by Sarah Noffke
“I’m so-so-so sorry, sir,” she stuttered. “I didn’t mean to undermine your authority.”
“Oh no, you just think you know better than me. Get this, little girl. You can live another bloody lifetime and you won’t know better than me. I’m a master at strategy. Hence the bloody title. Got it?” I said.
She nodded, biting on her bottom lip. I could have said “boo” and she probably would have burst out crying. I considered it.
Instead I said, “After that I want you to stop into Café Du Monde in New Orleans. Order a dozen beignets.”
I paused until I knew she couldn’t help but ask her dumb, curious question. “What is that going to do, sir?” she said. “Will it delay an act that would lead to an accident?”
“No,” I said, sounding insulted. “Just bring them back here. I want a bloody pastry.”
***
I did as Trey requested and didn’t use my skills for any evil manipulations while in the Institute. Of course, evil is a relative term. What I think shouldn’t be considered sinister is probably a bit different than what most people would classify under that title. So I might have played a few pranks, hypnotized a few individuals until they passed out and verbally abused everyone I came in contact with. Trey didn’t seem to mind my antics since my small and efficient department was more successful than ever before. And I had to have a way to entertain myself by being naughty when I was tired of saving the fucking world and running from my bloody demons. And of course, the one thing I couldn’t get away from was the woman’s death I was culpable for. Trey forgave me and yet I found it impossible to forgive myself. I think that’s the very reason he made his children one of my chief responsibilities. In Trey’s well-meaning heart he believed I’d think I was atoning for my sins by protecting his offspring. I didn’t think that, but that’s probably because I’ve never liked the idea of being saved. Not in any sense of the word. I guess being damned sounds like a better approach. There’s nowhere else to fall to but down.
One of my main responsibilities, while at the Institute, was to check up on Trey’s children, who both lived at separate foster families to ensure their safety. A man more akin to a parasite was bent on killing them. He was almost as powerful as Chase and way more ambitious. Some years later, when Trey’s children were almost grown they’d enter the Institute and I’d teach them how to fight and survive evil. And his daughter went on to kill that parasite, saving humanity, but that isn’t my story to tell. It’s hers. She’s the same girl I saw on that day I delivered two snotty infants to Trey. His daughter would follow me around in some way or another for a good part of my life. I thought she was going to be the death of me. Turned out I was wrong. She’d be the one who freed me.
Trey’s daughter, who I ordered the first mate to pull out of her dead mother and give CPR to, would also go on, with the help of her brother, to kill both my adversaries. Chase and Allouette. I had barely dared to venture out of the Institute since I set foot there. Sure, I dream traveled, but rarely and usually only with Trey since I knew Allouette and Chase were always searching for my energy to pop up on the globe. And I can count the times I took my physical body out of the Institute on one hand. I always knew it was a risk and on my last trip Allouette actually caught me and almost succeeded in killing me. However, thanks to a Lucidite news report and the quick work of my agents, I was able to escape. Still, that experience confirmed for me that I was never safe outside the Institute as long as Allouette and Chase breathed in this world. I was free and also a prisoner for my entire time at the Institute. I thought it would take an act of God to rid the world of Chase and his devil, but it actually took the acts of a pair of twins who were born prematurely and had a vendetta against the two responsible for their mother’s death. Again, I’m not sharing the details of this story because although I’m involved in it, this is not my story to tell. For me to share those events would be like I was taking credit for them and I won’t do that.
The point is that it took almost two decades after I sought refuge in the Institute for me to be safe outside its walls. After eighteen years, a fortnight after Chase and Allouette had been ridded from this world, I packed a single suitcase and took the long submarine ride to the surface. I was ready to return to the world above the water. I’d matured during my almost two decades of service at the Institute. I’d mostly atoned for my sins. I’d done something that would almost make my pops proud, but now I needed to have a new adventure. And the threat of encountering Chase and Allouette had kept me hidden. I was ready for the world to see my shocking red hair and monster green eyes again. I was ready to return home, but I had one thing left to do.
Chapter Twenty-Three
September 2014
The Institute was as sterile as a prison and I’d willingly imprisoned myself in it. It was a fate I endured knowing I’d brought it on myself. And because I had nothing to spend my money on since the Institute took care of my room and board, I sent my checks to the church in Peavey, after I paid a few bills, of course. Money didn’t matter. Women didn’t exist. And although I had awoken after my ordeal with Allouette, I was still calloused to the world, as Trey suspected I’d always be.
I served Trey with a loyalty I had only for people like my parents. Trey Underwood was the first person I met with admirable skills that I wasn’t interested in copying and adding to my persona. I’d never be able to pull off the good guy act. I was a man with a monster inside me. That monster was born there and was never going away.
After eighteen years of working as the Head Strategist I took a demotion. For all of those years I’d sent agents out into the field to intervene and use their skills to stop tragedy. No longer concerned about Chase or Allouette finding me, I gave myself a new assignment, and this was a big one. A society of Dream Travelers in Southern Oregon were suppressing the gifts of rebellious Dream Travelers. I assigned myself the extremely difficult task of infiltrating the corrupt government and bringing down the power source behind the atrocity. All I had to do was get there, which would require some good old-fashioned Middling travel since there were no GAD-Cs in the piney state.
When I took that first step off the submarine onto the dock I realized what I’d missed without knowing it. Wind. It whirled over my cheeks and the backs of my hands. Like I did that first day in London, I raised my hands in the air with a welcoming embrace and sang out, “I know you’ve missed me, world. Ren’s back.”
The sun set over the western horizon, sparkling over the rippling Pacific waters. Sunlight. I also hadn’t seen real sunlight in eighteen years. But unlike the wind I knew I’d missed it. Its absence in my life was like missing a finger. You never forget that it’s gone. I pulled sunglasses out of my pocket, as prepared as ever.
I was halfway to LAX when I remembered the other reason that I’d willingly imprisoned myself in an underwater facility for so long. Stretched across a building and as beautiful as ever was an image of Dahlia. She was still famous. She’d aged, as I had, but was unmistakably beautiful. A knot that I didn’t think could exist in my throat ever again tied into place. I coughed it away.
“Hey,” I said to the cab driver.
“Billy,” he said, looking over his shoulder at me. “My name is Billy, not hey.”
“Whatever,” I said. “That singer, Dahlia, do you know anything about her?”
“Buddy, what planet did you just come from? Everyone knows about Dahlia.”
“I’m not your buddy, Larry,” I said.
“I said my name is Billy.”
Ignoring him I said, “So did she ever get married?”
“Oh yeah,” the guy said with a howling laugh.
I sat back, my jaw flexing. I had no right to be mad. And still I was livid. I’d abandoned her. Told her off. Broken her heart. How didn’t I expect that she’d get married one day? I knew she’d move on. And hadn’t I?
“It lasted a whole six months, the sham of a wedding. She married some hotshot movie star, I forget the guy’s name,” t
he cab driver said in a gossipy tone. “Personally I think the whole thing was a promotional stunt.”
My chest loosened a tad.
The cab driver, who apparently didn’t know brakes were standard in all motor vehicles, pulled over at the curb at LAX. He got out to help me with my luggage probably because I tipped him so generously. At my back a horde of people were gathered, most holding mobiles and stepping up on their tiptoes trying to see something.
The cab driver turned to see the commotion I was eyeing. The crowd parted slightly and I just spied a black limousine as bodyguards pushed the people back.
“Well, speaking of the devil,” the cab driver said with a delighted grin. “I bet that’s Dahlia in there now. She just had a tour here in LA.”
“She’s not the devil,” I said flatly. “Believe me. I know.”
I threw my eyes up looking toward the sky. That’s not funny, God, I thought. I’d been back in the real world for only an hour and already God was tempting me with people I couldn’t have. No wonder I locked myself away for almost two decades.
“Put that back,” I said to Billy, pointing to the suitcase. “You’re driving me to Oregon.” I then turned and got back in the car.
The cab driver slipped into the driver’s seat, a confused expression marking his brow. “What? That’s like a twelve-hour drive.”
I slipped down low, obscuring my face. Besides small wrinkles and the red goatee I’d acquired, I looked the same as when I was with Dahlia. Same spiked hairstyle. Same cut of suit. She’d recognize me for sure. I couldn’t chance her seeing me. I knew after that last night in London that I could never see her in person again. That’s why I locked up my flat and went to Paris. I would always take Dahlia back. And I would love her and lose her. It was the way of things. My parents had proven that Middlings and Dream Travelers didn’t belong together. In my world there were no happy endings. “I’ll make it worth your while,” I said to the driver. “Just get me the hell out of here, Larry.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
April 2015 - Present Day
The project in Oregon took six months and although I almost died, from both physical threats and annoyance, I ended up being victorious. My first agent assignment had gone better than anyone at the Institute could have hoped for. And when it was all over, I almost considered staying in Oregon. As much as I hated to admit it, the people hadn’t totally repulsed me. And the weather was cold. It rained too much. And the locals wore enough layers that usually their repugnant faces were partially covered. But Oregon had something that I couldn’t stand. Trees. And a bloody lot of them. Trees every fucking where. Trees with leaves that crackled underfoot. Trees with needles that chimed all bloody night. Trees that were home to pesky rodents and noisy birds. Trees that obstructed views. Trees with branches so large they could break in a strong wind and impale a person, killing them. Taking them away forever.
In Oregon I met and fought people as despicable as Chase. People who sought to destroy their children because they posed a threat to their political power. I worked to bring down these people who murdered their own family members and thought genocide was justifiable. If I had any spirit left then it would have been broken in Oregon. This all confirmed for me what I always thought: people are inherently awful. I’m not judging. I’m not pointing fingers. I’m one of these horrendous people. I’ve been asked numerous times what makes me so bad-tempered. People want a reason for everything but sometimes there isn’t one. I was just born bad. Corrupt. Like most of the population. And what was the use fighting all these losing battles anymore?
For eighteen bloody years I worked tirelessly to prevent disasters. I worked to stop bad guys, but it never really made a difference. Maybe we were all just better off letting the world go to shit. Although my first rogue agent case went successfully, as I knew it would, it also confirmed that there wasn’t any real point in saving the world anymore. There wasn’t a fucking point in anything. I loved the people I couldn’t have. The ones I could have, deceived me. And I was one of the most powerful men in the world, but I couldn’t save people who had mattered most to me.
I’ve never tried to make sense of my life, but now I’m giving up on it. Maybe in my genius mind I thought one day everything would figure itself out. That things would actually mean something to me, but for all my trying I’ve come up short.
Life. Is. Meaningless.
I live without consequence. If I die, it will matter very little. If I’m good it only has a small effect on the world around me. If I’m bad then I rip lives apart, creating a rippling effect for generations. Maybe I’ve spent too many years as a bad guy to appreciate the phony balance in the world. Maybe I’ve spent too many years around bad guys to see they weren’t the majority. They sure feel like it.
One of those bad people was Lyza. She had lied to gain status within this society in Oregon and as fate would have it, our paths crossed. My sister hadn’t forgotten what I’d done to her all those years ago. I had lied to the church’s therapist, telling him I was afraid she’d molest me. And I’d told the truth about her, breaking her engagement with Chase. And she was still pretty bitter about all that and more. Lyza sought her revenge on me in Oregon. She had me abducted, tortured, and imprisoned. My own sister. Is it any wonder that I’m giving up on humanity at this stage in my life?
Lyza wasn’t successful at killing me though. I’m not going to go into the assorted details of what happened in Oregon or what transpired between my sister and me. The important part of that history is that I got away. That story is not one I want to share with you, mostly because I became a little soft during my time in Oregon. I still shiver thinking about it. Maybe that history is written in another book, but not this one. Go and find that story for yourself if you’re really interested. And if you don’t like that I’m not divulging the story to you here, well, you know me well enough as your storyteller to know I don’t bloody give a damn. Fucking sue me.
Here’s what I will say. It was what Lyza did to me and what I witnessed in Oregon that finally broke me. It’s what made me finally decide to quit fucking caring. Being almost murdered by my soulless sister and watching a dictator try and lobotomize his people is why I’m here presently about to embark on a new life. I have lived my life before this as many different types of characters. And now I’m about to start a new chapter in my life. At the age of forty-five I’ve decided to start over. Today is the first day of the end of my old life.
***
As requested, I dream traveled to meet Trey in our usual location. We met in our familiar meeting location, Sanga in Nepal. Specifically for all these years we’ve met at a spot near the largest statue of Shiva in the world. Even when we were both at the Institute we preferred to have our dream travel meetings in this place. First, Trey had suggested it to get me out a bit. I didn’t care for the worshippers I saw there in physical form or the green rolling hills around it, but over time the one-hundred-forty-three-foot statue compelled me in an odd way. I guess I was intrigued that a religion of people had created such a beautiful monstrosity to idolize their god. Christians had done it. Buddhists had done it. Hell, every religion did it and it continued to astound me. Religion on the whole continued to elude me, although I realized that God was overhead probably having a field day with the things he was going to do to me when my time came.
I park myself on a step ten down from Shiva. Trey appears a minute later and stands staring at the statue with a quiet reverence. He then takes the spot next to me. Trey respects things. Gods. People. Ideas. I’ll never understand him. Ever. He is a complete anomaly to me in his totally forgiving and patient nature. And yet, I respect and trust him. There is something about Trey Underwood that is innately good. Some people are good because that’s what’s expected of people in modern society. Some people are good because they’ve been conditioned to be so. Most are good because they don’t want to be punished. And then there are the few who are that way because it’s who they really are. Trey is pure
ly good and born that way, just as I was born the opposite way.
“Nice work on your last project,” Trey begins. “I have anoth—”
“Stop, Trey,” I say, cutting him off. “I’m done.”
He turns and looks at me for a few seconds. I can tell he is trying to explain away what I’ve just said. Rationalize it into what it doesn’t really mean. “What do you mean, you’re done?” he asks in his always calm tone.
“Oh, blimey, of all people I was certain you had a concrete working of the English language,” I say, throwing my hands in the air. “Done. Finished. Retired. You’re familiar with those words, am I right?”
“Retired?” Trey says with a gaping look of disbelief.
I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but now it almost feels hard, like I’m not sure I can go through with it. But that would make me a weakling. Those kinds of people can’t follow through when things get tough and I’m many detestable things, but I’m no weakling.
“That’s right,” I chirp. “That was my last job. I don’t want a gold watch or a crummy retirement party with a gaudy cake. All I want is for you not to expect me to fight all these bad guys for you. I’m done.”
“But Ren—”
“Hey, I’d say we could still be pals and meet up to go fly fishing, but we both know that I’ll stand you up each and every time,” I say. “Instead, why don’t you call me on the weekends and I’ll let it go to voicemail. Then I’ll return your call a few months later when I’m in a busy airport and can’t really hear you very well. We’ll stay connected, I promise.”
