by Nicola Jane
I place my hands on my hips. He doesn’t look at my naked body like he used to and he certainly doesn’t react how he once did. “When will you stop punishing me for Michelle’s mistakes?” I demand to know. “She left Ziggy because she was an addict. I’m not! I’d never leave the kids. You checked out on me and the kids long ago. Just because you’re still around, doesn’t mean you’re here.”
“You can’t just walk out on the kids when you feel like it. This is the reason I didn’t want you to fucking work. You forgot about them on your first day!” he yells.
“I can’t do this,” I say, tears suddenly filling my eyes. “Oh god, I can’t.” The realisation hits me like a tonne weight and I pick my clothes up and begin to dress again.
“What are you talking about?” he asks, confusion on his face.
“This,” I say, pointing back and forth between us. “It’s too hard.” I suck in a shaky breath and turn the shower off. I push past him and stand in the bedroom, wondering what to do first.
“What does that even mean?” he asks.
“It means I’ve got to get out of here,” I say.
“And go where?”
“Anywhere,” I say, grabbing a bag from the wardrobe. “I can’t pretend that this is okay anymore.”
“So you’re leaving me?”
I stop and stare at him. “Yes,” I confirm. “I’m leaving you.”
Chapter Three
ANNA
I haven’t even left and I feel lighter. Riggs watches as I pack up some clothes for me and the girls. Leia walks in and stops when she sees me stuffing clothes into a bag. “What's going on?” she asks.
“I’m leaving,” I say, adding a smile.
“What?” she screeches, glaring at Riggs. “And you’re just gonna let her?”
“Maybe it’s for the best,” he mumbles. I try not to let his words break me. This is the right decision for me and my girls. “Besides, we’ve been here before, haven’t we?” he asks, staring at me. “But you always come back.”
I smile, though it doesn’t reach my eyes. “But this is the first time I’ve felt happy to go, so what does that tell you?”
“No,” says Leia. “No, it’s not for the best. You haven’t tried to save it,” she says. “You could try counselling,” she suggests. “And what about your job? Who will watch the kids when you go to work?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about that yet, but I know I have to leave. I can’t stand living like this anymore.”
“Where will you go?” she asks.
“I don’t know,” I say and laugh. This is all so sudden, but I feel relieved. “A hotel, maybe a bedsit somewhere. Just until I find something.”
“You can’t take Willow into a bedsit,” wails Leia.
Riggs pulls out his wallet and takes out a stack of notes. He holds the bundle out and I stare at it. “Go to a hotel,” he says. “I’ll find a more permanent place for you by tomorrow.”
I smirk at his offer and shake my head, not making a move to take his money. “You own half of everything,” says Riggs. “Take the money.”
I pick up my bag and stare him in the eyes. “No. I don’t need it. I’ll make my own way. I did it before and I’ll do it again.”
“I don’t want the girls to go without,” he snaps. “Now’s not the time to be a martyr.”
I stop, keeping my back to him. “That’s what you think I’m trying to be?” I ask, slowly turning to face him. “I’ve spent my entire life fighting. For me, for my daughter, and now for both my girls. I thought you were the one. I’m not being a martyr by refusing your guilt money. I’m standing on my own two feet for once. I’m taking control of my life and I’m putting myself first. I’ll be in touch about contact with Willow,” I pause, “if you want contact, that is.”
“Of course I want contact with my daughter,” he snaps.
I laugh but it’s without humour. “She’s been right under your roof all this time and you’ve hardly spent any time with her. Don’t have contact because it’s what you think you have to do.”
“I love her,” he mutters.
“It’s just words, Finn,” I mumble. “Empty words.”
Riggs leaves. I’d like to think it’s because he can’t stand to watch me shove my life into bags but I think he just wants to be out of my way. I make quick work of packing up some toys and extra clothes for both girls. The door opens and Eva rushes in. “Is it true?”
I nod, unable to hold the tears back from my best friend. “I’ve been so miserable,” I mutter. “I can’t do it anymore.”
“I’ll come too,” she says, taking my hand.
I shake my head. “No, Cree loves you. You belong here.”
“But you’ll be on your own,” she whispers.
“It’s time for me to stand on my own two feet. No more men,” I say, forcing a smile. “I’m looking forward to the challenge.”
We head downstairs, where Vinn’s waiting. “Your chariot awaits, madam,” he says to me. When it’s clear I have no idea what he’s talking about, he looks to Leia.
“I asked for his help,” she explains. “He’s got houses and stuff.”
“You really don’t need to,” I say to Vinn, and he smiles fondly at Leia.
“You know I can’t say no to her,” he grins. Chains mutters something under his breath. He hates that the mafia kingpin has a soft spot for his ol’ lady.
Riggs takes Willow from Frankie and carries her to his office, snuggling his face against her. It breaks my heart, but there’s no way around it. I can’t leave my girls here and I can’t stay. I kiss Ziggy on the head. “I’ve gotta go away for a while,” I say and he touches my hair. “I’ll speak to Daddy about him letting you stay with us on the weekends and coming for dinner a few nights in the week?” He nods. It isn’t the first time Riggs and I have taken a break, so sadly, he’s used to this, but seeing the sorrow in his eyes hurts my heart. I question myself for the hundredth time, but I know deep down this is the right thing to do.
I wait a few minutes, then go to the office. “We’re leaving,” I say softly. Riggs nods, walking towards me with his face still close to Willow. “I’ll text you the address and we’ll sort out contact. I’d still really like to see Ziggy and I know he’d like to see Willow and Malia.”
“This doesn’t feel right,” he whispers. “I don’t know what to do to fix it.” For the first time, I see the lost boy look in his eyes and I hesitate. He wants to talk. I wait a few seconds, but he doesn’t continue, and I lose hope.
I take Willow from him. “It’s not because I don’t love you,” I say, quietly. “It’s because I love you too much. I can’t stay around while we destroy each other. My heart can’t take it.”
Vinn hands me the keys as I stand in the living room, looking around in awe. This place is amazing and situated ten minutes from the clubhouse. “Are you sure?” I ask.
“Yeah. It was standing empty. It may as well go to some use.”
“What sort of rent are you looking for?” I ask warily, knowing this place is out of my price range.
“You’re Riggs’ ol’ lady. This place is rent-free for you.”
I shake my head. “No, I’ll pay.”
“If anyone is gonna pay, it’ll be him. I’m not taking money from you.”
“Vinn, I’ve left Riggs. He can’t pay my rent,” I say, laughing. “The whole point is to get my independence back.”
“Get back on your feet and we’ll discuss it.”
I watch him leave and lock the door behind him, then I let out a breath. This morning, I had no idea this is where I’d end up.
I call my boss and explain my situation. Without childcare, I can’t work, and I don’t want to keep running to the club for help. I want Riggs to see I can stand on my own two feet, and who knows, maybe I’ll learn to be strong again. To get me through financially, I have an account that my ex set up. It’s got more than enough money in it, but so far, I haven’t touched it. The idea
was I’d save it for Malia, but this is an emergency and I’ll work hard to pay every penny back once I’m back on my feet.
I’m making dinner when there’s a knock at the door. Cree greets me with a smile. “Riggs asked me to bring Willow’s crib,” he says. It’s a nice thing to do, but it sends a stab to my heart.
“Great,” I say, forcing a smile. He goes back to his van, returns with the crib, and I take it. It’s a travel one, so it pops up easily. “Is he okay?” I ask quietly.
“You know Riggs,” he mutters. “He’s locked away in his office.”
“Look after him for me, Cree.”
“This ain’t forever, Anna,” he says and I smile.
It is.
RIGGS
It was the perfect time to tell her. I could have said the words and it would have explained everything. They were on the tip of my tongue and then she shut me down, and who can blame her? I’ve fucked up so bad, even I don’t wanna talk to me. I stare at my phone, willing it to ring. I’d got Willow’s crib and was stepping out of the club to take it myself, but then Eva stopped me, telling me to give Anna space.
Space. That one little word means so much.
Cree enters the office without an invite and flops onto the chair opposite me. “Well, what a clusterfuck.”
“Helpful,” I mutter. “Are they your words of wisdom for the day?”
“I sat back when Michelle screwed you over. I hated that bitch and I was glad she fucking left. My only regret is not being honest with you back then and telling you what a blood sucking leech she really was. But Anna is—”
“Gone,” I snap, cutting his words off. “I don’t need to hear how fucking amazing she is, brother. I know all that shit. But she’s gone, just like Michelle went. The only blessing is, she’ll take care of my kid and I ain’t gotta lose sleep wondering if Willow is okay.”
“I don’t get it,” he utters.
“You don’t need to. What happened to you hating talking about feelings and shit? Stick to what you’re good at, brother. Be my VP, not my fucking counsellor.”
“Shit, Pres. Ain’t that what I’m doing right now? Being your VP. That’s why I’m here feeling uncomfortable and shit. Telling you you’re an arse. Letting her go is your biggest mistake yet, and trust me, you’ve made a few of those just lately.”
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” I yell.
Cree stands and heads for the door. “Take a look at yourself. This place is falling to shit and you lock yourself away in here. That’s your answer. You’re not leading this club right now, Riggs.”
“Are you shitting me?” I growl. “I cleared the deal with Vinn and Blu.”
“That was all Blu’s doing, Pres. Without him, we would have lost the shipments and you know it. You gotta sort your shit out.” He heads back towards the desk and places a business card down. He slides it towards me. “Call her. You told me she’d sort me out and she did. Now, it’s your turn to get some help cos I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, but shit’s gotta change.”
I let him leave before picking up the business card. It brings a smile to my face. “What an arse,” I mutter, out loud.
I stare up at the building before me. It’s not how I pictured a place like this. I press the buzzer and a female voice asks me how she can help. I snigger, because she can’t help me, but for the good of the club, I’ve agreed to this bullshit. “Finn James to see Eleanor Chapman.”
The door clicks open and I go inside, taking a seat in a small waiting area where the receptionist clicks away at speed on her computer keyboard. Eventually, a side door opens and a female steps out. She’s stunning. Long, wavy dark hair, a pencil skirt with a white blouse tucked inside, and thick-rimmed glasses perched on her nose. Fuck, she looks like something out of a porn film. Funny that Cree never mentioned that part.
“Finn,” she smiles warmly. “Come in.”
Inside, the room is exactly what I pictured—a posh-looking couch by a bookcase and a comfy chair next to it. I smirk and shake my head at the irony. “Something amuse you?” she asks with a smile. She takes a seat in the comfy chair and points to the posh couch.
“It’s all very,” I wave my hand around the room, “cliché”
She smiles again, looking around the room. “I guess it is. So, tell me what brings you here.”
I sit on a stool because I don’t wanna get too comfy. I don’t plan to be here long cos honestly, what the hell is this woman gonna do to make me sort my life out? Unless she can work a miracle.
“My brother is a client of yours. He told me to come.”
“Let me guess,” she says. “Elijah?” I nod. “I recognised the badges,” she says, pointing her pen at my kutte.
“Seems to think you helped him, but I remember the arguments I had cos he didn’t think he needed you. Only, he had to come to meet terms set out by the courthouse.”
She nods in agreement. “I gave him a very good report. He finished his probation.”
“But he still sees you,” I state.
“Umm, you know I can’t tell you things like that,” she says. “Why did Elijah tell you to come and see me?”
“He thinks I’m having some kind of breakdown,” I mutter.
“Do you think that?” she asks, and I shake my head. “But you still came here,” she says thoughtfully.
“I need to get Cree off my back. He’s upset because me and Anna have split.”
“Anna’s your?” she asks.
“Wife.”
“Married for how long?” she asks.
“Not long enough,” I mutter.
“You didn’t want to break up?” she asks.
I take a minute to think about it. “I don’t know what I want anymore. Loving Anna makes me weak. I can’t lead the club when I’m weak.”
“Yet you love her anyway, even though you broke up.”
“But that’ll stop. One day. Love doesn’t last forever.”
Chapter Four
ANNA
I look over the paperwork and smile as I sign my name on the dotted line then hand it to the tutor. “I think online learning is the best idea. You can work it around your life, kids, and work. I’m here anytime you need anything. Just email me at this address.” She hands me a card and I tuck it inside my bag.
As I leave the college building, I feel a flicker of hope. This is a new beginning. I can do this! I’m busy texting while I walk, so I don’t see him until I almost crash against his hard chest. “Anna,” says Riggs. His voice still sends shivers throughout my body. I suck in a breath and stare up into his light blue eyes. Everything about this man makes me weak. “Where are the kids?”
“School, and Eva has Willow.”
He nods. “You look nice.” I’m thankful I made an effort for this meeting. I wanted the college to see me as determined and focussed rather than a crazy-haired mummy. I chose the tight-fitting jeans because it’s the first time I’ve been able to squeeze into them since I’d gotten pregnant with Willow. I teamed them with a strappy top and leather jacket. Call me a sucker, but the smell of leather keeps me grounded. Eva did my hair this morning when she came over first thing to make sure I was dressed right for the meeting. She was more nervous than me. She’d given me a trim and cut bangs, saying they framed my face. “I like your hair like that,” he adds.
“How’s Ziggy?” I ask, because I can’t listen to him say those nice things without wanting to cling to him.
“Missing you. I said I’d call about him coming to see you.”
“I’ll have him whenever is good with you. I miss him too.”
I look behind Riggs to the old building he’d just exited. On the call buttons, the name Eleanor Chapman is highlighted. A stab of jealousy hits me, followed by fear. What if she’s a solicitor? What if he’s been to see her about a divorce?
“Are the girls okay?” he asks.
I nod. I hate this small talk. If he wants to divorce me, why won’t he just say it? I feel my eyes
water and I blink quickly. “I’m doing a course,” I blurt out, mainly just trying desperately to fill the awkward silence. “Management.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Like college?”
I nod. “Eva’s idea. I always wanted to go back to college, but life seemed to get in the way. Reggie wouldn’t let me . . .” I trail off. I haven’t spoken about Reggie for such a long time.
“I’m nothing like him, Anna. If you wanted to go to college, you could have gone,” he snaps. Why does every conversation feel like an argument?
“We never laugh anymore,” I say, absentmindedly. “When did we stop laughing?”
“You never said you wanted to go to college,” he mutters.
“I forgot. I was swept up in the kids and being a good wife. I guess I messed that up,” I say, adding a small laugh.
“You didn’t . . . mess it up, I mean.”
“Then why are we behaving like we hardly know each other? Scared to say the wrong thing?” I take a deep breath. “I’ve deleted your phone number.” He frowns but doesn’t ask why. Maybe it’s obvious. “I don’t want to break down after a glass of wine and call you. I have a moment at least five zillion times a day where I think ‘I should tell Riggs about this’ and then I remember, I can’t do that.”
“You can,” he says. “Anytime.”
“I can’t. Not if we’re serious about this. I’m too weak for you. Anyway, when you want Willow, you’ll have to call me.”
“What if there’s an emergency?” he asks.
“I’ll call someone at the club,” I say.
“What if you’re in danger?” he adds.
I smile. “I’ll call the cops. That’s what normal people do, right?”
“Anna, you know what I mean. What if you’re targeted because of your connection to the club?”
“I’ll call Vinn.”
Riggs scoffs. “Good old Vinn. Saved the day with a place to live and on call if you need him.”
