by Nicola Jane
“Not about any of that,” he snaps. “I wanna work on us. I can’t talk to you,” he complains.
“I never stopped listening,” I snap. “You stopped talking to me and I tried to get you to open up. You went from loving me so fiercely to ignoring me.”
“I had shit to deal with,” he says bitterly.
“It’s all you ever say. You had shit going on, so it meant I had to accept being treated like crap. Well, I've been there before and I refuse to do it again.”
He pushes his face in mine. “I am nothing like Reggie. Don’t fucking compare me to him. I loved you, but I couldn’t tell you everything.”
“Loved,” I repeat, sucking in a breath, and he steps back. “You said loved, not love.” We stare at each other. I place my hand over my throbbing cheek, the pain reminding me of days I spent with Reggie and his violent temper. “We don’t need to go to counselling. You’ve made yourself clear.”
RIGGS
I storm out of the bar, punching the wall and then growling in pain. Shit! I need to get a grip. I ain’t punched walls since I was a teenager. I shake my hand out and pace.
I couldn’t take my eyes off Anna all evening. Seeing her so animated and alive was a beautiful sight. It reminded me of the very first time I saw her, when she marched into my bar demanding I keep my son away from her daughter.
I have two more sessions left at the hospital, two more sessions and my nightmare might be over.
When Anna steps out and locks up, I convince her to get on my bike. It’s been so long since she’s wrapped her arms around me and held on tight, that I drive the long way to the club, ignoring her when she demands to know why we’re going there and not her house. As soon as I park up the bike, she jumps off and pushes her helmet into my chest. “What the hell are you doing?”
A few of the guys are standing outside having a cigarette, pretending not to listen in. “I thought you’d want to be here for the kids tomorrow?”
“Bullshit,” she snaps. “Your mum is dropping them for me tomorrow, you knew that.”
“I have an appointment with Eleanor first thing. You’re coming too.”
“Who?” she growls.
“My counsellor.”
She grips her fists into balls and her face reddens with rage. “You can’t force me to go there. How dare you just decide what I’m doing.”
“I can and I am,” I say confidently. She begins to march towards the gates and I smile to myself. I love it when she’s angry like this. I feel my cock stir. It takes me by surprise cos since my treatment started, I’ve been lucky to even get half a semi. I race after her, snatching her arm and spinning her to me, then I bend and throw her over my shoulder like a rag doll and march with her into the club.
I head straight for our room. It’s exactly how she left it because I haven’t slept in here since she walked out. I throw her on the unmade bed and she bounces a couple of times before pushing herself up to sit. “You can’t make all this right. We’re over,” she mutters.
“We’ll see,” I say, shrugging out of my kutte.
“I’ve told you a million times, I can’t put myself through it anymore. Your moods and temper. I can’t live on the edge like that wondering if you’ll wake up loving me or hating me.”
I stop undressing and stare down at her. “I’ve been fucking up for months. I know I have. Shit’s got on top of me with the club and Leia.” I shake my head. “I’ve not been myself.”
“Stop talking,” she mutters.
“But I want to make it right. I want us to try and sort this mess out. I want to be there for you and the kids.”
“I said, stop talking.”
“Anna—”
She pushes up from the bed. “I said, stop fucking talking,” she hisses. She prods a finger to my chest. “Months, I’ve cried over you. I’ve begged you to talk to me. I’ve degraded myself to try and get you to fuckin’ notice me and you haven’t. I’ve left three times. Three!” Her face is red with anger as she continues to prod my chest. “And I am done! I don’t want to hear how you’re sorry. How you had shit to deal with, because guess what, so did I. You were so busy avoiding me that you forgot I was carrying your child. You stood there,” she says, pointing to a spot on the bedroom floor, “and watched me pack up my clothes, crying and telling you I was done. You didn’t stop me. Yah know why?” she asks, and I shake my head, scared to interrupt her rant. “Because you stopped loving me.” I try to protest, but she holds up her hand and I think better of it. “And I’m okay with that.”
Now would be the right time to explain myself. I open my mouth to say the words but they don’t come. I try a second time and she stares expectantly but I close my mouth. I don’t want her to come back out of pity. Once the treatment is finished, I don’t have to tell her a thing. “I’m sorry you think that,” I eventually say, “but we’re going to the counsellor tomorrow. Now, get some sleep.”
Her eyes widen and I turn away, continuing to undress. “Did you sleep with someone else?” she asks. “I’ve been wanting to ask since the first time you rejected me. I was wearing a new red lace bodice. You looked me up and down and told me you weren’t feeling well. I watched you get into bed and turn your back to me. I asked you what was wrong and you said I wouldn’t understand.”
“I remember,” I mutter. She looked sexy and it killed me to turn her away, but it was my first day of treatment and I was so tired and weak.
“And I cried silent tears beside you, wondering if you’d had sex with another woman and guilt was eating you alive. Is that it? Did you cheat?”
“I haven’t had sex with another woman,” I say firmly. “I haven’t cheated on you.”
“Except with Raven,” she says.
“Not even with Raven,” I confirm.
“Just because we separated, doesn’t mean it’s okay to have sex with another woman. We’re still married.”
“I haven’t had sex with her,” I say. “I swear on Ziggy’s life.”
“I don’t even know why we’re discussing this. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Have you had sex with another man?” I ask and brace myself for her answer.
“Would you give a shit if I had?” she asks.
My fists clench and hot rage burns through my body. “I’d kill any man who laid a finger on you. You’re mine,” I hiss.
She rolls her eyes. “To think that used to make me feel safe and loved. Now, it boils my blood.”
“We’re getting nowhere like this.” I sigh. “Let’s sleep. We can talk tomorrow.”
She shakes her head. “No.”
“No?” I repeat.
She pushes past me and heads for the door. “I need a drink.”
Chapter Seven
ANNA
“Someone looks tired,” says Eva.
“Why are you still awake?” I ask, looking around the club bar. It’s almost one in the morning and the club is quiet with only a few brothers hanging around.
“Sometimes I just need space, yah know?” she mutters.
I frown. “Things okay with you and Cree?” I ask.
She nods and forces a smile. “Things are good,” she says and I raise a brow in doubt. She’s quick to put me right. “No, they really are. I’ve just never had a guy be so full-on. He’s . . .” she pauses, looking for the right word. “Obsessed.”
“With you or sex?”
“Both,” she says, smiling. “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing cos I love him, I really love him, but sometimes he’s too much and I have to take a break. He’s always nearby, always within my eyeline. In bed, he wraps himself around me, it’s like he’s scared I’m gonna disappear.”
“Have you talked to him about it?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “He doesn’t like to talk, you know what he’s like. I’m thinking of speaking to his counsellor,” she says.
I roll my eyes. “Maybe I can help there. Riggs is forcing me into seeing her with him.”
“He can’
t force you to talk,” she says, shrugging.
“A part of me wants to go just so I can say it in front of her. Maybe then she can explain it to him because he sure as shit isn’t understanding it from me,” I mutter.
“Say what?”
“That I’m done. That I’m happy, and for once in my life, it doesn’t involve a man.”
“Wow,” says Eva. “That’s huge. Good for you. You don’t love him?”
“I’ll always love him. But I’m done trying to be his wife. He’s hurt me too much. At least with Reggie, I knew what he was like. His physical abuse was what I expected. Riggs, he drew me in and then turned. He’s hurt me more than Reggie’s fists ever could.”
Eva sucks in a breath and her eyes widen. I wince and slowly turn to see who she’s looking at, even though I’ve already guessed that Riggs is there. He stares at me for a long minute, a range of emotions pass over his face. “I’ll take you home,” he mutters. My heart twinges again and Eva gives me a sympathetic smile.
Outside, he hands me a helmet and gets on the bike without looking at me. I stand beside him. “Riggs,” I begin.
“Forget it, Anna. Get on.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“I know what you meant. Get on.” He’s staring straight ahead rigidly and his hands are gripping the handlebars tight. I decide it isn’t worth pushing and I get on the bike. He shifts uncomfortably, stiffening when I wrap my arms around him. It breaks my heart all over again, reminding me of how things got between us before I left.
He stops outside my house but makes no move to get off the bike. I hand him my helmet and smile sadly. “If I knew you were there, I wouldn’t have been so harsh,” I say.
“Then maybe it’s a good thing I was. Sorry I was so pushy. I’ll go and see my solicitor after my session with Eleanor tomorrow. I’ll get the papers drawn up.” He drives off before I can answer him.
The sun rises and I haven’t had a wink of sleep. I send a text off to Frankie, asking her to hold onto the girls a while longer. I hit the gym hard, something I haven’t done for a long time. I head home after and change into jeans and a soft pink knitted jumper. I want to look presentable, although I’m not sure why it matters.
I finally arrive and wait outside patiently. At exactly ten, Riggs stops his bike outside Eleanor’s office. His eyes narrow on me as he pulls his helmet off. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
I knew he’d react badly, because he lashes out with words when he’s hurt. “Are we going inside or what?” I ask.
“You made yourself perfectly clear last night, Anna. I’m seeing my solicitor straight after this appointment.”
“Then maybe we can go together.” I smile and head up the steps, pressing the buzzer to Eleanor’s office.
Eleanor smiles warmly. Riggs stares out of the large office window as I take a seat. “It’s so good to finally meet you, Anna. Riggs wasn’t sure you’d come.”
“I almost didn’t,” I admit. “I sat up the whole night thinking of reasons not to come.”
“But you came. What was the reason for that?” she asks.
I glance over at Riggs, who’s watching me from the corner of his eye. “I guess if there’s still love, there’s still hope, right?”
Eleanor smiles, nodding. “I agree. How do you feel, Finn?”
“Numb,” he mutters. “Pissed.”
“You wanted Anna to come,” says Eleanor.
“I overheard her comparing me to her abusive ex last night. She’s here right now out of guilt.”
“That’s not true,” I mutter. “I didn’t mean to compare you. I was just telling Eva that you’ve hurt me so much more by pushing me away than Reggie ever did by hitting me. It wasn’t how I wanted it to sound.”
“You’re allowed to feel that way,” says Eleanor. “We all feel pain differently. You’re feeling that mentally your pain is worse than physical pain.” I nod in agreement. “That’s because you feel the aftermath of a physical pain, say a bruise, is easier to heal than your heart.” I nod again. She’s good.
“Forget all the bullshit,” snaps Riggs and we both turn to him. “Are we done or not?”
I hesitate and he sneers. Eleanor takes a breath and releases it slowly. “Anna is here, that counts for something. It sounds like you’ve both said some hurtful things in the past. If we keep going over them, you’ll never move forward. Anna, would you be willing to see me separately sometime?” she asks.
“I don’t . . . urm . . . think that—”
“She doesn’t think it’s her thing,” snaps Riggs.
“I’d like to see you just once, and if you still feel the same, then don’t come back,” says Eleanor, smiling. “Free of charge for the first session.”
I find myself nodding. “Tell you what, have this session,” says Riggs, heading for the door. “It’s clear we don’t need it.”
I stand to go after him, but Eleanor shakes her head. “He walks out a lot,” she says. “I challenge his thinking and he sometimes takes a breather. He’ll be back.”
“He’s so hot headed,” I mutter.
“I imagine that can take its toll on your relationship.”
“Lately, I don’t know which Riggs will surface. Some days he’s amazing, and others, he can barely look at me. He used to be so in love with me, he’d suffocate me with affection.”
“Can you think back to a time in your relationship when that stopped?”
I nod. “The day I announced I was pregnant with Willow.”
“Did Riggs want a child?”
I shake my head. “We agreed to wait, but I was sick and missed the pill. It wasn’t intentional, but when I did the test, I thought he’d be pleased. Or at least, if he wasn’t, he’d come around to the idea.”
“And he didn’t?” she asks.
“No. He accused me of trying to trap him. Said I’d gotten pregnant on purpose. I’m sure he told you about Michelle and how she left him and Ziggy.” Eleanor nods. “So I understand why he panicked. He’s been through a lot.”
“It sounds like you have too,” she says. “Your ex doesn’t sound like a nice man.”
I haven’t thought about Reggie properly in such a long time. Since I left Riggs, I’ve started getting letters from him. I haven’t opened any, but I know his handwriting. I knew he’d resurface once I touched his money. The fact he has my address doesn’t even surprise me anymore. “He can’t hurt me anymore. He’ll never get out of prison again.”
“Sometimes, when men treat us badly, it can scar us in other ways.”
I shrug. “I’ve been mistreated by men most of my life, so I’m used to it.”
“When Finn let you down by accusing you of trapping him, that wasn’t a surprise to you?” she asks.
“It was,” I say. “But I guess him letting me down wasn’t. I thought he’d be happy when I told him. When it became clear he wasn’t going to come around, I realised he was just another arse to let me down. But I got over it. I’m a good mum, and Willow and Malia will be fine. I used to think I needed a man in my life, but I’m seeing now that I don’t.”
“Do you have contact with Reggie?”
I shake my head. “He writes, but I don’t open his letters.”
“Does Finn know about the letters?” she asks and I shake my head again. “How would he react to that news?”
“Right now?” I ask and she nods. “He wouldn’t care.”
“Why do you think he asked you to come to this session?”
I shrug. “Maybe so he can say he tried. The old ladies at the club give him hassle about our break-up. They blame him. It was both of us, but they blame him.”
“Both of you?” she asks.
“I should have taken precautions after the unprotected sex, after I was sick. I thought it would be fine, but it wasn’t. When he told me he wasn’t happy about the pregnancy, I should have taken care of it.”
“An abortion?”
“Maybe. It’s all such a mess. He’s not himself and
he doesn’t talk to me. I don’t know how to help him. Frankie, his mum, tells me it’s just how the men in the club get. Club life can be brutal for them and I should just be there for him. I try, I really do. Maybe I’m not cut out for club life. I’m not good enough or strong enough to be someone's old lady, especially not the president.”
“You’re stronger than you realize,” says Eleanor. “You chose to leave two men and put you and your children first. That takes strength. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
RIGGS
I sit on the wall, waiting patiently for Anna. She’s been in there over an hour and I wonder what the fuck they found to talk about. When she finally surfaces, I see she’s been crying. I jump off the wall and head for my bike. When she doesn’t follow, I narrow my eyes. “Thought you wanted to come to the solicitor’s?”
“Let’s leave that for now,” she mutters.
“I think we should go, at least get the ball rolling,” I say. She eventually nods and gets on the bike.
The solicitor is blunt. He gives us some advice but tells us we need separate solicitors, that he can’t advise us both because it’s a conflict of interests. We leave feeling deflated and we’re both quiet. I check my watch. “I have an appointment. I don’t have time to take you home. I’ll get you a cab,” I say.
“No, it’s fine. I’m going to see my friend and then I’m meeting your mum with the kids.”
I nod and kiss her on the forehead. It’s a natural thing to do and it feels bittersweet. “Thanks for coming today. Are you seeing her again?”
Anna shrugs. “I don’t know.” She begins to walk away and then turns back to face me. “Reggie has written to me. I know you hate secrets and I feel like it’s something I should tell you.”
“How long has he been writing? What does he want?”
