by Nella Tyler
I smiled at the memories. Apart from the bullying, they were all stories I knew, but it didn’t matter. Chase needed to talk and he needed someone to be there to listen, to be witness to the amazing person his brother had been and all the memories he had left behind. Chase spoke for a long time; he spoke for over an hour without stopping. He went through his entire life with Braden right up until the point where he had left for the military.
Then his voice got soft as the night and it cracked under the weight of his pain. “It’s okay,” I said, pulling him close to me and kissing his forehead repeatedly. “It’s okay…cry,” I said. “Let it all out.”
He cried against me for a while and when he finally pulled away, his eyes were red, but empty of tears. “Would you be upset with me if I enlisted?” Chase asked suddenly.
I stared at him for a moment, taken aback by the question and the threat it promised. I swallowed hard and reminded myself that I had promised to support him in anything.
“No,” I said and I was happy that my voice didn’t shake. “I would just go with you.”
“No,” he said, and I was surprised by how harsh his voice became. “No, it’s too dangerous. I would never take you with me.”
“But—”
“Never mind,” he cut me off. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Just forget it, I’ll leave it alone.”
There was a bitterness I detected in his voice that scared me. I looked down at his face to see it had blazed over with a mask hiding his emotions. I took his hand and kissed it gently. “Chase,” I said softly, “whatever you need to do, you should do it. I’ll be there for you no matter what.”
After a long moment, he turned to me and his eyes met mine. He nodded once and then pulled me to him so that I was nestled under the crook of his arm. I was glad that my face was hidden from him because I didn’t want Chase to see the tears running silently down my cheeks. He had his own pain to deal with – he didn’t need to see mine.
Even as Chase slowly drifted off into sleep, I lay there wide-awake wondering if he would really consider enlisting and leaving for four years without taking me with him. That had been the agreement from the beginning. No matter what, we would always stick together. We had to stick together.
Chapter Eight
Chase
I barely registered what my father was saying. He was talking about Braden and what a wonderful son he had been, but his words fell through my ears like fine sand through a strainer. Nothing caught; I just listened to his voice trying to find some comfort from the sound.
He finished with a sob in his throat, and I looked up at him instinctively. My father looked twenty years older somehow. His gray hair had turned white with grief and his dark eyes were light with unshed tears. He hunched over the microphone, his hands gripping the podium in front of him as though without its presence, he would have slipped to the floor.
He finished speaking and glanced over at his son’s massive, framed picture. He stared at it as though he could bring Braden back to life if he just focused hard enough. In the end, my mother had to walk onto the stage and guide him away. The priest was about to make his way to the microphone when I stood up, taking even myself by surprise.
I hadn’t planned on speaking; in fact, I had been sure that morning that I wasn’t going to say anything at all. But now that I was faced with lowering Braden’s body into the ground, I knew I couldn’t send him off without saying something about him first.
I walked around to the podium where the mic was set up and I took a hold of it with a certainty that I didn’t feel. I knew that everyone’s eyes were on me; I could feel their gazes burning into my skin. I took a moment to glance at my parents clinging to each other like lifelines. I gave them a small nod and then turned to the picture of Braden.
“My brother,” I started shakily. “My brother was my best friend. He was a soldier. He was a fighter, and he was a hero. The thing is…he wasn’t just a hero; he was my hero, and he was my hero long before he ever considered enlisting. He looked after me, he advised me, he taught me, and because of him, I never felt as though I was alone.
“And now…now I’m going to have to live my life knowing that I’m never going to see him again and honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to do that. All I know for sure right now is that my brother was a hero. He wanted to join the military because he wanted to live a life of purpose. He wanted to do something important, he wanted to do something meaningful, and he was brave enough to see it through.”
I stumbled at the end of the sentence and my throat constricted with all the other things I wanted to say but couldn’t. After a long moment of silence, I heard the priest at my back clear his throat gently, and I was reminded that everyone was watching me and waiting for me to finish my speech eloquently.
I glanced up and noticed that Lauren was sitting in the front row. Her hands were folded in her lap and she was looking at me with tears running down her cheeks. It was odd that I hadn’t seen her cry until this moment. I wondered if she was crying for Braden or the sad mess I had become.
“I don’t have much more to say,” I said as my voice cracked uncomfortably. “I guess I just wanted to say…something.”
With that abrupt end, I put the mic down and walked back to my seat. There was a soft murmur that ran through the crowd, but I barely registered it. When I sat back down, Lauren didn’t reach for my hand like I thought she would. Instead, her eyes were fixed on Braden’s picture and her eyes were glazed over. She must have noticed that I was watching her because she turned to me after a moment.
“That was a nice speech,” she said.
“No it wasn’t,” I replied.
She sighed. “It was heartfelt,” she said. “That’s the most important thing.”
When the service finished a few moments later, I took a deep breath and rose to my feet. I was carrying the right-hand front corner of Braden’s coffin, and I was determined not to falter. The next hour of the funeral passed in a blur of disbelief. I recognized several faces I associated with Braden and his military life, but I didn’t have the mental capacity to concentrate on much else.
Once we were at the gravesite, we stood in a solemn group surrounding the massive hole that Braden would be lowered into and I felt a shiver pass through my body. It didn’t seem right that after everything Braden had sacrificed, he would end up like this. It just wasn’t fair and my brain wasn’t able to process the strange morbidity of what we were doing.
Lauren stood beside me the whole time as I tried to block out the anguished sounds of my mother’s sobbing. I felt the need to throw my hands over my ears and scream at the top of my lungs, but I had no choice but to resist the urge. Finally, when it was all over, I stood by Braden’s grave and stared down at the brown soil, contemplating how cruel death was.
People were walking past me, but I paid them no attention. I knew my parents were around, too, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at them.
“Chase?” Lauren’s voice sounded far away.
“Hmm?”
“Your father wants me to help your grandmother to the car,” she said. “Will you be okay here for a moment?”
She was talking to me as though I was incapable of looking after myself, which I found quite funny. I nodded my head and shrugged to say that I would be fine on my own. She lingered for a moment before she squeezed my arm and disappeared into the dispersing crowd. I enjoyed a few minutes of blissful quiet before I felt someone approach me.
He stood a few feet away from me, but he inched closer every few seconds. I was tempted to walk away, but I wasn’t ready to leave Braden’s grave yet.
“Chase?” the voice was unrecognizable. I was forced to turn my head to see who it was.
He had light-hazel eyes that were unsettling and wispy, brown hair that was cut close to his scalp. His face was only slightly familiar, but he was wearing a uniform so that tipped me off right away. “You worked with Braden,” I said before I turned back to stare at the brown so
il beneath which my brother lay.
“I did,” he replied. “My name is William Tanner.”
“William Tanner?” I repeated as the name rang a bell. “Braden mentioned you once or twice.”
“I recruited him,” William replied. “We even served together once.”
I nodded, not knowing what else to say.
“You enlisted,” William said and my head snapped up in his direction.
“I…. Yes, I did.”
William nodded. “I saw your papers.”
“Are you here for Braden?” I asked. “Or are you here for me?”
William smiled sadly. “I suppose I’m here for both of you,” he replied. “I was coming for his funeral anyway, and I figured I might as well talk to you while I was here…if you’re up for it, of course.”
“What did you come here to say to me?” I asked with my heart in my mouth.
William glanced around as though he were self-conscious of himself. “I came to tell you that there’s a place for you in the military, if you want it.”
I froze for a moment, letting his words sink in. “You’re serious?”
“Yes, I am,” he nodded. “But….”
“But?” I repeated wrinkling my eyebrows.
“But I would like to have a conversation with you first,” he replied. “When you have a little free time.”
“What about?”
William glanced around. “This is not the time, Chase,” he said gently as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a card. “This is my number. You can call me when you’re ready to meet.”
“Next Thursday,” I said quickly. “We can meet Thursday evening for coffee?”
William nodded. “If that suits you.”
“It does,” I insisted.
“All right,” he said as he extended out his hand for me to shake. “My condolences, Chase. Your brother was a good soldier, and an even better person.”
“I know,” I replied.
I was still thinking about William and the military when Lauren showed up. She looked tired and drained, and I reached for her hand like I used to in the days before Braden’s death. She looked startled by the sudden contact, but after a moment, her face broke out into a smile that alleviated some of the fatigue. I knew she was wondering what had brought on the subtle change, but she would never allow herself to ask.
I knew she was hoping I had reached some amount of closure in saying goodbye to my brother. I knew she was hoping I would begin to heal and get back to my old self.
The truth was I was simply acting out of guilt. A part of me had already made the decision to join the military, and another part of me knew that I was leaving Lauren behind. I just hadn’t let the decision process long enough to know for certain if that was what I was going to do.
We drove home in silence, but I kept a firm hold of Lauren’s hand and could tell how happy she was at the contact. The fact was that I was only just starting to realize what I would be giving up if I joined the military. I had been with Lauren for nine years, and we had known each other for ten. She was half my life, and I had known she would be part of the rest of my life, too.
But something had changed. It had changed the day I found out that we had lost Braden. Things were different now, I was different now, and suddenly the plan I had carved out for my future was no longer set in stone. It had taken on the mirage of smoke and I could no longer see my future clearly. I had always promised Lauren that if I ever enlisted, I would take her with me, but I knew now that I had made that promise recklessly.
Life overseas was dangerous for a soldier, and I wasn’t about to put Lauren in the midst of that danger, nor was I going to keep her waiting while I exorcized my demons. I had a life-changing decision to make now and I knew that no matter what I chose, I would lose Lauren in some capacity, whether emotionally, physically, or wholly.
When we got home, I spent the entire day holding onto her as though she were my lifeline. I held her and touched her and kissed her as much as I could because a part of me knew that there would come a time in the near future where I would have to let her go.
Chapter Nine
Lauren
“Come on, Cynthia,” I said encouragingly. “Ten more reps and you’re done!”
“I can’t,” Cynthia panted as she let her hands fall to her sides in defeat.
“Hey,” I said as I moved behind her and pushed her arms back up in the air. “You’ve come this far; there’s no point in stopping now. Come on, ten more reps and you’re done.”
I watched her pink face cement into resolve, and I knew she was going to do it. I stepped back and watched as she thrust her hands into the air with the two-pound weights I had given her. We were winding down from a two-hour workout and the last hour had been a battle. She had been on the verge of quitting several times, but I wasn’t the type of trainer who just gave up when my clients did.
When she forced her hands into the air for the tenth and last time I let out a cheer of enthusiasm, unwilling to let her see how little I wanted to cheer for anything at the moment. “You did it!”
Cynthia sank to the ground, her stomach and chest heaving up and down and her face red from exertion. It was so red, in fact, that it almost matched the color of her hair and the freckles on her face. “Here you go,” I said as I passed her some water. “Remember to stay hydrated.”
She looked up at me as I stood over her with a smile plastered on my face. I could see myself in the gym mirrors and I wasn’t even fooling myself with that smile, it was so obviously engineered. Luckily for me, Cynthia was preoccupied with other things.
“How long till I look like you?” she asked between deep breaths.
I glanced up at my reflection. I was wearing black leggings and a white sports bra that showed off my midriff. I did have an ulterior motive, though, and that was to show my clients what they could achieve if they committed and worked towards their body goals. The point was that they could have a body like mine if they wanted it enough.
“Be patient,” I said to Cynthia. “You’ll get there.”
“Are we talking months or years?” she demanded.
At the moment, Cynthia was nearly two hundred pounds, and at five feet, three inches, she was at least sixty pounds overweight. She had started working with me a month ago and in that time, she had lost seven pounds.
“It all depends on your commitment and your discipline,” I said honestly. “If you work out consistently and eat healthy, then you can reach your goal weight in much less time than it would take if you were binging every so often and cutting out workouts when you feel lazy.”
She sighed. “So a long time then.”
I laughed. “Have faith, Cynthia,” I told her. “You’re young, and you’re strong. You can do this; I will make sure you achieve your body goals.”
“Promise?”
I smiled reassuringly. “Promise,” I nodded.
Once I had said goodbye to Cynthia, I had a quick shower in the locker rooms reserved for the staff and trainers. I had just pulled on my jeans and a checked shirt when I felt a wave of nausea hit me. I had been feeling funny all day, and I had expected something like this to happen.
“Great,” I said to myself. “Sickness: just what I need.”
I stood in one place trying to control the need to throw up, but in the end, I couldn’t hold it in. At least I felt better afterwards, and once I had washed my mouth out and drank some water, I actually felt good enough to keep my plans with Beth and meet her for our traditional Tuesday night dinner.
We never usually ate at the same place. Beth and I both liked to try out new restaurants in the city, but every so often, we fell back on our favorites. Today, we had decided to try a new fusion place that had opened up right next to our favorite cupcake store. I found Beth staring at the cupcakes when I walked up to her.
“Hi,” I greeted and she turned to me with a smile. “Sorry I’m a little late.”
“Got hung up at work?” she asked
as we moved next door to the fusion restaurant and found a table by the window.
“Not exactly,” I admitted. “I was feeling a little sick all day.”
“Oh?” Beth asked with raised eyebrows. “You look pretty good.”
“Yeah, well, I threw up just before I got here and now I feel much better.”
She looked at me as though she were confused. “That’s…off for an illness.”
“It’s just as possible I ate something bad for lunch and it just needed to leave my system.”
“I suppose that’s plausible,” Beth nodded, though she didn’t seem all that convinced.
“So,” I said, opening the menu. “What are you thinking you’d like to order?”
I ended up ordering the beet risotto with kale chips and Beth ordered the sea bass with saffron rice. The moment the waiter cleared out table, Beth turned to me with serious eyes.
“How have things been?” she asked pointedly.
I sighed deeply, thankful that I didn’t have to put on a brave face or pretend for her sake. “I honestly don’t know,” I said. “I thought that the funeral had given him some sort of closure. We went home that day, and he actually seemed like his old self.”
“But?”
“But then I woke up the next morning, and he was quiet and reclusive, then the next day, he was moody and sullen. Sometimes he even gets irritated at me for no reason. Which I suppose I understand; there’s no one around to take his frustration on but me, but—”
“It still hurts,” Beth nodded, finishing the sentence for me.
“Yes,” I sighed.
“Where is he tonight?”
“At his parents’,” I replied, sighing in frustration. “I just wish he would allow me to be there for him. But it feels like every time I get too close, he gets really…I don’t know, uncomfortable, moody, irritated? I can’t even tell anymore. I know I should give him time, but I’m starting to worry how much time this is going to take?”
