“It’s okay,” she started. “Just tell me. Just say it!”
The only sound Harriet could hear was the pounding beat of her heart which felt like it was vibrating her whole body.
Strands of her hair stuck to the side of her face, but she didn’t care. “Say it!” she yelled, feeling her face heating up, frustrated by the fact Matthew wouldn’t admit it. She wanted him to say it, so she could know the truth.
“You want me to say it? Do you really want me to say it?”
Harriet nodded, tears streaming down her face. “Say it.”
“All right, Harriet, I’ll say it.” Matthew paused, looking down at his feet. “I love you.”
Harriet felt her stomach sink, and she was sure she had misheard him. “You…you love me?”
He nodded, stepping toward her as he took her hands in his. “Yes, and I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner. I hate myself for it, now that I know what you’ve been feeling and thinking about yourself. I wanted to tell you right after my accident, but you wouldn’t let me speak. It pains me to know how you have been feeling these last few weeks. I told you I would never not like someone just because of a limp, why didn’t you believe me?”
“Because…because you didn’t act like it. It seemed like you were trying to distance yourself from me.”
He looked down at his hands, still holding hers, and frowned. “I was, but not because of anything you did. I was afraid to love someone. I didn’t want to fall in love with you, and each day I did more and more. I was afraid I’d lose you, so I just tried to stay away.”
Harriet shook her head, confused. “But why would you lose me?”
“I don’t know. I’ve seen it happen before—Nathaniel lost the love of his life so suddenly and so young. He still recovering from it. My mother lost my pa when I was only four, and she has spent the rest of her life alone. I was afraid of having that happen to me. It’s selfish and I know that, but I couldn’t help but be afraid.”
“You have every right to be. It is scary loving someone, because the people you love most, are the ones who can cause you the most pain. I was so afraid to come out here because I thought that I would never have a chance to be loved by anyone because of my leg. I guess in a way I was afraid to love too, but for me it was because I was scared to not be loved back.”
“Harriet, your leg doesn’t change what I think about you. If anything, it makes me realize just how strong and brave you are.”
Harriet’s heart was pounding in her chest, and she could feel her stomach churning. “Oh, Matthew. Thank you. But it’s easy for you and everyone else to say that. People say kind things, but when you’re the one having to look at yourself every day, you notice every flaw. I’ve spent my whole life wishing I could get rid of it.”
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, and Harriet wondered if she had scared him with the truth about how she felt about herself. “I understand, Harriet. It must be hard, but just remember that waiting to be something you’re not isn’t living.”
At those words, Harriet felt like her heart dropped and she allowed the words to play over in her mind. Waiting to be something you’re not isn’t living. Harriet felt that those were the first words to actually make sense, and she realized she hadn’t been living. Not really anyway.
She’d been hiding, just the same as Matthew had because he was afraid to get hurt. She realized they’d both been hiding, but just in different ways.
Matthew smiled, pulling Harriet into a hug. “How about we start over? Tomorrow, we’ll go on a picnic, and this time I won’t be afraid.”
Harriet nodded, reaching up to wipe at her eyes. “And I won’t be afraid either.” She pulled back to look him in the eyes, and smiled. “I wish we would’ve cleared this up sooner.”
“Me too, but I guess we were both too afraid.”
“I guess so.”
He wrapped his arm around her, and began to guide her back to the house. “Let’s go back inside and just to be clear, you’re not going home. You are staying right here, where you belong.”
Where you belong. The words seemed to echo in Harriet’s mind as she grinned and walked alongside Matthew into the house where the smell of the apple pie baking seemed to fill the room.
Chapter 26
Matthew smiled at Harriet who was leaning against a tree, her sketchbook in her lap as she focused intently on her work.
They had just finished the sandwiches Harriet had made for their picnic, and she had pulled out her book, eager to draw where they were sitting. Matthew had often noticed her drawing in the evenings since she’d arrived but he had never bothered to look at her work.
He moved closer to peer over her shoulder, where she was drawing the outline of a tree almost effortlessly. The drawing pencil seemed to dance across the paper as she somehow made the bark of the tree look real.
Matthew didn’t know how she could turn a colored version of the world into a beautiful gray, black, and white image.
“Your drawings are wonderful.”
“Thank you. I’ll show you some of the ones I did of the New York views. I’m sure you will quite like them.”
Matthew watched as she set her pencil down and flipped through some pages of her book until she found one, and turned the book to face him.
“That’s what the view was like from the window of the room I lived in at the school.”
Matthew took in all the detail of the drawing. All of the buildings had every brick drawn and even had people in the streets below.
“There are so many buildings. They seem to go on forever.”
“That’s the way the city feels. That’s why I quite like it out here—it’s so peaceful and the things to draw are endless.” She smiled flipping to another page.
Matthew noticed her smile falter as she traced her finger across the page where he saw three girls sitting on a bed. Some laughing, and others smiling. “Who are they?”
“My school friends.” Harriet pointed at each one as she said their names. “Glory, Fae, and Imogene.”
“You miss them?”
“Terribly so. I miss all of them. I had so many wonderful friends that I grew up with. Fae and I shared a room so we were together the most. I also was good friends with a girl named Xenia, but she disappeared one day.”
Matthew raised his eyebrows. “And she didn’t come back? What happened to her?”
“Well some of my friends believe different things, but I think she was out wandering the streets of New York like she often did and tripped and hit her head. I think she lost all memory of who she is, and is out there somewhere trying to find her way home.”
“You really think that?”
Harriet shrugged, tilting her head. “It’s better than thinking that she’s truly gone. Some of my friends think she was killed, and I just don’t want to believe that.”
Matthew nodded, looking back to her picture. “That makes sense. I suppose it’s easier to believe the best about someone you care about.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When did you start drawing?”
Harriet smiled up at him, as she flipped back to the page she was working on. “When I was four or five probably. The Wigg School and Foundling Home, taught everything you can dream of. Art, sewing, cooking, music, and of course things like arithmetic and writing. Art has always been my way of escaping from the world for a little while and it also allows me to record the things I see, and the things I feel.”
“It must be nice for you to have something you’re so passionate about.”
“Yes, I wouldn’t go anywhere without my sketchbook. I also paint too, but I left my paints at the school because it would have been too much to bring.”
Matthew smiled. “I’m sure your paintings would be wonderful as well.”
Harriet looked back to her page, and Matthew watched as she gently pressed the pencil against the paper and in quick movements created the long grass growing up next to the trees.
Matthew thought
she was the most talented artist he’d ever seen.
It had been a day since Matthew had taken Harriet for a picnic, and their time had been wonderful. Now, though, he was heading up the steps of the mercantile where he found Mr. Ryson sweeping.
“Oh, good morning, Mr. Anderson. How are you feeling?”
“Much better, thank you.”
Mr. Ryson smiled. “What can I do for you?”
“I would like to order in some paints, and maybe some brushes too.”
“What for? Getting into art, are you?” Mr. Ryson laughed, and Matthew shook his head, resting his hands on the counter.
“No, it’s for Harriet. She loves to paint, but didn’t get to bring any of her supplies with her. But don’t tell her that you’ve ordered them in—I want to surprise her.”
“Sure thing, and I also have a load of canvases leftover from when Sadie went through her painting interest. She was awful at it, though, and soon gave up. You can have them for no charge. I’ll find them in the store room today sometime, since they’re likely at the very back.”
Matthew laughed. “Thank you. I’m sure she’d appreciate it.”
Mr. Ryson slid the catalog over to him and began to figure out what paint to order.
He hoped Harriet would be happy with what he chose, and he hoped she’d begin to see this more as her home here.
Chapter 27
Harriet had spent the last week with Matthew as he’d taken time off work from the blacksmiths until he’d recovered from his accident. She’d also been doing household chores like laundry and cooking, but she’d been drawing quite a lot too.
Today, though, she sat alone at the table with the lovely afternoon sun shining in the window as she waited for Matthew to get back from town. He’d given the children a ride to town and was sure he would be home soon. Matthew said he had to run in to get something he’d ordered from the mercantile, and Harriet hadn’t the slightest idea what it could be. She wondered if it was some tool that he and Nathaniel needed for the farm.
She jumped up when she heard the sound of the horses’ hooves and the wagon jostling as Matthew pulled up beside the house.
He came in the back door with a grin on his face and a box wrapped in brown paper in his hands.
Harriet raised her eyebrows. “What is it?”
“Open it and find out.” Matthew set the box on the table, and Harriet smiled at him as she gently ripped the paper off it to reveal a polished oak box with a clasp on the front of it.
She carefully opened the clasp, and lifted the lid revealing a line of beautiful watercolour paints and a jar for water to go in, as well as some brushes.
Harriet looked up at Matthew in disbelief, before coming around the table and wrapping her arms around his neck as he pulled her in to a warm hug.
“Oh, Matthew. I love it, but I hate to know how much it cost you!”
“Never mind that, it wasn’t that much, and I have some canvases in the wagon too you can use.”
Harriet grinned, pulling away to look up at him. “Thank you. It’s beautiful.”
His pale blue eyes met hers, and before she knew what was happening, he was leaning toward her and their lips met.
It only lasted a few seconds before he pulled away and smiled at her. “It’s my apology gift.”
Feeling her face heating up, she looked down at the ground. “You don’t need an apology gift. I’ve already forgiven you.”
“I know, but I really feel terrible that your first few weeks here you believed I didn’t want to marry you because of your leg. Harriet, I don’t think anything could have stopped me from falling in love with you.”
“Not anything?”
Matthew shook his head, and Harriet smiled.
“What if I was a jewel thief?”
“Now that would be interesting.”
Harriet laughed, looking to where her box of paints remained on the table, as Matthew reached for her hands. She smiled when she looked up at him, noticing how his dark blond hair was hanging in front of his eyes again.
“Harriet, will you marry me?”
She felt like her legs would give out and she gripped his hands tightly, tears welling in her eyes as she nodded.
“Of course, I will. Yes, Matthew. Yes.”
He pulled her into a hug and lifted her off the floor, spinning her around once before setting her down as she laughed, noticing the sparkle in Matthew’s eyes.
“I love you, Harriet.”
“And I, you.”
Harriet had never felt happier in her life, and she couldn’t wait to begin her life with Matthew. It hadn’t been easy getting here or leaving her old life behind. And when she’d arrived, things hadn’t exactly gone well either as they both worked through their insecurities and failings. Eventually, though, everything had worked out, just like all her friends had reassured her it would.
If she could tell the Harriet that had sat up worrying about having to come out west to marry some random man anything, it would be this. “Everything will work out, so just believe in yourself and know that no matter what, you are beautiful the way you are.”
Harriet knew she still needed to find a way to teach somehow, to fulfill Madam Wigg’s dying request, and she would of course, but right now all she wanted was to get married.
She wasn’t so sure she believed Madam Wigg was actually dying at this point. In the beginning, she’d believed her, and was heartbroken at the idea of losing the person who had raised her.
As time went on, though, and Harriet had time to think, she realized it may have all been a ruse just to get everyone to go. She realized Madam Wigg likely knew a lot of the girls wouldn’t have ever left otherwise, and she wondered if she had known all along that each of the girls deserved a chance to be happy and start their own lives.
And maybe she was dying—the thought sent chills through Harriet’s whole body.
No, she wouldn’t think like that. Her whole life, she realized, she’d believed the worst and now it was time for her to believe in the best.
Chapter 28
Matthew rolled over, the sun shining in the window waking him as he opened his eyes, and stretched his arm across the bed, searching for Harriet, but her spot on the bed was cold.
The wedding had been a week ago, and Matthew had never been happier. They were still living with Nathaniel, but he was working on building a house on the property slightly up the hill but close enough for the children. After some haggling, and over Nathaniel’s protests, they’d agreed on a fair price for this piece of land to be sold off to him.
He rolled out of bed, quickly got dressed, and running a hand through his hair made his way out to the main room where Harriet was standing by the stove with Isabella and Kate setting the table.
“Good morning, Uncle Matthew.” Kate smiled, rushing over to him as he knelt down to give the child a hug.
When Kate returned to finish helping her sister set the table, Matthew stood and made his way to sit down.
Breakfast was served, and Nathaniel joined them. As Matthew looked around at his family he couldn’t help but smile. Everything had worked out, and even though he was afraid of ever experiencing loss, he knew it was something he couldn’t just runaway from.
Everyone faced it at some time, and no matter how hard he could have tried, Matthew knew it was impossible to not care for people.
It wasn’t long before the children were by the door, and Harriet was handing them their lunch pails and wishing them a good day.
“Goodbye, Uncle Matthew! Auntie Harriet!” Isabella called as she stepped out the door.
“Have a good day!”
He smiled as Harriet shut the door behind them and his brother stood, carrying his plate to the basin.
“I think I will head off now too and get an early start. I’ll be home for supper.” Nathaniel smiled at Matthew before grabbing his hat off the hook. “Thanks for breakfast, Harriet.”
“You’re welcome.”
Matthew watche
d his brother shut the back door and stood to bring his plate to the basin.
“Matthew?”
He smiled, turning to where Harriet was standing with her eyebrows furrowed like she did when she was thinking. “Yes?”
“What is the schoolteacher in Burchcreek like?”
Matthew wondered if this was some sort of question there was only one answer to, so he decided to play it safe. “She seems like an agreeable person, but I can’t say I’ve spoken to her much.”
“What’s her name?”
“Miss White. What is this about anyway?”
Harriet let out a breath, leaning with one arm on the table. “I was hoping to go into town and talk with her after school. You know how part of my benefactor’s dying request and reason she sent us out here, was so we could for one, get married, but also teach in a way that would honor her. She believed in fair opportunities for all, and I was hoping to talk with Miss White about what art there was available at the school.”
Matthew smiled, moving past her to grab his hat off the hook. “I think that’s a wonderful idea, Harriet. I don’t think the school actually does anything involving painting or drawing. So I’m sure she’d be more than willing to work something out with you. I’m not sure the town could fund it, though, which would be the only problem.”
“Oh no, I would never expect such a thing. Madam Wigg promised that once we’d established what we could do with the schooling or teaching, she’d send money.”
“Well, you can go in after school then. I’m going to get going—I’ll be back for supper.” Matthew took her hand in his and kissed her cheek before stepping toward the door
“I’ll bring you some lunch out.”
Matthew smiled as he stepped outside, and made his way to the barn, where he got the horses set up and everything packed into the wagon.
Today was his third day working on the house. He’d always loved it out there. It was so peaceful and had a wonderful view. He could hardly wait for Harriet and him to begin their lives there.
Harriet's Hope (The Alphabet Mail-Order Brides Series Book 8) Page 9
