by Nella Tyler
It was shocking; it was unbelievable and it was horrifying to see Braden like that. He didn’t even look like himself. He was just a shell of the brother I had grown up with; there was nothing about him that I recognized, and that made it ten times worse. I had stood over his body for almost twenty minutes. I had stared at his pale face and the stiff way his upper lip curled over the lower one. I saw a birthmark on his neck that I didn’t know he had, and for a moment, I genuinely believed they had the wrong man.
My eyes had slowly panned down to stare at the rest of the table where Braden’s legs should have been occupying space, but there was nothing there. His legs finished off in empty stumps that seemed unrealistic in their strange shape. I had stared at them for almost ten minutes, and they still didn’t make sense to me.
I felt a warm hand slip into mine, and my body shuddered a little before I turned to her. She looked at me with those big, green eyes and squeezed my hand to remind me she was there for me.
“Can I get you anything?” she asked quietly so that no one else could hear. “Some water, maybe? Your lips looked parched.”
I hadn’t eaten anything in a day and my stomach felt hollow, but I welcomed the empty feeling it gave me. “I don’t want anything,” I said without emotion.
It surprised me how my voice had changed since I had seen Braden’s body. It had become almost robotic, no emotion behind it, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring back the feeling. I saw Lauren watching me sometimes from a distance, her eyes glazed over with worry, but I couldn’t even bring myself to comfort her. I had no energy for anything apart from my own loss. I knew it was consuming me, and I wasn’t even trying to fight it.
“Where were you this morning?” she asked gently. “Your parents asked me, and I had no idea where you’d gone.”
I felt my lips seal up instantly, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid her question entirely. “I just…went out for a walk,” I replied evasively.
I noticed her eyebrows rise a little and knew she suspected I was telling a lie, but I also knew she wasn’t going to push me for the truth right then. She had been really good about giving me space during the last week.
“A walk?” she repeated slowly. “You went alone.”
“Yes,” I nodded shortly.
I had gone for a walk that morning, but the whole truth was that I had an actual destination in mind. I had a purpose to achieve on that walk and that is exactly what I had accomplished. I had woken up that morning at 5:30 after a night of fitful sleep that had only barely kept the nightmares at bay. I had brushed my teeth, splashed cold water on my face, and put on my running shoes before I had left the apartment without leaving a note for Lauren.
I hadn’t stopped walking until I got to the military headquarters. Large, impressive walls cordoned off the building and American flags stood at every entrance. I had walked inside and requested enlistment papers to be filled out. When I had walked back out hours later, the military had all my information, as well as the right to call on me to serve my country.
The truth was I didn’t know if I would ever get the call and I figured that until I did, there was no reason to tell Lauren. There was no reason to tell anybody. I stood there silently, trying to avoid people’s eyes even as they came up to me to offer their condolences.
“I’ll go check on your mother,” Lauren said after a moment, disentangling her hand from mine.
“No,” I protested hurriedly. “Stay with me. I can’t deal with people on my own.”
It was easier when Lauren was standing next to me. She would accept people’s sympathies, say a few words, and they would move on without my having to say a word. She hesitated and then nodded as she slipped her hand back into mine.
“Of course,” she said readily as she installed herself like a pillar of strength beside me.
I didn’t even notice that Tyler and Daniel had arrived until they were standing right in front of me, looking around uncomfortably, as though they had no idea what to say. I realized that that was probably the case. What could they say? Words were completely inconsequential at this point and everyone knew it.
“Hey, man,” Daniel said awkwardly as he leaned in and gave me a stiff hug. “I’m so sorry.”
Tyler did the same, and I nodded to them without saying a word. I kept my eyes lowered as Lauren hugged both of them. “Thanks for coming,” she said.
“Of course,” Daniel nodded emphatically. “How are you both holding up?”
Lauren glanced at me and then towards the guys. “As well as can be expected,” she replied after a moment’s hesitation. “There are good days and bad days.”
I wondered harshly when the good days had been, but I bit my tongue and swallowed my words. Lauren was just saying what was appropriate under the given circumstances.
“And your parents?” Tyler asked. “How are they?”
I desperately wished I could tell him what a ridiculous question that was, but Lauren rushed to answer him and I let her. “They’re both…well, it was a shock for both of them. It’ll take a long time for them to recover.”
“Of course,” Tyler and Daniel nodded in unison. I suppressed the urge to punch them both in the face. I could see people from my peripheral vision, and I noticed that some of my teammates had shown up. I turned my face away from them, hoping they wouldn’t notice me.
“We’ll get going then,” Daniel said glancing at me. “We don’t want to take too much of your time.”
He said it as though he were interviewing for a job or something. I felt nausea burn at the pit of my stomach, but I also knew it was a mental block. Nothing would come up but painful dry heaves. My hands were becoming sweaty, and I let go of Lauren’s hand so that I could wipe mine against my pants. She kept glancing at me as though she were scared I would fall or faint or freak out. It was starting to grate on my nerves.
“Stop looking at me like that,” I hissed under my breath between condolers. “I’m not going to go to pieces here.”
She looked a little taken back by my tone, but averted her gaze immediately and greeted the next couple that came up to us to offer their sympathies. I knew I should have felt bad for the way I had spoken to her, but I didn’t. I was so consumed by my pain that I couldn’t seem to register anyone else’s.
After another harrowing 15 minutes, Beth showed up in front of us. She leaned in and hugged me without a word and then she grabbed Lauren’s hand. “How are you?” she asked.
Lauren must have replied wordlessly because I didn’t hear her say anything. It was entirely likely that I missed their exchange completely, though. My eyes fell on the casket sitting a few feet away from me next to the ten by ten of Braden in his uniform, looking young and healthy and whole. I took a step back as though his ghost was encroaching onto my space and both Beth and Lauren looked at me with concern.
“Chase?” Lauren said cautiously.
“I…just excuse me for a moment,” I said, stumbling over my words as I backed away from them and moved into the private rooms of the funeral home, free from people’s watching eyes.
I closed the door behind me and sighed deeply. It was only after a moment that I realized I wasn’t alone. I turned my head to the side and saw my mother was sitting in one of the chairs pushed up against the wall. Her cheeks were streaked with tears, her eyes were red, her nose stuffy, and her hair had lost any semblance of order.
“Mom,” I said, unable to do anything but move over to sit next to her.
I had done my best to avoid my parents over the last week. I wanted to be there to support them, but the truth was that their grief was more painful than I could have imagined. I was enough of a coward that I didn’t want to see that – I didn’t want to feel that.
She tried in vain to wipe away her tears, but they were just replaced by new ones. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said. “I didn’t cry at all yesterday and today of all days, I become a weeping mess at Braden’s wake, with everyone outside.”
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“It’s normal, Mom,” I said gently.
“I should be strong for him.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. “There’s no need to be anything for him,” I said without thinking. “He’s not here anymore.”
Her breath caught slightly, and I wanted to bite my tongue and kick myself for being such an asshole. It seemed as though my pain was so great that it had crowded out all the sensitivity I possessed. “I’m sorry,” I said lamely.
“Where’s Lauren?”
“She’s out there talking to everyone,” I said.
Mom managed something that faintly resembled a smile. “I should be out there talking to people.”
“People will understand why you’re not out there,” I said. “I don’t even know why you wanted to have this wake in the first place.”
“I wanted to give him a sendoff,” she replied quietly. “He was a hero. He died for his country. He deserves that much at least.”
“He deserved a long, full life,” I said, unable to keep the words at bay. “He deserved to die in his sleep as an old man surrounded by his children and his grandchildren. He was selfless and brave, and he deserved a happy ending.”
Mom was quiet for a long time. “Yes, he did,” she said finally as another tear slipped down her face. I knew she was imagining what could have been. She was imagining the life Braden might have had if he had never joined the military. “But that’s not what happened.”
“No,” I said mostly to myself. “That’s not what happened.”
Chapter Seven
Lauren
Beth’s eyes were focused on me even when she leaned in and hugged Chase. She didn’t say anything; she didn’t even offer up her sympathies, and I was grateful. I was sick of hearing the words, and I was sick of having to reply to them. I just wanted to retreat into a corner and not have to deal with anyone. But every time I glanced at Chase, I knew I couldn’t do that.
He was the one who needed to retreat and I needed to allow him the space to do just that. I needed to be strong and stand there and accept people’s condolences because his family was broken and grieving and I was the only one who could put on a brave face on their behalf. Beth turned to me and inclined her head in a gesture that asked me how I was doing without actually saying the words.
I made an attempt to smile, but my face felt taught and stony. I realized I didn’t have to pretend with Beth, and I allowed my anguish to shine through. She reached for my hand and the pressure of some human contact felt amazing.
At that moment, Chase took a step back as though he had just been startled, and Beth and I both turned to him in alarm.
“Chase?”
“I…just excuse me for a moment,” he replied distractedly and then turned tail and walked away from the throng of people that milled around Braden’s closed casket.
I stared after him helplessly before Beth’s voice cut through my thoughts. “Come on, Lauren,” she said gently. “Why don’t you sit down for a little?"
“No,” I said quickly. “Someone has to be here to receive the mourners.”
“I’m sure everyone will understand if you take a ten-minute break,” she insisted. “You’ve been on your feet the whole day and you look exhausted. Come with me.”
It felt so good to have someone see to my needs and my comfort that I didn’t bother to argue further. I just followed Beth like a blind puppy, grateful for her calming voice and her certain presence. She led me to one corner of the funeral home where a few chairs had been set up against the wall, wedged between floral arrangements. We sat down together and Beth placed her hand on my shoulder.
“Can I get you something to drink?” she asked.
My throat was parched but I didn’t think I could keep anything down today. “No thank you,” I replied.
“Lauren, are you okay?” Beth asked with muted concern.
I lifted my eyes and scanned the room, instinct pushing me to search for Chase, even though I knew he was not in my line of vision. “I’m fine,” I replied without thinking. “I’m just worried about Chase.”
“Well, I’m worried about you,” she said. “You’ve lost weight since I last saw you.”
“I haven’t been eating much lately.”
“I know this is a tough time for you, Laurie, but you wasting away is not the way to deal with it.”
“I think….”
“Yes?”
“I think it would be easier if I knew how to make Chase feel better,” I said at last, choking out the words. “I just feel so helpless. He’s hurting so much, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“You need to let him be sad,” Beth said gently. “Braden was his hero, and his death was a complete shock. It’s going to take a while. You might have to accept the fact that this will take time. You won’t be able to make his pain disappear that fast.”
“He’s so distant,” I said, my voice shaking over the words. “He’s so…removed from everything. I speak and it’s like he doesn’t hear me. I’m standing right in front of him and it’s like he doesn’t see me.”
“You need to give him time, Lauren,” she replied. “I know that it’s hard and I know you’re hurting too, but you need to give him time.”
“I know,” I sighed as tears pricked my eyes. “I know.”
“How are you doing?” Beth asked after a moment.
“Me? I’m holding up,” I nodded.
“Have you had time to process everything?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean have you had time to process your own grief?” she asked gently. “Braden may not have been your brother, but you did love him, too. You lost someone, too.”
“I did love him,” I nodded slowly, realizing she was the only person who seemed to have recognized that. “I don’t think it’s even sunk in yet.”
Beth nodded and took my hand. She held on until I started to realize that I needed to mourn, too. I loved Chase and I wanted his pain to ease, but I had my own pain to work through. I wondered momentarily if Chase had even realized that.
I spent the next few hours talking to the mourners and standing beside Mrs. Morgan when she had the strength to finally face the funeral hall. Afterwards, Chase and I slipped away, saying goodbye only to his parents before we made our way home.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I walked into our apartment, free from the smell of fresh flowers and mourning. I moved into our bathroom to change out of my black dress and into something comfortable and unrestricted. When I entered the bedroom again, Chase was lying in bed with his eyes fixed on the ceiling.
I wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted me close, so I moved around to my corner of the bed and sat down on the very edge of it as I removed my earrings. When I adjusted my position and turned to Chase, he was looking at me with his dark-brown eyes. After a moment, he reached his hand out towards me.
Thrilled with this unexpected gesture that had been absent in the last few weeks, I slipped my hand into his and allowed myself to be pulled to his side. My head hung over his as I traced my fingers over his chest and stomach.
Suddenly and without warning, Chase pushed me down against the bed and got on top of me. His face hung over mine now and I could see the range of emotions flitting through his eyes. His hands slipped up my skirt and pulled down my panties. Then his lips were over mine and I couldn’t speak. I could barely breathe.
I was not so naïve to interpret his need for sex as desire for me. That was not what this was. He wanted a distraction from the pain; he wanted to feel something other than sadness and anger and loss. He wanted to lose himself for a few minutes and not have to think about anything else. I understood it and welcomed it. If this was what he needed, then I was more than happy to comply. I had wanted a way to ease his pain this morning and if this was the way to do it, then that’s what I would do.
I arched my back and helped him remove his clothes, as well as my own. He was clumsy; his hands were more rough than usual and his kisses w
ere harder and more painful than normal, but I welcomed all of it.
When he pushed inside me, I saw his jaw tighten like a reflex and he closed his eyes for a second, as though trying to concentrate. He pumped at me without any real fervor or passion and I realized that he was simply going through the motions. It was all part of the distraction. I held onto him as best I could. I kissed him and touched him and tried to draw him out of his head, but I knew there was only so much I could do.
A few minutes later, he rolled off me, panting lightly, and I felt cold air rush around my naked body. I grabbed my dress and slipped it on, having no desire to be naked, and then I turned to him.
“Do you want to talk about him?” I asked on an instinct.
Chase was silent for so long that I thought he was just going to ignore me, but then he started talking. “I was bullied once in school,” he said abruptly.
“What?” I said, propping myself up on my elbow. There was very little I didn’t know about Chase’s life. We had met when we were both kids and anything that had happened before our meeting had been shared a dozen times over. It shocked me that I didn’t know about the bullying.
“It was only the one time,” he explained in a hushed voice. “I was seven and had just started school. There were a couple of boys about a year older than me that decided I would make a good target. They followed me home shouting insults about my haircut and my missing front tooth. Braden saw them at it.”
“He stopped them,” I said.
“He did,” Chase nodded. “They never looked in my direction again. By the second day of school, everyone knew I had a scary big brother and was not to be messed with. I never had any problems with bullying after that.”
“I’ll bet,” I said with a small smile that Chase didn’t return.
“He was five years older than me. In my head, he was a grown man when I was still eight years old, but he never stopped hanging out with me. He never stopped being my friend. He was the one who taught me how to ride a bike and how to swim and how to set up humane traps to catch rabbits that we were just going to release later. He never made me feel like I was a nuisance to have around, even when his friends were over and I was a pain in his ass.”
