by Jay Heavner
“Yup, you remember those painful lessons.” “I saw him sometime later. He was sober this time and not too mad at me. And again, he said he was never gonna do that again, so we parted on good terms.”
“Could we get back to Missy?” Roger said. “Sure. I went on down the beach doing what I was sent out there to do. After about a mile walk, I turned around and headed back to my vehicle. People were still covered up, but as I passed, they went back to their birthday suits. I had done what I had been sent out there to do and reported that to the sheriff, and all was well.
“A week later, I pulled over a speeder on US 1. It was a young woman who said she was late for her job at a nearby diner in Titusville. I checked her driver’s license, insurance, and registration. All was in order. I decided to write her a warning, and it was at that time, she asked if I didn’t recognize her. I said no, and she reminded me of our encounter on the beach. I took a good look at her and said, ‘I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.’ She laughed, thanked me for letting her off easy, and told me to stop in at the diner. I did later, and before long she was one of my girlfriends.”
“One of your girlfriends?” Roger said. “Yeah, we’d been together for some time, but our ideas on the relationship were not in sync. She thought it was to be exclusively me and her. When she found out I had other lady friends I was spending the night with, she went ballistic. I
never kept it from her, but never spoke about it either. Anyway, it wasn’t pretty, and she told me in no uncertain terms she never wanted to see me again. Her pet name for me was ‘Love.’ Boy, oh boy, did she put a snarl on that term when she stormed off.”
“Bill, that doesn’t sound good. You could sure help yourself by providing an alibi.” “Roger, I have my reasons, and when this is over, you’ll understand.”
They rode on in silence for a few minutes. Roger spoke, “So what more could you tell me about her and anything she may have told you about her relationship with her ex-husband?”
“As I said, she had a body that other women envied and wished they had, and she was not afraid to show it. She gave me a key to her apartment and often when I’d let myself in, I find her nude watching the TV.”
“What shows did she like?”
“Oh, I Love Lucy, Jackie Gleeson, Andy Griffith, and the like. Why do you ask?”
“Just curious, may be important, maybe not,” Roger said. “Her showing her body off was the biggest problem with her ex. It was okay before they got married, but afterward, he wanted all that to be exclusively for him. She thought different. She continued going out to the nudie beach and even was in a couple of those boob movies teenage boys like.”
“Boob movies?” Bill said, “Yeah, lots of pretty girls running around naked with lots of boob shots and little to no plot in the movie. You know, the kind that appeals to horny teenage boys. She said it paid well, even the one where she was only a pair of breasts framed in a window. She was listed in the credits as Anonymous Torso.
Missy believed everyone would know it was her. She said, ‘Breasts and nipples are like fingerprints. No two are alike.’”
“Yeah, I know the type of movie. Cheap to make and a good return on the dollar for the producer.” “Yup. Her husband was getting very jealous and possessive. She said she’d enough and walked out. I think she may have gotten a restraining order again him for all the good they do.”
“Another unhappy ending for her.” “Yup, and then she got killed,” Bill said. “And that’s where I come in.”
“Yup. Roger, if anyone can find out who done it, it will be you.” Roger nodded. “Say, are you good? I’d like to get some shut eye. I may have some more questions when I wake up. You good with that?” “Sure, you get a nap, ask your questions, and then you drive, and I nap. Sound like a plan?”
“It does.” Roger pulled his hat down over his eyes and was soon snoring. Bill looked at Roger and wondered about the gears turning in his sleeping mind. Bill knew how people often get answers after sleeping on it and he wondered about Roger. Hope all his gears are properly synchronized. There’s a lot riding on them being so.
***
“Where are we? How long have I been asleep?” Roger asked.
“Sleepyhead, you’ve been sawing logs for about 45 minutes, and we’re just outside of Columbia. Need a pit stop?” “Soon, but I can wait a little. I think we hit every one so far coming and going.”
Bill said, “We may have missed one, maybe two. There’s a rest stop on the south side of Columbia about 20 miles or less out. Can you wait that long?”
“Should be no problem. If it is, I can always relieve myself on the floor of your truck.” Bill growled, “Like your dog, K9, did? I told you, I’m still getting called ‘Stinky’ behind my back by some of the cops in Brevard County. I’m getting’ tired of hearing it. It’s getting old. Don’t push your luck, ole buddy.”
“Okay, still sore about that are we?”
“Yup, it wouldn’t be so funny if the shoe was on the other foot.” “True, but it’s not,” and then Roger gave his best Sam Elliott snicker. “If we weren’t friends, I might abandon you at the rest stop, ole buddy.”
“Okay, I’ll behave,” and he snickered again, but just enough for Bill to notice. “Ain’t funny.”
The two men said nothing for a good minute. Bill asked, “Did you think of any good questions you wanted to ask?”
“None for you yet, but I think I need to talk with some people when we get back home. Missy’s ex would be a good one along with the coroner. I’m sure I’ll think of others. The more I learn, the better I understand this case.”
“Well, I have a question for you,” Bill said. “Shoot.”
“What was your most difficult case?”
Roger grunted. “Most difficult case? Hard to say. There’s been several. One of the hardest was telling some of the local cops back home their open and shut slam dunk case against a guy was more full of holes than a Swiss cheese. They weren’t happy, and I think they are still sore about it. I saved an innocent man from a murder trial, maybe even execution.”
“Go on.” Roger said, “This guy was as poor as a church mouse. He’d recently gotten married. He and his new wife lived in an efficiency apartment the size of a shoe box. Their place had a Murphy bed. When you pulled it down, you couldn’t open the front door without lifting up the bed. There was no way to get in without raising the bed. The young man woke up one morning and found his new wife on the floor where she had fallen out of the bed. He picked her up, found she was cold to the touch, but still tried to give her artificial respiration. He pulled her tongue forward, but trying to revive her didn’t work.
“He concluded she was dead and put her on the couch, lifted the bed, and went for help. The coroner discovered she died of suffocation, noted bruise marks on her neck, and determined she had been murdered. I was asked to look into it, and a few simple questions saved the man. The dead woman’s sister told me she had epilepsy, something she hadn’t revealed to her new husband. The sister had once saved her from choking to death on her tongue during a seizure. And the bruises? The dead woman had a friend who thought he was a chiropractor and practiced on her. He did the bruising while cracking her neck. Everyone all saw it as a clear-cut case of murder. Everyone but me.”
“Very interesting. Anything else you would like to tell me before we stop?” Bill asked.
“Yeah, the important thing in solving crimes, especially murder, is getting inside peoples’ heads. People kill people for some reason – hate, love, greed, or revenge. Sometimes they’re high on dope or crazy. A good detective must get inside them to find the whos, the whats, and the whys.”
“Roger, from all my years in law enforcement, I know that can be a frightening place.” He paused. “Anything else you would like to add?” “Yeah, treat others like you would like to be treated when they merit such treatment. I got that from my wife who got it from the Bible. And one last word that’s even simpler when solving a crime, work har
d and use common sense.”
Bill nodded, “Think you’re on to something. Common sense isn’t so common today. Couldn’t have said it better myself. If anyone can find Missy’s killer, it’ll be you.”
Roger gave Bill a look that shouted, Even if it’s you. Bill read Roger’s look and smiled slightly.
Bill said, “Looks like we’re here. We’ll pit stop and then you drive, Roger.”
“Okay, I thought of a few questions. Are you up for them before you take your little nap while I’m driving?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“I got some good ones for you.” Bill nodded. “I’ll bet you do.”
CHAPTER 12
The boys were lucky they were boys. There was a line out the door for the ladies room. They took care of their business. The line for the ladies room did not seem to be moving and had gotten longer. Soon they were back on Interstate 26 heading south.
Bill looked over from the passenger’s seat at Roger and asked, “So you got some questions? Let’s hear ‘em before my date with the Sandman starts.”
“Okay,” Roger said. “What’s your impression of Agent Hernandez?” “Overall, good. One tough cookie who’s trying to do her job and do it well. Got a soft streak like most good cops, but she tries to cover it up. Thinks she needs to fit in and be one of the boys.”
“You seem to know a lot about her. Was she one of your lovers, Bill?” Bill grinned. “That’s privileged information. No comment.” This brought a smile to Roger’s face. Bill began again. “I can see why she left Miami. That place is crazy. You should be glad you live up here and not there.”
“Tell me more.”
“Okay and I’ll try not to embellish it. It’s weird enough without doing so. There’s a lot of crime, a whole lot. I saw this bumper sticker recently. It said, ‘Please come back to Miami! We weren’t shooting at You.’”
“I thought you said you weren’t going to embellish it, Bill.” “I’m not. I’m just getting started. Think Miami Vice and
Scarface. In truth, only a small percentage are violent criminals, the bulk of which are elected officials. Most are hardworking people trying to raise their kids well, ready to lay down covering fire when they go outside to pick up their newspapers.”
“You’re embellishing that?” Roger asked. “Just a little. I’ll stick to the truth. Some Norwegian tourists landed at Miami International Airport. On the courtesy bus to their hotel, the bus was boarded by two men who diverted it and robbed them at gunpoint. At another hotel, a German who spent the night complained to the staff as he checked out that the room had a bad smell. They sent a maid to check it out, and she found a corpse under the bed and not a fresh one.”
“I thought you said you were sticking to the truth.” Bill said, “I am. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’. It’s not Disney World. They’ve had shootouts at baby showers and wakes. And the traffic, the young guys drive like maniacs, like they stole the cars, and they probably did. Why, then there’s the seniors who’s awareness of their surroundings is about the same as a ham salad sandwich without sweet relish added. They found a confused old guy lost and driving in of all places, the Miami Airport.”
“What’s so odd about that?” Roger said. “He was on Runway 9, not I 95.” “That is weird.”
Bill said, “At least he had insurance and two handguns with him. Oh, I just remembered another one. They have a free public transportation people mover they call the Metromover. One evening at rush hour, two guys got on carrying a live, six- foot-long nurse shark. They caught it in the bay and were taking it downtown to try and sell it. Only in Miami. When the wholesaler downtown wouldn’t buy the shark now dead, they dumped it in the street where it laid for two days.”
Roger laughed, “Guess public transportation did not agree with it.” “Miami City Highway Maintenance picked it up after someone finally complained.”
“So it was just another average day in Miami? Someone would have reported it in a heartbeat in Pittsburgh.”
Bill said, “Welcome to Miami. The local paper, The Herald, treated it as a feel-good story for against all the odds, it wasn’t a human body.” “At least, it didn’t bite anyone,” Roger said. “I’ve heard they do animal sacrifice at the hospitals as a medical procedure even though it was discredited a hundred years ago. And the critters down there are far worse than here. The grasshoppers are the size of sparrows. There’s poison toads, lizards the size of small dogs, and all kinds of dangerous exotic animals like pythons and New Yorkers.”
“Really?” Roger said. “Really, the pythons have taken over the Everglades, a muck- filled swamp where the native grass has saw blades that’ll cut you to pieces. Those snakes have eaten about everything else. And don’t get me off on the New Yorkers.”
“What about them?” “Roger, they’ve been coming for years. The upstaters aren’t so bad, almost normal, but those from the city when they get there, all they do is bitch about it’s so much better up north.
They won’t root for the local teams, stick with the Jets, Knicks, Mets, and Yankees. They loudly proclaim the New York restaurants were better, stores nicer, people smarter, and that there’s never been a shark on public transportation, etc. I don’t know why they left their little paradise.”
“And let me guess, they won’t leave their new home now,” Roger said. “Nope, not on your life. I guess the really worst thing is they didn’t leave their stinkin’ thinkin’ up there. They’re now using the same thinkin’ to turn Florida into the place they wouldn’t go back to. Not even Tim Dorsey could make up this stuff,” Bill said.
“Who? Can’t say I’ve heard of him?”
“Well, Roger. I’m surprised. A man of your stature not knowing Tim Dorsey?” “Can’t say I do. How do you know him?” “Well, I wrote him a ticket.” “What? You wrote him a ticket?”
“Yeah,” Bill sighed. “I got to admit I didn’t know who he was till I pulled him over for speeding on US 1. People treat that road like they’re on the interstate. I pulled this big white Lincoln over. The car was loaded full of boxes and duffle bags. I wondered if he might be a drug runner.”
Roger said, “Yeah he could have been dangerous.” “Dangerous? He was dangerous. He got me laughing so hard, I thought I was going to die. I almost cried. I His papers were in order. He was on his way to a book signing at the Titusville Public Library. He invited me. I went, and everyone there had a good time even when he brought the roof down.”
“How did he do that?” Roger asked. “He was getting all animated talking about two characters in his books, Serge and Coleman. I think I might have met the guys he patterned the men after when I worked as a carpenter some years ago. Tim was waving his hands around like a traveling hellfire and brimstone country preacher, and he knocked his coffee cup off the podium. It went flying and shattered when it hit the floor. Coffee and pieces of the ceramic cup went every- where. He was embarrassed, but recovered quickly as the library staff cleaned up the mess. The library has since put up signs saying no food or drinks are allowed in the library. ”
“That must have been exciting.”
Bill said, “It was, but it also made him human. Some people get the big head when they’ve written several books that sold millions.” Roger laughed, “Looks like old Tim sure did a good job of making himself humble that day.”
“He did. I bought one of his books, and he made me pay full price even though I let him off with a warning. Can you believe that?”
“Sounds like an author. Pretty tight with his money.” “They are. Trust me. I know first-hand,” Bill said.
Roger said, “I believe you. Say, you’ve been talking a lot. Ask me something.”
“Okay.” Bill rubbed his chin as he thought. “Tell me something funny about yourself and then something serious.”
A big smile came to Roger’s face. “As you know, I’ve got a soft spot in my heart for animals.”
“More like a soft spot in your head, but go on.” “Well anyway, me and the wife
went to a party at a country club near the college I worked at. It was a swanky place. When we entered the event room, we saw a woman in a dress that covered little with a small dog in the very ample cleavage of her breasts which I suspected were artificial seeing as they were the size of Volkswagen Beetles. The dog was a Yorkie, but she could have fit a full grown German shepherd between them. The dog was just as neurotic as any dog that size is.
Really, I know for sure because I watched it closely till my wife made me stop.”
“Roger, you’re a dirty old man.” He smiled from ear to ear. “Nah, just a dog lover.”
“Right,” Bill said and stretched his answer out. “That’s a funny story. Got a serious one now?”
“Yeah, I had a colonoscopy two years ago.” “Why? You’re too young for those,” Bill said. “Colon cancer runs in the family. My father had it at a young age and had lots of problems. I got mine early just in case. It all went well, except they found a couple of polyps and removed them. They told me I needed to be aware of the problems and to get regular checkups which I do.”
“What was it like? I mean, it’s not exactly something us guys usually like to think about. You know, having something stuck up the old yang-yang.” “No, it’s not,” Roger said. “To say the least, I was nervous. On the day before my colonoscopy, I had to begin ‘The Procedure.’ No solid food, nothing but broth, and then that evening you take the Maximove. You get two batches of powder to mix in a liter bottle. When you drink it, it seems more like gallons. It took me an hour and it tasted and I think I’m being kind, like sheep spit and toilet bowl cleaner with a hint of lemon-lime. The instructions, which had to be written by a sicko comedian, said to expect a loose, watery bowel movement.
“That was the understatement of the year. I felt it coming and ran to the bathroom. I felt like the space shuttle trying to launch. I wished the toilet had a seat belt and shoulder harness. I spent the next several hours confined to the bathroom. Everything in you goes, and when you think you are totally empty, you gotta drink another liter mixture, and then you travel into the future and crap out things you haven’t eaten yet.
