by Ali McNamara
I just stare at the man in front of me, and he does the same to me.
‘Hello, Amelia,’ he says eventually. ‘It’s been a while.’
‘Hello, Toby,’ I reply, my voice barely audible. ‘Or should I call you Graham?’
Forty-five
Tom and Benji stand silently next to us as the stare-off continues.
‘Do you two already know each other?’ Benji finally asks.
‘You could say that,’ I reply, still glaring at the man opposite.
‘Wait,’ Tom suddenly asks. ‘You called him Graham. Is he that Graham?’
I nod.
‘What Graham?’ Benji asks, looking perplexed. ‘This is Toby.’
‘That’s what you’re calling yourself now, is it?’ I say scathingly. ‘I heard you’d changed your name, amongst other things.’
‘Please, I really don’t understand. What is going on here?’ Benji asks again.
‘This . . . person,’ Tom says carefully, ‘is Amelia’s ex-husband, I believe. The one that abandoned her and Charlie.’
Graham glances warily at Tom, sensing his anger.
‘What? No, it can’t be,’ Benji says, sounding horrified. ‘Toby?’
‘It’s true,’ Graham says. ‘I’m sorry, Benji, but when you told me all about Chesterford Castle, and mentioned the owner was called Amelia and she had a son called Charlie, I just knew it had to be them. Amelia is right: when I left her I changed my name to Toby so I could start afresh without anyone knowing me.’
‘I ought to knock your block off,’ Tom says, squaring up to him. ‘How could you just abandon them like that? Whatever your issues were, you were a coward running away from your problems.’
‘What would you know?’ Graham says, looking angrily at Tom. To my surprise he doesn’t back away from him, even though Tom is taller, broader and would surely throw a far harder punch than Graham could muster. ‘Look at you; you couldn’t possibly understand what I went through.’
‘Actually, I do understand,’ Tom says. ‘I understand a lot more than you think I do. But you still shouldn’t have walked away, leaving your wife and son like that. Have you no honour, man?’
‘Tom, I appreciate you standing up for me like this, really I do,’ I say, putting my hand across his chest to pull him back a little, ‘but I’m strong enough to fight my own battles.’
Tom glares at Graham again before stepping away.
Benji is standing back from us a little, looking extremely agitated.
‘Benji, did you know?’ I ask him.
Benji shakes his head, clearly perplexed.
‘Did you know that Graham – I mean Toby – had just left his wife and child when you hooked up with him? You said he’d not long come out when you met him. In fact, you said he’d just come out of a difficult relationship.’
I glare once more at Graham, who at least has the decency to look ashamed.
‘No! Of course I didn’t know,’ Benji says, looking horrified.
‘I just wondered if that’s why you were so kind to Charlie and me when you met us, because you felt guilty that you’d been part of something similar before?’
‘Amelia, how can you even ask that?’ Benji says, looking hurt now. ‘I think the world of you and Charlie, you know that.’
I just nod. I need time to process all this.
‘How is Charlie?’ Graham suddenly asks. ‘Is he around?’
‘No! You’re not seeing him,’ I shout, finally losing my composure now Charlie has been mentioned. ‘You . . . you have no right . . . no right at all to have anything to do with either of us any more.’ My voice, loud as it is, begins to tremble. ‘Do you hear me?’ I say to Benji and Tom. ‘He’s having nothing to do with Charlie! Nothing!’
I turn and I run. I’m not sure where I’m running to, but as I cross the gravel I just know I have to get away. I have to find Charlie and keep him safe from this man who has invaded both our castle and our home.
It takes me only a few minutes to remember that Charlie is at school right now in the village, and is, for the moment, safe from Graham.
So I head to the only place I know I’ll be able to get some peace for a while and think – the beach.
Even though it’s a warmish yet cloudy day, the beach to my utter relief is almost deserted, so I pull off my shoes and walk barefoot across the sand, breathing heavily, not only from the speed at which I’ve run here but from the shock I’ve just experienced.
Why did Graham have to try to come back into our lives now? After all this time, just when things were starting to go well for us for once, he had to turn up again.
I kick angrily at the sand under my feet. Soft grains fly up in the air and land again almost as smoothly as before I’d kicked at them.
So I kick again, and the same thing happens – the beach simply smooths out my anger as soon as the grains land back down with the others.
Perhaps life is a bit like that too? I think, feeling myself beginning to calm. As much as something tries to disturb the sands of your life, they can only do so if you let them.
So what if Graham has found us? It doesn’t mean he has the right to disrupt our lives. He can only do that if I let him.
And that is not going to happen.
I sit for a while against the side of one of the sand dunes that line the edge of the beach, letting the rhythmical sound of the waves calm my angry mind and soothe my worried soul. I wonder how many of my ancestors must have done the same when faced with a troubling time or a difficult decision.
The castle isn’t the only thing that has stood solidly in this area for hundreds of years; the sea and this beach in Rainbow Bay had been here for thousands of years before it.
‘How many troubles and anxieties must you have absorbed over time?’ I ask the grains of sand that slide easily through my fingers. ‘There must be the worries of thousands buried deep beneath your surface.’
‘Hello, miss,’ I hear from up above me. ‘You okay down there?’
I look up and see Joey clambering down over the dunes.
‘Yes, fine, Joey; thanks!’ I call back, still wanting to be alone with my thoughts.
But Joey continues to clamber across the sand until he reaches me. ‘I heard there was a bit of a ruckus in the courtyard,’ he says, sitting down next to me. ‘What’s going down with your ex? Me and Tom can soon see him off if you want us to – he won’t come bothering you again,’ he says knowingly.
‘Oh, Joey,’ I say gratefully, ‘it’s very good of you to offer, but I don’t think that’s going to be necessary.’
Joey shrugs. ‘The offer’s there if you want it.’
‘Thank you. I appreciate it.’
We sit without speaking for a few moments, the only sound between us the calling of the gulls above, and the never-ending waves continuing to wash along the sand.
‘Married to him, were ye?’ Joey asks after he’s sat thoughtfully for a while. ‘This Graham?’
I nod.
‘And he’s Charlie’s father?’
‘Yes.’
‘Hmm, that’s makes it tricky, then.’
‘It does indeed.’
Joey sits quietly again for a bit, as if he’s gathering his thoughts.
‘Look, miss—’ he says eventually, finding his voice.
‘Amelia, please, Joey. You know I prefer that.’
‘Sorry. So, mi— I mean, Amelia, I don’t want to talk out of turn, but the thing is my father walked out on me mam and me when I was a bairn too.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.’
Joey shrugs. ‘As it turns out we were better off without him. I found out afterwards he hit me mam.’
‘No, that’s terrible, your poor mother. But not you?’ I ask gently, trying not to appear as if I’m prying.
‘Nah, not me, luckily. But like I said, after he left I was sad I hadn’t got a dad, but I soon realised me mam was better without him. She was happier, and a lot less bruised!’
‘Ind
eed.’
‘But the thing is I always wondered about him, you know?’
‘Did you ever see him again?’
‘Nope. Apparently he died a couple of years ago, up north in Glasgow of all places. We didn’t find out until later, so we didn’t go to the funeral or anything. Well, me mam wouldn’t have gone, but I might.’
‘Even after what he’d done?’
‘Even after that. He was still me dad, wasn’t he? People don’t stop being your parents just because they do something bad. You might not like them as much, but they’re still your mam and dad.’
‘My father died when I was young too,’ I tell him. ‘He was still with my mum then, so it was hard for all of us.’
‘Bet you still miss him,’ Joey says perceptively.
‘Yes I do. I miss them both – Mum has passed now too.’
‘Terrible that is – both your parents gone.’ Joey thinks about this for a moment. ‘You wouldn’t want that for Charlie, now, would you?’
I shake my head.
‘So even though you might hate this fella Graham, he’s still Charlie’s dad, and Charlie might want to know him.’
‘I suppose . . . ’
‘He didn’t hit you, though, did he?’ Joey asks, suddenly on the defensive again. ‘Cos if he did, I don’t think I’d be able, or even want, to hold Tom back. He’s livid enough back there in the castle. Dorothy is trying to calm him down with a cup of tea, but I think she might need an elephant-size tranquilliser dart, he’s so worked up.’
‘Oh Tom . . . ’ I say, sighing as I think about him.
‘He thinks the world of you and Charlie – we all do, actually – but Tom, I think, especially so, if you get my meaning?’
‘Yes, Joey, I understand. I think the world of Tom too.’
‘Good. So this Graham fella isn’t getting any sort of look-in?’
‘Oh no, definitely not. I don’t think he’d ever be interested in me any more – if you get my meaning?’
‘Why not? There’s nothing wrong with you, miss. Nothing at all.’ Joey looks me up and down approvingly.
‘Thanks for the vote of confidence, Joey, but Graham isn’t interested in any women these days . . . ’ I wait for the penny to drop.
‘Oh . . . ’ Joey nods perceptively. ‘Makes sense.’
‘Does it?’ I ask. ‘Does any of it, really?’
‘Just do what you think is right, Miss Amelia,’ Joey says, tapping my shoulder. ‘That’s usually the best thing, in my experience.’
‘But that’s the trouble, Joey; every time I’ve tried to do the right thing since I came here, the right thing just doesn’t work out for me. Something always gets in the way. I can’t do right for doing wrong.’
‘Then I can only say one thing to you,’ Joey says in a serious voice.
‘What’s that?’
‘You’re screwed,’ he says pragmatically, ‘whichever way you turn.’
‘Never have you said a truer word, Joey.’ I agree. ‘Never have you said a truer word.’
Forty-six
Joey and I walk back to the castle together, me wondering all the way what I’m going to find when I get back.
But what I find is nothing, just a very calm castle carrying on its business as usual.
‘They were taking him inside somewhere when I last spoke to Arthur,’ Joey says, reading my thoughts. ‘Tom went down to the kitchen with Dorothy, and Benji took this Graham in the opposite direction.’
‘To the dungeons?’ I ask hopefully.
Joey looks at me, his eyes wide.
‘I’m joking, Joey,’ I assure him, only half meaning it. How fabulous would that be, to be able to dispose of your enemies simply by sending them down to your own personal dungeon to rot away?
But I know I wouldn’t have been able to condemn anyone to that fate. Even Graham, who although he’s definitely my worst enemy, as Joey had rightly pointed out, is also Charlie’s father.
‘Ah good,’ Joey says, relieved. ‘Although I wouldn’t blame you for feeling that way at all. Life might have been more brutal centuries ago, but it was a lot simpler too.’
‘It was indeed. I guess I’d better go and find Benji.’
‘No,’ Joey insists, holding up his hand. ‘I won’t hear of it. Benji and Graham must be brought to you. This might be the twenty-first century, but there’s still some things we can do like the old days.’ He grins and taps the side of his nose. ‘You leave this with me. Now, where would you like to hold court? Can I suggest the Great Hall? It’s the most imposing of our many rooms, and that enormous table is still in there from your dinner with Tom.’
I smile as I immediately understand what he’s suggesting. ‘Yes, that would be most acceptable, my good man,’ I reply, playing along. ‘Bring them to me at,’ I look at my watch, ‘midday, please.’
‘Certainly.’ Joey bows. ‘I wanted to say “m’lady” then,’ he adds, looking pleased with himself, ‘but I remembered not to.’
‘Just between us, Joey, today, and only today, I shall enjoy playing the part of the lady of the manor. In fact, I shall be channelling all my past ancestors that have sat in that Great Hall and dealt with their enemies. I just hope I do them proud!’
It’s hard to imagine as I sit at one end of the long oak table, that only a few days ago I’d enjoyed a romantic meal in here with Tom. Today the ambience inside the Great Hall is very different; the table is stripped bare, and as I sit waiting for Benji and Graham to arrive, I feel different too.
The person sitting in one of the large carved wooden chairs (that were usually positioned up against one of the far walls like thrones, but Joey had helped me to pull to the head of the table) doesn’t feel like the usual me at all. I feel powerful and in control, and I have to admit I quite like it.
I rest my hand on the table in front of me, occasionally tapping my fingers on the wood – not impatiently, but with meaning, as though this small act will bring me closer to those who have sat in this position before me, so I can draw on some of their strength and resolve.
The large grandfather clock that stands at one end of the hall chimes midday, slowly and with purpose, adding to the already dramatic atmosphere.
And then, when the last chime has sounded, someone knocks at the door.
‘Come,’ I say steadily.
Joey walks in first. He winks encouragingly at me before leading the other two men in.
‘Mr Benjamin and Mr Harris are here to see you, m’lady,’ he announces, and he gives a small bow.
Benji looks at him likes he’s gone mad, but I just smile serenely and say, ‘Thank you, Joseph. That will be all.’
Joey backs out of the room, leaving Benji and Graham standing at the end of the table looking a bit lost.
‘What’s going on, Amelia?’ Benji asks. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I am perfectly fine, thank you, Alexander,’ I say, feeling a little guilty I was treating Benji this way. But it was necessary for me to create the desired effect on Graham. ‘Now if you would leave me alone with your friend here, I’d be most grateful.’
Benji looks at Graham.
Graham simply shrugs at him, and holds his hands up in a ‘I have no idea what’s going on’ gesture.
‘If that’s what you want?’ Benji asks me, with a ‘are you sure you’re okay?’ look.
‘I am perfectly sure, thank you.’
‘All right, then. I guess I’ll see you both in a bit.’
Benji leaves the room. I notice he sort of backs out, without turning his back on me. It was working already.
‘Shall I sit, or do you want me to stand?’ Graham asks in a sarcastic tone as the door shuts behind him.
‘You can sit down,’ I say, gesturing to one of the few chairs we’d left around that end of the table, at completely the opposite end to where I was sitting on my ‘throne’.
‘Gee, thanks,’ Graham says, pulling out a chair.
I watch him, and wonder what I ever saw in him. This sarcastic
tone was what he always lowered himself to when he was on the back foot.
‘So, what do you want?’ I ask, getting immediately down to business.
‘What do you mean, what do I want?’ Graham replies, folding his arms across his chest. ‘You asked me to come here, didn’t you? I thought you needed money?’
‘You know exactly what I mean. You didn’t come here to offer us money. When you realised it might be me and Charlie that were living here, you came to see us.’
‘That is true, I can’t deny it. I was curious; I wanted to see how you were.’
Keep calm, Amelia. Keep calm, I repeat in my head, as I feel myself beginning to tighten up. ‘After all this time?’ I reply steadily. ‘You wondered how we were? What happed to wondering how we were in the days after you walked out? What happened to wondering how we were in the weeks and months after that? When we had no money and got thrown out of our home. Where was your wondering then, hey?’
Graham looks down at the table. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, not looking up at me. ‘I shouldn’t just have walked out on you like that.’
‘Damn right you shouldn’t.’
‘But I couldn’t help myself, I was confused. Confused about who I was. Who I wanted to be.’ He looks up at me with a wretched expression.
‘And who did you want to be?’ I ask, trying my hardest to feel no sympathy for him. ‘Toby?’
Graham shrugs. ‘I . . . I don’t know. Like I said, I was confused, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I just knew I had to get out. It was like a noose around my neck pulling tighter and tighter. I couldn’t breathe, Amy.’
‘No,’ I correct him immediately, ‘you have no right to call me that any more. My name is Amelia. It stopped being Amy the day you walked out.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Graham says again. ‘I’m so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you and Charlie. You were my world.’
‘But not your universe, eh?’
Graham and I gaze at each other across the table.
‘I should have done things differently; I know that now. If I could go back again I would do.’
‘But you’d still leave?’ I ask quietly.
Graham nods.
