina and--"
"Hey Keith," Brendan said. "Long time no see."
I looked at Keith, expecting a quip to come flying from him. Something wildly inappropriate, no doubt, but no quip ever came. Not even a half-hearted one. He was barely able to meet the man's eyes and was so full of nervous energy I thought he was going to vibrate through the floor.
"Hey," was all he managed.
Brendan didn't push it, but Tina and I both looked at Keith, eager to know the details. A bit of the old Keith shone through when he flipped us off in the most theatrical way possible.
Brendan chatted with Tina and I for a bit, all while Keith pretended to be engrossed in the pre-game setup the kids were doing. I was definitely going to have to hound him about this later.
Looking around, though, I didn't see the one person who needed to be here. For the longest time it was just those who'd already assembled, until finally I heard the door swing open again and saw the woman I knew must be Ruth, even if I'd never met her in person. She looked too much like Reuben to be anyone else.
She took up a spot on the other side of the room and Reuben was finally able to get started. I could tell he was nervous. He stumbled over the intro, setting the scene for the dungeon he'd designed. To keep things moving swiftly, I'd suggested he have the kids make characters beforehand, and start with those characters already on the adventure. He'd gladly taken the suggestion, so they launched right into it.
I knew the path of the adventure he'd written well. It was pretty linear, which I told him was perfectly fine for his first game. Having lots of sprawling, branching paths would just make it unmanageable for him, and this particular group of kids was more interested in encounters anyway. The first one here involved a night-time ambush from a group of highwaymen. David's character, a halfling ranger with a boar companion, managed to spot the highwaymen while he was taking watch, so they were able to prepare.
That was when the kids started challenging Reuben's rulings and correcting his numbers, just like I knew they would. None of them were trying to be difficult, it was just how they enjoyed the game. I watched Reuben throughout, and though he was a little flustered at first, he recovered. He listened and searched the guidebook to double check rulings, conceding to his players when it was appropriate to do so, but putting his foot down and holding firm when his decision was more for the flavor of the game.
He was patient, especially with the new players, and he even gently corrected the behavior of one of the more impatient players who tried to rush those with less experience.
As the first hour passed, Reuben grew more and more comfortable. He started to use different voices and accents for the characters, made monster sounds, described combat in a way that was exciting for the players and even those of us just watching. He DM'd with confidence, and I couldn't have been prouder.
But I didn't know if any of this was getting through to Ruth. I turned my gaze to her constantly, pleased to find her attention on Reuben, David, and the game. Occasionally she checked her phone, seeming to grow more and more annoyed each time she did until she just shoved it into her purse and left it there.
Seeing that, I excused myself from my friends and headed over, stopping off at the refreshment table that had been set up to grab a bottle of water.
"Thirsty?" I asked, holding it out to her.
"Oh God, thank you." She took it and immediately opened it, taking a generous swig. "It's so hot in this room, but I didn't know if the drinks were just for the kids."
"Nah, they're for everyone," I said with a smile. "As for the thermostat... tell me about it. The owner keeps it locked to seventy-two year-round. Usually it's not so bad, but your brother drew a big crowd today."
A soft smile touched her lips and she looked at Reuben before her gaze returned to me. "You must be Elliot."
I could only assume she knew my name because of my work with David, so I said, "Yep. Your nephew is a great kid. He's been teaching one of the newer players in his group how to play, and he's gotten a lot more flexible since. I'm really proud of him."
A touch of sadness settled into her expression and she set her water on the windowsill behind her, wrapping her arms about herself.
"You must think I'm a terrible person. Trying to take David across the country. Uprooting everything he knows."
"I think you're a person who's trying to do right by the people she loves," I said softly. "That's not an easy position to be in."
"My husband wants to get him seen by a specialist. He wants David to work with someone to improve his sociability and get him ready for college."
I tried not to bristle at that. David was handling things just fine at his own pace. He didn't need to see someone who was going to push him to be closer to a more societally acceptable "normal."
"What do you want?"
She was silent for a long time. We both watched as Reuben pretended to be a very feisty kobold leading the party to the final encounter: a dragon.
"I want David to be happy. If college is a part of that, great, but I don't want to be the one to define that for him."
Her phone rang. Even muffled by her purse, it was persistent and obnoxious. Ruth reached in and turned it off.
"My husband," was all she said.
Looking at her expression, at how late she was, at the annoyance she'd felt every time she interacted with her phone, I began to piece together what was happening.
"You don't want to move away."
"Marcus has a lot of great qualities. But he's... very traditional. His career comes first, and everyone else has to fit around that." It wasn't bitterness in her voice. Just a quiet resignation.
I didn't know what to say to that, or if it was even appropriate for me to say anything at all. Instead, I remained silent for a long time, before finally doing what I'd come over here to do.
Role Play Page 15
