DOUG (V.O.)
Yeah, well the deadline for the
movie has been pushed up by six
weeks.
JON
(yells)
What?
DOUG (V.O.)
That only gives us a week. If
you aren’t able to do this, I’ll
find someone else.
JON
Why was it pushed up?
DOUG (V.O.)
Something about having a better
marketing outcome, and the time
to feature is better. We’ll have
a better profit.
JON
Oh my God. Life is going downhill.
Can I get paid in advance?
DOUG (V.O.)
At the end of the week you’ll get
some pay. The rest later. Are you
able to do this?
JON
Yeah. Gimmie some time. Come over
in two days. I should have
something for us to work with.
DOUG (V.O.)
Thanks Jon.
INT. DOUG’S HOUSE – EVENING
Doug hangs up the phone. He laughs. A list of “EVIL THINGS TO DO” is shown. It has a checkmark next to “DATE HOT MODEL TO MAKE MORE PEOPLE NOTICE MY FILMS”. He puts a check mark next to “LIE TO JON ABOUT DEADLINE.” Below it without a checkmark states: “ANNOUNCE TO PAPARAZZI I’M DATING SANDRA HAZELMERE.”
DOUG
Now you have no choice but to
focus only on work, Jon.
INT. JON’S BEDROOM – EVENING
Jon throws the phone at a chair and screams. He exits his bedroom.
INT. JON’S OFFICE – EVENING
Jon enters his office and sits at the computer. He turns it on and looks at the screen with the 3D designs in an editing program.
INT. JON’S OFFICE – EVENING – JON’S POV
The screen is blurry. He moves closer to the screen and it is more blurry. Jon sits at the other end of the room and he can see the computer clearly.
End Jon’s POV.
Jon screams at the computer and gets up and smacks the keyboard off the desk. He gets up and smacks into the wall next to the door. He screams at the door.
JON
(yells)
Stupid door.
INT. JON’S STAIRS – EVENING
Jon stomps down the stairs screaming.
INT. JON’S KITCHEN – EVENING
Jon stops screaming and looks out his window at Sandra’s house. He turns around and looks at oatmeal chocolate chip cookie mix on the counter. He takes out a mixing bowl and begins to make some cookies.
JON
Molly, these are for you. There
are no raisins.
He mixes. He gets a pan. He drops portions of cookie mix on the pan. He puts the pan in the oven.
JON
Fricken one week. What the crap.
The clock states 11 O’Clock. It then changes to 2AM.
INT. JON’S KITCHEN - 2AM
Jon is watching the shopping channel. He sees a product that he would never need. The television shows “DIAL NOW” and his hand moves to the space next to him. He gets up and walks into the kitchen heading towards the phone. Jon passes the batch of cookies on a plate and takes the phone off the receiver.
HERMAN (V.O.)
Hey. Jon.
Jon turns around and sees a cookie, HERMAN, on the edge of the counter.
HERMAN
Hey, let’s go play.
Jon dials a number into the phone.
JON
Molly, isn’t it a little bit late
for you to be over?
Jon looks up at the clock. It shows 2:00AM.
JON
(surprised)
Woah. It’s really late. What are
you--
He walks on over to the other side of the counter and nobody is there.
JON
--doing here?
Jon walks around the kitchen island another time, and looks into the family room.
HERMAN
Hey Jon, I’m over here.
Jon’s POV – Jon looks down at the kitchen island. There is a cookie with arms, legs and a face. Jon is the only one in the entire script who can see it alive. Jon drops the phone and it lands on the ground.
HERMAN
What do you like to do for fun,
Jon?
JON
Huh… I, uh… don’t rea--
HERMAN
Exactly. And that is why I am
here.
Jon looks confused and rubs his eyes.
JON
You’re still there.
HERMAN
Of course I am, Jon.
No longer at Jon’s POV, but the cookie still has a face and limbs.
JON
But, why?
HERMAN
I have a mission, Jon. I have to
take over the grocery store.
JON
What’s so great about the
grocery store?
HERMAN
Nothing, Jon. They put me on sale
and got rid of my product line.
I felt unwanted and got the idea
I was cheap. I’ll show them
who’s cheap!
Herman begins to laugh manically. Jon looks shocked.
JON
I must be going insane. So tell
me, what can a cookie do to a
grocery store?
HERMAN
This is where you come in, Jon.
You will help me take over the
Place. You will be named king of
the grocery store! Just imagine,
free food.
JON
Hmm… I could use free food, or
I could eat you.
HERMAN
You won’t eat me, Jon, because
I am the doorway for you to get
more food.
Herman walks over to Jon’s belly and rubs it.
HERMAN
(mumbles)
Yes my minion.
JON
What?
HERMAN
Nothing.
Jon puts Herman into his hand and walks over to
INT. JON’S FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT
Jon enters and sits on the couch with Herman in his hand. He sets it down beside him.
JON
So what’s your name?
HERMAN
Herman.
Herman sits cross legged.
JON
Well Herman, I have a job to do
and it’s due soon.
HERMAN
No it’s not. Besides, it’s not
fun, not as fun as dominating a
grocery store where you will
reign as king. That is what you
want, right, Jon? To be known for
success.
JON
Success.
HERMAN
That’s right, Jon. Let’s go.
Jon gets up from the couch. He grabs Herman and puts it in his pocket.
CUT TO:
INT. GROCERY STORE - 3AM
The 24 hour grocery store parking lot is almost empty. Jon enters the store. Herman peeks out of Jon’s pocket. They pass by the discount sign next to cookie mix of the same brand that Jon has in his kitchen.
HERMAN
(mumbles)
I’m not cheap.
BAKED NEEDS AISLE - NIGHT
Jon walks along the aisle and passes some cookie mixes. There is a different brand is on the shelves from the cookie mix that was in Jon’s kitchen.
HERMAN
This is the enemy who knocked
me off the shelves, Jon. You
may eat
them.
Jon opens up the cookie mix and sticks his hand in. A male EMPLOYEE walks by the end of the aisle and starts to walk towards him. The employee cannot hear Herman.
EMPLOYEE
Sir, I hope you plan to
purchase that.
HERMAN
Fool! He will soon be your
king! Bow down to him!
Jon hesitantly nods. The employee looks at Jon’s eyes. They are very red.
EMPLOYEE
Are you okay?
Jon nods again.
EMPLOYEE
(concerned)
Alright.
The employee leaves.
HERMAN
You disappoint me, Jon. Let’s
carry on.
Jon walks in to
THE VEGETABLE SECTION - NIGHT
Jon stares long and hard at the vegetables. The employee watches Jon from a distance. Jon begins to talk to some vegetables, but not long conversations. He walks to
THE CHECKOUT COUNTER - NIGHT
Jon arrives with his groceries.
EMPLOYEE
Hey, how are you holding up?
JON
Pretty good, I checked out my
domain and I quite like it.
EMPLOYEE
Yeah, what website?
JON
No website, this domain. I will
be king of all of this.
Jon pays for his groceries. Jon takes his bag of groceries and goes to the exit.
EMPLOYEE
Alright, have a good night.
(softly)
Nutcase.
CUT TO:
INT. JON’S FAMILY ROOM – 4AM
Jon lies on his couch. Herman hops out of the pocket and stands on Jon’s stomach.
JON
So what do you want to do now?
HERMAN
We could plan out how we are
going to take over the grocery
store.
JON
Nah, let’s do that later.
Jon grabs the TV remote and turns the TV on displaying the shopping channel.
JON
I have a project to finish you
know.
HERMAN
No you don’t, Jon.
JON
Yes, I do. I have to finish it,
they are all counting on me.
HERMAN
Why do you have to finish it?
JON
I’ll have great success. I think
this project might give it.
HERMAN
But you’re already granted
success, Jon. You’re going to
be king. King.
JON
King.
LATER
Jon stares blankly at the television. He does not fall asleep. The clock changes from 4:05 AM to 10:00 AM. Jon’s eyes are red and dark circles are underneath. There is a regular cookie on a plate on the table in front of him.
JON
(to Herman)
I never thought I would excel in
my career so early on in my life.
(pause)
I know.
(pause)
It is going downhill.
Molly enters through the patio door, and slowly walks into the family room. Jon does not notice her. Molly sees a regular cookie and cannot hear it speak.
JON
(to Herman)
I’ll be king. You promise?
MOLLY
(imitates)
You promise?
JON
(to Herman)
Seriously, you’re the best.
MOLLY
You’re the best.
Jon turns his head and looks at Molly.
JON
Yes?
MOLLY
Hi!
JON
What do you want?
MOLLY
I’m here to help on the movie.
JON
I don’t wanna work on it now.
MOLLY
But why not? I want to help.
Jon looks at the cookie.
JON
Herman says he doesn’t like you.
MOLLY
What! Why doesn’t he like me?
Who is he?
Jon points to the cookie on the plate.
MOLLY
Well tell Herman I don’t like
him either.
JON
He heard you.
MOLLY
He makes me mad. I want to eat
him.
JON
There are others on the kitchen
table, you can eat those.
Molly gets up and goes into the kitchen, takes a few cookies. She returns.
MOLLY
(chews a cookie)
So, when are we gonna work on it?
JON
(angrily)
Not today. I told you I don’t
wanna work on it now. Besides,
I’m hanging out with Herman.
MOLLY
Herman’s a meanie.
JON
He’s my friend. If you don’t
like him, you can just leave.
MOLLY
(loudly)
What! You’re being a meanie
Jon!
Jon shoos her with his hand.
MOLLY
Fine, I don’t need to hang out
with you and your stupid cookie
anyways.
Molly leaves through the patio door. Herman is now alive with a face and limbs.
HERMAN
Finally. She annoys me, Jon.
JON
Why? She’s only seven.
HERMAN
She’ll just get in the way. She
wants you to focus on pointless
editing when you can just have
success now.
The phone rings. Jon picks it up.
JON
(to phone)
Hey Doug. Yeah it’s coming along.
(pause)
Awesome.
(pause)
Yeah, come over at seven.
Jon hangs up the phone.
JON
(to Herman)
Looks like I should work on it
after all.
HERMAN
You’re letting your boss take
over your life, Jon.
JON
He liked my C.G. stills.
HERMAN
So, that only means you have to
do more work.
JON
Herman, this could be a great
step for me.
HERMAN
He has power over you. Who’s the
king in this position?
JON
Doug.
HERMAN
Exactly, Jon.
The phone rings. Jon picks it up. SPLIT-SCREEN between Matt and Jon on the phone. Matt is at a zoo.
MATT
Hey.
JON
Hey.
MATT
What are you up to right now?
JON
Nothing.
MATT
Great! I need some help at my
work. Could you help out?
JON
Sure. See ya.
Jon hangs up the phone. Split-screen ends.
JON
Well, Herman, I’m off. Think
of a plan for the grocery store
and tell me it when I come back.
Jon gets up from the couch.
EXT. ZOO – N
OON
Matt’s Toyota parks in the ‘employees only’ stall in the zoo parking lot. Matt and Jon exit the car. They enter the building, and Matt puts on his employee tag.
INT. ZOO – NOON
Matt and Jon push wheel barrels and stop at the monkey cages.
MATT
Thanks for helping, we were
short staffed today. No way I
could do this all on my own.
Jon looks at a monkey in the field below the bars. In Jon’s POV everything is seen hazier than before, and he squints to make things a bit clear. End Jon’s POV.
JON
Hey, is that the monkey?
MATT
Yup!
JON
How did you escape with it in
the first place?
MATT
They let me close up a few days
ago.
Jon smiles.
MATT
I returned him this morning. I
was glad no one even noticed. I
had him for four days. That’s
crazy, man!
JON
But why even have it in the
first place?
MATT
Jon, tell me. Have you never
dreamed of having a monkey of
your own?
JON
At one point.
MATT
Then you know how I feel. I
guess for you it’s a woman of
your own.
JON
Thanks.
MATT
I feel like my life is a little
bit more complete. Take my
advice.
JON
Advice?
MATT
To be more complete. I feel like
I just succeeded in fulfilling
Perception or The Oatmeal Cookie & Michelle's Mind Page 6
