by Liz Bradford
Panic shot through Jocelyn. “I, I don’t know!”
“It’s okay. It’s a little early to expect you to feel the kicks. You need to take slow, steady breaths. Let’s try over here.”
Still nothing. Jocelyn looked over at Gavin. His face was completely ashen. She reached over and took his hand that was resting on the side of the bed. His eyes met hers. The fear there mirrored the fear in her heart. Jesus, please let the baby be okay.
“I can’t lose another baby.” His whisper tore at her heart. He couldn’t handle that. The grief would be more than he could bear. He had lost so much.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Relief washed over Jocelyn at the sound of the baby’s heart. Tears cascaded down her face. Gavin sighed and pulled her hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it. Big drops of tears fell from his eyes too.
“There we go! I knew the little bugger was hiding. Heart rate is good and strong. Settle in. We’re going to keep you on it for at least twenty minutes to see how baby and you are doing. Have you had any contractions?”
“I’m not really sure.”
“First baby?”
“Yeah.”
“We’ll keep an eye on the monitor. Now, let’s check your vitals.”
The nurse proceeded to check Jocelyn’s blood pressure, heart rate, and pupils to be sure she didn’t have a concussion. Before she left, the nurse said, “Let me know if you need anything at all. Just push the call button.”
“Thanks.” Once she was gone, Jocelyn turned to Gavin. Her heart thundered in her chest, but she managed to pull her lips up.
He smiled back. “A baby? Really? My baby?”
“Yeah.” Her heart dropped. “Sorry I didn’t tell you.”
His eyes closed, and he sighed. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He ran his thumb across her knuckles. “I’m not mad. I just want to understand why you didn’t trust me.”
“I’m not sure. I was afraid?”
“Afraid of what? Haven’t you learned that you can trust me with anything?”
“I know I can… it’s not that.”
“Then what?”
“I’m not sure, but I guess there was part of me that just couldn’t face the truth, and by not telling you, it kept it from being so real.”
“Okay, I can see that.”
She looked across the room. There was something more she couldn’t quite put to words. “I think a part of me was also afraid of how you would react after what happened with Nikki.” Jocelyn turned back and watched as grief washed over his face. She hadn’t seen that grief in years. Her mind rewound the clock four years and moved down the hallway of the very floor of the hospital they were on now.
Jocelyn walked out of the hospital room into the quiet, sterile hallway. She ran her fingers through her hair. This couldn’t be happening. Nikki was so healthy. She hadn’t had a single drink in the last five months. She didn’t smoke. She exercised regularly and ate healthy. But it didn’t matter. Something had gone terribly wrong. Footsteps came toward her, and she saw Gavin and Patrick, both in uniform, all but running down the hall.
“Gavin!” She took a few steps and embraced her best friend’s husband.
“How are they?” Gavin asked as he wrapped his arms tightly around Jocelyn.
She pulled back. “There was so much blood. Nikki’s stable, but the baby…”
“What happened?”
“We were just sitting there at the kitchen table talking, and she had a sharp pain and then… blood. I called 911, but… Gavin, the baby was gone by the time they got her here. I’m so sorry.”
Gavin collapsed against her; she could barely support his weight. Even when they were teenagers, she had known that Gavin wanted to be a dad one day. But that wasn’t to be right now. She held him tight as the sobs shook his whole body.
Jocelyn glanced over at Patrick, but he didn’t seem grieved at all by his friend’s uncharacteristic show of emotion. He looked as if this was just a minor inconvenience to his night.
Gavin pulled back and wiped his face with his hand. “I guess I should go in there.”
She nodded but gripped his arm. “She’s not handling it well.” That was an understatement, but how was she going to tell him his wife had gone stark-raving mad in the last twenty minutes?
Gavin let out a soft sob, bringing Jocelyn back to the present. His voice cracked as he said, “She blamed herself, like somehow it was her fault her body didn’t carry the pregnancy. It didn’t matter how many times I told her it wasn’t, she never believed me.”
Jocelyn’s heart tightened. “She never told you?”
“Told me what?”
“Why she thought she lost the baby.”
“No. The most she said to me about it was that it was her fault.”
“I can’t believe she never told you.”
“She really didn’t talk to me at all after we lost the baby.”
“I guess I’m not surprised.”
“Well, are you going to tell me?”
“She had an abortion in college. The doctor was a little shady, and Nikki thought that might have caused her to lose the baby.”
Gavin’s eyes closed as the news hit him. “It all makes sense then.”
The nurse came back in the room. Jocelyn started to jerk her hand away, but Gavin simply squeezed it tighter. The nurse checked the monitor. “Looks like baby is doing well. You’ve had a few contractions, though, so I want to keep monitoring you for a little longer. I brought you some water.” She handed Jocelyn a Styrofoam cup and a straw. “We need to make sure you’re hydrating. You two doing all right? Is there anything I can get either of you?”
They both shook their heads.
“Okay. Again, don’t hesitate to ask. And so you know, you’ve got a few people, mostly other detectives, out in the waiting room. Would you like me to give them a status update?”
Jocelyn spoke up. “That would be good.”
“Someone in particular I should give the update to?”
“Becca Palmer.”
“Will do. The doctor is going to be in shortly to check on you, and I believe he’s going to order an ultrasound to make sure everything is as it should be.”
As the nurse left, Jocelyn turned to Gavin. “That means we’ll get to see our baby.”
Gavin’s smile stretched across his face. “Wow, our baby!” He took a deep breath and a solemn look came over his face. “What are we going to do?”
“I guess let the doctor do an ultrasound.”
He tilted his head to the side. “Not what I meant.”
She looked down at the hand he was still holding. She didn’t know what to do. “You got any clue?”
“I’ve only really known about the baby for, what, an hour? This is the first I’m thinking past the here and now.” A smile turned the corner of his eyes up. “But I do know we need to pray. And know that I’m here for you no matter what. If you’ll let me, I definitely want to be a part of the baby’s life.”
She squeezed his hand. “Of course.”
In lockup, Patrick sat, his arms folded across his chest. He was alone in the cell, and it was probably a good thing, at least for the guy in the cell opposite of him. He wasn’t sure what he would do if he could get his hands on someone, anyone. But really, he wanted Gavin, and Gavin’s head on a stick.
Gavin had violated every single unspoken rule of brotherhood. You did not sleep with a brother’s girl, especially his wife. Every vessel in Patrick’s body pulsed hard enough to fuel a rocket. And Jocelyn… that little tramp, she was going regret ever stepping out of line.
He took a deep breath. He needed to focus. Just like he did when he sat behind the scope of his sniper rifle. Calm and cool. Patient. They would get what’s coming.
The door down the hall opened. Sergeant Jared Johnson walked toward his cell along with the officer from outside lockup. The officer unlocked Patrick’s cell door, and Jared entered.
“Would you be willing to talk for a few minutes?”
“I want my lawyer before I say anything, thought I made that clear.”
“Not here in that capacity. I was wondering if you’d be willing to talk, or rather just listen, man-to-man.”
Patrick shrugged, more out of curiosity of what this dude would come up with than anything else. Could he trust this guy? He went to that same church Jocelyn had gotten herself caught up in.
“I get the anger thing.” He sat on the bench a few feet away from Patrick.
Patrick narrowed his eyes.
“I used to really struggle with it. It took a miracle from God for me to get a grip on it. But I had already lost everything.”
Patrick rolled his eyes. Jared wasn’t seriously going to try to tell him about God right now, was he?
“He changed my life. And if you want to know more, I’d love to tell you about it.”
“I’m good, thanks. I don’t need to hear about some stupid religion that’s got all y’all drinking the Kool-Aid. Get lost and tell my worthless tramp of a wife to get that abortion. And Riley, tell him to watch his back.”
CHAPTER TEN
Gavin’s heart swelled at the sound of Jocelyn’s soft laugh. Her hand was still in his as she sat in the hospital bed. The sound of the baby’s heartbeat quietly echoed in the background.
“You seriously didn’t realize the baby was yours?”
Gavin laughed at the way Jocelyn’s face scrunched while she asked the question.
“What are you laughing at?” She swatted his arm as she winked at him.
Being with her for the last hour had done his heart good. Talking about Nikki and the baby had been hard but healing too. “Your expression. I guess I didn’t think you were far enough along. Looking back, it does seem silly. It’s not like I thought it was anyone else. Part of me hoped I was.”
“I thought for sure that the moment you realized I was pregnant, you would know the baby was yours. But when you didn’t, I didn’t know what to do.”
He sighed. “While I get why you didn’t tell me right away, I still wish you had.”
She rubbed her thumb across his hand. “I wish I had too, but I just freaked. We should never have…”
“I know…”
Silence hung between them. He didn’t know what to say, much less what to do. He wished he could take her home and care for her and the baby. They could be a beautiful little family. But she was married. That fact dropped in his gut like a lead weight. And fresh shame swept over him. This was bad. He hung his head as tears filled his eyes.
Jocelyn squeezed his hand. He met her gaze. Tears were brimming in her eyes as well. “I read a verse before I fell asleep this afternoon. ‘There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.’ I was going to ask Becca how that applies to me. I know I belong to Christ, and I’ve turned back to Him, but we really messed up.”
The Holy Spirit nudged him, and the shame dissipated. “Romans 8. Jared and I were talking about that earlier this week. Condemnation comes from the devil. Conviction comes from the Holy Spirit. There is no condemnation for those who have repented and belong to Him, because He forgives us.”
“Okay. Repent. And then go and sin no more.”
“Exactly.”
“I have a feeling that’s going to be easier to preach about than do, at least for us.”
“Probably. And I’m pretty sure that’s not just us.” He smiled weakly at her. He wanted to talk about the future. He wanted to dream with her. But he couldn’t. Not yet. He shouldn’t let himself think about the fact that she had filed for divorce. She was still married, and as long as she was, dreams of the future were off limits.
The door to the hospital room opened and an older, middle-aged man in glasses entered the room. Gavin immediately recognized him as the doctor who had delivered his and Nikki’s stillborn. “Hey, Jocelyn.”
“Dr. Thomas, I didn’t realize you were in tonight.”
The doctor smiled at her. “Came in just for you, Jocelyn. Wanted to be sure you and the baby were okay.” He put his hand out to Gavin, who shook it as Dr. Thomas said, “Mr. Riley. Oh, it’s detective now, isn’t it?”
Gavin nodded.
“Congratulations. I presume you are the father?”
Gavin nodded again.
“Good. I’m glad you’re here with her.” He lifted the papers the monitor had been steadily spitting out since they hooked Jocelyn up to it. “Baby’s heart rate looks perfect. And your contractions seem to have stopped. That’s excellent.”
The door to the room opened again and another man in scrubs came in, pushing some sort of machine.
Dr. Thomas continued, “Let’s take a peek at baby. Gavin, have you gotten a chance to see the little one yet?”
“Not yet.”
Jocelyn added, “He just found out today.”
Dr. Thomas pulled the blanket down just enough to reveal Jocelyn’s baby bump. “Well, how exciting then. You’re eighteen weeks, right?”
Jocelyn nodded.
“Okay. We aren’t going to do a full ultrasound. We’ll still do that in the next week or two for the full anatomy scan. Today, we’re just going to make sure all is good with the baby. We’ll also make sure the placenta is healthy and intact after your fall. Baby doesn’t seem in distress at all, so it seems to me your body shielded him, or her, well. But we’ll take a peek at the wee one to be sure. Are you two interested in knowing the baby’s gender?”
Gavin looked at Jocelyn. Do we want to know?
Her eyes smiled back at him as if amused by his expression. She said, “We haven’t talked about that yet. I haven’t even really thought about it myself. I think I’m okay knowing or not knowing, either way. Gavin?”
“I just want to know the baby is okay.”
Dr. Thomas said, “Well, let’s just see. We won’t look for that specifically, but let’s make sure everything is good so you can go home and get some sleep.”
Jocelyn’s hand grew tighter around Gavin’s as the doctor lowered the back of her bed and began the ultrasound. He and Jocelyn both kept their eyes riveted to the small, black-and-white screen. Gavin only sort of knew what he was looking at. But when the baby’s little face appeared on the screen, he knew exactly what he was seeing. Joy flooded his being.
Gavin stepped out of the hospital room and leaned against the wall next to the door. Becca had just gone in to help Jocelyn get dressed to go home, so he had come out. But suddenly the whole situation was hitting him. He leaned his head back and pressed his lips together, eyes shut his, willing tears not to fall. Jocelyn needed him to stay strong right now. But he was crumbling.
He was going to be a dad but under completely unacceptable circumstances. He was stuck. How could they move forward?
What he needed to do was pray, but did he have any words? What was he supposed to say? Father, what do we do? I can’t let Jocelyn parent our child by herself. And I want desperately to be involved. But is that what’s best? How can we keep from falling into temptation when all I want to do is hold her close? How can we parent our child together if we can’t be together? I want to do right by them both, but I don’t know what that is.
“Riley.”
Gavin lifted his head to see Jared walking toward him. “Hey.”
Jared opened his arms and embraced Gavin. He received the hug from the man who was becoming like a big brother to him.
“How are you holding up?” Jared released Gavin.
He shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Overwhelmed.”
“I bet. Big news along with all that happened.”
Gavin half smiled. “Got to see the baby on the ultrasound.”
“Amazing, isn’t it?”
“It is. Nikki didn’t have an ultrasound before the baby died. It was scheduled, but we lost the baby before, so seeing Jocelyn’s and my baby was amazing.”
“Congratulations.”
“Really? I don’t expect anyone to say that.”
Jared smiled. “Of course. Having a baby is exciting, no matter
what happened to bring that child into the world. It’s still a blessing. How often has God used a child to redeem a situation?”
“No idea.”
“More than one occasion. He’ll make a way through this.”
While his head told him Jared was right, his heart was struggling to accept it.
“And before Jocelyn comes out, I wanted to let you know that Patrick’s bail hearing isn’t going to be until Monday morning, so we have until then to figure out how to best protect Jocelyn. I talked to Patrick this evening. I tried to reach out to him, but his heart is a block of ice. He’s out for blood, so we have to protect her.”
“I can’t say I blame him for being angry.” Gavin could only imagine how he’d feel if the situation was reversed.
The door opened. Becca wheeled Jocelyn out in a wheelchair. Gavin took the handles from Becca and rolled her quietly down the hall as Jared and Becca walked hand-in-hand. They passed through the secure doors and into the waiting room by the elevators. Amelia, Adam, and Ella were all there. Ella rushed to Jocelyn and hugged her.
Gavin’s heart warmed. All of their friends were rallying around them, despite the circumstances.
Jocelyn hugged Ella tightly from her wheelchair and tried not to wince. Her entire body ached, but she needed the hug. The thought of going home filled her with dread. Patrick was in lockup, but she was afraid. What was she going to do? He was going to come after her and Gavin at some point. And then there was the mess that Patrick made today. She had to go clean it up. If she would be able to move.
Ella pulled back, her eyebrows furrowed, and her eyes moved back and forth between Jocelyn’s. She clearly wanted to say something but didn’t know what.
Jocelyn answered the unasked question: “I’ll be okay.” Although she wasn’t sure she believed it herself.
“Are you sure? Is there anything I can do?”
“I… I don’t know. Pray?”
“Already on it.” Ella squeezed Jocelyn’s arm. “Let me know if you need anything.”
