by Kathryn Shay
Carefully schooling her features to reveal nothing, Amanda remained silent. She knew only too well that particular response to Nick.
“But it wasn’t just sex, though that was stupendous. I loved his carefreeness. His ability to have a good time without money. How laughter and family and friends were enough for him. Ironically, it was the very things I loved about him that drove me away.” There was a deep sadness in her eyes.
“I don’t understand.”
Fumbling for her purse, Suzanne took out another cigarette and lit it. Inhaling seemed to calm her. “I couldn’t live without the luxuries. Nick didn’t need things, but I did. When Heather came along, I was intrigued by her and I loved her in my own way. For a while, I thought I might be able to handle everything. But I couldn’t. It was too hard giving her all my time, all my energy. I didn’t know how to sacrifice for an infant or a toddler. Then, when Jason was born...”
“Disabled,” Amanda supplied for her. “Jason is disabled.”
Suzanne must have caught the disdain in Amanda’s voice for a mother who couldn’t admit to her child’s affliction, because her face flooded with color. “Yes, disabled. I simply couldn’t do it. I wasn’t strong enough. So I left.” There was a long pause, then Suzanne continued. “It took me years to get over Nick. I know how shallow that sounds, that I could leave the children easier than him, but that’s me.” She laughed again with that horrid, self-disgusted humor, then took a deep breath. “I’ve come to terms with who and what I am, Amanda. I can’t do anything about it, but I don’t necessarily like it.”
Moved by her pain, but not her self-pity, Amanda nodded. “I’m not sure I agree that you couldn’t have changed, Suzanne. But why are you telling me this? What exactly do you want now?”
“I’ve had a rough few years. Though Joshua is older than I am, I married him thinking I’d probably have other children, and nannies to take care of them. But Joshua wasn’t thrilled about babies at his age and then. I had a hysterectomy six months ago. I did a lot of reevaluating of my life then and came to realize what I’d given up. Seeing Nick tonight...” Suzanne began to cry in earnest this time, but she forged on. “Made me even more aware of what I’ve lost. I know it’s too late with him, but I’ve been wondering for some time if it’s too late...” She straightened her shoulders, dabbed at her eyes and finished, “Do they ever ask about me, Amanda? Do they know I’m only a weak, shallow woman, not a monster?”
When the two emerged from the ladies’ room fifteen minutes after they’d entered, Nick was standing ten feet away. His eyes were inscrutable as he watched them approach. Reaching out, he pulled Amanda to him, securing her next to his safe body.
Amanda watched Suzanne’s face crumple a second time and had an intolerable thought. Oh, no, what if she tries to get him back?
“Hello, Nicky.”
Every feature in Nick’s face constricted. The pulse in his throat leapt and Amanda almost gasped at how tightly his fingers dug into her waist. Finally, obviously gaining some measure of control, he nodded sharply. “Suze.”
Nicknames. They had nicknames for each other.
Though she knew how Nick had felt about Suzanne, she realized his subconscious remembered his ex-wife in pet names. Amanda had experienced excruciating pain in her life and more loss than anyone should have to endure. But this particular prick was of a totally different nature and it hurt. She hadn’t realized before how much fear was associated with jealousy. She looked at Nick, noting how the dark tux accented his golden skin, how its cut outlined his muscles and his long, lithe form. His newly trimmed hair set off his silver eyes and, though they glowered with dislike, they were sexy and stormy and alluring. Amanda turned to Suzanne and watched her stare at her ex-husband for interminable seconds, then finally walk away.
Unable to stop her trembling, Amanda buried her face in Nick’s shoulder.
“Are you all right?” he asked gruffly into her hair.
She drew back slightly and looked into his stern, angular face. “Yes, but I’d like to leave.”
Examining her taut features, Nick nodded. “Then let’s get out of here.”
All the way home, Amanda’s mind whirled with the fact that Suzanne Cohen hadn’t been able to tear her eyes away from Nick.
o0o
Amanda was strung tight by the time they reached her house around midnight. She kicked off her shoes, threw her coat over the chair and tossed her gloves and purse on the table. Nick followed behind her, putting each item and accessory away. Too much of his world has gotten out of his control. He needs the neatness.
They made their way to the enclosed porch, and Nick said nothing while he lit a fire. Then he rose and stood near the mantel, slouching back in a deceptively casual stance. “What did she say?” His voice was tightly controlled.
Amanda knew it wouldn’t do to lie, but that was her initial inclination. Instead, she faced him like an adversary. “She was taunting at first. She made some cracks about you sexually.”
“Did that bother you?”
“No. I’m not the old Amanda.”
His eyes glimmered with satisfaction for a moment, then darkened. “Tell me the rest.”
Sinking into a chair, she curled her feet under her. Briefly, she remembered the discussion she and Nick had had last night about his canceling his movie trip with Heather. She’d challenged him on that, and he’d been upset about her lack of understanding. This discussion would be World War Three in comparison. Nonetheless, Amanda met his gaze. “She asked about Heather and Jason.”
Nick clenched his fists and straightened up and away from the fireplace. “What did she do when you refused to discuss them?”
“Look, Nick, I—”
He moved like lightning and reached her in a flash. Pulling her up from the sofa, he held her tightly by the arms. She drew in a deep breath of surprise at his rough grasp and he gentled his touch immediately. But his eyes were steely. “Tell me that you told her to butt out, that it was no concern of hers.”
For long seconds, Amanda stared at him unblinkingly, though she quivered inside. “It is her concern, Nick. What’s more, it’s Heather’s.”
He let her go so fast, she stumbled backward. He couldn’t have looked more shocked if she’d told him she was entering a convent. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that in my professional opinion, Heather needs some information about her mother. Maybe even some contact with her.” Amanda drew herself up and faced him squarely. “And judging from tonight, Suzanne needs the same thing.”
Suddenly, Nick felt the familiar rise of rage inside him. It welled up as it used to when he’d walked the floor at night with a crying infant or when he’d held a sobbing three-year-old who begged for her mommy. Scowling, he turned from Amanda, trying desperately to quell the images. His back to her, he said, “There is no fucking way Suzanne will ever see my kids. And you have no right to make that decision for my family.”
“As Heather’s counselor, I have that right.”
“No matter what it does to us? To you and me?”
“Yes, Nick, no matter what. We’ve discussed this a thousand times. And if you’re honest, you’ll admit it’s what you want, too.”
Of course, she was right. He wanted what was best for Heather. The problem was, he could never agree to her suggestion about Suzanne because he could never believe that this was what Heather needed. Amanda hadn’t been there ten years ago to see the devastation the woman had caused. He braced his arms against the mantel and hung his head. Intuitively, he knew that this conflict was going to cause an unbreachable rift between him and Amanda and he wasn’t sure how he was going to handle it.
When he felt her come up behind him, encircle his waist and lay her head against his back, he stiffened in an effort to resist her, to protect himself from her.
“I won’t let you do this to us, Nick,” she whispered against him.
Because he could feel himself weakening, because he wanted to bury himself
so deep inside her, he steeled his heart and made his voice cold. “Do what, Amanda?”
“Shut me out because you’re afraid. Lump me with Suzanne. What is it, Nick? Am I getting too close?”
The truth hurt, so he rounded on her. “Don’t analyze me, Counselor.”
Plopping her hands on her hips, Amanda glowered at him. “Damn it, Nick. I’m not going to let you alienate me. You’re mad, I understand that. But you can’t frighten me into silence with your anger.”
Nick marveled at the woman who had emerged from beneath the cool exterior she’d presented all evening. As if to solidify that change, she threw her arms around his neck and wrapped herself around him. “This issue with Heather and her mother has to be addressed, just like you spending time with her has to be worked out. And I’m not going to back down on either of them. As I just said, I will never risk Heather’s welfare for our relationship and you wouldn’t want me to. But neither am I going to stand meekly by and let you push me away whenever we disagree. Now shut up and kiss me. We’ll deal with this later.”
Nick didn’t know what to do. She wouldn’t back down from him and he’d never do anything to hurt her. He grasped her to him, not gently, but in passion, and she matched it. Before him, he saw Craig Coleman’s clear condescension, Porter’s mystified perusal and Suzanne’s haughty presence. Need jerked inside him. All the facets of his life were converging—Heather’s well-being, his past with Suzanne, his entrance into the world of law—on this one woman. He felt an elemental desire to possess her as he had never done before.
Raking his hands over the shiny dress, he grappled with the zipper in the back. The material fell to the floor and he lifted her from her feet. She was climbing onto him as his hands deftly unhooked the wispy bra she wore. He turned, backed her against the wall and took a beaded nipple in his mouth. His hands went to her hips. The garter belt was a hindrance this time, and he struggled with snaps. “Unhook it, damn it. I’m as clumsy as a boy.”
She got rid of the barrier.
He had no patience for the panties and tore them from her. The ripping sound was an aphrodisiac, as was the wetness he felt on them before he tossed them to the floor. He cupped her firmly and she arched into his palm.
“Like it?”
“Yes. Give me more.”
He slipped his finger inside her and she whimpered, trying to get closer to him. He eased it in and out, joined it with another finger and felt her start at the fullness.
Her hands flew to his belt and she struggled to unbuckle it. “It’s not enough, Nick. Help me.”
He did. He flung the cummerbund to the floor and unbuttoned his pants. She’d gotten to the zipper by then. “It’ll never be enough, never. God, I want you so much. So damn much.” The hammer blow of desire pounded within him.
She released him from his slacks and took him solidly in her hands, then pulled back to watch his face.
It was set in a grimace. “Do you like what you’re seeing? What you do to me?”
“Yes.”
“Then, hang on, babe. You can have it all. Wrap your legs around me.” Bracing her against the wall, he entered her in one sure, swift stroke. “Oh, God, this is so good, so right. Oh...”
In what must have been one of her last coherent moments, she grasped his head and forced him to look at her. “Yes, Nick, it is...” He kept pushing, harder and harder. “Remember that.”
And then she lost it. He tried to catch her moans in his mouth but he couldn’t. So he buried his face in her neck and listened to the wonderful sound of her pleasure as long as he could. Which wasn’t long. His control snapped, too. Against his will, he joined her in the most intense, searing pleasure he’d ever experienced.
Much later, Amanda snuggled into him on the couch. After their tumultuous union, against the wall, for God’s sake, he’d picked her up like precious china, cuddled her to his chest and made his way to the sofa. He’d covered her with the afghan, adjusted his clothes and cradled her on his lap. Once in a while, he would brush his lips across her hair.
The tenderness of all his ministrations brought tears to her eyes. She knew the problem between them could not be solved by lovemaking, but she’d needed that connection with him. As if to affirm her fears, Nick pulled away from her, laid her against the pillows and left the room. She heard his footsteps taking the stairs. He returned with white terry robe and handed it to her. “Put this on.”
She heard the unspoken You’re going to need it. So this was to be settled tonight. She shivered, but not from the cold.
Easing her arms inside the robe, she stood and wrapped it around her like a shield. “All right, let’s have it.”
He touched her cheek gently and his smile was sad, as if he, too, found the confrontation unbearable. “It’s out of the question to let Heather talk about, talk to or see Suzanne. I’m going to say this only once. The woman ripped our lives apart long ago and it’s taken me ten years to piece them back together. I absolutely will not give her the chance to hurt us again.”
Amanda bit her lip and swallowed hard. “What if it’s the best thing for Heather to see her mother?”
There was fire in Nick’s eyes when they focused on her. “Has she been talking to you about Suzanne?”
Wanting to back down under the blast of his gaze, she forced herself not to. “Nick, I can’t answer that, you know I can’t.”
“You just did.” He began to pace. “I don’t like it, Amanda.” No babe, no Mandy. But he’d called his ex-wife Suze.
Ignoring her own fear, Amanda kept her voice was calm and even. “Nick, Heather isn’t out of the woods yet. She was making progress for a while, when you quit Corelli’s and before the clerking escalated, but since things have gotten busy for you, and since Ron’s death, I’m more concerned than ever.”
Sinking wearily into a chair across from her, Nick scrubbed his hands over his face. “All right, I’ll compromise. I won’t let her down anymore. I’ll spend more time with her. But under no circumstances can she see or talk to Suzanne.”
It took all the courage Amanda had to cross him again. “It may not be enough now.”
Nick’s gaze was glacial. “What do you mean?”
“I think Heather needs some realism shed on her mother. She seems to have this larger-than-life view of her. She seems to see her as more than an ordinary woman. Suzanne’s a weak and shallow person, but ordinary, just the same.”
“She’s anything but ordinary. She is a monster.” He enunciated each word for effect. “And she ruined our lives years ago. I won’t give her another shot at Heather. Neither will you.” His last words held a tomblike finality.
Amanda watched him carefully. She hadn’t missed the use of the word monster. Suzanne’s word. “Nick, I don’t believe she’s a monster. What’s more important, I don’t think it’s healthy for Heather to believe that. She needs to see that Suzanne’s priorities were wrong, that she was weak and selfish, but that she’s just a human being with human foibles. Heather also needs to understand that she’s not like her mother, she’s much more like you...”
“That’s your opinion, Amanda.”
“My professional opinion.” When he said nothing, she added, “Which you obviously don’t trust.”
“It doesn’t matter. I simply can’t allow it. I have to protect my child the way I think best. And I want your promise that you won’t do anything behind my back.”
She could feel her face heating and her stomach churning. But she stood still and stared him down. “You shouldn’t need to ask me for that. I would never do anything without your knowledge.”
“Or my approval.”
Silence stretched between them. Then Amanda said, “I honestly don’t know, Nick. As I’ve stated before, Heather’s welfare is my first priority. I will only see and talk to her with your permission. I’d never take her anywhere against your wishes. That’s all I can promise.”
Apparently, he knew that was all he’d get. He stared at her for one long minute
, then turned wearily, picked up his coat and walked out of the room. She followed him to the door, feeling the private sting of his rejection. It intensified when he didn’t touch her, didn’t kiss her good-night. She thought he’d leave without saying anything at all, but when his hand reached the doorknob, he stopped and murmured a sad goodbye, not even facing her.
He opened the door and was halfway down the steps, when she called to him, “Nick?”
He halted, hesitated, then backtracked and stood outside the archway. The moon cast shadows over his angular features, accented by a darkening of his beard.
Slowly, she lifted her hand and rubbed the roughness of his cheek. “It doesn’t matter, any of it.”
He scowled but turned his face into her hand. “What doesn’t?”
“You can be as stubborn, as withdrawn and as angry as you want. It doesn’t matter, because I love you.”
Hot, thick emotion flared in his eyes. He didn’t move, didn’t speak, and something deep inside Amanda contracted. She removed her palm from his cheek and stepped back. Closing the door, she locked it and leaned against it. She brought her hand to her mouth and nose and breathed in the musky scent of him.
It was silent on the porch so she knew that he remained where he was for several seconds, as if in indecision. Then she heard him go down the front steps. He hadn’t returned the declaration. Only his eyes had reacted, burning with volcanic reaction to the words she spoke for the first time to him. But she didn’t regret saying them. There were too many things she wished she’d said to Lisa and to Ron. And she’d withheld this message long enough. She loved Nick DiMarco and he needed to know it. Realizing she might not have another opportunity to tell him, she began to weep.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
