NEVER BEEN A LOVED ONE
- Sivaranjini
Copyright © 2019 by SIVARANJINI.
All Rights Reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or any other electronic or mechanical methods, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of the author.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
The sudden loss of my dad due to heart attack, completely shattered me. The last suffocation which I saw was haunting me. I wanted something to cling on and luckily, I came across my short story which I wrote 4 years back. So, I started to write a new story pouring out my feelings to keep my mind busy so that it doesn't think about the haunting thing. This story contains the love which I ached for and the process to overcome losing a loved one and being a never been loved one as I am. I wrote this story because I thought in the process of healing others, I can heal myself.
contact :
Instagram: sivaranjini1012
Facebook: Siva Ranjini
Gmail : [email protected]
Dedicated to:
MY FATHER(RAMAMURTHY)
To heal:
YOU
Prologue:
If we are not loved by anyone, it doesn't mean that we will be in the same way forever. One day our life will change, we would be the special person for someone waiting out there, we would be their life, we would be their soul, we would be their breath as we wanted to be, we two halves will become one. But we should move on for that to happen in our life.
Hunting For Love Since Birth
A great hospital in the popular city of Chennai was restless because a great star and political person - Chandra Sekhar’s child was about to arrive in the world. The gynecologist was putting in all her effort into saving both the child and the mother since it was a critical case. Chandra Sekhar had acted in many scenes like this before, but in a real life situation such as this, he felt the intensity behind it. He walked up and down the corridor with mixed feelings in his heart. He remembered meeting his wife for the first time, and their love story flashed across his mind’s eye. All of a sudden, he heard the wailing of a baby. He rushed to the door through which a nurse came out with the baby. He felt adrenalin rush through him and opened his hands towards it. The nurse handed over the baby to him and mumbled, ‘I am sorry.’ Chandra Sekhar froze and almost dropped the baby from his hands. The nurse screamed and caught the baby just in time. Without even bothering to see whether the baby was a boy or a girl, he rushed to his wife, but could only see her taking her last breath. He held her hands growing steadily colder, without knowing what to do. He couldn’t come to accept the truth that he wouldn't be able to hold these hands anymore. He cried and howled helplessly next to her body.
Years passed. Chandra Sekhar avoided seeing his son’s face most times because it flooded him with the memories of his wife and the image of her taking her last breath. Chandra Kanth, his son, grew up surrounded by wealth and pride, but didn’t know what love and care felt like. Chandra Kanth - the name had been selected by his mother before his birth. He resembled his mother a lot in appearance and behavior. Chandra Sekhar never got over that incident and realized that he had only been fooling himself all this time, believing that he had. That day, he decided to have his son start his education abroad. Chandra Kanth was sent to a privileged school abroad. He excelled in academics as his mother. His father used to visit him once a year to pay his fees. Chandra Sekhar had reported to the media that he didn't wish his political life and pride to affect his son’s childhood and education, which had brought on this decision. In the absence of any family, Chandra Sekhar concentrated only on his political career and became a great leader. Meanwhile, Chandra Kanth turned into a young man, as handsome as his father. He was nick named CK by his friends. He was admired by all the girls because of his wealth and pride, but he did not feel attracted to anyone because his search for love and care since his birth hadn’t ended.
His time at college, that had become a home to him, came to an end. He had a lot of friends there, some who stuck around for his wealth, while some for his friendship. At his farewell party, he performed in a skit, at the end of which the crowd screamed with such fervor for his acting talent that it would have been enough to break the auditorium’s ceiling. At that very moment, he decided to take up acting as his career. He made up his mind to not attend interviews, though he knew he was good at academics. He expressed this wish to his father during a rare conversation on the phone with him. Chandra Sekhar had been feeling guilty for not fulfilling his wishes, so he agreed to it and asked him to return to his hometown. For the very first time, CK felt a hint of care in his father’s words. He couldn’t control his happiness. He shouted, “love you, love you.” Tears rolled down from Chandra Sekhar’s eyes upon hearing those words from his son, but the same words reminded him of his wife right after he had proposed to her for marriage, so he cut the phone without any further words. It was usual for CK to expect such behavior from his father, so he didn’t care for it. He hosted a party for his friends to celebrate the decision, and to see them all together one last time.
Homecoming
The next morning, CK took a flight with a trolley bag in his hand and big dreams in his eyes. He was partially expecting his father to come receive him at the airport, but all he found was a man holding his name board. He consoled himself, Be strong, no one cares for you and approached the man with the board. “I am Chandra Kanth,” he said. The man went wild with happiness. He hugged him and kissed him, almost to the point of making CK uncomfortable, but he was soon to realize the source of his love. That man introduced himself as one of the mad followers of his dad. All through their drive to his house, he kept praising his dad. Confused and helpless, CK simply kept nodding his head in politeness. As they neared his ancestral bungalow, he saw a big crowd gathered outside the gate. Their driver stepped out of their Audi and cleared the way. The people who had gathered didn't recognize CK, but as the car went up the driveway and parked in front of the front door, the man who had been accompanying CK asked him to wave to the people. CK didn't question him, but just followed his instruction. The crowd thundered with cheers in response and he could see lightning in their eyes. He felt the super-stardom even before he had started acting.
Hearing the noise, Chandra Sekhar emerged from the house and hugged CK. Holding his son's hand, Chandra Sekhar waved to the crowd as well, only to receive thunder and lightning in response again. Without even looking at his son properly, Chandra Sekhar asked CK to go inside. Only then did CK realize that the hug was only for the crowd's sake. As usual, he consoled himself and held back his tears, saying to himself, Be strong, no one cares for you. Little did he know that this was soon to become his mantra while back in his hometown. He went inside, and the house maid showed him to his room. He laughed inwardly at the irony of him being showed to his own room. As soon as he entered the room, however, he was hit by a strong wave of royalty. He jaw dropped open, for the room was no less than a palace in itself. Realizing his state of surprise, the maid told him that the interiors of his room had specially been redesigned for his homecoming by his father. As usual, he nodded his head, but he felt quite confused this time. On one hand, his father was decorating his room, but on the other hand, he was not ready to even look him in the face. He turned to one corner of his room and found a framed picture of his mother there. It was the same picture which he used to talk to during his school days whenever he missed his mother. Seeing it in this room after so long, his eyes welled up and tears rolled down his cheeks. He felt her absence. Noticing this sentimental moment, the maid
took her leave, asking him to freshen up and go to the dining hall. Only then did CK realize that he was crying. He pretended to be okay and nodded yes.
He entered the bathroom then and saw that it had been re-done luxuriously too. He stepped into the bathtub and let all his tension release into the water. He didn’t feel like climbing out of it, yet his grumbling stomach compelled him to get dressed and move to the dining hall. Every inch of the long dining table was covered in plates of delicious looking food, yet all the chairs were empty. The pain of being alone rang louder in his heart than the grumbling in his stomach. He left the dining hall immediately and returned to his room. Remembering his college days, fighting for a chair in the mess with his friends, he grabbed a juice packet and settled himself on the bed. He thought to himself, The more time I spend in this home…no, this house, the more lonely I will feel. He decided to start working from the very next day.
Just then, CK got a glimpse of someone waiting outside his door. A man stepped forth and introduced himself, “I am your dad’s PA. May I come in?” CK noticed a large cardboard box in his hand with the logo of Domino’s on it. “Of course,” said CK, smiling broadly. The man congratulated him on his homecoming, then handed over the pizza box to him and said, “You will adjust to our food culture in a few days but have this in the meantime” CK was delighted. Chandra Sekhar was peeping in through the window, ensuring that CK had got the pizza since he had refused the food laid out for him in the dining hall.
Before leaving, the PA informed him, “You have an important meeting with a great director tomorrow,” and waited for CK to respond. CK’s eyes widened with surprise and he asked him, “Is it?” “Yes, he is coming with a complete journal of different stories, out of which you will be required to pick one. We are going to produce it. The most interesting part — filming will start by the day after tomorrow.” For the first time, CK felt happy about his homecoming. After having the delicious pizza, he decided to visit a mall and spend some time in a theatre where his film would soon be released. In order to get to know the people of his hometown, he decided to travel by a bus. After confirming the route on google, he boarded an AC bus. The city appeared beautiful to him through the window of the moving bus. CK turn away his gaze after a while to notice his fellow passengers. He saw teenage boys and girls travelling with their parents. It was in severe difference to what he had experienced while studying abroad. Regardless, the sight made him miss his parent’s warmth. Not wanting to get sad on this day, he diverted his attention. Just then, he noticed a beautiful girl with red streaked hair sitting just ahead of him. The seat next to her was vacant, and CK felt bad about choosing the seat he was in. She had a phone in her hand. CK peeped this side and that to see her face but was unsuccessful. Since her seat was a little lower than his, he could read the contents of her texts. Growing curious, he started reading. The girl was discussing her plans for the day, all of which sounded very interesting to CK. Suddenly, a message popped up on the screen: Someone is reading your texts from behind . CK panicked when she saw the girl about to turn towards him, he closed his eyes suddenly pretending to be asleep. Just when he opened them back after some minutes, the girl turned back to look at him. CK didn't know what to do. However, she turned to some guy who was sitting behind him. CK now realized that the text had been from that guy, and they got down together at the next stop.
The mall that CK went to didn't seem very attractive to him, but the people did. He entered the theatre to watch the film. As per his preference, it was an action film. He then when to have his lunch at a restaurant. Observing the people, he realized that most of them had a very strong family bond since they had all come out with their families. He missed this the most in his life. CK felt someone following him. He had felt someone’s eyes on him in the bus, then in the theatre, and now in the food court too. Complete in an action film mood, CK quickly approached this person, folded his hands across his chest and shouted, “Who are you?”
“I was sent by your father for your protection. Please, spare me,” stammered the guy, shocked by the sudden confrontation. CK let him go, but the thought of his father spying on him irritated him to no end. When he turned around, he found the whole food court looking at him, so he hurriedly left the place. Once outside, he booked a cab to return back to his house. Thoughts of the girl with red streaks in her hair, as well as his heroic confrontation at the mall occupied his mind. Smiling at himself, he turned to look out the window. The car was passing through a slum area, where he saw kids playing in the garbage. He confirmed with the driver if they were on the right route, since he hadn't seen this area while on the bus. The driver assured him that it was just a short-cut. At the slum, CK saw many houses the size of his car, while some even smaller than that. Regardless, he found happiness reflecting in the eyes of those who lived there. He saw mothers combing and bathing their children, and other kids playing with their fathers in the street.
His car passed the area after a few minutes, but his thoughts had gotten stuck there. He wondered about the happiness, love and care that these families shared amongst one another. He realized that he didn't want a big house, a car or any of the luxurious things, but to have the love of a family, even if he would have had to be born in a slum for it. The driver’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts as he said, “We have reached your home, sir.” “It’s a house, not a home,” replied CK, paying him the fare. He saw a big lawn before his house, but there was no one there to welcome him. He walked swiftly to his room because he didn’t want to face the big empty house. As soon as he entered his room, his eyes landed on his mother’s photograph. He collapsed on his bed and started to cry, thinking about those mothers living in the slum. Sleep slowly overcame him and he dozed off. When Chandra Sekhar saw his room’s door slightly opened, he peeped in. Finding CK asleep, he tiptoed up to him and noticed his tear-stained pillow. He couldn't control his emotions. He gently touched his hair, cautious to not wake him up. He tried to look at his face but couldn't. He decided that he needed a little more time to do it. He rushed to the maid to ask her the reason behind CK's tears, but he couldn't find the answer. Eventually, he decided that simply knowing the reason won't help. He wanted CK to be happy as soon as he woke up.
He called up the director and asked him to make the “first look” poster by that evening. He thought that it would at least excite him, if not make him happy. Chandra Sekhar penned down a note saying, “We want to make the first-look poster by this evening. Come to the studio as soon as you wake up — Director” He left the note by his pillow under his cell phone and asked the maid to inform CK about it as soon as he woke up. He couldn’t help thinking that his wife would have handled this situation better. He missed her presence. As usual, he went out of the house soon to change his mood. He believed in facing all his problems head on, only that nature of him have brought him success in professional life. But even after twenty-five years, he couldn't bring himself to even think about this issue, let alone face it. It was a mystery to him. He hadn't even looked at a single picture of his wife in the past twenty-five years, but only lived in her sweet memory. He preferred to live with the lie that she was still alive somewhere and often imagined that she would return to him someday.
A few hours later, CK searched around his bed for his phone, wanting to see the time and hoping to squeeze out a few more minutes in bed. The first thing that CK usually did after waking up was to try and sleep again. He picked up the phone along with the note underneath it. With half open drowsy eyes, he read through the note. The words “first-look poster” made him jump. He read the note again in a nano-second and grabbed the keys the next. He ran down the stairs, still in his bed-clothes and uncombed hair, with the car keys in his hand. On seeing his excitement, the maid understood that his father’s plan had worked, yet she asked to confirm, “Where are you going?”
Only then did CK question himself, “Where am I going?” He scanned through the note again, but there wasn't any location mentioned. Seeing
the confused expression on his face, the maid hesitated, waiting for her expected answer. To her surprise, CK laughed at his own madness and the maid joined in. CK pulled out his phone and called up the director. Before he could finish saying “first-look poster”, the maid clapped and giggled in excitement. CK was confused for the moment, but the director voice on the other end distracted him.
CK jumped into his car, put on a loud rock song and drove off. He was driving happily after a long time. He felt the same nervous excitement bubbling up in him as when it was the first day of his college. He stopped at a red light and looked out his window. There were life size cut-outs and posters outside a theatre and he saw his own face on them. His eyes grew wide and his jaw fell open. The signal turned green and the people behind him started honking. Only then did he regain his consciousness and realized that the cut-out and posters were of the newly released film hero's. He quickly turned on his car’s ignition and zoomed off to the studio. It was his first time visiting this place. There was a big globe sculpted with the studio's name on top of a 10 feet tall pillar just outside. Starry eyed, he looked at the building as a child looks on at an exhibition. Suddenly, he heard someone scream “Cut!” from one side of the campus. Finally, he spotted the director in one corner, shouting into the mic. CK’s heartbeat rose at the sight of him. He suddenly started feeling unsure about his own skill in acting and considered taking acting classes before he started shooting. All these thoughts passed through his mind within a fraction of a second. Finally, he gathered his guts to face the director with courage.
The shooting started and went on smoothly over the next few days, while CK was also able to bond with the director easily as they are of same age. Each day was new and challenging for him, and he felt like his life was shaping as he wished day by day. His first acting job kept him occupied for most of the day, sometimes even night. He felt lighter too, as his mind was more occupied in his work than weighed down by the burden of emotional thoughts. Each day, he fell more in love with acting. His new job gave him the purpose to live and feel alive; he found his solace in it.
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