“You missed out. It made New York look awesome. Big and bustling and exciting. So different from where I grew up. It definitely didn’t do the nightlife justice, but I’ll give ‘em a pass. So that was the dream for a long time.”
He gave a low laugh. “So you made it, got to the city, have an apartment and a job. Now what?”
“What do you mean?”
“What’s the dream now?”
I looked out across the water, turning over the question that I’d spent so long trying to push from my mind. What was next? After this wedding, after I didn’t have Beck and Sam to fret over, what was I going to do? I was in a good spot at work, liked my friends, enjoyed my hobbies. I would be pretty content to continue at this equilibrium for a while, if there wasn’t that gapping loneliness that refused to address itself.
“I guess I want to get married,” I said.
Whatever he was expecting me to say, I got the impression that wasn’t it. That window into him, the openness that took so long to come out but shined like the North Star when it did, closed with a snap.
“Why is it that every woman wants to get married?” he asked sullenly.
“We don’t all want to,” I said.
Mac was closing off, but I felt compelled to spill my thoughts. Who cared if he didn’t want to listen or couldn’t understand? He asked me and this was what I had to offer.
“But I do,” I continued. “Not right this minute obviously. Not even within the year. But I’d like to meet someone. Someone who’s right for me for once. You’re telling me that you’ve never had any desire to form a relationship with someone?”
Mac considered my words and then shook his head. “Never. Never met a girl I didn’t just want to sleep with. Because loving, wanting a relationship, implies that I think it’s going to last forever. And it’s not. And by the time you realize that, you’ve already lost everything that will last.”
“And what will last?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Friendships,” he said. “The people that have already shown you that they’d stick by you no matter what.”
“But how is that any different from a relationship?” I asked. “Non-sexual, sure. But if you can decide you’ve outgrown your spouse, can’t you do the same for your friends?”
“Sure. But at least your friends don’t ask you to pick them over everything else. At least, your good ones don’t. And they don’t live with you and share your bank account.”
He had a point, but I didn’t say so. Mac obviously was dealing with issues over this wedding that went beyond childish jealousy. He’d been burned before, in his past, and wasn’t over it.
“All I’m saying,” I said finally, “is that I don’t want to end up alone.”
He glanced at me and I caught his eye. “Neither do I,” he admitted.
The confession surprised me. It was the first truly personal thing I’d heard him say. And from the look on his face, he was just as surprised he said it as I was. Then the shock closed off again and he nudged his horse ahead.
“Race you?” he asked over his shoulder.
“You are way too new at this to be racing!” I shouted, urging my own mount forward to keep up with him.
“This is how I learn best,” he called.
His horse wasn’t having it though, and we made it to the stables going at best a quick trot, as behind us the sun sank to darkness beneath the crashing waves.
17
Mac
What the hell was going on with me? I’d acted like a different man all day, arranging a goddamn sunset horseback ride down the beach for a girl I barely knew. It was insane. So unlike me that I barely recognized myself.
But ever since the plan formed in my mind at the tiki bar, I couldn’t shake it. From the moment I pictured Alice’s eyes, lit up at the sight of the horses, the curve of her neck backlit by the setting sun, her laughter as I tried to get the half-wild beast under control, I was hooked. The mental image wasn’t enough. I needed to make it a reality.
But there was something more there too, beyond spending time with her once again. It was an intense need to prove that I was really, actually, genuinely sorry. This weekend was already going to be hellish — I couldn’t imagine how much worse it would be knowing that, on Sunday, we’d fly home to our separate corners of the city we shared, at odds forever. I’d live in her mind as that asshole that almost got her killed and she’d live in mine as… As what? The one that got away? What did that even mean to me? Because that sentence implied that there was a ‘one’. That there might have been a ‘one’ for me.
And that was a notion I just couldn’t accept. Because if I did, I’d be falling into that same trap that Sam did and Keegan was currently doing. I had a responsibility to my friends. I was the only one with the crystal ball. I’d seen it myself in the white fog, Sammy Dedric fallen far and fallen fast. Alone in the world until his death.
But, I figured, there was no reason I couldn’t apologize, send Alice on her way with a good memory of Mexico and save myself the scorn of my friends.
And so I’d pulled it off and, amazingly, she’d accepted it. For that I was grateful. And as much as I hated bouncing around on the back of that animal, it’d been worth it. (I mean, seriously. You’re fecking high off the ground and at the complete mercy of a massive, dumb, panicky animal that’s scared of its own shadow and shits like it’s being force-fed through a tube.)
There my vision had come true. The glow of the setting sun had lit her auburn hair, had reflected off her brown eyes and pierced me with their dazzling intensity. I’d watched her, as we rode, and felt something I’d never experienced before: longing.
It wasn’t anything as soft as what Sam was on about, no flashes of rings or quiet movie nights at home. Just an intense desire to see her again. There was no specific activity attached to the feeling (not withstanding that ever-present wondering of what she’d feel like under me), just the want, the need, to see her in my life. Alice with her wild intensity and strong opinions, her utter disregard for what the rest of the world thought of her. I wanted her. In all lights, all moods. She fit me in a way I’d never gotten from the bimbos that flitted in and out of my bed.
And when we parted at the entrance to the stables, I hadn’t wanted her to go.
It was uncomfortable, the two of us standing there. A sunset horseback ride is a statement. A loud one. But despite that longing and despite my big-ass mouth, I wasn’t sure what to say.
“I should see where Beck…” she started after a moment, trailing off into awkward silence.
Of course. Beck. The wedding. Other more important and pressing issues. I nodded.
“Thanks though,” she said. “For making it up to me.”
I pulled a smirk onto my face. “Well, now you can go back to acting like a normal fecking person around me.”
She snorted. “Maybe.” Her eyes met mine and lingered, mesmerizing me once again with their beauty. But then they pulled away. “See you around,” she said and walked quickly away. I watched her go and tired to ignore the longing.
But now that it was here, I wasn’t sure I could hide it back away.
This isn’t you! These feelings weren’t mine, a stranger’s thoughts inside my head. A weak stranger who was going to just be disappointed in the end.
I needed a shower, a cold snap to wake me up. So I headed back to my room, cycling topics through my mind that weren’t Alice. What did I used to spend my time thinking about? Whiskey, business, pool, suits, money. Money. I grasped the topic in a bear hug and tried hard to care about how my investments might do this year.
I was so focused on picturing my portfolio that I didn’t notice her until she was right on top of me, grabbing me by the front of my shirt and physically yanking me into a hall off the main walkway inside the resort.
I groaned internally at the sight but kept my face passive. Margot. Hands on her hips, bright red lips pinched in rage, one heeled foot tapping on the hardwood with a pronounced click.
I
glanced over my shoulder at the hall. There was some foot traffic, but it was mostly empty. I really hoped Alice didn’t decide to head up to the rooms too. She had an uncanny knack for stumbling on me at the very worst times and I had a feeling this was quickly about to be ‘not what it looks like’.
I tried to make it quick, though the look on Margot’s face suggested that she wasn’t going to be overly receptive to my apology.
“Look, I’m sorry about last night,” I started.
“You’re sorry?” she demanded. “Nobody stands me up. Ever.”
“Yeah, well I also didn’t think you’d have a husband,” I replied.
She rolled her eyes. “Oh bullshit, Mac. Of course you knew I had a husband. Why else were we hiding?”
I sighed. “Okay, fine. I suspected you might be here with someone.” My voice dropped to a hiss. “But I didn’t think it’d be the owner of the goddamn resort my best friend is getting married at! Do you know how bad that would have looked for me if we got caught?”
She brushed me off. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve never been caught.”
Now it was my turn to call bullshit. “We were caught yesterday. By the Maid of Honor of all people. That’s where I was last night, by the way. Making sure she wasn’t going to tell on us.”
Margot’s beautiful features twitched and she looked away. “I suppose that’s a good enough excuse,” she said. “But you should have told me.”
“You should have told me you were married to Lorne!”
Her face stiffened. “Then I guess we both made mistakes.” Her eyes traveled across my face and then down my body. Her long fingers hooked onto my shirt and brought me closer. “But we can still make up for lost time.” She paused. “Why do you smell like a stable?”
Another point against horses. In the enclosed space, I could smell myself too and it wasn’t great.
“Never mind,” she said before I could comment. “We can start in the shower.”
I gently but firmly pushed her back. “Sorry Margot. I’m not risking it. You’ll have to find someone else.”
Her brow furrowed. “You’re not saying no to me,” she stated.
“Sorry,” I repeated. “I’ve got some other things to do,” I added lamely and quickly walked away before she could drag me into a fight.
The look on her face as I left was pure murder.
I went straight up to my room, stripped off the horse-clothes and stepped under the showerhead. It was ice cold, but I still felt hot inside.
I should have just screwed Margot, satisfied these pent-up sexual feelings, finally forgotten about Alice and gone to bed. But I couldn’t, and not just because I’d told Alice I wouldn’t.
Was I missing something? Was there something to be said for this relationship thing after all? What about my prevailing argument? That we all grew apart eventually? But it was getting harder to justify as I wondered for the umpteenth time if this emotional connection I was starting to share with Alice would actually make the sex a thousand times better than I’d ever experienced.
I left the shower, tying a towel around my waist and pacing the living room of my suite. I cracked a mini-bottle of my own label and sipped it, but couldn’t finish it. I wanted to drink, but also wanted to stay sober and clear. I wanted to fuck, but I’d just turned down guaranteed sex.
I remembered what I’d said on the ride. Was I really just scared of ending up alone? Was it true?
And why the hell had I told Alice that?
A memory floated across my mind, one that I didn’t really remember having, and once it formed I knew why I expelled it from my thoughts. It wasn’t a conversation or even a feeling, but an image: My father sitting in front of the television with a beer. He worked construction when he wasn’t on disability which was more often than not. Da rarely paid much attention to us kids, something which at the time was a blessing. When other kids had to sneak out of the house or came to the park showing off lash marks and black eyes, a boy appreciated not having anyone to look out for.
He’d died from kidney failure sometime around when the liquor business was just starting to pick up. It was convenient. I never had to pretend that I cared about him, never had to send him money and worry about what he was doing with it. Never got the guilt trip like I got from my siblings about not giving them cash by the fist-full. But apparently that memory had always stuck around in the back of my mind. My Da, the one who looked so much like me, dying alone.
Would that be me? Would all this money mean nothing in the end? As my friends moved on and grew up and got married, would I be left alone after all?
I paced back and forth, still in the towel. My personal creed, my anger against this whole damn wedding, the pain of losing Sammy all those years ago. The emotions beat inside my skull, conflicting, battling, with this new and powerful feeling, this desire, this longing.
And it was very clear to me which was winning.
18
Alice
By the time I got back into cell range at the resort, I had three messages from Beck and one from Kylie.
* * *
Beck: You okay?
* * *
Beck: Hey! Are you coming back?
* * *
Beck: We’re leaving the restaurant and going to dance at the Sunset Lagoon. Catch us there!
* * *
Kylie: Alice, this is the exact shit I was talking about today. Tell Mac I said hi.
* * *
I sighed heavily and stowed my phone in my back pocket. I’d completely forgotten about them. I was only supposed to be gone twenty minutes, just enough time to yell at Mac and walk back, but it had ended up being well over an hour. Beck didn’t sound upset. That was good. Kylie on the other hand…
* * *
Alice: Sorry Kylie, I’ll explain later.
* * *
I had a distinct feeling my explanation wasn’t going to hold up though. To tell her the full story would mean revealing that Margot had been in play at one point. And as for why I stayed?
Well that I could barely explain to myself. I’d fallen for enough guys over the years to recognize the symptoms. But Mac? Of all people? The guy who’d been on my shit list for over a year since he punched out Daniel?
On paper Mac was perfect — fantastic job, drop-dead gorgeous, engaging personality. But in reality? He was way too boorish, too bull-headed. And above all, he didn’t believe in marriage. Not that I was ready to get hitched anytime soon, but eventually that was what I wanted. A husband and a family and all that old-fashioned domestic stability that I’d always wanted as a kid.
And the truth of the situation was that I was never going to find that with Mac. Once again a guy was showing me, outright telling me, who he was and what he wanted, and I was still trying to fit him into the perfect husband-shaped box that I longed for. Just like Daniel, just like the guys before him.
This is why you keep getting hurt, Alice. My expectations were too high and they were placed on the wrong men.
So maybe the lesson here was just to have zero expectations?
I shook my head and pulled myself from my thoughts long enough to respond to Beck.
* * *
Alice: Hey! Sorry, I’m fine. I’ll explain tomorrow. I think I’m turning in early though. Have fun!
* * *
Beck didn’t need me there to have a good time. We had the bachelorette party tomorrow after the rehearsal dinner anyway. Not to mention the massive afterparty in two days. We’d have plenty of time together. Tonight, with thoughts of Mac swirling in my head, I needed some space. I didn’t think I could pretend to have fun with a bunch of people right now. Especially with the judgment that would come — mostly from Jules — after leaving them again.
So after a bit of aimless wandering, I headed up to the suite and sat on my bed, looking out the window at the lights speckling the darkness.
The horseback ride had been beautiful. Beautiful, but strange. I hadn’t thought Mac was capable of such a kind
— sweet even — gesture. It went against every notion I had of him — both preconceived and explicitly seen. Mac had just shown a side of himself that I never suspected was there. Maybe there were other surprises beneath that tough exterior, a softer Mac, a more understanding one. Maybe I just needed to coax it out of him.
I stood up and went into the bathroom, turning the shower on, and standing under the soft waterfall. There is was again. That was the thinking that so often got me emotionally invested in the ‘wrong guy’. It was the trap I’d fallen into so many times before.
Mac wasn’t any different. And yet the idea of Daniel arranging something like tonight was laughable, even after a year of dating, let alone a week of just knowing me.
Somehow, something deep inside me was telling me that Mac was different. There was just something about him, an essence, an intoxicating air of both danger and stability. It was something that excited me. And something that made me feel like everything was going to be all right.
I got out of the shower and paced around the suite, looking for distraction. Maybe I should have gone with the girls after all. I didn’t feel like sleeping. I was too wired, too wrapped up in thoughts of Mac. Maybe I should—
A knock sounded and I turned to the door like I’d been waiting for it. Had I been? I didn’t know anymore.
It was probably just housekeeping or surprise complimentary room service. It was probably one of the girls who forgot their keycard.
I opened the door firmly, not bothering to look through the peephole. And there he was. Mac.
He looked just as surprised to see me, which was to say not at all. He grinned that intoxicating smile and nodded toward the gap between me and the door. “Can I come in?” he asked.
I nodded, but still didn’t say anything. He walked into the room. His hair was damp and slicked back. It made him look even more roguish and handsome. But I couldn’t swoon. It was obvious why he was here, but I still wasn’t sure. Every part of me wanted him but for that small section of my mind called logic.
The Groomsman: An Enemies-to-Lovers Romance (Billionaires of Club Tempest) Page 17
